Torchic Crosses the Alps

by Phanpy-anon

“Stop right there, you four!”

I turned around. It was rare to come across another team in a dungeon. A Mime Junior stood behind us, hands on his hips. He was flanked by a Zorua to his left and a Ditto to his right. A Sudowoodo stood behind them, towering over the rest of her team. I could spot the Snorunt we had been sent here to rescue standing next to the Sudowoodo.

Mime Junior pointed at his chest. “I am Remulus, and we are here to complete your mission for the glory of Rome!”

The rest of his entourage let out a cheer. All four of them had random English words and other symbols written on their body. The word ‘Dradful’ ran across Sudowoodo’s chest. Other markings looked like poorly scrawled imitations of Japanese characters. I managed to decipher what could have been the word ‘killer’ or ‘filler’ in blue paint on Zorua’s forehead. I could already hear Cyndaquil’s suggestive remark.

“Are you guys humans? The Guildmaster hates it when we compete like this,” I said.

Remulus threw back his head and laughed. “We aren’t a part of your guild of frauds! We are experts on all known information on humans!”

“Can you guys just drop the act? And his name was ‘Romulus,’ ” said Torchic.

Sudowoodo struck a pose, revealing red markings on her right hand. “It is no act! I summoned Remulus here to aid me in the Holy Grail War against the Clover Guild!”

“Wait, I know what this is,” said Cyndaquil. “You guys are just copying the Fate series.”

“You know what he’s talking about?” I said.

“Phanpy," said Torchic, "I don’t think even Romulus here knows what he’s talking about."

Cyndaquil shrugged. “Not really, I only played Fate/Grand Order for the waifus. I skimmed the story sections while looking up porn of the characters.”

“Silence!” shouted Remulus, pulling out a book. “We have uncovered human relics, and studied them long and hard to discover human history!”

Cyndaquil craned his neck to read the cover of the book. “Oh, sweet, is that a Nero doujin? Let me have it and I’ll show you something long and hard, if you catch my drift.”

“I will not let you defile Nero!” shouted Remulus.

Ditto raised its two blobby arms towards the sky. “Cease your disrespect at once or I, Caligoola, will strike you down!”

Torchic nodded. “Right, so that’s three out of four. Zorua, what’s your damage?”

Zorua scoffed. “Damage? I’ll have you know that I am the great Jules Verne! Lover of Cleopatra, conqueror of Gaul and Britannia, the greatest intellect of Rome!”

“Okay, these guys are fucking with us,” said Torchic.

Sudowoodo struck another pose. “You are blessed to be in the presence of the last Master of Pokemanity and her Servants, destined to save the world from the great evil of the Clover Guild!”

Cyndaquil pointed at the very confused Snorunt. “Are you in on this?”

Snorunt shook his head.

“Do you still doubt our sincerity? Maybe this will change your mind!” Remulus reached into his bag. With a shout, he hurled a blast seed directly into my face.

…

“You can take the bandages off for meals, but make sure to always put on a fresh set afterwards,” said Kina, the 'nurse Audino' that Cyndaquil was so fond of.

“Mmph,” I mumbled.

Kina put a small glass jar into my bag. “And every time you do, apply the burn ointment to your face.”

“Mmph.”

“As long as you keep everything clean, you should be fine in a day or two.”

“Mmph.”

Kina opened the examination room door. “Make sure you come see me if you need anything else.”

I nodded, and walked out of the room. My teammates were sitting in the waiting room.

“You look like a mummy," said Cyndaquil.

"Yeah, it's pretty cool!" said Totodile.

"I'm just glad your big head blocked most of the explosion," said Torchic.

Torchic had been sitting on my back during the rescue job, as was our fashion. She was missing small patches of feathers on her face and upper body where she had been hit by the blast seed.

I tried to speak, but the bandages covering my face made it hard to open my mouth. All that came out was more low mumbling.

"It seems like our leader is incapacitated. I believe that means command falls to me," said Cyndaquil.

"Can Torchic be in charge instead?" said Totodile.

I nodded in agreement.

“Sounds like you’ve been overruled, Cyndaquil.” Torchic got out of her chair. "We can start by figuring out who those guys who jumped us are, then we can think about returning the favor."

“That’s a bit mean, we should try to be friends!” said Totodile.

“We can’t let other exploration teams walk all over us,” said Torchic, “It’s about sending a message.”

“She has a point,” said Cyndaquil. “They attacked us and stole our mission. We can be friends after we get even”

“Any objections, Phanpy?” said Torchic.

I shook my head.

“Then let’s get going,” said Torchic, leading us to the marketplace.

When we got there, Torchic walked up to the Kecleon brothers. “We’re trying to find an exploration team, and we wanted to see if they stopped by here at all.”

As Torchic described our assailants I scanned the marketplace. I didn’t spot our assailants anywhere in the crowded square.

The green Kecleon rubbed his chin. “I haven’t seen them lately, but they’re regular customers of ours. They found what they claim are human history books, and like to pretend they’re a group of humans. They call themselves ‘The Romans.’ ”

Purple nodded. “They like to hang around the library, reading those books they found. I would stay clear of them if I were you, they seem to have it out for the Clover Guild. It’s strange, considering you all like to act like you’re humans.”

“You know how enthusiasts can be," said Green. "Always have to be right.”

“It’s a shame, those four are so helpful. They could really teach the Clover Guild some manners.”

Cyndaquil cleared his throat. “We’re still here.”

Purple looked at Cyndaquil. “I know. Should I have been more specific? They could really teach you some manners.”

Torchic butted in before Cyndaquil could respond. “This has all been very helpful, but we have to be on our way!”

I dragged a protesting Cyndaquil along behind us.

“This sucks!" whined Cyndaquil. "Phanpy would have let me get at least a few snarky lines in!”

“You’re getting distracted,” said Torchic. “Focus on getting sweet revenge.”

“There’s no rush, it sounds like they live here.”

“If we beat them up, we can take that Nero doujin they had as compensation.”

Cyndaquil bolted in the direction of the library.

…

The four of us crowded around a library window. The four ‘humans’ were inside. Remulus had a paintbrush in hand and was painting symbols onto Jules Verne. Caligoola was reading a book with a flushed face and a dopey expression.

Cyndaquil snickered. “I wonder if they know what those symbols mean.”

“What do they mean?” said Totodile.

“I’m pretty sure it’s Japanese onomatopoeia for moans of pleasure. I bet they managed to find loads of porn, and they’re hoarding it all for themselves!”

Totodile tilted his head. “It’s a library, maybe you could ask if you could borrow some of their books.”

“Would you want a second hand porn mag?”

“Cyndaquil," said Torchic, "I thought you wanted to steal their stuff.”

“It doesn’t bother me, but I mean, would they want it back after I borrowed it?” said Cyndaquil

“Aren’t they sharing porn right now?” asked Torchic.

Cyndaquil nodded. “Sure, but it's one thing to share some saucy books with your buddies, another to give them to a complete stranger.”

Torchic looked at Cyndaquil. “I don’t know why, but that’s a much more reasonable answer than I was expecting.”

“I may not be a smart man, but I understand the hearts of pasty nerds very well.”

Torchic turned back towards our rivals. “So, nerd expert, how should we do this? We can’t kick their asses in the middle of the library.”

Cyndaquil thought for a moment. “I guess we can challenge them to a competition. They seem like they enjoy showing off. If we offer to race them to finish a mission, we can ambush them in the dungeon and rough them up.”

“There’s no way they won’t know we’re trying to lure them into a trap,” said Torchic.

Cyndaquil rubbed his chin. “Maybe, but I know a little bit about the characters they’re playing as. If we frame rejecting the challenge as dishonoring Rome, they’ll feel obligated to take it anyways.”

“What characters are they even playing as? This is all from a game series, right?” asked Torchic.

“I don't know exactly what they're doing, it seems like some details were lost in translation, but the gist is that historical figures come back from the dead and fight. The history part is very surface level and anime-ified to make room for boobs and people shooting lasers at each other.”

Torchic stepped away from the window. “Historical figures? I can work with that. Keep an eye on the dork squad and I’ll go look for a job.”

Torchic ran off towards the guild. The rest of us stayed put and watched our new rivals. The four Pokemon were taking turns drawing more random words and symbols on each other. When Jules opened a book, Cyndaquil pressed his face to the glass to try and make out the pictures.

“What’s the body paint for? Is it part of the game?” asked Totodile.

“No clue," said Cyndaquil. "I guess it’s like when weebs get random Japanese words inked onto their arms.”

Totodile sighed. “I wish we could talk things out. It seems like you’d have a lot in common with them.”

“Sorry Totodile, but sometimes violence is the only solution.”

Totodile pouted. “I know. Doesn't stop me from dreaming of a better world."

Torchic returned with a paper in her beak.

Cyndaquil took it from her and read the request out loud. “I lost my golden ribbon in Tiny Meadow, please get it back!

Totodile perked back up. “I like it! It’ll be like a game of capture the flag!”

Torchic looked around the group. “So we’re all okay with this job? We’ll challenge them to get the scarf first. To the victor goes the glory.”

When nobody objected, Torchic kicked open the door to the library. The four human pretenders looked up at us.

Torchic puffed out her chest. “I am Hannibal of Carthage, here to enact my vengeance upon Rome! With me I have Vercingetorix, the King of the Gauls, and Pyrrhus the King of the Molossians!” Torchic nodded towards Cyndaquil and Totodile as she introduced their characters.

Remulus rolled his eyes. “You can’t just make up people! This is a human historical roleplay!”

“I didn’t ‘make up’ anything!" shouted Torchic. "Hannibal was the Carthaginian general during the Second Punic War! And how do you not know who Vercingetorix was? He fought against Julius Caesar, one of your characters!”

Jules put down his book. “Um, actually, my name is Jules Verne. I’m not surprised you Clover Guild idiots can’t keep track of the lore. You can’t even pronounce human names correctly!”

Torchic turned back towards us. “Cyndaquil, I thought you said it was a historical series!”

Cyndaquil shrugged. “I don’t know every character! Maybe those guys just wouldn’t make good waifus!”

Totodile snatched the job request from Cyndaquil’s hands and slammed it onto the table. “It doesn’t matter, for we challenge Rome! Finish this job before us, or forever stain the honor of your country!”

Sudowoodo looked over the job. “This is a trap, isn’t it?"

Totodile laughed. “Are the mighty Romans too scared to brave a little danger? What happened to the valor of Jupiter's children?”

Caligoola stiffened in his seat. “The Romans never back down from a fight! You’re on!”

Jules tapped his paw on the table to get his companion's attention. “As the smartest man in Rome, I have to caution against accepting this challenge. These Clover Guild douches are definitely plotting something."

Torchic walked up to Romans. “Fine, how about we give you a headstart? We won’t leave until tomorrow, and you four can leave right now. We'll all agree to no outside help in traveling. No flight, no Lapras Liner."

Sudowoodo considered the offer. “Give us a minute, Carthaginians. We need to discuss your challenge in private.”

The four Romans withdrew to the corner of the library.

“I’m getting into this, we should roleplay more often!” said Totodile.

“Maybe if we can find a better group," said Cyndaquil. "I bet these guys spend half the time talking about how cool their characters are, and the other half rules-lawyering every roll."

“They probably metagame constantly too,” said Torchic.

It seemed like Cyndaquil and Totodile were forgetting something important. I prodded Torchic’s back.

“What, Phanpy?” said Torchic.

I made gestures with my trunk towards a grandfather clock.

After a second, Torchic understood my question. “Oh, the head start? Don’t worry about it, I have a plan.”

The council of dweebs seemed to reach a conclusion.

Sudowoodo approached us. “Rome has discussed your challenge, and we accept! Check in with the Kecleon brothers before you depart tomorrow, and we will be satisfied that you have upheld your end of the bargain.”

The other three Romans were stuffing their books into their backpacks. When they had finished, the Romans headed out of the door.

Jules stopped in front of Torchic on his way out. “May the best general win, Hannibal.”

…

Torchic barged into the map room. "Macom, we need a map!"

There were only a couple Pokemon that were willing and able to ferry teams across the continent, so most of us had to travel on foot. That meant that Macom, a Mareep and a cartographer, was constantly in this room, copying maps and helping teams plan their routes.

Macom shuffled the maps covering the table in the middle of the room. "Right. Where to?"

"We're going to Tiny Meadow. Through the mountains," said Torchic.

Macon looked up from the maps. "Are you sure? There aren't any easy passes through the mountains. It'd be best to go around and avoid the climb entirely."

"Actually, can you draw up both routes?"

"If you insist," said Macom. "When do you need the map by?"

"We’re leaving tomorrow morning!"

Macom found a blank piece of paper and began sketching. "I wish you people knew what advanced notice was. Give me a few hours, and I should be able to sketch something simple for you."

"That's perfect. We’ll come back after we make preparations."

Torchic and Totodile exited the room, leaving me and Cyndaquil with Macom.

"Macom, are you familiar with the Welsh?" asked Cyndaquil.

"Yeah, why?" said Macom.

"I think I may have some Welsh ancestry, because right now I am filled with the overwhelming desire to shag a sheep."

Macom set his pencil down. "Do you want to make your own maps from now on?"

I began ushering Cyndaquil out of the war room, but he refused to quit. "Just think about it! I wanna beep the sheep!"

I slammed the door behind us. Torchic and Totodile were already jogging out of the guild. The two of us ran to catch up with them.

“If we’re going mountain climbing, do you think we can bring skis?” said Totodile.

“You probably have to get them custom made,” said Torchic. “So we couldn’t afford it.”

Cyndaquil drew up alongside them. “Besides, everyone knows the chicks dig snowboarders.”

“That’d be doable," said Torchic. "We could find a plank of wood to tie to your feet. Do you know how to snowboard?”

“No, but women also love a man who’s daring. I’d say snowboarding down a mountain with no experience is pretty daring.”

Torchic snorted. “It’s the kind of daring that selects itself out of the genepool.”

“Do you think they have any sperm banks here?" asked Cyndaquil. "I’ll make a deposit before we leave, then you three need to tell all of the ladies in town about my glorious death.”

“I’m not doing that.”

“I’ll tell everyone at the bar how you died!” said Totodile.

“Thank you, Totodile. I can face my end with dignity,” said Cyndaquil.

Torchic stopped in front of a tailor’s shop. “We’ll need to pick some stuff up from here.”

“You’re right. If you can dig my frozen, bloodied corpse out of the snow then you should put it in a nice suit for the funeral,” said Cyndaquil.

“We need winter clothes! If you want to buy a suit, then you’re hiking in the suit.”

Cyndaquil took a moment to weigh the two options. “If I freeze my balls off in the mountains, do you think it’d be like a sperm bank?”

“Definitely not," said Torchic. "Snow isn’t cold enough for cryogenic storage, and we wouldn’t have any way to bring it back without it thawing.”

“Maybe we can recruit one of the ice types around the guild to help. I’m pretty sure I saw a Sneasel walking around somewhere.”

I opened the door to the tailor and walked inside while my teammates continued their discussion. I was surprised to find that there were almost no clothes on display. A few mannequins of varying sizes and body shapes showed off some of the tailor’s handiwork, but the rest of the store shelves displayed different patches of fabric of various colors and patterns like a hardware store showing off paint. After a minute of staring at the many flavors of plaid on offer, the rest of my team entered the store.

Torchic approached the counter. “Excuse me, do you have any winter clothing? My friends and I are going out hiking tomorrow.”

An Ariados stood behind the counter. “Tomorrow? You’re lucky so many small Pokemon like yourselves moved into town recently. I may have your sizes. Follow me.”

We followed Ariados behind the counter and into a room lined floor to ceiling with clothes on hangers. The entire room must have taken up multiple floors. Several silk threads were anchored to the ceiling and ran down to the floor. Ariados grabbed a thread and climbed. She rummaged through a clothing rack suspended a story above us.

Ariados slid down her thread, carrying clothes draped over one leg and several shoe boxes between another two. When she reached the floor, she set the boxes down and held up a jacket to Torchic. “This should fit, though it will be a little tight around the base of your wings.” she pointed at Cyndaquil and Totodile, “There’s plenty of small bipedal clothing, so you get to take your pick.” Ariados looked at me. “And you’re in luck. I managed to find some earmuffs big enough to cover your ears. They’re for a Pokemon five times your size, but I can swap out the headband. I also managed to find four matching boots.”

Cyndaquil took the rest of the clothes from Ariados. Him and Totodile began looking through the pile.

Ariados helped Torchic put on the jacket. “How does this feel?”

“Fits like a glove,” said Torchic.

“Good. Now, Phanpy, let’s get these boots on you.”

The boots were easy to slip on. Ariados tied up the laces. “Comfortable?”

I nodded.

Ariados turned to Totodile and Cyndaquil. “Do you two still need a minute?”

“Yes! I need clothes stylish enough to die in!" said Cyndaquil. "At my funeral, everyone needs to know that I was a daring and very fertile man!”

Ariados was at a loss for words.

“Ignore him,” said Torchic.

“Right. I guess we can adjust these earmuffs while we wait,” said Ariados.

She took us to a neighboring room. It was home to a small workshop, complete with a loom for weaving silk. Ariados brought her forelegs together, then pulled them apart. A thin thread of spider silk connected the ends of her legs. She wrapped the thread over my head like a tape measure.

Once her legs had reached the ends of my ears, she pulled the thread back. “Has anyone ever told you that you have a big head?”

“Yes, they have,” said Torchic.

Ariados laid the strand of silk onto a table. She placed a block of wood next to it and sketched out the shape of a headband. “You two can wait with your friends. This should only take a few minutes. It isn’t the first time I've had to refit something on short notice.”

We found Cyndaquil and Totodile fully dressed in winter gear. Both had found snow boots and jackets. Totodile also wore an Ushanka and mittens, while Cyndaquil had a knit cap and a pair of ski goggles.

“Where did you even find goggles?” asked Torchic.

“There was a lot of snazzy stuff in there," said Cyndaquil, "but I had to go with the classic snowboarder attire.”

“And Totodile is going for the ‘drunk Russian’ aesthetic,” said Torchic.

“I helped him pick it out, I think it looks pretty good! I just wish they had tracksuits here.”

“It’s very warm,” said Totodile.

Ariados emerged from her workshop with the earmuffs. The top of the wooden headband was wrapped in fabric, presumably for comfort. “Ah, I see you’ve picked out your outfits. Were you looking for anything else?”

“This is everything,” said Torchic.

After paying for our winter gear, we stocked up on food and other supplies for the journey. With nothing left to do but wait for tomorrow morning, I spent the rest of the day in the guild. Torchic dropped by the map room to get the map from Macom, then disappeared with Cyndaquil.

…

“Still a mummy, Phanpy?” said Cyndaquil. “I guess Torchic’s in charge again.”

I mumbled through my bandages in response. Before we embarked, I had a quick check-in at the clinic. I avoided telling Kina about our expedition. If she snitched on us, the Guildmaster would lock me in my room until the nurse said I was fit to work.

“It doesn’t matter. Now that we’re all here, we should get moving,” said Torchic.

We stopped by the Kecleon brothers’ store on our way towards Tiny Meadows.

Green looked happy to see us. “I’m surprised you four actually showed up! I expected you to try some kind of underhanded tactic to steal the victory!”

“Us Carthaginians are a noble people,” said Totodile.

One of the townsfolk walked up to the stall. “Twenty Poke on the Romans.”

“Hey, you can’t bet against us!” said Cyndaquil. “We’ve got plenty of spunk! We’ll win, just you wait!”

Purple took the money and wrote down the name of the Pokemon who placed the bet. “Your competitors have a good reputation with the people here. Hopefully you can learn a few manners fr-”

Torchic cut him off. “Yeah, whatever, we don’t care. We checked in with you two, so we’re off.”

As we walked away, I watched more Pokemon come up the table to place bets on our competition. I even spotted a few guild members amongst the crowd. A part of me wished I bet on the outcome, though I wasn’t sure which side would win.

We moved south, following the roads at a brisk march. It was easy going at first, but eventually the road veered west towards Treasure Town and we had to wade through the grass towards our objective. We continued through the grasslands until we arrived at the base of the mountains.

“Alright everybody, get your gear on." said Torchic. "We’ll stop for lunch somewhere on the mountains, but it’s going to be a few hours straight of hiking."

Cyndaquil and Totodile helped Torchic and I put on our winter clothes before donning their own equipment.

“You know, I was thinking,” said Cyndaquil, “maybe we should sled down the mountain. It’d be faster than hiking.”

“Yeah! Sledding sounds fun!” said Totodile.

Torchic started up the mountain. “That’s an even worse idea than snowboarding. How would we control the sled?”

“Phanpy is pretty heavy," said Cyndaquil. "Maybe he can just shift his weight around or something!”

Torchic scoffed. “Just check the map, which way is the pass?”

Cyndaquil pulled the map out of his backpack. “Seems like we’re on the right track, though Macom colored this map weirdly. Why does it get redder at the top of the mountain?”

“It’s a topographical map. The colors represent elevations. I’m surprised he put in that much detail for us.”

Cyndaquil nodded. “Sexy and smart, huh? That sheep’s really something.”

After we had walked for an hour, the ground began to get noticeably steeper. It was still manageable, so we pressed onwards. Soon the temperature started to drop.

When I was beginning to see my own breath, Totodile spoke up. “Can we stop for a second? I’m getting lightheaded.”

We halted our march.

“I guess we should take a second to get acclimated,” said Torchic. “These Pokemon bodies are more resilient than our human ones, but even they have limits.”

Totodile nodded, then sat down. He opened a bottle of liquor and took a sip.

“Should he really be drinking while we climb a mountain?” asked Cyndaquil.

“It’s not like he’ll stop if we tell him to,” said Torchic. “While we’re waiting, I want a look at the map.”

When Totodile finished his bottle, he stuck it back into his bandolier and stood up. “All set!”

Torchic looked up from the map. “Then let’s get going. We’re almost at the pass.”

The temperature continued to drop as we ascended further up the mountain. Snow covered the ground around us, crunching under our boots as we climbed. Two mountain peaks dominated the skyline in front of us. Macom’s map pointed us towards a point between them where we could make our crossing. We carefully picked our way through the snow, but soon we were faced with a vertical rock wall.

“Alright Cyndaquil, you’re up,” said Torchic.

“Why do I have to do it? It’ll take hours!” said Cyndaquil.

“Because you have the only sober set of hands on the team!”

Cyndaquil grumbled as he rummaged through his bag. He withdrew a hammer and a set of metal crosses. Each cross consisted of pairs of iron thorns welded together. Cyndaquil held a pointy end of a cross up to the cliff wall and hit the flat end with the hammer. After a dozen swings, the cross seemed to be firmly lodged in the rock.

“Get on the foothold, Phanpy." said Torchic. "We tested their strength in town, but Cyndaquil is a lot lighter than you are."

I put a foot on the makeshift step. I lifted myself up, balancing on one foot. After a few seconds I got back down.

Torchic nodded in satisfaction. “Seems like it’ll hold.”

“It better hold,” said Cyndauqil. “We spent all night making these.”

Cyndaquil began hammering in another foothold immediately next to the first one. He stood on the first improvised ladder rung and hammered in another set of crosses. When he finished with the second step, Cyndaquil climbed down and looked at me expectantly. It was a bit of an awkward climb, but my time at Wigglytuff’s guild had made me an expert at climbing ladders with four legs and a trunk.

After I climbed back down, Cyndaquil sighed and rubbed his hammering arm. “I wish we could make Totodile do this.”

Once we had proved the first few steps could hold my weight, Cyndaquil slowly added more steps to the iron ladder. The entire process took hours, especially when Cydanquil couldn’t find a good seam to wedge the foothold in. At that point, he had to rely on brute force. With a Pokemon’s strength, it was doable, but the bent thorns scattered around the ground attested to the efficiency of this method.

At the top of the cliff, I found Cyndaquil flopped down into the snow face-first. His backpack laid in the snow next to him.

“We’re never going mountain climbing again,” muttered Cyndaquil.

“Don’t worry, now we just have to get down,” said Torchic. “And then we can take the easy way back.”

Totodile looked through Cyndaquil’s bag for lunch. “And now we get to take a break!”

Cyndaquil rolled over. “You guys already had a break! I did all the work!”

I began to unwrap the bandages on my face. The burns left by the blast seed felt raw in the cold mountain air.

“I didn’t think you could get so red, Phanpy!” said Totodile.

I took an apple from Totodile. “Yeah, it’s like rug burns all over my face.”

“While you’re unmuzzled," said Torchic, "I need your opinion on something, Phanpy."

“What?” I said.

“Get the map, I need your estimation on how close those nerds are to Tiny Meadow.”

I retrieved the map and unfolded it on top of Cyndaquil’s bag. “At the rate we usually travel, we’d be nearing Craggy Coast right about now. I would guess we have less than a day if you want to get there before them.”

Cynaquil sat up. “I bet we have more time than that.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because these are a bunch of nerds, and nerds hate physical exertion. They’ll be overconfident from the head start we gave them and be taking plenty of time to rest.”

Totodile bit into a rawst berry. “You do make us march pretty quickly, Phanpy.”

“Well, time is money,” I said. “We’re just barely treading water, and every day we waste is another day of supplies we have to buy.”

Torchic was still pouring over the map. “The shortest route isn’t always the cheapest. I blew our savings on the gear for the climb.”

I looked at Torchic. “Am I the only one here who knows how to balance a budget?”

“Yeah. That’s why we usually let you handle the money.”

“So if we botch this mission, we’re screwed,” I said.

“We won’t botch it,” Torchic tapped a spot on the map with a talon. “If we continue down the mountain, we can set up an ambush here. We’ll hit ‘em before they even set foot in the dungeon. Then we just have to get the scarf and get out.”

“What stops them from attacking us on the way back?” I asked.

“They’ll expect us to book it back to Capim Town, so we’ll take the long way around the mountain range. Go west instead of east, along the road that goes through Treasure Town. Maybe we can visit Spinda’s Cafe too, for old time’s sake.”

“I like Torchic’s plan!” said Totodile.

“We can’t go drinking, we don’t have any money,” I said.

Cyndaquil got to his feet and stretched. “I’m sure we can pawn our winter clothes for some spending money, if you really want to get wasted. Either way, I’m feeling less sore, so I’m all ready to go.”

I dug around in my bag for the ointment Kina gave me. “Give me a minute, I have to rewrap my face first.”

…

The mountains weren’t as steep on the far side of the range, making the descent much easier than the ascent. We managed to reach the spot Torchic had chosen for our ambush before sunset.

I discarded another set of bandages. The mountain climb had not helped my injuries. “What will we do if they’re faster than we expected, and already have the ribbon?”

“They’ll come back on this road, so nothing changes,” said Torchic.

I wiped a glob of excess burn ointment off of my face. “Can you actually tell us the plan for the ambush?”

“Right, the plan. Cyndaquil is going to stand out on the road, waiting for the dweebs. The rest of us are going to camp up here on the hill, hidden in the bushes. When they get here, Cyndaquil will draw them into an argument. We’ll charge down the hill and hit ‘em while they’re distracted!”

“Why do I have to be the distraction?” said Cyndaquil.

“Yeah," said Totodile. "I wanna give a speech to those dastardly Romans!”

“Cyndaquil can’t fight, so he gets to be the distraction," said Torchic. "I’m sure you can hold their attention with something."

Cyndaquil nodded. “It’d be pretty easy.”

“Good. I suggest we turn in early. We’ll want to be up early to keep a constant watch on the road tomorrow, so they don’t slip by us.”

We made smalltalk while we waited for the sun to set, then went to sleep. In the morning, Cynaquil stood in the middle of the dirt road between Craggy Coast and Tiny Meadow. We waited in the foliage on the hill. A gray fog hug in the air. Hopefully the fog would make it harder to spot us.

Torchic sat on my back, her chin resting on my head. “Now for the boring part.”

Totodile popped open a bottle and began drinking as we watched Cyndaquil fidget nervously on the road. It took a few hours of waiting, a time period where Totodile finished several bottles, before someone called out to Cyndaquil.

I recognized the voice as Remulus. “You! Are you one of the Carthaginians?”

Cyndaquil crossed his arms. “I am! And I’m here to tell you: your waifu is shit! Nero is fat, stupid, and annoying!”

There was an explosion of angry shouting from the Romans.

Cyndaquil raised his voice to remain audible. “You’re just mad because you know I’m right! Dido, the founding Queen of Carthage, is ten times as beautiful and twenty times wiser than your pathetic Nero!”

Jules walked up to Cyndaquil. “I should strike you down right now! Where is the rest of your disgusting team?”

Sudowoodo nodded. “Yeah, how did you even get here before us! You were supposed to give us a head start!”

Cyndaquil started circling around the Romans, trying to get them to turn their backs towards our hiding place. “We just took a shortcut, obviously! You four are almost as dumb as Nero’s outfit! Who wears heels to a battle?”

As they continued to argue, Torchic whispered to me and Totodile. “Totodile, get that Sudowoodo. Phanpy, charge into the Zorua. I’ll get that stupid Mime.”

“What about Caligoola?” said Totodile.

“The Ditto? He isn’t carrying anything, and he’d have to take the time to transform to be able to fight us. We can deal with him after the others. Now, on the count of three.”

The moment Torchic finished counting, Totodile and I charged down the hill and into the open. The Romans had just enough time to turn around in surprise before we were on them. I slammed into Jules, easily knocking him to the ground. I could feel the heat of Torchic launching fireballs from her position on my back. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Sudowoodo trying to shield her face from Totodile’s blast of water.

I refocused my attention on the opponent in front of me. Zorua was desperately reaching for something in his bag. After a few kicks, he ceased to be a threat. When I looked through his bag, I found a collection of seeds and several volumes of hentai.

I heard Caligoola’s worried voice. “Y-you guys don’t have to keep hitting Remulus like that! He’s already down!”

I looked up. After she had fired her initial volley at Remulus, Torchic had gotten off of my back. She stood over the Mime Junior, clawing and pecking his face.

Totodile and Sudowoodo were still fighting, but the Sudowoodo had a bright red blush and glassy eyes. Her movements were more clumsy than they were when the fighting began.

As I approached Caligoola, the Ditto held up its arms. “I’m not a fighter, so take it easy! You guys won!”

Cyndaquil grabbed a fistful of Caligoola’s chest. “We haven’t won yet! Where’s the hentai?”

“No… you can’t take it!”

Totodile stood over a sleeping Sudowoodo and shouted. “We claim them as the spoils of war!”

Caligoola knelt down, or at least did the closest thing a sentient blob could do to kneeling. “But they’re our sacred texts! We’d be lost without their guidance!”

Torchic spat some of Remulus’s blood onto the ground. “Woe to the vanquished,” she said.

…

True to its name, Tiny Meadow was not much bigger than Capim Town. Between the four of us it wasn’t hard to locate the golden ribbon shining in the sunlight.

Cyndaquil lifted the ribbon over his head. “Flag secured! Let’s get back to town!”

“I’m surprised climbing the mountain was harder than jumping those guys,” said Torchic.

“They only beat us last time by surprising us," said Cyndauil. "They also maimed Phanpy’s face pretty badly, so we couldn't chase 'em down.”

“Guess so." said Torchic. "I’m glad I returned the favor to that Mime Junior. But Totodile, what did you do to Sudowoodo? She looked drunk.”

Totodile shrugged. “I guess I drank more than I usually do before we fight. Maybe the alcohol got into my attacks.”

“Is that how you drink so much?” said Cyndaquil. “Do you just spit the alcohol out of your bloodstream?”

“I would never waste booze like that!”

With our objective acquired, we exited the dungeon and started the journey home.

Our trip back to Capim Town was pleasant. We took our time, taking frequent breaks to recover from the difficult trek through the mountains. By the time we made it back, I had finally healed enough to not need the bandages anymore. Totodile asked if we could visit the Kecleon brothers before turning in the job, and we decided we would return to town in style.

Totodile shouted to be heard over the noisy marketplace. “Make way! Make way for the victorious Hannibal!”

I raised my trunk and trumpeted. Torchic stood on my back with the golden ribbon tied around her neck. The crowd parted around us. I could hear Pokemon grumbling about how much they lost betting on the Romans.

Our procession threaded through the marketplace, making sure everyone could see Torchic, before stopping in front of the Kecleons.

“See! I told you!" crowed Cyndaquil. "Never bet against the Carthaginians!”

Green sighed. “Yes, yes. Very impressive. If I didn’t see your team the same day you left, I would accuse you of cheating.”

Cyndaquil thrust a finger into Green's face. “Say it! Say we’re better than the Romans!”

“Fine." said the Kecleon. Your team is better than the Romans.”

“You too, Purple!”

Purple rolled his eyes. “That’s not my name, but well done. You’re better than the Romans.”

Having now achieved an emotional victory, we went off into Capim Town to return the ribbon to secure our actual victory. From there we went back to our room in the guild.

Cyndaquil stuffed the hentai we claimed underneath his mattress. “I think that was one of our best jobs yet!”

“You don’t need to hide those,” I said, “all three of us know you have hen-”

Cyndaquil shushed me. “Shh! I’m not hiding them from you, I’m hiding them from the rest of the guild! This stuff’s one of a kind in this world, and I don’t wanna lose it!”

“You know the Pokemon we took them from know we have it, right?”

“We can take ‘em in a fight,” said Torchic. “So for today, just relax. This is one of the few jobs we’ve done that ended in an unqualified success.”

I sat down on my bed. “You’re right. For once, we avoided causing a disaster. Cyndaquil, hand me one of those books. I might as well see what made those guys so dedicated to their roleplaying.”

Cyndaquil tossed me a book. “That’s the spirit! Here, this one’s a personal favorite!”