Hi darling! Happy 11 months! My brain is super busy right now and I can barely get my thoughts down. I'm really happy. You make me happy. I hope I make you happy too.
I read your bearblog entry from last night, so I'm kind of worried I did something wrong. And I don't know what because we didn't interact yesterday... If you're comfortable, could you tell me? If not, that's fine too. I want to be able to work on what I did, if I did something.
I read through /LDR too, I don't mind if you can't make something! Don't worry about it, okay? Don't apologize. I love you too! I hope you have a wonderful day today. I hope you feel better soon as well... When you're sad it makes me sad, I think.
We're super close to a whole year, so both of us will probably have to make changes, so that we last, right? Not changing our entire personalities and self, obviously. But just little things so that we're both comfortable. It happens in all long-lasting relationships. If we're not willing to make changes to help the other, things probably won't work out. And I don't like thinking about that, because I want things to work out! So much so that it's scary. I know I've never loved someone this much and that scares me sometimes.
I want to be the perfect person for you. Obviously, that's not going to happen, since nobody's perfect... But I can try to get as close to it as I can! I know I have... A lot of problems. We both do, right? I like to think that you're perfect, and I'm perfect, and nothing goes wrong ever. But that's not how it works! I've been working on that recently.
None of my other relationships have worked out, really. So I'm very scared that I'll screw this up too. And I don't want to screw it up because I love you! A lot! Way more than I've ever loved anyone else! And it recently dawned on me just how much I do love you. Like. I knew I loved you a lot, but I genuinely don't know what I'd do if we don't end up working out, you know?
I don't mean to sound... I don't know what the word is. 'Guilt trippy'? I don't know. I don't mean to sound like I'm gonna die if you break up with me, to make you stay with me. I've been trying to phrase things so it doesn't sound like that. I'm still paranoid that you feel pressured to stay with me since that evil little 11 year old put that doubt in my mind.
I want to love you forever, if you'd let me. Okay? Yesterday I was thinking, "Wow, when Vani and I get married, I'll be whiz wife for REAL!", and that got me giggling and rolling in my bed until I was out of breath. I like thinking about our future. I don't know if I've told you this before, but I like that we both use 'when' instead of 'if' when talking about our future. That makes me happy. It's just a little thing, but it brings me a lot of joy.