Stanford Rewrite
“Hello you’re on the air it’s Sonic Fan Radio with your man with the greatest plan Stanford the Manford the one and only with no competition what’s your name my bro schmo you got five minutes to talk.”
“My name is Chris could I please get a Sonic fact pertaining to-”
“Sorry time's up you snooze you lose and now you’re dead! Anyway Sonic fact of the day Sonic fact of May!”
Various alarms go off in the background before a text-to-speech esc voice blares the words “sonic fact.”
“Did you know that Sonic rapes children?”
The sound of an audience gasping is played coupled by various sounds of an audience clapping.
“That’s your Sonic fact you better remember cause we’re gonna ask you what Sonic does tomorrow alright next guest the lucky guest the one ready to win all the money from the biggest Sonic fan contest alright contestant give me a cool Sonic fact and if it’s not cool that ain’t cool alright you ready?”
“Can you stop taking up all the radio signals you moronic nitwit? For the past hour I have-”
The audience gasp noise is repeated thirteen times over, continuing over even as Stanford speaks.
“You’re too slow you’re too slow man don’t you get that reference that’s an epic Sonic reference for all you epic Sonic fans out there that just love Sonic and everything related to Sonic and not Tails nobody likes Tails if your name is Tails and you’re listening to this BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT! Alright time for a little break we’re gonna play some Sonic music.”
A singular low-quality drum sound can be heard for the next two minutes.
“Okay my epic Sonic fans who know all about Sonic who love Sonic who are Sonic who will be Sonic we’ve got an epic trivia round for you guys it’s gonna contain some real hard-hitters some real hedgehog hitters don’t you get that reference it’s a Sonic reference Sonic is a hedgehog reference reference reference reference it’s a Sonic reference alright first caller what’s the answer?”
“Wh-?”
A buzzer sound is played.
WRONG ANSWER YOU GOT WRONG YOU’RE NOT A REAL SONIC FAN YOU’RE A FAKER YOU’RE LIKE TAILS anyway the answer was B and that contestant is going to be added to the dox list that we read off every hour anyway second question: what does Sonic like to eat? New contestant are you ready to make Stan the Ford the Stanford who is me the Sonic fan the one and only the greatest the one who knows all the one who knows everything Sonic related are you ready to answer this question about what is Sonic’s favorite food?”
“Yes?”
A buzzer sound plays again.
“You’re too slow again do you guys love the epic Sonic references that I’m packing in this show every second do you love them do you love do you love them I know you love them because that’s what real Sonic fans like myself love we love the references to Sonic the man you’ve probably met him before if you’re a real Sonic fan like me anyway we’re gonna do another epic Sonic music break but after that’s over we’re gonna engage in real Sonic fan hours and do some more epic Sonic lottery and trivia you ready for Sonic for Sonic the monic?”