"You'll never have that kind of relationship in a world where you're afraid to take the first step because all you see is every negative thing 10 miles down the road."

Before you read this stranger, do keep in mind that this is from my point of view. In his view, he probably thinks it is a friendly gesture of his towards everyone else. I just so happen to romanticise it; maybe. I do not really know as this is my first time feeling this way. Thats it. Also this is not lovemail.

alright.. where do I start?

Around October 17 2024, maybe around the mexico themed classroom event - I can hardly remember.

That's when I first met you, snake lover. I am calling you snake lover because of your rather unique obsession with snakes. (I wont be elaborating further about that. Thats something for another day. ) Let's see, I am gonna admit. We did not become randomly friends out of nowhere. I got recommended by a best friend of mine that you are friendly and kind to others, so I thought to myself "eh, why not make give it a go?" They gave me a few instructions on how to approach you, and so I did snake lover. I made some skeleton cutouts, made some skeleton memes (such as sans, the jellybean skeletons, the skull emoji, etc), then I would purposefully put them next to your table so that you would say "hey, who owns these drawings? they are kind of cool." boom, I would appear, say that I have no clue who the owner of the drawings belong to, but then make some jokes about the drawings. snake lover, you laughed. you told me that the drawings are interesting and that whoever the owner is has an interesting taste in humor. Bingo. a new friend for me, at least during that time I considered you a friend.

of course, as time passes on from that to December we started to grow closer; not by much since I was still thinking whether or not you could be a good asset for my future plans. (spoiler alert, I will throw this way of thinking for snake lover in the future. He will stay even if he is as useless as a pile of leaves on the nearby road. I will somehow put him to use. ) as such, between that timeline me and snake lover were in a group project together with around 5 people. obviously only me and snake lover were actually trying to do something in the group, he was the one who did the powerpoint presentation while I was in charge of the script, like the average known group project we had to present it. surprise, surprise two people went absent, so it was just me, snake lover, and npc. npc did not do anything, just stared at the wall. I do not remember anything after that point because I had stage fright. I was just reading from the power point and script but it still gave me the scare, now the reason why I am gonna state this is because snake lover moved towards me and used his body to block the audience from looking at my face. later, he stated that he understood why I was scared, so snake lover told me that he was always there whenever I needed assistance. I said no. That fucking scared me. I have to admit though, that action really did help. I am not saying that to his face though, lol. I think it was around this point when we started to switch seat arrangements after midterms, snake lover took advantage of that then asked me if it was okay if he sat next to me (I said no, but then laughed then said sure).

January 7 2025 retreat (?)

January 28 2025 Journal apperently said that snake lover was about to call me cute but then stopped. It is funny how in the future, he is not afraid of calling me that anymore.

February 17 2025 our adviser died. I have to state this here because everyone had a sense of negative emotion all around their face except snake lover, I asked him about it because I wanted him to be more vulnerable but all he said was that he did not deserve to cry and that he should save it for others who are more hurt about our adviser's death. I did not like that feeling that he didn't deserve to be sad, though I did not question it further.

April 4 2025 mapeh something something

April 6 2025 Finally accepted the fact I had a crush on him, but I was hoping that it would last for 3 months like with most people's crushes. I was really in denial. this was also when I realized their was rumors about us two dating (spoiler alert, this also made me realize it was an onesided crush.)

April 8 2025 snake lover's birthday woo

April 25 2025 I got friendzoned in this batch party I think thats enough yapping

May 5 2025

October 10 2025 I got rejected uh ok thats enough

(not finished)

caption: even after he said this I still like him

"some notes for me" kind of glad we did not date. Both of us are mentally ill as fuck (especially me) so I do not think the both of us can be together for a long period anyway. Our chemistry together is literally guy who feels nothing x guy who feels everything. (though it used to be the opposite when we first met.) He also has a completely normal family whilst mine pretty much has all of the abuse allegations clearly written on my face. sure he's cute and kind, but I need to follow my logic first. I have to suppress it as I know I am unhealthy for a relationship, and besides I don't need to date right now. Maybe in like 4 years? once I get a stable income of money perhaps? (I am coping, I already have a job) ALSO IM STILL A MINOR SO MAYBE I CAN FIND SOMEONE LIKE SNAKE LOVER WHEN IM AN ADULT. I CAN AND I WILL RAHHAAHDAFHAGAGASKGA

"why do I believe that my attraction to him is one-sided?" currently it is one-sided because snake lover did not realize I had new glasses and blocked me first when I said I did not want to be friends anymore. I think thats enough, though I do I have to say that there was signs when we first met that he liked me first, but I did not realize it until it was too late. As of now however, every time we meet he has to specifically say that we are friends or anything affectionate has to be labeled as "platonic" to him (example: when he said that it is okay for me to text him, he had to add "not being loveydovey" to prevent any mishaps.) I just accepted it lol.

"am I being manipulated/taken advantage of in any way?" I definitely am since my type in men has to be fucking ugly, be direct/genuine, considered weird in the social hierarchy and be interested in a niche topic nobody gives a fuck about, so of course I am. (example shown on below.) snake lover's also worried about my "mental health" when he did not even realize I was absent the entire day last time. I cant believe I am falling in love with him bruh. He's also 100% aware I like him kekw...

"why am not trying to move on or at least break-up the friendship?" two words: favorite person. one disorder: borderline personality disorder. I am too codependent on him ☠☠ , although I did try to break it up but I almost died twice trying to do so, so I am practically stuck unless I get the right medications that I deserve. also snake lover's attached to me too, just not in a romantic way 😟😟 (don't worry, not in a sexual way either. he's so fucking scared of nsfw its funny)

"For random strangers" if you somehow found this by just searching up random rentry urls to hoard or perhaps you have found this by searching up "statefields" then congrats for reading the entire letter. I bet you feel bad because all these emotions, thinking, pain is poured onto a guy who does not feel the same romantic way as I do? Do not feel that way. Love is a choice, and I have accepted that this lingering of love and attachment will stay by force.
I just wanted to preserve these feelings so that, just in case I moved on and found another slow-burn crush. I will remember this rentry. I will remember the agonizing one-sided pain when the feelings continue to grow, as such please do not reclaim this.

A feeling that you have to accept that not all romantic stories in life end up happy.
All roads lead to rome, after all.
Send this to your hb/hg who is obsessed on finding a partner. This will probably change their mind.