Repeat Rewind
By TwoDaysMaybe

The notes echo off the bare walls, reverberating through the great empty space of December Holiday's dorm room
She sits on her bed, one hoof up on one of the many cardboard boxes she never unpacked, the other tapping a gentle rhythm against the vinyl flooring
Her fingers dance a slow, melancholy step across the strings of her old acoustic as she plays the only song she ever plays
It's not the only one she knows, of course
It's just that the others don't matter to her anymore. They're not important.
Not like this one is, anyway.
As she plays, she closes her eyes, drifts through the notes, back towards the past
Towards the scent of peppermint, the sparkling wintergreen, the lilting, clear voice that always sang along to the music she played
Her own voice is rusted with disuse, her throat scratchy and raw, but even so she starts to hum a soft, wordless mumble, weaving it into the song
It cracks on the high notes, squeaks on the low
But even so, a faint smile starts to creep across Dess's face
For a moment, a gentle warmth flickers at the edges of the cold, lonely ache in her chest
And then there's a quiet, almost embarrassed knock on the door, and the moment is gone
The song screeches to a halt, the last note ringing discordant and awkward through the still air
"December? It's me."
The voice on the other side of the door coughs nervously
"Um, Asriel, that is."
Dess sets her guitar gently on the bed, sighs as she rubs the bridge of her snout
"...Hey. What's up?"
"Oh, nothing much. Just... I hadn't seen you in any of the classes we have together for a while. Thought I'd check up on you, see if everything's..."
Okay.
The word sticks in Asriel's craw, makes him gag, blinking furiously
What a stupid thing to say.
It isn't okay. It hasn't been. Not for a very long time.
"See how you're doing."
Dess flops back on the bed, stares up at the moldy popcorn ceiling
"Did my mom put you up to this?"

A long, guilty silence
He is a terrible liar, and the more he tries to avoid lying directly, the more obvious he is
She decides to save him the trouble
"Forget it. I'm fine. Just a little tired."
"...Alright."
For a moment, as he falls silent again, she thinks that's the end of it
She picks up her guitar again as she sits up, runs her fingers along the strings, clears her throat
"So, actually, I was thinking I might go downtown, grab some dinner. Why don't you come along? It'll be my treat."
Dess watches the shadows in the corner of the room, watches them lengthen as the sun sets outside
"I'm not hungry."
"Really."
There's an edge to Asriel's voice, a little quiver of worry, an even smaller note of anger
"When was the last time you ate?"
She doesn't remember
December doesn't get hungry very often these days. Just empty, an emptiness she fills with whatever fast food is cheapest and easiest. In the same way that she is always tired and never sleepy.
"When was the last time you went to class?"
Doesn't remember that either
It wasn't the workload, or the pressure to excel. She didn't care about either
It was the way everyone else looked at her
The whispers.
The pitying glances.
The knowledge that total strangers were gawking at her, gossiping about her, about something they could never understand
Her fingers twitch, and the guitar groans a harsh, off-tune half-strum.
Her breath comes in harsh, ragged gasps
"I mean for God's sake, December, when was the last time you left your room?!"
"I'd tell you, but I don't think you'll like the answer."
There's no humor in December's voice, just weary, gloomy certainty
Asriel leans his head against the door, a little thump sounding down the hallway as his horns butt into the wood
"Dess, I get how you feel. You know I do!"
December grits her teeth
He doesn't. He thinks he does, but he doesn't.
She even understands why he thinks he does. But he doesn't.

"But this isn't... You can't live like this!"
Because Asriel wasn't there. He didn't see what she saw, doesn't know why Noelle and Kris are-
"We have to keep going. For their sake, too. Kris and Noelle wouldn't want us to... They wouldn't want us to just give up. You know that."
She covers her ears, tries to drown out his voice, to fall back into the roaring nothingness inside her head
"We have to move on."
No.
There's nothing to move on from.
Because they're not gone.
Asriel takes a shaky breath, swallows a sob
"...Please, Dess. Please, let's just go have some pizza or take a walk or even just talk, but please, open the door-"
"Told you already. I'm not hungry. I'll see you later, Asriel."
He stands by the door for a few more moments, staring blankly at the sickly green paint
He only leaves once the all-too-familiar notes start up again, muffled by the wood but still enough to make his stomach turn, make tears spring to his eyes
Asriel rubs his face with both hands, pushing his glasses up as he sniffles
And then he leaves, trying to think of how he's going to explain this to Carol
In her room, surrounded by boxes she will never unpack and books she will never read and pictures she can no longer bear to look at, December plays her guitar
Strumming faster and faster, humming louder and louder until the whole room fills with the sound
Because there is nothing else that she wants to hear
She closes her eyes tight, falling into the darkness behind her eyelids
Because there is nothing else that she wants to see
She lets the notes, the strings, the melody bind her memories, carry her back to the days of playing beside the lake as Noelle's voice rang out into the bright autumn sky while Asriel and Kris went on adventures through the undergrowth
Of Dreemurr-Holiday family Christmases, before everything broke apart
Of trying her best to be a good sister, instead of having already failed completely and utterly

And when the song comes to an end, when the last note trails off into silence, she takes just a moment to catch her breath before she starts the song again
Looping once more through her past, dancing along the tune to catch a glimpse of the people she's lost
She plays it through the night, over and over, until her fingerbones ache and her voice turns to a hoarse whisper and a callus on her finger splits open, dribbling blood into her palm
Until, as the sun peeks over the horizon, she finally collapses into a long, dreamless sleep
Resting briefly, reluctantly in the present
Preparing for her next song
Her next dive into the past she misses so dearly.
Her next visit with Noelle.