Cuteness Conundrum
By Togetic Anon
The sun shines brightly over the hustle and bustle of the festival grounds. The morning started off at a comfortably warm temperature, but now that it's midday, the heat has become overbearing. The festival becoming more crowded and noisy hasn't helped either, I start to feel lightheaded as I dart through the crowds of Pokemon, checking on every guildmember I can find to make sure that whatever game, service, or probable scam they're offering is running fine.
I stop for a moment in the middle of a crowd to catch my breath, and get quickly surrounded by a pack of especially loud Chatot that give me an instant headache, and my vision begins to blur. (Ugh... I've lasted longer than I thought I would... but I guess I've reached my limit...)
"YAY! I WON IT! Thanks mister!"
The elated squeal from a young Pokemon breaks me out of my daze, and I turn to see a Teddiursa holding a large plush Umbreon that's twice their size. Seeing them hug it close with a bright smile, and the content look of the Pokemon's parents, help wash away my fatigue. (The noise here should be making me break down... but the amount of pure joy here keeps me going. I guess that's one advantage to being a Togetic.)
I watch the small bear Pokemon disappear into the crowd along with his two Ursaring parents. The fleeting feeling of jubilation fades as the festival returns to its usual overbearing commotion. (... C'mon, I can handle a few more hours of this... I can't be useless, I have to support the guild!)
Just as I'm preparing to dart through the crowd again, I hear a familiar voice call out to me. I turn around to see that it came from the direction of the stage, and poking out from under it I spot Pika waving at me.
"Toge! Over here!" She shouts. I float over to the side of the stage, and Pika shoves a cold glass into my hand containing a yellow liquid that looks like lemonade. "It's Sitrus Berry juice! Come relax, it's nice and cool under here," I take a sip of my drink as I follow Pika. The refreshing taste of the juice perks me up a bit, making me feel less exhausted. The temperature under the stage is much cooler, as the sun only pierces through the narrow gaps between the wooden planks above us.
After walking a short distance on the damp soil, Pika stops and sits on a plank of wood lying on the ground, that has a bunch more glasses of juice on one end of it. "I grabbed some of these from one of the stalls, thought this might make a nice place to relax for a bit," She says as she grabs some of the juice for herself and takes a drink.
I take a seat next to her as I continue sipping the juice she gave me. "Y-Yeah, it's n-nice and c-cool here," Me and Pika watch the passing crowds of Pokemon from under the stage. The stage is only about two and a half feet tall, so a lot of the taller mons get partially cut off from our view, but it's enough to see most of the smaller Pokemon running around having fun. The noise and sounds of the festival also seemed to be dampened from where we're sitting, making it much easier for me to destress. (This is nice...)
"So many cute Pokemon visiting this festival, it's fun to just sit here and watch them. Oh! Look at those two there!" Pika's cheeks surge with static as she points at a Pancham and Komala duo. The Komala sleepily leans onto their Pancham buddy as they walk, and the Pancham carefully makes sure their friend doesn't bump into any other festival goers. "So kyute...! Those two have to be the cutest ones I've seen so far!"
(I have to admit, those two are pretty cute. But the cutest?) "Wh-What about th-those two?" I say while pointing my glass at an Alolan Raichu that's letting a Chimchar ride their tail like it's a surfboard. The Chimchar stumbles, and falls right into the Raichu's arms, who gives them a hug and rubs the Chimchar's head as they both laugh, though the Chimchar looks slightly embarrassed. "N-Now that's a-adorable."
"Hmm..." Pika brings her hand to her chin in thought. "They're cute, but that Pancham and Komala are cuter. I mean, just look at the little Komala hug their friend... kyute!"
"Th-They are c-cute... but I d-don't think it b-beats the Raichu helping their C-Chimchar partner learn h-how to surf," I say with a twinge of sharpness.
Pika's eyes give me a piercing stare, despite the rest of her face still having a bright and cheerful smile. "... I don't get how you can't see how those two are far more kyute! The smaller Komala needing help from their taller, Pancham friend... The dynamic is just kyuuuute! A-And... And the Pancham is more rough-looking, b-but they still look out for their little buddy! The tough-looking Pokemon being a softie just for their friend... it's an unbeatably kyute dichotomy!" Pika's cheeks start to spark with more ferocity, lighting up the dim under-stage area.
"I'm sorry, but you're just completely and utterly wrong. Sure, their size might lend to a cute dynamic, but it is nothing compared to the cuteness we just saw from that Raichu and Chimchar. If the size difference is what contributes to the cuteness of your preferred pair, then by your logic my pair is even cuter due to the Raichu being much bigger. The difference in sizes here allow for much cuter situations to emerge, such as the surfing scene we just saw moments ago. It also allows the Raichu to completely hug the Chimchar, or allows for the Chimchar to easily ride on the Raichu's back. If we were to entertain hypothetical scenes even further, the Raichu could surf while the Chimchar tries to balance on their partner's shoulders, but then the Chimchar could get scared or stumble, and hold onto their friend for dear life as the Raichu calmly pets their head and tells them everything would be alright. Now, are you going to tell me that isn't cuter?!" I fire off my barrage of words at Pika, but she remains stalwart and smirks as she readies her counter-attack.
"Ha, is that all you've got? If you're imagining hypotheticals, then how have you not imagined the Pancham having to wake up his sleepy friend every morning (and yes I'm assuming both are males, as we both know that leads to the most kyute pairings)," I nod in agreement, even though I know her filthy fujoshit mind is unable to understand the true merits and beauty of a friendship between males. "and having to drag him out of bed, probably while he mutters things like 'Ugh... five more minutes...", a-and then the Pancham might sigh, and gives up trying to get him up, a-a-and since he feels a bit tired, he decides t-to climb into the hay bed with his friend... a-a-and then-" Pika's whole body shakes, and bolts of electricity fire off randomly from her face.
I interrupt her incoming assault before her building power can be unleashed, since if she continued unchecked the festival grounds would look like the bombsite of a tactical nuke. "I'm going to ignore the absolute war crime against coziness and cuteness you just mentioned with them having a hay bed, while yes, that scenario is pretty cute, (though less cute than a similar scenario between two guildmembers whose identities I shall keep anonymous), your rotten mind makes you unable to imagine scenes that would be the true pinnacle of cuteness. Imagine the Raichu and Chimchar teaming up in a forest dungeon, the Raichu defeating all of the ferals with ease, while the Chimchar desperately tries to pitch in and contribute. As the two go on, the Chimchair ends up getting saved from a feral by the Raichu, and the Chimchar, frustated with being so useless, asks his partner why he even brings him along. Then the Raichu just hugs him, and ruffles his hair as he tells him he doesn't need to impress him, and that he just likes being able to explore with someone he cares about! Then the Chimchar starts crying into the Raichu's chest as they hug!"
My verbal blitzkrieg makes Pika stagger back, and her entire body lets out a weak discharge of electricity which makes my feathers stand on end. Her nose bleeds slightly, but she quickly wipes the blood away as a ferocious look returns to her face. "Hmph! If you keep bringing up hypotheticals, this argument will never end. We need to only use the kyute evidence we've seen before our eyes instead of our fabrications!"
(Ha, she's probably just scared that I've already come up with over a dozen different cute scenarios for my duo. Though, she is a fujo... continuing to challenge her in the realm of imagination might be folly, who knows how many BL fanfiction stories or doujins she's drawn that she could pull from and repurpose as arguments?) "... A-Agreed. But w-we can't use those two pairs, we don't know e-enough about them, it would be best if we argued over something like g-guildmembers, though we both o-obviously know Team Cozy are the cutest, so th-there would be nothing to argue about."
"They are pretty kyuuuute... But they're a bit vanilla, y'know? I've seen much cuter stuff from guildmembers like Kris-"
"WRONG, HOW DARE YOU IMPLY-"
"Is that you, Togetic? What are you yelling about?" Me and Pika turn to see Beast the Munchlax poking his head under the stage. "I was worried someone was being attacked down here with how much noise there was."
"Uhm... O-Oh... w-we w-were j-j-jus-" Before I can stammer out an answer, Pika interrupts me.
"Oh, we were just having some fun chatting about cute Pokemon! Oh, do you want some berry juice Beast?" Pika says as she grabs one of the glasses off of the plank of wood.
"Thank you very much for the offer Miss Pikachu, but we were just heading back to the guild." Only now I notice Ronnie standing behind Beast, his back stacked with bags, making him look like a literal pack mule. His head hangs low to the ground and his eyes look even more glazed over than usual.
"Do you think Ronnie might want something to drink?" Ronnie's head instantly perks up at Pika's offer.
"YESSSS, PlEEEEaase...." Ronnie suddenly dashes over to Pika and nearly knocks her over. But before Pika can give him any juice, Beast walks up and whacks him on the head.
"Ronald, be polite!" Beast grabs the glass Pika was offering, then forces open Ronnie's mouth and pours the juice into it, much like how one would pour gasoline into a car. "Now I do not want to hear any more whining on the way back."
"But siiiIIIIIIIiiir... I'm too tired...." Ronnie then falls on his side and goes completely limp, and the sounds of clanging cutlery can be heard as the packs on his back slam into the ground. Just as I'm about to pronounce Ronnie dead, I hear him let out a loud snore.
Beast sighs. "That was my specially imported kitchenware, if any of that got bent it will be coming out of his wages."
(Doesn't Ronnie do it for free?) "I-I can h-help carry s-some of the stuff b-back if you want, Mr. W-Winchester."
Beast shakes his head. "Oh, do not worry yourself over it, my good Togetic," Beast takes a seat on the plank of wood and takes a glass for himself. "I suppose there is nothing wrong with taking a bit of a rest," Beast takes a sip from from his glass. "Anyway, I hope I did not interrupt your... discussion, earlier."
"Oh, it was nothing important, we were just talking about which guildmembers we thought were the cutest," Says Pika.
(I heavily disagree on it being "nothing important"...) "The s-stage isn't g-going to b-be used f-for a while, so w-we were j-just t-trying to p-pass the t-time t-taking a b-break under here."
"Well... there are worse ways to pass the time, I suppose," Beast says, looking slightly befuddled.
"Oh! Which guildmembers do you think are the cutest?" Pika asks Beast, her cheeks once again beginning to tingle with electricity.
"Uh..." Beast scratches the back of his head. "... That Sneasel and Ribombee couple look nice together, I guess."
"N-Not the worst choice, considering how Booker's natural cuteness and size allows for a nice contrast wi-" Pika covers my mouth with her hand before I can continue my overanalyzing of Team Brave's dynamic.
"Yeah they're pretty cute, haha..." Pika says as she uncovers my mouth. "Hey, I just got an idea. Maybe we could show off some of the cuter guildmembers to the festivalgoers to increase the guild's reputation!"
(That's not a bad idea.) "Wh-what about s-something l-like a c-cuteness competition? W-We could g-get a b-bunch of g-guildmembers and th-then have a p-panel of judges th-that rates how c-cute they are."
"I call being a judge!" Pika exclaims while raising her hand.
"I-I'd l-like to b-be a j-judge too... I-I don't think I-I'm c-cute enough to b-be o-one of the contestants... Wh-What about y-you, Mr. W-Winchester?" I ask Beast.
"I would prefer being part of the audience." Beast responds curtly.
"Awww, come on Beast! I think you would make a great judge! Rating cuteness can't be that much different from rating food!" Pika says as she puts her hand on Beast's shoulder.
(She instantly tried to push him to be a judge instead of a contestant... guess she has an age limit for her tastes.) "H-Having a j-judge that's a b-bit less... enthusiastic a-about cuteness would a-also help in k-k-keeping the sc-scoring more i-interesting f-for the a-audience."
Beast sighs. "Alright, alright. Not like I have anything better to do at the moment."
"Yes!" Pika pumps her fist into the air. "I'll start setting up a judge's booth on the stage, do you think you can handle recruiting guildmembers to join the competition, Toge?"
I nod. "I-I'm n-not sure h-how many I'll b-be able to c-convince, b-but I'll t-try. G-Good luck w-with b-building the b-booth!"
"Thanks, and good luck to you too!" Pika waves goodbye as I leave the cool underside of the stage and once again reenter the crowded festival.
* * *
"No way in hell!" Chespin shouts. "I'm not about to make Team Cozy look like a pair of fruits!"
"C'mon Chespin, a cuteness competition could be fun! And what's wrong with looking like a Cherrim or Applin?" Wooper says while tilting his head curiously.
"Human expression," Chespin says while sighing.
"Y-You d-don't have to d-dress up f-for if you d-don't want t-to..." I say trying to calm Chespin down.
"Nuh-uh. Still not joining. Team Cozy has a reputation to uphold, y'know?" Chespin says.
"Well, I think it'd be fun!" Wooper says with his usual cheer. "If you're not going to participate, would you at least help me dress up for it, Chespin?"
"Sorry. I'll be fine with watching it though," Chespin answers.
"Th-That's alright, I-I could get Pika to h-help d-dress W-Wooper u-up-"
The moment I mention Pika, Chespin's eyes go wide in horror. "Okay, okay! I've changed my mind, I'll help you get dressed up, Wooper."
"Yay! Thanks buddy! I think I saw some accessory stalls over there!" Wooper waddles off in the direction of some clothing vendors and Chespin quickly follows behind him.
(All according to plan.)
* * *
"A... cuteness competition? Seems kinda lame," Sneasel says with disinterest. "Why didn't ya' make it a sparrin' tournament instead?"
"Sneasel, it's probably b-best that we make the guild look as non-violent as p-possible," Booker the Ribombee says from Sneasel's pocket. For some reason, Sneasel has one of her claws right next to that pocket, as if she wants to make sure Booker won't accidentally fall out. "Anyway, I think it's a very n-neat, but I don't like the idea of being on stage in front of e-everyone..."
"But y-you two w-would probably r-rank high in it, e-especially because of B-Booker..."
"Pfft, of course. We'd win for sure if Booker did one of those human danc-"
Booker cuts off Sneasel before she can finish her sentence. "S-Sneasel!"
Sneasel laughs. "Just teasin'. Anyway, we'll probably watch it, but I don't think we're gonna join. Sorry, Toge."
"Y-Yeah... good luck on finding other contestants though!" Booker says.
"I-It's fine, a-and th-thanks..." (Oh well, it was worth a shot. Though Sneasel's more cool than cute, so its not like they probably would've scored highly anyway.)
* * *
"Sorry Toge, we're too busy to join," Beau the Espeon says. "We're busy trying to track down a thief."
"And I wouldn't join even if I wasn't busy," Adrian the Flareon says curtly. "Just please make sure you don't tell Enny about this."
(Like I'd ever risk letting that queer give the guild an even worse reputation.) "I-I won't, I w-want to k-keep the competition w-wholesome after a-all."
"Smart." Remarks Adrian. "We'll tell any guildmembers we run into about the competition, hopefully that'll make things easier for you."
"Th-That's... kind of y-you. Th-Thanks." (Huh. Guess Adrian's gotten warmer in more ways than one.)
* * *
"A CUTENESS COMPETITON!? OMIGOSH WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SOONER!?" Furret squeaks as her tiny paws wave around frantically. "This is the BEST idea ever! Oh I'll go get me and Smith dressed up right away!!! Come on little buddy, this way!" Furret dashes away into the crowd at near-lightspeed, and Smith just sits there motionless, staring at where she ran off.
His face looks like that of a mon who's been through his sort of thing many times. He glances at me for a moment, his eyes giving me a tiny glimpse into his tired soul. His stare isn't accusatory, almost as if he knows Furret would've found out about this without my intervention, but I can't help but think he still blames me for bringing this inevitability on him sooner rather than later. Then he closes his eyes and lets out a deep breath, and walks away wordlessly, clearly accepting the personal hell of cuteness I have most likely created for him.
(Ruining a potential friendship forever is a small price to pay for cuteness, I think.)
* * *
(Well, that's everyone I could find, time to head back I suppose.) As I start floating my way through the festival grounds back to the stage, I hear someone call out my name behind me.
"Toge!" I turn around to see Gus the Oshawott waving at me, with Nick the Vulpix and Amelia the Shinx next to him. I can't help but notice the dark blue bowtie he's wearing. "Beau and Adrian told us about the competition, and Amelia made us dress up..." Gus says as he adjusts his bowtie. Amelia's wearing two yellow and black bows behind each of her ears that match the colors of her striped scarf. Nick meanwhile just wears his usual blue scarf with his Clover Guild badge attached to it.
"Are y-you th-three a-all going a-as a g-group?" I ask.
Nick shakes his head. "No, but me and Amelia are entering together. Amelia just felt like dressing up Gus."
(Probably more like enjoying the chance to play dress-up with another guildmon.) "W-Well, the c-competition sh-should b-be st-starting soon. W-We can head th-there together."
The three of them nod, and follow me through the crowd to the stage.
* * *
Various festival goers have begun to stand around the audience area close to the stage as we walk up some steps on the side of it. There I see Pika and Beast behind what looks like a makeshift judge's table. The curtained-off backstage area has its curtains opened up slightly, where I can see some of the other contestants trying out random accessories and outfits.
"Welcome back, Toge!" Pika says happily. "Me and Beast got the judge's table set up and even got some spare clothes for the contestants in case they didn't bring their own outfits."
"G-Good work, y-you two. L-Looks like w-we've gotten a d-decently sized audience s-so far too," Looking out at the audience, I spot Booker and Sneasel, who wave at me.
Beast still looks mostly indifferent about everything. "I was not expecting so many Pokemon here to want to watch a competition like this. Maybe I am just too old to understand younger Pokemon's taste."
Pika takes a peek backstage to check on the contestants. "... Looks like they're ready. Wanna start it now?"
"Fine with me," Beast says as he slumps down onto his judge's chair.
"S-Sure," I float on over to my chair and sit down. From the audience's view, my seat is on the left while Beast's is on the right, and the middle is where Pika would sit. Instead of sitting though, Pika walks up to the front edge of the stage to greet the audience.
"Heya, uh, everyone!" Pika yells nervously while tugging at her ear bow. The audience stops chatting among themselves and all turn their attention to Pika. "We're glad you're all here to come and experience the kyuteness the Clover Guild has to offer! The way this will work is that the guildmembers or guild teams will take turns showing themselves off on the stage, and me and two other judges will rate their kyuteness! Oh, but if you see ones you really think are extra kyute, be sure to cheer for them!"
(Pika's handling this well so far, the audience seems interested.) However, just as Pika's about to turn around and join me and Beast at the judge's table, someone from the audience speaks up.
"Oh! Can I enter the competition?!" A Skitty wearing a frilly yellow dress pushes herself to the front of the audience.
"Well... Uh... I'm sorry, but it's only for guildmembers," Pika answers.
The Skitty looks slightly upset. "Why? But I'm really cute!"
"Because we're the ones who set up the competition," Pika argues, trying to keep a kind tone.
"But that's not fair, I only knew about the festival like two days ago! And I just bought this new dress!"
"Oh, well... okay..." Pika walks backward to the judge's booth as she struggles to come up with a good argument against the Skitty's complete non-sequitur. "I'm sure we could fit you into the competition, if you want to join!" When she's close enough, Pika leans in close to me and whispers. "We need to do something about her..."
(Pika's right. There's a good amount of rope and random pieces of stone under the stage that were used as building material, and with Capim's bay being pretty deep it wouldn't be hard to make sure she-)
"... Think maybe we should send one of the contestants against her in some sort of 'cute-off'?" Pika says while still whispering to me.
"H-Huh? O-Oh, th-that seems like a-a smart i-idea..." I softly whisper back in response, almost completely stumbling over my words. "B-But who?"
Before Pika can respond, the Skitty jumps up onto the stage. "Come on, let me be in it! I'll pay money! Is there a prize? I bet I could win it! If you don't let me compete it just means you're scared I'd win!"
"Hmph," Pika grunts as she crosses her arms and walks over to the Skitty. "Alright, you know what? You can join, but the true contest will be us sending our absolutely kyuteest guildmembers against you!" Pika points at the Skitty as she shouts, and her whole body lets out a small discharge of electricity that makes the Skitty's hair stand on end. For some odd reason, the Skitty seems to perk up even more when she sees sparks come off of Pika. "We'll still act as judges and give our insights on the kyuteness of the contestants, but the audience will be the ones who decides who wins, does that sound fair?!" The audience lets out cheer, making their approval clear.
"Hah! Yes!" The Skitty does a little fist pump, or at least as much of a fist pump that's possible for a quadruped. "By the way, my name is Shelby! And I'm ready now! I'm so cute I don't even NEED to prepare, I'm just like this all the time. You better hope whoever you send is cute enough!"
"Try not to get too overconfident," Pika says with a slight smirk. "Now, my fellow judge will be the one to pick the contestant to go against Shelby in this showdown of kyuteness! Toge!" Pika turns to me. "Who's up?"
(Uh... shit! Who do I pick!? Well, Team Cozy would be an obvious choice if both of them were here, but we only have Wooper! Team Brave didn't want to join in, but they're still in the audience, and I know Sneasel won't take any sort of attack against the guild sitting down. Team MLG might be good... but Smith's the kind of bug type that scares some people... Nick and Amelia of Team Keystone could work, especially since Amelia being another cat-like mon helps rival Shelby's cuteness... Gus... uh... I don't think he has any chances of winning, especially since he's by himself. Ugh, dammit, who do I pick?! I gotta do it quick!)
CHOOSE: