Parodies/variations of the Navy Seal copypasta:

Minimalist: “I’m navy seal. I have 300 kills. You’re dead, kid.”

Barney: “What did you say about me? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Imagination Corps, & I’ve been entertaining children around the world since the late 1980s, & I have over 300 confirmed great big hugs. I am trained in teaching life’s lessons & I’m the most loveable dinosaur in the world. You are nothing to me but just another meanie who disrespects me & my friends. I will teach you how to be a friend using methods the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my words. You think you can get away with making fun of me over the worldwide web? Think again. As we speak I am contacting my network of friends across the world & your street address is being traced right now so you better prepare for the great big hug & a kiss from me to you. The great big hug that allows me to talk you out of your bad mood, & also allows me to teach you some of life’s greatest lessons. You’ll be out of that bad mood soon, mister. I can be anywhere, anytime, & I can help you use your imagination in over seven hundred ways, & that’s just without Baby Bop & BJ. Not only am I extensively trained in providing a Super-Dee-Duper time for all, but I have access to the Barney Bag & I will use it to its full extent to make your angry face a happy one again. If only you could have known what reaction your mean-spirited comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have changed your mind & decided to be nice instead. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re gonna need a little bit of help. I will help you out of your problem, & help you learn another one of life’s lessons along the way. You’re in need of a great big hug, mister.”

Redwall, Matthias: “What in the name of Mossflower Woods did you just say about me, you vile rat? I’ll have you know I am the reincarnation of Martin the Warrior, & I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on slavery kingdoms run by vermin, & I have vanquished over 400 rats. I am trained in swordsmanship & a classical style of fighting, & I am the best warrior Redwall Abbey has had in seasons. You are nothing to me but just another evil rat. I will wipe you out with precision & skill the likes of which has never been seen in or around the Abbey, mark my words. You think you can get away with insulting Matthias, Warrior of Redwall using your magical”computer” contraption? Think again, you vile vermin. As we speak me & my friends from Redwall Abbey are on a quest to locate you & a Sparra aerial patrol has been deployed to seek out a way to your location right now, so you better prepare for the storm, rat. The storm that wipes out your villainy & brings out freedom for all. You are dead, you vile monster. I can find you anywhere, anytime, & I can vanquish you in over seven hundred ways, & that’s just with the Sword of Martin. Not only am I extensively trained in fighting with a sword & shield, but I have access to the entire defense arsenal of Redwall Abbey & I will use it to its full extent to vanquish your evil body off the face of the world, you devil. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” statement was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re paying the price, you vile rat. Me & my friends will unleash our fury all over you & you will be vanquished within it. You are dead, you monstrous rat.”

Pirate: “What in Davy Jones’ locker did ye just bark at me, ye scurvy bilgerat? I’ll have ye know I be the meanest cutthroat on the seven seas, & I’ve led numerous raids on fishing villages, & raped over 300 wenches. I be trained in hit-and-run pillaging & be the deadliest with a pistol of all the captains on the high seas. Ye be nothing to me but another source o’ swag. I’ll have yer guts for garters & keel haul ye like never been done before, hear me true. You think ye can hide behind your newfangled computing device? Think twice on that, scallywag. As we parley I be contacting my secret network o’ pirates across the sea & yer port is being tracked right now so ye better prepare for the typhoon, weevil. The kind o’ monsoon that’ll wipe ye off the map. You’re sharkbait, fool. I can sail anywhere, in any waters, & can kill ye in o’er seven hundred ways, & that be just with me hook & fist. Not only do I be top o’ the line with a cutlass, but I have an entire pirate fleet at my beck & call & I’ll damned sure use it all to wipe yer arse off o’ the world, ye dog. If only ye had had the foresight to know what devilish wrath your jibe was about to incur, ye might have belayed the comment. But ye couldn’t, ye didn’t, & now ye’ll pay the ultimate toll, you buffoon. I’ll shit fury all over ye & ye’ll drown in the depths o’ it. You’re fish food now.”4chan hacker: “What the f--- did you just f---ing type about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class at MIT, & I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids with Anonymous, & I have over 300 confirmed DDoSes. I am trained in online trolling & I’m the top hacker in the entire world. You are nothing to me but just another virus host. I will wipe you the f--- out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on the Internet, mark my f---ing words. You think you can get away with typing that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, f---er. As we chat over IRC I am tracing your IP with my damn bare hands so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your computer. You’re f---ing dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, & I can hack into your files in over seven hundred ways, & that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in hacking, but I have access to the entire arsenal of every piece of malware ever created & I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the world wide web, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little”clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your f---ing fingers. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit code all over you & you will drown in it. You’re f---ing dead, kiddo.”

4chan hacker: “What the f--- did you just f---ing type about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class at MIT, & I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids with Anonymous, & I have over 300 confirmed DDoSes. I am trained in online trolling & I’m the top hacker in the entire world. You are nothing to me but just another virus host. I will wipe you the f--- out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on the Internet, mark my f---ing words. You think you can get away with typing that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, f---er. As we chat over IRC I am tracing your IP with my damn bare hands so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your computer. You’re f---ing dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, & I can hack into your files in over seven hundred ways, & that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in hacking, but I have access to the entire arsenal of every piece of malware ever created & I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the world wide web, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little”clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your f---ing fingers. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit code all over you & you will drown in it. You’re f---ing dead, kiddo.”

Old Testament God: “What in the name of Mount Sinai have you just said about me, you ignorant Hebrew? I’ll have you know I am the omnipotent ruler of the entire world, and I have led numerous raids on Egypt, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in smiting my enemies with pestilence and famine, and I can hold my breath for an entire millennium. You are nothing to me but just another bug. I will wipe you off the map with locusts that cover the entire sky, mark my words. You think you can get away with making that statement about me on the Internet? Think again, maggot. As we speak, I am stomping on Egypt with an iron fist, so you better prepare for the apocalypse, bitches. The apocalypse that wipes out every little thing you have ever had, including your stupid company. You’re dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I will stop at nothing to wipe you off the face of the Earth, you little rat. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little ”clever” statement was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have said it differently. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re going to pay the ultimate price, you bastard. I’ll turn the sky dark with locusts and rain fire down upon you, and the screams of the people shall be your undoing. You’re f---ing dead, kiddo.”