A Lonely loser's Diary

֍ I will make this a silly diary.

AHHHH this looks cozy

do you ever miss something that only exists in your fantasies. often do i find myself yearning for the places i've experienced a glimpse of while daydreaming and stimulating my synesthesia. an imaginary someone i can only reach during those hazy nights, when my longing is strong enough to reach them.

Ironically, the fantasy of this chokehold cradling my throat is the only thing that lets me breathe from this suffocating life. My sweetest desire is to dance with you to our favorite melodies, before we surrender ourselves to the relief of death. I would love nothing more than to share the most freeing moment one could ever experience with whom I adore most. It is something I've painfully yearned for ages, and found most comfort in during my miseries.

Initially I wanted to put some lighthearted wholesome diary entries on here to decorate but what if i just spill my insanity on here? still cutely of course

im officially unable to say anything anymore without the doom telling that this is all over for me and i must migrate into a different space and start under a different persona because im unwanted everywhere

i fear overstaying my welcome. i can never stay in one place for too long. i get exhausted. no person is exempted from my paralyzing fear. the impostor syndrome, insecurities, suffocating need to people please all act up when i'm in the smallest social interactions no matter how close i am with the person. loneliness is more bearable.

there's this weirdly suffocating heartache i feel when i witness people i love get mocked by others. im not sure why, maybe it's because rejection and humiliation is my biggest fear that hurts me more than anything else. so seeing people i love go through that brutally tears my heart, and especially when i can't do anything to stand up for them since im a coward.

Funny how the most effective coping mechanism of mine against loneliness is isolation. It's not supposed to work that way since loneliness means you need to connect more right? But even around people, friends that I interact with, the loneliness doesn't leave. And so it's not a matter of being around people or not to me. Rather, it's the feeling deep down that I'm unwanted and insignificant even when surrounded by many. Which is why staying away from people that only keep triggering that loneliness within me and resort to isolation works more for me. I am not blaming people for my own feelings of inadequacy, I'm well aware it's an issue within me and not really about however others treat me. Though when I'm unable to relieve that loneliness through any form of connection, eliminating the factor that makes me feel like I'm trying to fit in somewhere I'm no longer welcome is the only solution. Trying to stay around only makes me feel worse.

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