/senescent
This URL is owned by ❆. It will probably be used as a venting area, or a diary. Alot of things may be put here... It has not been decided yet. Sensitive topics may be mentioned here.. If you randomly stumbled upon this or have been linked here, hello. This URL might not be edited often.
Mar 29 2025
Not a huge fan of how today went. I slept alot, to pass the time. My dad yelled a bunch. we had burgers. I'm still sick, I've been sick for 8 days now. I skip out on some of my medicine, but that's because I forget. I don't go out of my way not to take anything. I know medicine is "important" and I need it to get better but it just tastes so bad...! Especially the liquid ones. Why can't all drugs be pills? Cough syrup and other liquid medicines main audience is children anyway, and they'll all hate it because it tastes so bad. Just make a pill version. But also, they say that the body absorbs liquid medicine better. that's cool, I'll look into it more.
When my dad was younger, my late grandmother (his side, deceased) would put cough syrup in his Fanta because he wouldn't take it alone. To this day, he hates Fanta. Fanta is weird anyway.. It used to be my favorite fizzy drink, but now I don't drink it (or any fizzy drink). I'm pretty sure it's boycotted anyway, but I'd have to check. I remember watching videos about African Fanta. lol, those were kinda funny.
Speaking of my late grandmother, I used to dislike her as a kid. I was scared of how she looked. It gives me messy feelings remembering how mean I'd look at her. I hate how I acted around her back then... She died due to cancer in October 2019. She died thinking I hated looking at her, and didn't want to be around her. Yes, it was true then. I regret it so much now. If only I could go back and give her one hug, or maybe two. I really regret it and wish I could say sorry.
My regret towards my grandmother dying helped me decide how I wanted to treat my other grandmother (mothers side). I was dismissive of her too, but she got a cancer diagnosis and when I heard of it I didn't want to make the same mistake. I started treating her better. Talking to her more... Acknowledging she was there. She liked me, my aunt says. She said she smiled at me in a way she never smiled to anyone else. That makes me happy, atleast I was able to treat one of my grandmothers right. She died aswell, due to cancer.
It's selfish of me to admit that treating my grandmother (mothers side) helped with my guilt ever so slightly. Is that a huge sin though? It eats me alive, how I must've ruined her day by avoiding her so much. God I was a horrible kid, it makes my blood boil. I'm still horrible now. I'm horrible by nature. Some things don't ever change... I'll always be horrible, I've accepted it now though.
I could talk about how I avoid people and society because of my horridness... However, I don't feel like that right now, because I'm sleepy. I wrote Mar 29 in this entry, when it's actually Mar 30. I did that because it's nearing 6AM and I want to rest... Thus, Mar 30 has not concluded for me to write an entry for it.
That's it for today. I think.
my stomach hurts.
Mar 30 2025
Tomorrow is Eid. My sister went Eid shopping. She got me new pants. They're Army Green, I don't really like them. I prefer only wearing Black. It's my favorite color... Today was boring. The weather was okay.
Mar 31 2025
Eid Mubarak.. Going out with my sister and others for Dimitri's. Woke up at like 4pm. Dad gave me 20JOD. That was kinda hype ngl. My lips are super dry. I miss pyro ...
Apr 04 2025
I know I haven't updated in a while. I've been busy with Eid, and school starting again. I also have exams soon, so I'll be updating less and less .. until they end.
Today, I went on a walk. My parents and two of my siblings came along... My little brother (on a bicycle), and my older sister (walking). They suggested that I try riding my brothers bike, and I did so. However, I haven't touched a bicycle since I was, like, 7! I lost balance a couple of seconds after beginning, so I decided to dismount.
While I was getting off the bike, I tripped on the back-tyre and fell over on the road. I hit my palm, and my lower torso and leg. I got dust on myself, but that didn't matter. I had embarrassed myself infront of Mother and Father. That ruined my mood completely for the former part of the walk. They would ask me about the trees, and I would just look away. I made eye contact with a young boy, who looked away immediately once realizing I was 'angry'. The trees, were angry too.
We stared at the trees. My Father pointed to a Birch tree, with all its branches except the upper two (the ones that neared the Apical Meristem) intact, and said I was just like it - in height, and stupidity. I called him mean and told him, that he was a Date tree. Not any Date tree, the Dates that are too dry to eat and tingle your tongue. I don't think he heard it, though. My Mother looked and talked to me sternly after calling my dad mean.
When me and my sister were discussing the phylums of the trees, I accidentally spoke a bit loudly. I was talking about how one of the trees looked similar to the Eucalyptus tree, when my dad interrupted me saying a lady should not speak so bluntly. Dad, such incompetency that he cannot fathom a lady that has a loud voice. I'm not even a lady, not anymore!
We had reached the supermarket when I picked out a bunch of snacks to get. I reached the tiny candy section, the kind you put in little receptacles and weigh. I took one to taste. I put some in a sack to measure its respective grams, and gave it to Father for him to weigh since he saw me and offered to. Father, the wise. He saw my cheek bulging, and asked what that was from. "I took one to taste," I said - pointing at the small candy sack "they let us do that."
Father, the great. The wise, even! He looked at me jokingly, and replied with "Then, after weighing it, surely you will put one of the candies back?" I hesitated quietly, and asked "Why would I do that?". He stared at me, waiting for me to understand.
It was to balance it out! Father, the wise! He had already calculated in his mind, that by tasting one I was being unfair to the shop owner. To balance this discrepancy out, I would have to weigh the sack, then proceed to open the sack and return one of the candies. if this were a Math equation, it would be something like "50x + y = 51" and in this case, the weight of one candy(x) being one, and y representing the candy in my mouth, also being one. I have to make sure that I also pay for y, so I return one candy after weighing and paying for the sack.
I felt really bad and embarrassed after this realization. This is what I always meant when I say, I am sinful by nature. How many people have I treated with Injustice, just by existing? How many people have I hurt without noticing? How many have died knowing I will never feel the same horrible feeling I made them feel, simply by hovering around them.
I won't dwell on it any more, you get the picture.
On the way home, Father took a lift on my brothers bicycle. I'll refer to him as Dad now, because he looked so damn immature lmao. My sister took two photos of Dad, one while in the middle of the road as a car was about to hit her. The car dodged her though, and I asked her why the fuck would she do this?! (<- interrobang usage) and in the middle of the road??? she was like None of your business!
We were nearing our house when I saw some children. I rummaged through our shopping bag and sound my Candy-Sack, that isn't at all a reference to the male ball-sack, I offered some candy from my sack to them. God, I felt like a criminal! The candy wasn't laced with fentanyl though. I offered to 4 kids. The first one initially took none, but when she saw the second child take two, and the third take one, and myself eat one, she asked to take one aswell. A fourth child came up, and I gave him a candy. They were all so cute! They even said thank you.
We got home, I ate some candy and chips. My sister and brother made noodles. They exchanged bites, since they were eating two different flavors. I took a bite from my sisters, and as my brother was eating the tail end of his own bite from my sisters bite, I asked to taste his. It was... okay. My taste for noodles are more refined now since they've been my main source of sustenance for the past few years.
I should really go talk to pyro. I miss her.
I also masturbated to her today, but I really don't think that's appropriate to talk about....
Apr 8 2025
It is actually the 9th when I am writing this, but it's 5am so the 9th havent passed yet.
I have an Arabic exam on the 9th. I studied some of it.... I don't understand something. I'll ask the teacher about it tomorrow.
Atleast I studied. most days I don't even touch my books
Sleep schedule still fucked, I sleep and wake up whenever I want. Usually wake up at midnight.
Its better this way. I don't hve to interact with my shitty family.
All of them suck. Why would you pretend to care when you really dont.
Anyways, that's all for the 8th. Kinda. I felt really shitty today, didn't have food to eat. Slept the hunger off.
Apr 11 2025
I keep forgetting to put my entries. Does it matter anyway? Life is all the same, whether I write here or not.
My thigh highs ripped again. Im wearing them anyway.
Meeting up with my friends.
I hate my family. They all suck.
Why do I depend on someone who i feel is always annoyed by me?
Life is miserable. Ending it never works. I want to be loved.
Might relapse later, but my mother has been doing more body checks so I probably shouldn't. I don't want to cut anyway, it just distracts me from my responsibilities.
I did well on both my exams yesterday.
My academic achievements don't matter to me or anyone though. I wish I was celebrated for it, even if I don't really care. I just want to be celebrated. Make me think you love me and I'll serve you forever..! None of that fake shit though please.
I'm waiting for something to happen.
Apr 13 2025
I'm writing this at 4am of the 14th . But who makes the rules for this? Me!
Me and pyro are back together.. but At what cost? It feels so empty. It feels more distant than ever. I ruined this beyond comprehension, it seems....
Then again, its been distant for a good while anyway... i dont know. i feel like this is all unnecessary stress. but its Pyro. im too attached and i love her too much to leave, atleast not right now.
maybe its because we're both busy because of exams. It makes me very sad that we aren't like before.. i just want her to be happy and myself to be happy... if i bring it up theres a chance we might fight, so i dont really want to risk it. It feels like no matter what compromise people do, ill still complain! haha!
i wish i weren't so hung up over it. it doesnt matter beyond me caring about it. i doubt it affects her as much as it affects me. god, life never gets better, does it? i hate everything. i want to be better but i feel like with my current state i wont be able to. Everything is out of place! i feel so out of touch!!! i want to relapse. i really do. theres nothing stopping me now, is there? i know pyro kind of loves me. she says it sometimes. i wish she would say it more often so it feels true. Though, saying it can be hard for her. she's mentioned that before.
I feel like im burdening her just by existing, maybe ending it isn't so bad. I want to be the best partner anyone could ask for, so that she won't ever have to reconsider.. but it seems like she already has..
how have i fucked up my most beloved connection so bad?
im sure i could fuck her harder than i have fucked her over though. ha-ha.
that was not even funny, i need to die.
Apr 14 2025
I cosplayed Teto today on video call. It was a bit uncomfortable near he end. i dont know how to feel about it. its ok. i just need to get over it
ive got a physics exam tomorrow.
dont feel like studying.
Tired.
im having gustatory issues.
I was planning on relapsing today but whats the point if i can avoid it... I dont have an excuse ...
im cold.
so so cold.
im sore, too.
my body is nary better than that. my mind, worse.
i am deteriorating - but oh, am i not young?
Whatever i may be, i hope death is kind.
am i going to attempt? No, i dont feel like it. I don't know why im saying all of this, i just feel weak.
An elder tells me to be safe.
An elder likes me.
If i die now, i wont have to do the exam tomorrow.
why not live my last hours stress free and pretend i dont have an exam?
Mmm. im so very lazy.
im sleepy, too.
These entries get less and less serious by the day.... none of these are well articulated...
I feel so easily abandoned sometimes. I wish you'd never leave.
The weather today was okay.. nothing special... nothing is ever special... my brother hit my head yesterday and threatened killing me because i put food in my plate the wrong way.
I don't really care anymore.
I wish some sector in my life cared
Why do all my "diaries" end up abandoned and gloomy? At first the entries were well articulated, now it's word salad.
11%
I want to go back in time, to a moment where your love was not so jaded. I want to feel like it's not just my body keeping you here. I know it is selfish for me to yearn, but if I had truly mattered to you these things wouldn't be "wants", they would be served to me with love and not avoided like a plague. If you love me as you say you do but avoid acting on it, then do you truly?
Why can't you love me like you did when we had met that day? When did it all go wrong, why can't I fix it? Why am I jealous of a ghost I used to be? Is this all simply caused by my insecurity? I'm so sick of telling myself; "it's your fault, he obviously doesn't mean that".
10%
I have so many feelings regarding you. I don't know what to feel anymore. Everything changes, one moment I resent you and the other i need you. is this truly "love"? I won't ever forget what you said to me that day. "I do love you, but you're so hard to love" I won't ever forget it, because it was utterly foolish of you to say. You're wrong. I'm not hard to love, you just never put in enough effort to love me right. I never felt like your top priority. you just couldn't provide what I needed.
"The one before you" did that better, and hell, he cheated! I hate comparing, but it goes to show that it was simply the bare minimum. I'm so sick of not being well-tended to. I know you're doing you're best at the current moment but I am speaking in regards to the past few months.
It's not just you. Everyone else treated me wrong. There's not one person I got close to that never once wronged me. Even the most "innocent" person I know held a part in ruining my life.
Maybe it's a curse, what if I am cursed? I don't really believe in that shit. What's so wrong with me that leads everyone to treat me so bad? I hate people. I hate them all. They all make me feel bad.
I'm sorry for what I said about you in this. I truly am, if you're reading this. I dont stand by what I wrote 10 minutes ago. You know how I can be sometimes, black and white thinking and all, right? If you love me, you'll understand my "mood swings".
9%
It slowly depletes, O' dove! Fly above, sing to me. Tell me it is all over. I want peace, I want control of my mind. I have silenced most of what speaks, I only wish to silence myself now.
A declaration of love! My own blood. I hate it so, a drink to cheer with. Oh, so sweet! The metaphoric implications of cannibalism.
Ever since kindergarten, I have been gnawing on the skin and flesh of my fingers. Usually, out of anxiety. Sometimes, out of hunger.
it's been well over a decade, yet this habit has stuck. Hunger persists. Vexatious, I am! Due to school, and social interaction. Since it hurts me so much, why do I still talk to people?
The skin has no taste. Grapes have a thin layer. Imagine that, but less fruity. If anything, the skin tastes bad, like an unwashed bottle. I've just gotten used to it. It simply hides the fruit inside!
8%
Blood makes a mess, so it's annoying sometimes. Its taste depends on multiple factors:
- My current iron levels
- Which area it is sucked from
- The kind of wound
The iron taste in blood sucks. Maybe I just hate it because, I'm used to iron deficient blood?
As for area, I find that fingers aren't really flavorful unless sucked right. Maybe I'm just used to the taste
When I used to cut myself, I would never let the blood go to waste. I'd drink it.
I am really disgusted in myself for writing all of this. Holy fuck, I really hope the people I know don't see this. I've only ever self cannibalized, and that's how it will be, forever. I'm trying to stop it. Please don't judge me for an addiction thats been ongoing since I was 5.
I'm so sick of myself now. I'll just get going. Plus, I need to charge my phone. 8% is not sustainable.
7%
see you later, anonymous lover~ if anyone genuinely read all of this, that's super hot. you care about me, thats what im into. hell yeah.
too bad for you, i already love someone, whatever "love" is. he said i looked pretty today, and also im pretty sure that im the only one he has eyes for. Atleast, that's what it seems like? God i hate sico i. hate sico i hate him ohhhhh!!!! Sico is a microceleb that he had a para social crush on for a while. im so glad he doesnt watch him anymore.
Apr 15 2025
I feel bad
Apr 18 2025
I didnt do much today. My self worth is decreasing a bunch... im really dependent on the one i love .. im okay with it but i know at some point she will start resenting it. Just like all the other times with all the other people and with her aswell, my attachment, dependency and self worth issues will be the death of every friendship and mostly relationship i enter
even though ive only dated... two people?
i dont know.
its never been this severe though. i love her too much. she's kind and caring, and i love everything about her. im so scared she will leave i want to be perfect for her.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
ive been busy with exams