Enter the Federation: Death and Taxes

by Phanpy-anon

The four of us walked into the Guildmaster’s office. Alakazam sat in the Guildmaster’s chair, while Chatot perched on top of his desk. The Guildmaster was leaning on the wall behind them, looking annoyed.

Alakazam pointed at Cyndaquil. “You. Stop that.”

Cyndaquil was confused. “Stop what?”

“I know what you’re thinking.”

Cyndaquil smirked. “Oh, you do?”

The two locked eyes in what would have looked like an intense psychic duel, if I didn’t know better.

Chatot looked at me. “Ah yes, Team Misfits.”

“That’s not our name,” I said.

“It’s what your associates call you. Unless you prefer Team OnlyPhans?”

“No, but I think we should get a say in our team name!”

“It doesn’t matter.” Chatot handed me an envelope. “It isn’t like you’ll ever be an exploration team. I have nothing but contempt for your ‘team,’ but Alakazam and I had a long chat with your Guildmaster. Meowstic insisted you participate in this test, and we all agreed that you should be sent somewhere,” he paused, “remote. Where there’s nothing important for you to destroy."

I opened the envelope and began looking inside.

Chatot continued the briefing. "To not place an undue financial burden on your team, we have allowed Meowstic to generously purchase you four Lapras Liner tickets. There is also a map providing directions to the dungeon we believe contains a rift."

I pulled out a slip of paper from the envelope. It was covered in red ink. "What's this?"

"Ah, that. That is a fine from the Federation for the Apple Woods incident."

I scanned the page. "There's no way we can afford this."

Chatot smiled. "Don't worry, there is also a payment plan included in the envelope to help you. To be honest, the only reason we allowed your Guildmaster to cover your expenses on this mission was to ensure a timely repayment of your debts to the Federation."

Torchic whispered into my ear. "I'm glad these Pokemon have never heard of compound interest."

“But enough about that,” said Chatot. “You’ve been assigned a rift in the Shimmering Desert. Lapras will take you up the coast, but your team will need to travel the rest of the way to the dungeon on foot. Our dungeon surveyors also think the rift is somewhere underneath the sand, so bring a shovel. Is there anything else, Alakazam?”

I stuffed the envelope into my bag. Cyndaquil and Alakazam were still engaged in their staring contest. Beads of sweat covered Alakazam’s brow. Cyndaquil was drooling.

Chatot prodded Alakazam. “Sir?

Alakazam was startled. “Huh? Oh, I believe you covered everything, Chatot. You four are dismissed.”

I grabbed Cyndaquil by the arm and dragged him out of the office. The Guildmaster followed us out.

"Sorry about that," said the Guildmaster. “This is all a bit out of my hands.”

Cyndaquil wiped the drool from his face with the back of a hand. “I just wish Chatot didn’t interrupt us. The mind breaking was just getting good.”

“Can you focus?” I asked. “We have a job to do.”

“I’m focused. Just feeling a little blue balled, is all.”

I looked at the Guildmaster. “Is there something you wanted, sir?”

Meowstic shrugged. “I’m not allowed to help in any of the Federation missions, but if you four were to find some useful supplies in the guild storeroom, I could hardly be blamed for that.” He winked at me before re-entering his office.

We walked downstairs and into the storeroom. There was a saddle with matching saddlebags sitting by the door. My name was embroidered on one of the saddlebags. There was also a pair of shovels leaning against the wall.

Cyndaquil picked up the saddlebags and held them up to me. “Looks like it’ll fit.”

“What, no pervy remark?” I asked.

Cyndaquil took my bag and slipped the saddle onto my back. “Nah. Torchic’ll be the one riding your ass, not me.” He fastened the saddle strap across my chest before looking through the saddlebags. “It’s mostly water, and some other junk.”

“It isn’t junk.” I said. “If the Guildmaster packed it, it’s gotta be useful. Grab your backpack and meet us in the lobby.”

Totodile picked up the shovels. “I wonder what we’ll find in the desert!”

“Sand, and a whole lotta nothing,” said Torchic.

Cyndaquil went back to our room to fetch his share of the supplies. When he came back, I pushed open the front door to the guild. We threaded our way through the Pokemon walking through the streets of Capim town. We found Lapras waiting in the water near one of the dock’s many piers.

Cyndaquil’s eyes widened. “Wait, we get to ride on Lapras?”

Torchic rolled her eyes. “Don’t even start. She’s at least four times your size. Big enough to crush you underneath her.”

“Well, yeah,” said Cyndaquil. “That’s why it’s hot!”

“We need her to give us a ride, so do us all a favor,” I said, “and don’t hit on her until we get back to town.”

“That’s true,” said Cyndaquil. “She’ll be more receptive to a returning hero.”

I approached Lapras, tickets in trunk.

“Ah,” said Lapras, “you four must be Team Misfits.”

“I prefer being called Team OnlyPhans,” said Cyndaquil.

Lapras opened a bag tied around her neck with a flipper. “Whatever your name is, put your tickets in here and hop on. It should be a short trip.”

…

Lapras ran aground on a sandy beach. As the four of us disembarked, Lapras used her flippers to turn herself around. She prepared to push herself back into the ocean. “I’ll be back here tomorrow morning to pick you four up. Chatot instructed me to assume the worst if you’re late.” Lapras swam out into the ocean, and we looked at each other.

“I feel like we’re being set up to fail,” I said.

Cyndaquil pulled out the map Chatot gave us and groaned. “I can already hear that smug bird taunting us.”

Cyndaquil set the map down in the sand so we could all get a look at it. The map was a very detailed recreation of the area surrounding Shimmer Desert. Unfortunately for us that meant that it was a faithful depiction of empty desert. The edges of the map stopped before reaching the coastline or any of the biomes adjacent to the two large deserts that covered the northwestern end of the Grass Continent. Besides an oasis near the center of the map there were no landmarks to help orient ourselves.

“You guys any good at geography?” asked Cyndaquil.

Totodile nodded. “We should just wander down south!”

“Come on,” I said, “there’s gotta be a smarter way to handle this.”

Torchic stared at the map. “Not really. This map is worthless. The coast is along the northern edge of the desert, so we can try and head south and east to find that oasis.”

Cyndaquil rolled up the map and stuck it in his backpack. “Then, friends, I think our course is set!”

We oriented ourselves in a vaguely southeasterly direction and began walking.

“God, this is gonna suck,” I said.

Totodile opened a bottle of whisky and shoved it in front of my face. “Don’t worry Phanpy, at least I brought plenty of drinks to keep our spirits high!”

I resisted the urge to drink away my worries. “That sounds like a good way to die of dehydration.”

Totodile shrugged. “More for me!”

Without the cool ocean breeze, the heat of the sun quickly asserted itself. Despite the heat, I found something about walking on the hot sand soothing. Cyndaquil and Torchic seemed not to mind the heat, but Totodile was already looking exhausted. He dragged his tail through the sand behind him. After less than an hour of walking, Totodile asked for a break.

Torchic hopped off my back as I sat down in the sand, resisting the sudden urge to bury myself in the stuff. I pulled a bottle of water out of my saddlebags and handed it to Totodile.

He took small sips, trying to conserve our water. “Thanks.”

I sighed. “At least you aren’t getting as wasted as you usually do on our missions.”

Totodile nodded. “I’m being cautious. What if we’re late to the rendezvous with Lapras, and we have to walk back to Capim Town? We might run out of booze!”

“That’s not…”

Totodile chased his water with a shot of whisky.

“Hey,” said Cyndaquil, “Can I get some of that?”

I gave in to instinct and buried my face in the sand. “Let me know when you guys are ready to move on,” I muttered.

Torchic pinched one of my ears. “Water.”

I rummaged around for another bottle of water with my trunk, not bothering to lift my head. Someone took the bottle from me.

“Thanks Cyndaquil,” said Torchic.

Cyndaquil took the water bottle from Totodile and stuck both bottles in my bag. “Alright Phanpy, you can get up now. We’re all set.”

I pushed myself out of the sand. The rest of my team was walking off into the desert without me. I sprinted to catch up with them.

Cyndaquil pointed to a stone building jutting out of the ground. It looked like some kind of monument or temple, consisting of a stone cylinder topped with a dome roof. “You guys see that thing?”

“Think it’s the rift?” I asked.

“Only one way to find out.”

We found the building to be much smaller than we expected, only rising a dozen feet into the air.

“Why’s it so small?” asked Torchic. “Shouldn’t it be big, to honor the gods?”

“To be fair,” I said, “for someone our height it’s a pretty normal size.”

Cyndaquil snickered.

I looked at him. “What’s so funny?”

“I’m just imagining this conversation playing out in the bedroom.”

I scooped up some sand and threw it in Cyndaquil’s face.

Cyndaquil clawed at his face. “Come on! My eyes were wide open!”

“They can open?” said Torchic.

I began walking around the perimeter of the building, looking for an entrance. All I found was smooth orange-yellow walls.

Torchic appeared next to me. “Phanpy, try throwing me up to the roof. I think there’s a ledge at the bottom of the dome.”

Without any better ideas, I wrapped my trunk around Torchic and hurled her into the air. She hit the side of the building.

“Pretty close,” said Cyndaquil, “you almost got her right on top of the dome.”

“Guys!” shouted Torchic. “It was a bit hard to see, but I think there’s an opening at the top of the dome!”

I grabbed Cyndaquil. “Maybe I’ll do better this time.”

Cyndaquil slammed into the dome and slid down next to Torchic.

“Alright, do me now!” said Totodile.

I sent Totodile up to join the rest of our team.

I watched the three of them form a Pokemon tower to get a look at the top of the dome.

“Yeah!” said Torchic. “We can definitely go in through the top!”

“None of us can reach the top,” I said.

“I do have Phanpy’s bag,” said Cyndaquil. He took out one of my emergency blast seeds. “It’s not like the building will collapse if we blow a hole in the dome.”

Torchic sighed. “I wish you suggested that before we all got up here.”

“It’ll be fine. You two get to the other side of the dome. Phanpy! Get ready to catch me!”
Totodile moved as fast as he could along the rim of the dome while carrying Torchic. Cyndaquil set the seed down and inched a few feet away. Cyndaquil gave me a countdown, then he spit a fireball at the seed. I watched him fly off at an angle, away from me. He landed somewhere in the sand.

Cyndaquil got up and brushed himself off. “Come on, you were supposed to catch me!”

“Then try falling towards me next time,” I said.

“Fine. Next time I’ll be the catcher.”

“I’m not pitching.”

“You sure?” Cyndaquil gestured towards the newly created entrance in the side of the dome. “I’m an expert in tight holes.”

Torchic and Totodile had made their way back towards our side of the building and were peering through the entrance.

“Looks like we’ll fit!” called Totodile.

“Send Cyndaquil back up here!” said Torchic.

I wrapped my trunk around Cyndaquil’s waist and obliged. When Cyndaquil found his footing on the edge of the dome, I walked closer to the building.

“So how do I get up there?” I asked.

Cyndaquil reached into his bag and pulled out a length of rope. He tossed one end down to me. I grabbed it and looked up to see him and Totodile nervously holding the other end.

“I’m not that heavy,” I said.

The two exchanged a look, then started pulling. After minutes of slow, excruciating progress, they managed to lift me close enough to the top. I reached for the ledge with my front legs and helped raise myself the rest of the way up.

Cyndaquil put a hand on the wall and panted. “You should stop spending so much time behind a desk. As much as I enjoy a plush rear, I don’t enjoy having to lift it.”

“Well, next you get to lower it,” said Torchic. “We still need to get down. We can jump, but someone needs to be down there to make sure we don’t break our necks. I think that job has to go to Phanpy.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “This time, I’ll catch you.

…

Cyndaquil and Totodile laid down on the floor as soon as I set them down, refusing to get back up. The interior of the temple was much bigger than it had appeared from the surface, and the two had dropped me while I was still a few feet above the floor. Cyndaquil endlessly complained about throwing out his back. Totodile laid prone, nursing a bottle. I walked over to where Cyndaquil rested and rolled him onto his stomach, so the flames on his back could illuminate the room. I still wasn’t used to how he could control the temperature of his flames to avoid burning us.

We were in a large rectangular chamber. Pillars stood in a ring where the dome met the rest of the ceiling, holding the building up against the weight of the desert above us. The dome we entered through formed the center of the roof. Flecks of metallic paint from a long since obliterated painting sparkled from the inside of the dome. Carvings covered the walls, but it was hard to determine what they were from where we stood.

I watched grains of sand float down from the ceiling. “The building must be mostly buried underneath the sand,” I said.

Torchic nodded. “I guess you were right. It’s a grower, not a shower.”

“Please don’t. One pervert is more than enough.”

“I couldn’t resist,” said Torchic. “You left yourself wide open.”

After several shots, Totodile had recovered enough of his pep to stand up again. “This’ll be fun! It’ll be like being Indiana Jones!”

I helped Cyndaquil to his feet. We walked around the perimeter of the room, examining the wall carvings. The recurring themes in the carvings appeared to be eggs, and raucous sex.

“I’m surprised, Cyndaquil,” said Torchic. “This must be a temple to a fertility deity. Normally you’d be gushing over this kind of thing.”

“Come on,” said Cyndaquil, “I’m not some uncultured swine! These aren’t smutty pictures, these are works of art! A part of our cultural heritage! Was Michelangelo’s statue of David porn because you could see his dick? No!”

Torchic rolled her eyes. “You don’t need to be so dramatic.”

As soon as her back was turned, I watched Cyndaquil take a piece of paper and charcoal out of his bag. He began making rubbings of the lewder engravings, muttering something about refilling his ‘fap folder.’

I sighed. “What was even the point of that? It’s not like we’d think any differently of you.”

“Shush,” said Cyndaquil. “It’s the principle of the matter. Don’t show chicks what you masturbate to. We’re bros, so it’s fine if you see.”

“Phanpy! Cyndaquil!” shouted Totodile from somewhere down a hallway. “Come check this out!”

At the end of the hall, I saw Torchic and Totodile standing in front of some kind of altar. Torchic was holding her beak open, trying to maintain a small ball of fire inside her mouth. When Cyndaquil got close enough to provide illumination, Torchic shut her beak and winced. “It’s like trying to hold a mouthful of hot sauce,” she muttered.

In the center of the altar was a small golden statuette of Mew. Its sapphire eyes twinkled in Cyndaquil’s fire. Cyndaquil reached for the statue.

“Wait!” said Totodile. “What if it’s booby trapped?”

“We’re in a temple,” said Torchic. “Why would anyone trap their place of worship?”

“We should do the ol’ switcheroo,” said Cyndaquil. “Does anyone have a rock? If it’s trapped, it’s gotta be a pressure plate.”

I walked up to the statue and picked it up. It had a decent amount of heft to it. I knew nothing about precious metals, but I assumed that meant it was mostly gold. I stuck it in one of my saddlebags.

Totodile ducked, holding his hands over his head. When no boulders dropped from the ceiling to crush us, he straightened up. “I guess it’s safe?” he wondered aloud.

“Obviously,” said Torchic.

“I think caution is warranted,” said Cyndaquil. “What if it shot poison arrows out at us?

I looked around the altar room. It was a small room that consisted of the same orange rock as the rest of the building. Cynaquil’s fire wasn’t bright enough to illuminate every inch of the room. In one of the dark corners a pair of red eyes stared at us from behind a pillar. When I made eye contact with it, a smile displaying a set of sharp white teeth joined it.

I directed my teammates' attention to the face. "Bets on which ghost Pokemon it is?" I asked.

"All in on Gengar!" said Totodile.

"I'm hoping it's a cute Banette," said Cyndaquil.

"It can't be a Banette," said Torchic. "There's no zipper on the smile."

"Maybe she's just hiding it!"

I shook my head. "What would be the point in that? I agree with Totodile, it's gotta be a Gengar."

A Cofagrigus emerged from the shadows, waving his four arms through the air. "No! It was me, Cofagrigus! Return what you have stolen from this holy shrine!"

"That's unfair!" said Cyndaquil. "Nothing about this place is Egyptian themed!"

Torchic nodded. "How cliche is it to have Egyptian ruins out in the desert?"

"Honestly," I said, "I would have been disappointed if we found some big pyramid or something."

Cofagrigus put his arms down. "I don't know what 'Egyptian' is. Aren't you four scared?"

Totodile shrugged. "You were a lot cooler when we didn't know what you were."

"Hey man," said Cofagrigus, "are you trying to make this some kind of racial thing? I told you, I'm not Egyptian!"

"Sorry," I said. "This is our first ghost sighting, so we're not sure how to react."

"Most Pokemon run screaming. How hard is that to do? Return the statue and get out of here, or suffer the consequences!"

"In a second," said Cyndaquil. "But first, I've been wondering, how do ghost Pokemon reproduce? Wouldn't you guys just phase through each other?"

"Well, if you must know,” said Cofagrigus, “it's actually pretty interesting. We have a complex series of mating rituals, but actually 'doing the deed' require-" Cofagrigus stopped. "You wouldn't be trying to distract me so your friends could abscond with the treasure, would you?"

"No," I said. "He's just like this. Can we get a group huddle?"

Cofagrigus thought for a moment before replying. "I guess so. It's not like I have anywhere else to be for the rest of eternity."

The four of us formed a tight circle.

"I think we should just leave the statue," I whispered.

"What? No!" said Torchic. "It's probably worth a fortune! We can pay off our fine!"

"Wait, what fine?" asked Cyndaquil. "Even if it's large, we can just take some jobs and pay it off."

"While you and Alakazam were psychically jerking each other off, Chatot fined us for the Apple Woods debacle. Phanpy, how long would it take us to work off the fine?"

I pulled out one of the papers Chatot gave us. "The Federation's payment plan is for over five years." I did some quick mental math. "It also doesn't account for any of our supply costs. I give it three months before we miss a payment."

"See?" said Torchic. "We're taking the statue."

"Won't Cofagrigus be mad?" said Totodile.

"He seems pretty reasonable," said Cyndaquil. "Maybe we can negotiate."

"What if he won't give it up?" I said.

"We kick his ass!" said Totodile.

"How?"

"He’s probably stronger than all of us combined," said Torchic. “We’ll just run.”

We broke our huddle.

Torchic took the lead. "Could we trade for the statue?"

"Oh, sure," said Cofagrigus. "Do you happen to have an artifact blessed by Mew with you?"

"Lemme check!" Totodile began rifling through my saddlebags.

I stopped Totodile. "Isn't there a human who turned into a Mew at the guild? We could get her to bless something for you."

"She is pretty cute," said Cyndaquil. "Want her number? I've been trying to get it for weeks, so if I figure it out, I'll give it to you!"

"Why would she have a number? There’s only one Mew!" said Cofagrigus. "And in any case, even if I believed you, a mere mortal wouldn't have the power to create something like that statue."

"You could come with us and see for yourself,” I said.

“Maybe you two could become friends!” said Totodile.

“I see where this is going,” said Cofagrigus. “I’m not selling you the statue, I’m not going with you, and I’m not becoming your friend!”

Cyndaquil approached Cofagrigus.“If we can’t be friends,” said Cyndaquil, “maybe we can become lovers! It must get awfully lonely down here…” Cyndaquil reached out a hand to stroke Cofagrigus.

“I’m flattered, but it’d be unprofessional for someone like me to date a temple robber.”

“You’re shockingly polite,” I said. “If I were you, I would have already killed us.”

“You four are the first Pokemon I’ve seen in years,” said Cofagrigus, “and one of the few robbers willing to talk to me.”

“That’s great and all,” said Torchic, “but I think we’re at an impasse here.”

Cyndaquil reached into my bag. “And there’s only one solution.” Cyndaquil threw a blast seed into Cofagrigus’ face.

The four of us ran back towards the large room we entered the temple from. I looked up at the ceiling. We had forgotten to leave an exit rope.

“Guys,” I said. “I think we’re too dumb to be explorers.”

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up as a black ball of energy whizzed past us.

“Scatter!” shouted Totodile.

I picked up Torchic and set her on my back before taking cover behind a stone pillar.

"I tried to be nice," said Cofagrigus, "but I will kill you if I have to."

Torchic and I leaned around the pillar to get a look at Cofagrigus. He was standing in the entrance to the room, a dark orb floating above one of his hands. Torchic launched a fireball towards him. We ducked back behind the pillar before a shadow ball slammed into our cover. An explosion shook the temple. Cyndaquil must have thrown another blast seed. I could hear Cofagrigus shouting in pain and anger, turning his focus away from us.

Totodile waved to us from the other side of the room. I watched him make a series of gestures.

I whispered to Torchic. “What is he trying to say?”

Totodile held up an open hand. He slowly started putting fingers down, one by one.

“Looks like a countdown to whatever he wants us to do,” said Torchic. “I say we leap out and shoot some more fire at Cofagrigus.”

When Totodile put his last finger down, I jumped out into the open to give Torchic a clear line of sight. Cofagrigus spun around and tried to shield himself from the onslaught of fireballs. with his four arms. Cyndaquil took the chance to run. I spotted large holes in the stone pillar he was hiding behind, presumably caused by Cofagrigus’ attacks. The pillar seemed like it was about to collapse.

Totodile fired a jet of water into Cofagrigus’ back. It caught the ghost by surprise. Cofagrigus landed on the floor. Totodile charged forwards, bottle in hand. He smashed the bottle against Cofagrigus. The coffin flipped itself over and attacked Totodile. One of Cofagrigus’ claws raked Totodile’s face, trailing black smoke behind it.. Totodile stumbled backwards.

Torchic spat another fireball while Cofagrigus was still getting to his feet. A second later, I threw myself to the ground to avoid another shadow ball. Torchic couldn’t get out of the saddle fast enough, and the ball slammed into her side. She was launched off of my back. My trunk wrapped around one of Torchic’s legs. I dragged her behind the damaged pillar Cyndaquil was just hiding behind.

I heard Cofagrigus call out to me from the other side of the pillar. “Look, just give me the statue and I’ll let bygones be bygones! We don’t have to fight!”

I turned my back to the pillar, then bucked my hind legs like a horse. I heard the stone crack but it didn’t give. Pain shot through my legs. I bit my tongue and kicked again. This time I felt the pillar shift. I turned around and watched as the pillar toppled over and crashed into Cofagrigus.

The temple was filled with the sounds of the creaking and groaning stone. I could already see cracks forming in the roof of the temple. Sand leaked through, like a ship that was sinking to the bottom of the ocean.

Cyndaquil shouted over the noise. “I think that’s our cue to skedaddle!”

“We didn’t leave a rope out!” I yelled.

Cyndaquil took out another blast seed. “We’ll just have to make an exit ramp!” He threw the blast seed at a pillar.

I set the injured Torchic on my back and ran over to Cyndaquil. Totodile joined us at the pillar. The blast seed did a much better job at weakening the pillar than Cofagrigus’ shadow balls. I kicked the support structure down. It tipped over, leaning on one of its neighbors to form a ramp. Cyndaquil went to the other side of the room and flung a blast seed at the dome above our improvised ramp. It punched another hole in the dome, one that was within jumping distance of our ramp. We shimmied up the pillar and pulled ourselves up and onto the roof.

Once we made it to the roof we leapt off one by one, landing in the sand. We put as much distance between us and the temple as possible before turning around.

I watched as the underground structure collapsed in a great cloud of sand. Some of the support pillars survived, jutting out of the newly created sinkhole. Fragments of stone from the roof and walls of the temple littered the bottom of the pit. There was no sign of Cofagrigus.

…

Cyndaquil wrapped an oran berry in bandages and squeezed. The white rags quickly soaked up the healing juices, turning a light blue.

“It’s weird,” said Cyndaquil, “that we’re all still alive after all of our missions.”

I opened a bottle of water and poured it on Torchic’s side. I did my best to wipe any sand out of her wounds before moving on to Totodile. The gashes in his cheek looked deep. I did what I could with a bottle of water and without hands.

“Hopefully we get better with experience,” I said.

“I just wish we could tell Chatot about this,” said Torchic, “Imagine the look on his face!” She started imitating Chatot’s grating tone. “We’re sending you four out to the desert so you don’t break anything important!”

Cyndaquil handed Totodile some of the berry juice-soaked bandages. Cyndaquil took the rest and started wrapping the bandages around Torchic.

I drank the rest of the water in the bottle I was holding and checked my bags. “We’re out of water,” I said.

Cyndaquil shrugged. “Just get Totodile to make more.”

Totodile shook his head. “I can’t actually make infinite water. It dehydrates me when I attack.*

Torchic groaned. “We haven’t even made it to the dungeon, let alone the rift!”

Cyndaquil finished with the bandages and wiped his hands on his thighs. He walked over to me and looked through my saddlebags. “There’s gotta be something in here we can use.” Cyndaquil pulled out a Y-shaped branch. A blue stone dangled from the stem of the Y.

“A dowsing rod?” I asked.

“Maybe we can find something,” said Cyndaquil.

I grabbed the stone and inspected it. The gemstone was dark blue and cut into the shape of an arrowhead. Small spherical inclusions gave the appearance of air bubbles trapped in water.

“Looks a bit like a water stone,” I said

Cyndaquil waved the dowsing rod around. “I’m not feeling anything.”

“If it’s a water stone,” said Totodile, “maybe it just needs to be wet!”

I spit on the water stone. It suddenly jerked to the right, pulling Cyndaquil with it. Cyndaquil took a few cautious steps in the direction indicated by the dowsing rod. The water stone remained suspended in the air, anchored only by the string connecting it to the dowsing rod.

“Well,” said Torchic, “if we’re going to die in the desert, we may as well spend our last few days following the magic rock.”

Cyndaquil took the lead, following the direction of the water stone dowsing rod. The afternoon sun was unbearable. We trudged through the hot sand for what felt like hours before spotting a handful of trees in the distance. They shimmered in the heat haze of the desert.

“Think they’re real?” asked Torchic.

“There’s an oasis on the map,” I said.

Cyndaquil wiggled the dowsing rod. “My rod’s pointing right at it, so there must be something there.”

“We don’t even know if that works,” said Torchic.

“My rod has never steered me wrong before!”

When we drew closer to the vegetation, we could clearly make out clusters of palm trees standing in the middle of the otherwise empty horizon. The trees ringed small lakes of clear blue water. I filled one of our empty bottles with the lakewater and took a sip. The water was fresh.

“See?” said Cyndaquil. “I was right!”

Totodile hastily took off his bandolier of alcohol and leapt into the lake. He landed with a loud splash. The rest of us washed the desert sand off of ourselves on the lake shore. We hadn’t eaten since before we left to find the rift in Shimmer Desert, so we took the opportunity to rest and eat.

I went through my saddlebags and refilled our water supplies. “Cyndaquil, where are we on the map?”

Cyndaquil unrolled our map. To keep the map from rolling back up, he held one end down with a compass and the other with an empty whisky bottle. “We made it to the one landmark Chatot gave us. Luckily for us, we’re a bit south of Shimmer Desert. We can go straight north through the dungeon and back to the coast. From there, it should be easy to find the beach Lapras is meeting us at.”

“Can we do an inventory?” asked Torchic. “We should get an idea of everything we have before we have to fight through the dungeon.”

Cyndaquil went through his bags. “We’ve burned through Phanpy’s stash of blast seeds. All I’ve got left are berries and apples. Oh, and some water too.”

I rifled through my saddlebags. Most of the space was taken up by water bottles, but I found a glass sphere tucked at the bottom of one of the bags. I took it out and set it in the sand. The glass was crystal clear, but some blue light sparkled from inside. Someone had painted a warning onto the orb. It read: ‘SLEEP ORB. CAUTION! DO NOT INHALE FUMES.’

“Fumes?” asked Cyndaquil.

“Sleeping gas, I guess,” said Torchic.

Totodile swam back to shore to join us. He seemed much more cheerful now that he had had the chance to rehydrate himself. I rolled my eyes as Totodile opened a new bottle of alcohol and began chugging.

Totodile recorked the whisky bottle with a contented sigh. “That hit the spot. Are we going to the rift next?”

Torchic nodded. “We might actually finish the mission now.”

After we finished our meal we repacked our bags and set out into the desert. We followed our compass towards Shimmer Desert. It was hard to tell precisely when we entered the dungeon, but soon we could see the hazy figures of dungeon Pokemon around us. Directly ahead of us, dark clouds swirled in the sky. The sand underneath our feet gradually transformed into soft dirt as we approached the storm on the horizon, doing our best to avoid getting close to any of the wild Pokemon.

We stopped before we entered the storm clouds. There was a sharp divide between where the storm started and ended. A few feet in front of us a barrage of hail obscured our vision.

“Looks like anomalous weather to me,” I said.

“Before we go on,” said Torchic, “we should adjust our scarves. Cover our nose and mouth.”

“Why?”

“If we need to use that orb. Hopefully we won’t inhale too much of the gas.”

Cyndaquil shrugged and redid his own scarf before helping me and Torchic with ours. It took a few tries to keep the scarf attached to the end of my trunk. When we were ready, we walked into the hail storm. Chunks of ice pelted us, leaving welts. The hail quickly melted when it struck the warm soil, turning the ground to mud. A Sandshrew ran past us, its arms over its head in an attempt to protect itself from the hail.

“I think that Sandshrew has the right idea,” said Cyndquil. “Let’s just book it to the rift and get out of here.”

“I don’t know,” said Totodile, “I think this is better than the desert.”

“Not all of us were turned into water Pokemon,” said Torchic.

Totodile suddenly broke into a sprint. “Fine!” he called over his shoulder. “I’ll race you guys to the rift!”

I set Torchic on my back and followed after him. The mud sucked at my feet and the hail continued to rain down on us. I cursed as I stumbled through the difficult terrain. “How is he so fast?”

“Well, he is a crocodile,” said Torchic. “It must come naturally to him.”

“If he gets too far ahead of us, he might wind up fighting the dungeon Pokemon by himself.”

“He’ll be fine. They seem to be focused on avoiding the hailstorm”

We found Totodile standing at another sudden change in the weather. There was a circular gap in the layer of storm clouds, like the eye of a hurricane. Wild Pokemon were everywhere, taking shelter from the storm. Somewhere near the center of the eye a giant Magikarp flopped on the ground. The fish was the size of a building.

I reached into my bag for the sleep orb. “Guess there’s only one way through,” I said.

“Can we rest for a minute?” said Cyndaquil. He was out of breath from our sprint through the hail storm. “I’m not in good enough shape for this kind of stuff.”

“How?” asked Torchic. “We’ve been an exploration team for weeks at this point. You’ve had plenty of cardio.”

“A lifetime of video games and anime,” said Cyndaquil.

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah. You were the one guy unlucky enough to get a Pokemon body as out of shape as your human one.”

I ignored Cyndaquil’s complaints and looked in my bags for the orb. I gave it to Totodile. He threw the orb as far as he could. It shattered when it hit the ground, releasing a dense green smoke. As the smoke twisted through the air, the Pokemon enveloped by the cloud yawned and laid down.

“We’ll have to be fast,” I said, “ and find the rift before they wake up.”

We carefully picked our way between the sleeping Pokemon towards the Magikarp. The Pokemon ranged from those native to Shimmer Desert, bug Pokemon from the neighboring Mystifying Forest, and Pokemon from the other side of the continent. I spotted at least one Glalie amongst the sleeping Pokemon.

The scarves seemed to provide sufficient protection against the effects of the orb. It did little to protect us from the smell of fish emanating from the Magikarp.

I gagged at the oppressive stench. “Of all the Pokemon to encounter.”

“Could be worse,” said Cyndquil. “It could be something that could fight back.”

We scoured the ground around the Magikarp, looking for anything that could indicate the presence of the rift.

“Looks like Chatot was right,” I said. “It must be underground.”

Totodile took out the shovels that were strapped to his back and gave one to me. We began the process of digging a hole towards the rift. Our shovels sank easily into the earth. Before too long the two of us managed to dig a ditch that, when Totodile stood upright, left the surface roughly level with his head.

Torchic hopped into the ditch. “Any chance you two can speed that up?”

“We’re digging as fast as we can,” I said.

Cyndaquil joined us in the trench. “The sleeping gas is gone. Everyone’s starting to wake up.”

There was a hissing sound. We looked up and found an Arbok staring back at us. Torchic and Totodile immediately opened fire. The Arbok fell down into the trench with us, hissing and flailing. I bashed it with my shovel. When its movements ceased, Cyndaquil and Totodile worked together to toss it out of our ditch.

“I’ll keep digging,” I said. “You three hold the line.”

Totodile nodded and popped his head above ground. He began firing jets of water at the approaching Pokemon. Cyndaquil picked Torchic up and held her over his head so she could see over the top of the trench. While they fought, I redoubled my digging efforts. We only had one bottle of sealant, so we had to make sure we were close enough to the rift.

“Any luck?” shouted Torchic.

I threw another shovelful of dirt out of the trench. “Nothing yet!”

Cyndaquil set Torchic down. He pulled a bottle of water out of his bag and poured it over Torchic’s beak to cool her off.

“Well hurry up,” said Cyndaquil. “We can’t hold this position forever.”

My shovel clanged against metal. I worked to unearth the object I hit. I discovered the back half of a bright red mid-life crisis convertible. The license plate informed me that the owner was a ‘H4RTBRKR.’ I pulled out the bottle of rift sealant and set it on the ground. After some effort, the cap came off with a pop. While I waited for the sealant to work, I looked back at the car. I decided not to leave without a souvenir.

I dug my way towards the front of the car and opened the glove compartment. I found a screwdriver, a toupe, and a box of unopened condoms. I checked on the bottle of sealant. The cap was green. I recapped the bottle and stuck it in my saddlebags. Working quickly with the screwdriver, I freed the license plate and stowed it with the bottle.

“All set!” I shouted to my teammates.

Totodile smashed a bottle against the ground. He waved the broken glass in the air. “Over the top, men!”

Torchic let loose another flurry of fireballs to beat back the dungeon Pokemon. We then scrambled out of the trench. Cyndaquil set Torchic on my back and we charged forwards. I swung my shovel wildly. We pushed our way out of the eye of the storm. The Pokemon broke off their pursuit as soon as we were back underneath the hail.

“So we did it?” asked Totodile.

I nodded and showed the cap to the rest of the team. “Mission success. Somehow.”

…

I jumped off of Lapras’ back and landed on one of Capim Town’s many docks. “It was only one day,” I said, “but that felt like the longest mission of my life.”

Torchic carefully gauged the distance between Lapras and the wooden dock before jumping. Our other two teammates joined us on the pier.

“Now that we’re back,” said Totodile, “we should celebrate with drinks!”

Torchic nodded in agreement. “We did pretty well, all things considered.”

Cyndaquil turned to Lapras and smiled. “Why don't you join us? If things go well, maybe I can lap at something for ya, Lapras.”

“Oh my,” said Lapras. “Quite the charmer, aren’t you?” She gestured at herself with her fins. “Are you sure you could handle all of this?”

Cyndaquil’s smile faltered. “O-of course!”

“So confident, too.” Lapras traced a flipper under Cyndaquil’s chin.

Cyndaquil broke. His face was bright red. He opened his mouth but the words wouldn’t come out. There was a faint smell of spaghetti in the air. It reminded me of my mom’s cooking.

Lapras drew back her flipper and laughed. “I’m only teasing. You four have a good day!” She pushed herself away from the dock and swam back out to sea.

“Well,” said Torchic, "guess that's what happens when the dog catches the car."

Cyndaquil stared out over the ocean, at a loss for words.

I took out the license plate I took from the convertible. “If it makes you feel any better,” I said, “I got you a souvenir from the dungeon. I figured you’d like it”

Cyndaquil, face still red, picked up the vanity plate. “T-thanks. Just give me a second. My heart’s still going a mile a minute.”

Torchic nudged me. “Are we getting drinks or not?”

I shook my head. “We still have stuff to do. We have to report to Alakazam and the Guildmaster, plus we need to find someone to buy that Mew statue.”

“Reporting back should only take, what, five minutes? And it’ll take at least a few days to find someone to pawn that statue off on. They need to be rich enough to spend a fortune on a single statue.”

Cyndaquil cleared his throat. “I’ll go report to the Guildmaster. I’ll meet you guys at the bar.”

I handed Cyndaquil the empty bottle of rift sealant. “Fine. But if they ask, we didn’t find anything in the desert besides the dungeon.”

Cyndaquil nodded, then shuffled off towards the guild.

Once I lost sight of him, I remembered something. “Wait,” I said, “Can’t Alakazam read minds? He might realize we destroyed that temple.”

“Don’t worry about it,” said Torchic. “Reading Cyndaquil’s mind is the kind of mistake you only make once.”

Totodile pushed between me and Torchic. He wrapped an arm around each of us. “Then let's get to the bar already! We should celebrate a job well done!”

I sighed. “Fine. We can hit the bar.”