Disclaimer: Hi anyone who isn't Cassiel (++ Cassiel (hi darling I love you!!)), this rentry is dedicated solely to me writing love letters for my husband and rambles about him because I'm. Majorly in love with him. Head over heels. So I'm pouring out my love for him here! Isn't that so cool of me?! So uh anyway. Yeah! If you're not him and you just came across this or were linked here from my urls or our joint then. I guess you're welcome to stay...? But be warned I'm probably going to be. Super cringy and sappy in here so. This is a warning to both readers of this and Cassiel because. I truly and sincerely apologize that you're dating someone who makes an entire rentry dedicated to ranting about his love for you. I don't know if you'll find this endearing or weird and cringe and will want to break up by the end of it but. Long story short I love you!! A lot!!
Anyway um. On with the faggotry you're here to see I suppose!!
06.12.24
Hi Cassiel I finally had motivation to make this are you proud of me..
Okay genuine question now. How are you so perfect..?! It's mind blowing to me. I genuinely cannot wrap my head around how someone like you is dating someone like me. I never thought you'd love me back and now here we are?! Almost a month.. (12-ish days until our anniversary at the time of writing this!!) Fun fact 24 is now my favorite number. It reminds me of us!! Everything reminds me of us if I try hard enough. Any time I see a ship I love or a ship that I see us in I think to myself "Wow!! They're so me and Cassiel!!" (Nikozai.. Fyolai.. Soukoku.. Mizurui..)
I've never had anyone understand me the way you do, and it makes me so happy thinking about how well you know me! You automatically pick up on little things, like if my typing style is a little off or if I seem more distant than usual.. You somehow always know whenever I'm feeling down and you also know just how to cheer me up again! Just receiving an ask from you on Retrospring is enough to make my day 100x better.. I love you so much!!
06.13.24
Sometimes I think maybe you're losing interest in me or vice versa and then I remember. That's probably just my mental illness and self loathing talking and telling me that I don't deserve you or a relationship in general. Then I take my meds and all is well with the world. /silly
Seriously though. You give me a genuine reason to try and you make me feel like I'm worth something and you give me an actual reason to live. And that's. A lot coming from me. I hope you know how much you mean to me.. That's the main point of this rentry, so that I can write in it every day and show how much you mean to me and how much I love you!
06.19.24
I haven't made any entries in here in a while but in my defense, I did make two joint rentries. But I've been talking about you nonstop. I'll literally go into the ranting/positive vent channel of at least one the servers I'm active in on Discord and rant about you daily. So much so that one of my friends has gotten tired of it. But! In one server I'm in, the co-owner and I bonded over our. Love for our partners. LMAO.. We would go back and forth rambling about things we love about our partners until Wisteria came in and basically told us to stop. :(
Hi I'm back again today. I was just thinking about how you've affected me positively.. I've genuinely thought about suicide less, I've promised myself I wouldn't relapse for your sake [didn't quite work how I wanted it to, but I'm still trying..], and I've genuinely been taking care of myself more. I've been eating more, I haven't skipped a meal in a while.. I genuinely cannot thank you enough. You're the reason I'm trying to get better, you're my motivation to become a better person, and improve on my mental health. I don't know where I'd be without you.
07.27.24
It's been over a month since my last entry.. But I'm BACK!!! I'm thinking of making this actually pretty.. Soukoku theme perhaps.. WAHAHAHA!! Anyway. I'm currently very, very sad, because the owner of /soukoku won't even take $150, two Discord profile decorations, a complex rentry, a google slides presentation about soukoku, AND my literal SOUL for it. Very disappointing, my heart is broken. I can silently hope they abandon the url for over two years though. Someday, rentry.co/soukoku will be mine. Anyway I'm yapping this is supposed to be about you?!! You should. Totally come online. Then my sadness will be cured! Did you know that you're literally the Chuuya to my Dazai. Wyd when I think about ways to kill you every day for 7 years. Wyd when I have several notebooks dedicated to you. Wyd when I cup your cheek and gaze into your eyes longingly when I could've just poked you to nullify your ability and therefore save you from dying. Wyd when literal God says we're soulmates. OHHHH YOU'RE ONLINE NOW YAY.
08.06.24
I LIED!!! I finally got around to retheming and I settled on a ruikasa theme.. Heh! I really need to use this more. I keep using my thread in amiko and then I remember WAIT you can't check that!! But I ramble there a lot. It started from the truth or dare bot I think.
I think the 💌 status in my key thing is pretty useless. Because it's constantly there. It's kind of permanent. I talk about you 24/7. I think about you 24/7 too.. I check bluesky compulsively to see if you've messaged me at all. I just got a DM from Acht and I got excited because I thought it was you. Acht is a great friend but I can't say that I wasn't disappointed when I saw it wasn't you who messaged me..
The fact that this has almost 600 views is crazy. Why do people like this stuff. Please it's just me being a total sap.
08.07.24
A lot of times I think back on my exes and think "Wow they're horrible compared to Cassiel". Because you wouldn't badger me about having sex. You wouldn't send me pictures of you in lingerie..?? Maybe that's just because you're. Like. Normal compared to the freak I'm thinking about but. It makes me appreciate you and your kindness more.
It's nice knowing that you love me for me, not my body or anything. It's a really nice feeling. It makes me feel appreciated and cared for.
I really can't explain how much I love you, you mean everything to me ♡
%#bb88ee% 08.20.24
Ok you're so right. Guilt does catch up to you. It's been eating me alive I feel so bad for not like. DMing you as soon as I relapsed and crying and apologizing profusely. Please forgive me I let the voices win this time.
08.30.24
I feel bad that I haven't been writing entries in here... And that I never made us an anniversary gift! I promise I have it all done but I LOST the edit codes... I'm so sad. They were cute urls. And I already made the graphics with the url names toooooo!! Hmm.. Maybe I'll make a Soukoku rentry soon.. I did recently request a url that would work for that!
09.06.24
I'm back here because I miss you a lot but I don't want to spam your DMs while you're offline because that would be annoying... Anyway. You know that url I requested? It was accepted! I worked on the graphic but I don't really like it. It's okay though. I have so many ideas right now I'm about to burst. I love hyperfixating on ships because it gives me a bunch of motivation to make rentries for us based on that ship. I'm hyperfixated on Kunizai and Mizumafu right now. They're both literally us. Thinking about you gives me motivation too. Because I'll be putting something off like say. Cleaning my room. But then I'll think, "Well, if Cassie and I lived near each other, I would want him to be able to come over. But my room is a mess! Hy would hate it in here!!". So that motivates me to clean even though you'll probably never step foot in my house. Thank God I never want you to have to meet my horrible parents. Stay far away from them you don't deserve to have that kind of negativity in your life.
09.08.24
Hi this is gonna be a bit negative I'm sorry. Also I guess TW for implied SA for whoever needs it.
I truly believe you deserve better than me... You're so wonderful and perfect and amazing and I'm. Not. I'm tainted. I think you deserve a partner that's clean. But that's not me. I feel so dirty, and no one should love someone like that. Especially not someone as perfect as you. That's so unfair to you. I think you deserve someone perfect and wonderful and lovely, just like you. But I'm the exact opposite..! I'm tainted and broken and gross.
I'm really sorry... I don't know what I'm apologizing for. Maybe because I'm not the partner you deserve, maybe because I feel guilty for letting all this happen to me. Maybe both. Maybe I'm just apologizing for being unloveable. But whatever the reason, I'm sorry you have to deal with someone like me. At the same time... I'm grateful you love me nonetheless. You're willing to look past all these flaws...
09.29.24
I'm really tired right now. I know I said goodnight and told you I would sleep but I stayed up for an extra 5-10 minutes to gush about how you called me your little dove.
Aughhh how are you so perfect. All my life I've wanted to be loved tenderly like this and now I finally have that.. It's nice. You make me feel really happy and warm. Whenever I'm having a bad day I'll think about you and feel happier. You just have that effect on me..
Sometimes I wanna. Like. Study you. Under a microscope. You're so interesting I love you.
++　Hi again I just read through your last entry.. I could never hate you I promise. I was talking to my friend about you (surprise surprise...) and she mentioned how healthy a relationship we have and I thought on it and I realized. Nothing you've done has ever even really mildly annoyed me let alone made me genuinely upset. And I get upset easily you know? But with you, you're so kind to me and you never treat me poorly.. I promise that if I'm ever uncomfortable with something I'll let you know, okay? ♡
10.26.24
I've been thinking about you a lot today. My friends are probably annoyed. I haven't shut up about you all day... They think our relationship is really cute though. That makes me happy! I really love you lots... You're the best thing in my life. I'm really excited for you to get your phone back! My friends want to meet you... I also wanna watch ALNST with you! I listened to the music for it but I'm not watching it. I'm gonna wait for you! I like when you introduce me to your interests.. You should. Like. Make me a list of things you really really like! If you like them they must be amazing and wonderful just like you!!
I don't know what to make this themed after... Maybe Soukoku. Wow! Who would have guessed? Did you know they're literally us? I know you like Kunizai more but Soukoku can be us too right? Guess my favorite BSD ship, level impossible!! Okay I'm getting off topic. I love how you always cheer me up without even trying. Even when you're offline just looking through our old conversations makes me happier when I'm upset...　Ueueue. I love you so much. You complete me... The other half of my soul. There aren't enough words to describe this warmth I feel for you...
Adoration, affection, fondness... There's really not a strong enough word to describe my love. I'll cherish you forever...　Even if your feelings fade, I believe my heart will always belong to you. I love you, dearest. With all my soul, with my very being.
10.28.24
Hi again, darling! I did indeed settle on a Soukoku theme. I like the colors! They feel warm and happy. I think, if my love for you was a color, it would be around this color palette I used! Warm and soft... You're so lovely. I love you. Uuuu.. You're so kind to me. I really don't deserve it. I feel like you deserve better than me but. I'm very grateful that you're mine nonetheless..
I'm sorry if I annoyed you this morning.. I don't know if I did but something in my head is telling me I was annoying so. I'm sorry..　It's not like I didn't want you to be online! It was just 3AM your time and you really shouldn't be up that late... I was happy to talk to you nonetheless. But you really need a better sleep schedule. I'll try my best to help you with that.. I can set alarms for myself to remind you to go to sleep at 9-10ish your time.. That would be 12-1 my time, so I'll probably be able to do it! I want to help you..
I love you.. Ue Ue Ue. You're wonderful and nice and kind. You treat me like a person.. That's like. The bare minimum. But I'm over here swooning over the fact that you treat me like I matter. LOL?! It means a lot to me it's kind of pathetic.. But you don't mind right? I love you so much.. You're the best husband ever can we never divorce! I've been listening to a song non stop lately because I wanna be the number one listener on last fm.. It's literally us in the real?! It's my favorite song now.. I don't think I'll ever not like it. Because I can't listen to it without thinking of us so how could I ever get sick of it?
10.29.24
I don't know why I'm feeling this way, but I'm feeling pretty bad today.. I don't know. I'm sorry. Anyway, when you said you loved me so much it hurts, I understood that a lot. When I'm away from you, it feels like a burning pain in my chest. It hurts a lot, like a piece of myself was torn away from me. It's so dramatic, but it's true. I feel kind of selfish for this I'm sorry. I hope your break is helping.. Don't forget me while you're offline. Ue Ue Ue. For some reason I'm really paranoid about that. It's so unlikely to happen but I'm scared you'll come back and be like "Who the hell are you?" (/ref) or alternatively "Yeah I thought about it during my break and decided that I'm breaking up with you Goodbye." IT'S SO STUPID I'M SORRYYY UUUUUUU...
I was worried last night for another stupid reason too. I was talking to Aya and Lolita about my fear that you wouldn't like me anymore because I don't fw Fyozai. Welcome to KolyaWorld where we worry about every little thing possible! I'm sorry I'm a toxic Soukoku shipper and it pains me to ship Dazai and Chuuya with anyone but each other. The only reason I fw Nikozai and Kunizai is because they're literally us.. I can't hate anything I associate with us. This has been so negative???? What the FLIP! Anyway. Positive stuff. Did you know that I love you? I love love loooove you! You're so wonderful that I alter my toxic SKK liker brain chemistry just to like literally us ships. You are so lucky I love you because I wouldn't do that for any random oomf.
A lot of times I would just agree to date people when they crushed on me for two reasons. One, because I'm a people pleaser and I can't say no. And/Or two, because I wanted the affection I was deprived of all my life. But, you see, I fell first in this relationship, so this is weird. The only other time I was the one crushing was with Idia, but it barely counts because it was more of a.. "Squish" I guess? Like, I felt that way for a little, but then my feelings faded, but I still ended up stuck because I feel guilty whenever I have to reject people. But with you, it's different. I don't feel trapped in this relationship at all. Honestly, I'm more scared that you're the one feeling trapped. Please tell me if you do. You're Nikolai Gogol and all. I don't want to be standing between you and your freedom. The thought of that makes me sad. I don't want to be a cage for you, dearest. So, if you do feel trapped, please just tell me. I really don't mind. I value you over me, so you always come first.
11.05.24
I'm sorry I haven't written here in a while.. I should write here daily. I might start trying to. I've been writing about you in private, though. All good things. Well, all good things about you. Me.. I can't say the same about. My self esteem has plummeted recently. I don't know why. But you always end up helping, even without trying. How are you so wonderful? Why are you so wonderful, especially to someone like me? Notice how I didn't say something this time. You telling me I'm someone, not something made me cry. It was kind of silly of me. You give me too much credit, I think. I'm not that great.. I really do think you deserve better than me. But at the same time I'm insanely selfish and I want you all to myself. It's so contradictory.
I'm not good at this love thing. Maybe because nobody has ever made me feel this genuinely loved before. But it's weird and strange. You make me feel all warm and bubbly inside and it's unsettling. I'm not used to it. When I was going to kill myself, or at least disappear from the internet, I felt guilty. I cried a lot writing my note. I think I would have chickened out either way if you reached out to me or not. I just can't leave you like that. I'm terribly selfish. I was only thinking about myself when planning it, but when I thought about how it could affect you, I couldn't go through with it anymore. Thank you for giving me a reason to live. I think I deserve all bad things, I think I deserve death, but you always assure me otherwise. Why, I'm still not sure. But I'm grateful anyways. I love you so much, with all my being, with my whole heart and soul.
You truly are too good for me. I love you more than I could ever fully express in words. Thank you so much for teaching me how to love, and teaching me what proper, genuine love feels like.
11.25.24
Hello again, dearest! It's been exactly twenty days since I last wrote in here. Coincidentally, in that entry, I promised to write daily. I'm sorry. Another revamp, and it's nothing like the last. This fic really had an effect on me, didn't it? I adore the concept. Anyway, if you don't like the ghostly, dark look, you can invert it, and it looks warmer. I found that about the art very intrguing. Two different perspectives.. It fit the fic very well. But you're not here for my silly rambles, are you? Well, you are, but not about this. You came here for you! So, you you shall receive. I adore talking to and about you anyways. Six months yesterday... I'm so happy you're mine, and I'm yours. I'm already excited for our one year, then two year and so on. And you mentioned a wedding anniversary in the future too! That made me happy. It makes me feel so content at the thought of settling down with you. Away from all our struggles, maybe together we'll finally be able to find peace for both of us. I hope you feel as happy with me as I do with you.
I want to make you promise me a lot of things, but it would make me sound deranged and borderline obsessive. So, I think I'll keep my mouth shut. I get paranoid easily, I think you can tell by now. I'm whiny and childish whenever you're offline, constantly complaining about missing you. It gets lonely without you. No amount of my friends could fill the void you do. No matter how much fun I have, I know it would be 100x better with you there. Then I get sucked back into my loneliness. I get lonely when I have to go to sleep too, you know. That's why I try to refuse and stay up as late as I can. I hate being away from you. It makes me feel empty and cold. I don't like it, it makes me feel sad. That's why I try to stay up when I can. I don't mean to seem like I'm refusing to sleep on purpose, I just really hate being alone. Because once I fall asleep, I'm gonna be alone until you get online again, around 10-11AM my time, usually, sometimes even later. My friends are online then, yes, but it's not the same without you.
I've been feeling extra lonely recently, as we haven't been talking much, especially in private, but I don't reach out for fear of annoying you. It's silly, really. I pity myself for feeling so isolated, when I'm the one cursing myself with this isolation. I'll try my best to start reaching out more, darling. And I'll write in here more as well, I promise. I keep forgetting to make entries.. I'm really sorry for that. I'll do better, okay? I'll make it a habit to write something during my breakfast break after English.
11.26.24
As promised, here I am again! I'm feeling happier today. I got really excited when you talked to me last night, I was smiling so stupidly at my phone. I like hearing you talk about your interests, it makes me happy to see you happy. I started reading that manhwa you recommended! It's good so far.. I love the art style, it's soo cute.. I'm excited to continue! Then after, I'll read Witch Hat Atelier. Then after that, you can give me more recommendations! I've found that I enjoy everything that you suggest for me.. You have really good taste!
I'm kind of lonely again now, though. Even my friends haven't been helping, so I've just been reading the manhwa and waiting for you to come back online. I don't know.. I've been very easily irritated today, but I think I'll feel better when you come online. You have that effect on me. Okay I'm back again after you got online and we talked. Major mood booster!! Yay!! I love you so much, you always tend to make me feel better without even trying. I love youuu.. Ue Ue Ue Ue.
You make me really happy. I know I mentioned that a lot but it's true. I love when you talk to me and tell me about your interests and everything. And you're gonna watch Heathers for me! I'm so happy. That made me happy. I love you. Did you know? I love you sooo much. I adore talking to you and just basking in your presence. SIGHHHH. This was gonna be edgy at first I think but now I'm just happy and content. Curse you for making me happy and joyful!! I'm supposed to be angsty!!
11.27.24
Hi, dearest! I slept in today, so I missed my English class.. I'm still writing here, though, even though I'm late... I got distracted with all the rentry and soukoku stuff. It was upsetting, but you came online right as I was spiraling, so I'm alright now. I love you tons... Mwah Mwah Mwah!
I don't think I can write much here today.. I'm sorry. I'll write in my physical journal, though. You'll be able to read it in 6 more months! Can you wait that long, dear?
It won't be very different from here.. Just a bit more.. Poetic, I suppose? I can't express my true feelings without either joking about it, or being so fancy in my wording it might sound like a pathetic poem in the form of a paragraph.
12.05.24
Hi dear! I just read your entry in LDR. It's Thursday already? This week has been weird for me too... I think I'm alright, though. I feel a bit better telling you about the thing I was upset about, even if locked behind a password. I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out though, right, dearest? You're much smarter than me, so I think you'll do fine.
I hope your finger gets better soon... My head is okay, I think... It's getting better, at least. The bump is less swollen, and the scar is barely there. It makes me oddly happy how much concern you show for me, even when it's the result of me being stupid. I love you so much...
I haven't... I'll get some, and you should too, okay? I can't have my lovely boyfriend dying from dehydration... I'll remind you every day, if you'd like. I don't want to seem annoying, though.
12.12.24
Hi... I don't know why I didn't think to check LDR first. I was too busy panicking, I suppose. I've calmed down though, I think...
You know I'll wait for you. I'll wait however long it takes, okay? I hope I didn't upset you, I tried my best to phrase it nicely... I'm not mad or anything, I just wanted to let you know how I feel.
I still love you too. I'll always love you. I really hope we get this sorted out.
1.22.25
First serious entry of the year waow?! I forgot this and /ldr existed my BAD!
I just read your entry I'm gonna MURDER YOU. Please don't apologize I'm literally the one causing most of these problems IT'S OKAY!!! Don't feel bad if I was dating me I'd probably be mean to myself too. Anyway. You do deserve me and I hope one day I can finally convince you that you do. You deserve me, you deserve my love, and you deserve to be happy. Okayy? I love you so so much, you mean the world to me. I'm not gonna leave because you're a little mean to me sometimes! I know you don't hate me or anything!