Diary ♡ Lots of Warnings
No one will read this!
【 Main 】 ⠀ 【 Interests 】
May 18, 2026
I’ll admit I Fantasize of many Horrible things I’m too embarrassed to say. But I’ll tell you this: Abduction, Murder, Blood, At nighttime … Before I get into that, I’ll just say I’m a Hedonist. I Pleasuremaxx — Pleasure is Ultimately the best thing, and Pain is Useless. Pain as in depression, sadness, misery. I, myself, have Heavy Masochistic tendencies. Not Just sexually, But emotionally and physically. I like to get hated on, I like when people get angry at me. Provoking angry responses from people makes me feel defeated. I enjoy Physical stress. Workouts, hard games, or on the other side of the spectrum — vomiting, muscle aches, cramping … The List goes On & On. There’s Truly Nothing to explain this Behavior. NOW! Back to the Fantasizing … I am Bizarrely Delusional & Paranoid. Not intense enough for Schizophrenia, but Too Intense for just Mistrusting. But, I also do mistrust people and get paranoid about people. Dismiss that. The Main type of Paranoia I have is Bizarre. But I have insight and self-awareness. Here’s what I got: Someone’s going to kill Me, one way or another. That thought Sometimes is stressful … But what’s so bad about Dying? (Especially Dying Young!) I want to feel the Knife pierce through Every part of my body while I’m still alive. Or maybe a gun. See, I have a Morbid attraction to Criminals Fictional or Not. When I grow up, I’m Definitely going to date a Bad boy~ Then maybe he can fulfill my expectations. I’m okay with being killed by Any way. Poison seems fun. BUT I Love all that Blood. Being severed horribly where I bleed out and pooled of blood sloshes; the only noise you can hear in the room, and the last thing I experience before I die is the revolting, nauseating smell of flesh and blood until I get my throat slit. Then He’ll keep my body parts cuz he’s crazy. Thats the type of stuff I Dream about. Jus Horrible killing. Also Other tingz… No details. Okay, and bcuz of all of that, it explains the reason why I’m Hedonistic. Living my Life to the Fullest because there’s Always a chance you might Die. I’d Really, Genuinely, Honestly, break my legs if that was an option. I’m Self-destructive already. Misusing Drugs, Self harm, Binge/Restricting eating, Neglecting sleep, Doomscrolling, Starting conflict with Loved Ones, Taking anger out on people … And so forth. I Love Pregabalin. It makes me feel dizzy, and vulnerable. While on it, it’s Insanely Dissociating and makes me Bump into so many things. So, Clumsy and Disconnected. I’m more sociable, and less anxious at All. No anxiety At All. I learned it was used to treat Anxiety as a last resort. For the main part, it Calms me down. A lot. I barely feel Any emotions off of it. That leads me to No inhibition!!! So I guess that means No inhibition feels empty. That’s something I never noticed before, too. I’m one of The Emptiest people Ever!! Sure, I can experience something close to Absolute Happinness but I have No personality. My Morals, Thoughts, Feelings — they’re All on a complex spectrum based on my surroundings. I can Imitate almost Any emotion besides Peace. How Empty can you get? I’m the Epitome of a Performance. I go Crazzyyyy af irl Lol There’s Nothing about me that’s a part of me as a whole if we’re excluding name and appearance. The only thing Similar about me is The Dissimilarity of me. I’m So void of Empathy and Feelings. I’ll give good advice, but I really can’t understand your situation. Again, how empty can Someone get? Probably to the point of killing others. Then Again, if you go to the point of killing others, you’re the most Emotional guy in the room.
May 19, 2026
At school, I upped my Pregabalin dosage from 450mg to 600mg. Will 900mg give me a seizure? I Really wish i had Nerve pain.
May 20, 2026
Ive been Clean for a long time, but i got my Finger Cut by a Folder. I didn’t even Know folders could cut like That!!! It made me miss the sensation of Physical Self destruction. A Lot. Not enough to make me Do it again, It’s because my Birthday is in 2 Days. Death on my Birthday…. I can’t stop Imaginfinf Dying on my Birthday. It’s making me Horribly Horirbly Paranoid. I’m Going to die on my Birthday, Serious. I’m Hoping not. I know none of this is Rational Which makes it Worse. Rational Things can be Solved but this goes On & On & On. I can’t Convince myself that I’m Imagining it. That must be Why I’m Spending everyday So Happily… Or maybe it’s the Meds. And i hate when people mention My Birthday! I Ultimately know It’s Okay, it’ll be the Funnest thing Ever !!! Pleasure is Above death. I’m scared; I don’t want to experience Death when there’s Pleasure right ahead of me. It’ll be fun, and Death will get in the way
May 21, 2026
1 Day before my Birthday! I’m not so excited as i am Scared.. and I’m Realky really happy and excited. Today i made 3 new friends a grade below Me. One was Jirai. I Assume they wanted to Talk to me bc my Fits :) They’re cute too! Everyday is Amazing. I’m the Most Hypractive Energetic Social Person you’ll ever meet !!! Anyways as energetic as i am I don’t think I’m Empathetic. One of my motivations of Dying also derives from other people’s Guilt. For Example: My Family. Everyone’s had their own fantasizes of Killing themselves after their Family gets them upset, Basically that’s my main motivation. Am I a Sadist? I like to provoke Negative emotions. I Confuse Intensity with Connection. Shhh, don’t tell Anyone and It's not like I Love to do it. It just a reason why Death is the 3rd on my List!! 2nd is Pleasure, 1st is God. I'd also like to Die because I don’t wanna be Old. Thats a Rlly stupid reason. I Definitely live my Whooolleeee life Happily, so Basically a Hedonist lifestyle. Thats why I’m Ready to die. I also Luv pain. It strengthens me, and I’ll Reach all the way to the top of the Pain Levels until Death. About the Old thing, I’d like to stay Young 4Ever. I Crave youth even though I’m turning 13. I’ve been obsessed with Death All my life. I was Paranoid and Delusional. I’ve always had prophecies that I was going to Die a certain day when I was 5-9, and it’s still happening now! (Sorry, im self aware. How many more until it’s guaranteed?) Back then, I tried Repressing it, but now I’m Obsessed with it. Death is Fascinating and I’d like to see it for myself. It’s Strange how someone who enjoys Living this much is obsessed with Dying. I keep Mentioning Death but it’s the Only thing that keeps my mind occupied, all of us Collectively think of It. And Anyways, ignore if I repeat stuffHa Im not scared of death, I Can’t Wait to Die. I’ll Die Happily, knowing my Family will reflect on how they treated me, And how people wanted to be friends me, or how people regretted how they treated me, And how People just regretted things about me. I’ll Die happily thinking of that, and ill Die happily of thinking of this: They become Better people and my Death strengthens them; Inspires them to be Better people! There’s Good in me, and I’m essentially Good, right? Since Provoking Negative emotions for them to Strengthen is good. I have a Savior complex. Especially for Murderers from my fantasies. P.S. Ok, Let’s stop talking about Death? Alright? This makes me seem like a Apathetic Void-of-Emotion girl. I’m not like That. I’m Funny, Happy, Sweet #Whimsical, Ok? I can Almost become Anything besides Stable. Also it’s not that I’m Apathetic it’s just that my Emotions change too Fast. I’m either Rlly hollow or Rlly excessive. Someone truly Empty probably wouldn’t spend This much time writing about Themselves, Then Again one of my.. Alters ;) I’m just a Little Self-Contradicting ~ Cus sometimes I Want to Die when I’m Bored. Oops, We got back to death. But yes I want to Die when I’m bored. When I’m Upset, I Immediately try to feel better. Why waste your Life being sad and doing Nothing when you can do Something to change Another thing? Lol. It’s a Waste of time if you aren’t Gonna take advantage of it. I Love change. I Love Any Change. I love to Change people, I Love when my environment changes, Anything and Everything. Boredom makes me feel like I’m Dyinggg. I try to preoccupy myself with Anything too. Because of all this, you’ll see me want to Die or Not. Ok? Not being Bored reduces my Paranoia.
May 27, 2026
I haven’t wrote in Exactly a Week! Sorry Guys. I was focusing on Real things (I have a Life) & I only do ts on the Weekend BUT I’ll try fixing it. Anyway! I didn’t Die. My birthday was Amazibg. Amazing!!! It was Fun. I’m 13. I love Youth :) Anyways, Enough of tthat!!!! Bye I cant do this LOL, See u next entry. Update i took 900mg pregab :o
May 28, 2026
Holy fuck I’ll kill all of you im not Angry enough. I relapsed and it felt Amazing. I’m going to do it again, because I Love Blood and self destruction. I hope my legs Break I hope something breaks I Hope my Bones break and im not Joking at All. I hate the feeling of your ex moving on. I’m so Angry. The main emotion ive felt is Anger. Yesterday I took 900mg of Pregabalin for the first time. Just know it makes you so Nauseous and Dizzy. Horribly dizzy. Lightheaded and the Epitome of dissociative. Thank Goodness I didn’t throw up. Pregabalin makes you calm. Today I took 600mg of Pregab. It had no effect — I Think im getting Used to it. But im so angry, and I don’t know what else will work. Holy shir I’ll kill all of you. I can’t stop thinking of blowing brains out and the Blood just splatters everywhere. I wish I could cut Deeper, but all the Razors in my house are #Banned! So I’ll stick to my secret Dermaplanning razor. Life makes me so Mad, where’s the Intensity? Can someone hit me harder? Can I get an injury while playing Volleyball? Speaking of Volleyball, I went to a meeting. My friend dropped me off — two strangers appeared at my door asking me question. I’m Stupid. I’m so Stupid!! I told them who lived here, when my parents got homes, and they kept dodging my Why questions!! Also, P.S, when I walked there one of the guys was like “Did I scare you off?” Ha Ha oh my Gosh I was Blushing and so Moe. Yes, you did And im so happy :) If theyre murderers or Bad Boys I’ll gladly open the door to my Home for them. They eventually shoot me in the Forehead because it’s the best Spot. Or They Slit my Throat and hit my Windpipe. Why are people so Afraid of Death anyway? It’s just a Few Minutes. After that you’ll die. You won’t even Remember or Feel it. I Hate Humanity but I want Humanity to understand Me. See, im Sx7 Blueprint! Aka “Fascination”. Search it up if you’d like :) But im stuck in my Super Imaginative Fantasy ♥︎ Unfortunately. Still Delusional Paranoid, but it’s Ok! My Dissociation is HOrrible. I think the Only frontersvhve been Lexi and Zach? Right now it’s I.D.K. Thanks. Idk. Maybe cofront. But I just have Heavy dissociation Nooo. Goodbye! This entry is more Real-life focused than the Others.
May 29, 2026
Maybe I don’t love the idea of death as I do the idea of being on the verge of death. Life is Most beautiful when Almost at its end. And I don’t even just mean that in a Murder way, All death is beautiful. Human beings are inherently beautiful—or a better word, Complex—no matter how Misanthropic I can get. Dying Young is beautiful, dying Old is too. As for Accidents, i mean haha i truly believe nothing is an accident. ‘Accidentally’ making a mistake is part of growth, ‘Accidentally’ dying is part of growth into another part of Everything we don’t know about yet :) It’s a Really positive outlook on life, I’m positive about everything Or I Can be #Lol I try to! P.S. have u ever noticed urself saying you’re doing something just to motivate yourself to do it, is it just an adhd thing? Anyways. Death is Truly Beautiful, I’ll try to Accept My Faith as soon as it comes. Do I really want death or the possibility of death? I’ll always try to Chase the Thrill no matter what. Maximum intensity in Everything is My #1 Preference.. Will I really sacrifice my Own Life? I really want to be in a situation like that. I Really want challenges until I reach That level. If I faced death there’d be a Possibility of things id do, Will I panic? Right now is the first time I’ve felt paranoid about Death.. Thoughts, guys? I’m very passively Suicidal, but it’s not like id ever try it #Lol. No matter how bad life gets I’ll never Actually kill myself. Even if it’s what other people call an ‘accident’, it’s just Life hanging up the phone on me Alright?
Woah first time using a Paragraph break. Death is always Frowned upon because it’s Literally someone dying. Everyone pays attention when someone dies; so Death is just the Audience, is it not? It has to be the number one most infamous notorious thing Ever. I Love things impossible to ignore; I Try to be that thing. So I just couldn’t help but notice that a Lot of people try to ignore it, Or ignore the emotional aspect of it. Like for example, when people try to stop crying after a loss of a Loved one. Not saying it’s Bad at all…
I don’t think I want to die, I think I want to prove what I’d do if I had to. One’s an ending, the other is a question… Still I’m very prepared for NO? No no no I have no clue I have No clue! Okay here’s the conditions in which I’d love to die: 1) It’s Murder 2) Knife/Gun/Hatchet/Hammer/Choking/Stabbing/Shooting/ 3) The perpetrator has to be someone who I can look at 4) Nah I think I’d also really LIKE dying. But can I really say anything about something I’ve never experienced? Can YOU say anything about death, too? I’ll answer that when the time comes, for now I’ll talk about it as it’s my Lover~
May 30, 2026
I find it very hard to not succumb to my Masochistic tendencies. Are you confused? Probably Not. Search up “Self-defeating Personality Disorder Criteria” Now. Basically that’s a lot is Me. Anyways, ever since I’ve heard of that, I’ve only been noticing it more and how these traits are Innate to me. (Maybe it’s a little iatrogenic?) Seeking negative outcomes: massive check. Rejecting help: massive check. Provokes Rejection: massive check. Excessive Self-sacrifice: massive check. Attraction to mistreatment: massive check. Anhedonia & Wrecking success: Okay maybe not, lol! These things are separated from any outside circumstances, like trauma. Told you, it was innate :) But one I noticed I’ve Always ever done is Provoking rejection. I never understood why I was so drawn to getting Angry responses from people, Turns out I liked how extremely emotional it was. Like I’ve said, Intensity is my N1 Preference for Anything. Arguments with my family have always had my responses just being the same level of aggression they gave, if not higher. I Loved loved loved to experience Any intensity, Sorry. I’m the antonym of Withdrawal. Another pattern I’ve always done is Self-sacrifice. Frick a Sacrificial Lamb, what about a Self-sacrificial Lamb? Thats me!!! Am i essentially more Egocentric than Self-sacrificing? Yes.. Because most of the ‘self-sacrificing’ I do is if it means I’ll ultimately have a worse situation. Okay, that’s like, Every self sacrifice. Here’s an easier way to word it: Most of the ‘self-sacrificing’ I do is for Me! I’ll only do it if it satisfies me. Not for altruism or prioritizing others, But the opposite. That makes a Lot of sense, doesn’t it? Or maybe this is all just me coping with how generous and kind i am.. But either way is fine; one is good for Me & the other just makes Me good. Ok Toodles!