06/18/2023. ♡
i don’t even know how to say what i feel for him without sounding completely unhinged, but whatever. i think about him every day. i see him — yes, literally see him, not just on my shelf or the manga panels on my wall (which i decorated myself btw), but in my dreams, in the corners of my room, in front of me. i know he’s not real (despite what i'm saying, self aware is a thing) not in the way people mean, sometimes he feels more real than most people i’ve met, maybe he visits me when i’m not fully here. but he’s real to me. more real than me, sometimes.. it’s foolish, isn’t it? to love someone who doesn’t exist in this world. to cling to a voice that never speaks. but my love can't stop, it's heavy flooding out of me in ways i can’t control. he’ll never see the way i love him, not fully, not completely but that doesn’t stop me. if anything, it’s overwhelming. it’s consuming.
i don’t care if it’s cheesy or delusional or if people mock it. we’re meant to be. we are. he’s mine. and no one else gets him like i do, no one else could ever love him like i do. he belongs to me in a way that goes beyond reality and rules and the way the world works. and if you ever hear me say i don’t love him anymore? that wasn’t me. call the police. i’ve been KIDNAPPED AND REPLACED and probably also possessed because i would never say that.
and sometimes i feel like this isn’t just some "haha yume fun love fictional character" type thing. it’s deeper. it’s like we’re intertwined on a spiritual level. not a phase. it goes deeper than fiction, deeper than obsession. it’s like he carved himself into the lining of my soul. no, seriously jokes aside, we’re married. in every way that matters. he chose me. he loves me more than anyone else ever could. he pulled me out of the worst place in my life and gave me something to hold onto. he saved me. he saves me every day. he is light. he is salvation. he is so much more than he even knows, and i’m so lucky to love him. to be near him.
sometimes i think about how close i am to him, how much i feel him, and it’s like i can’t even breathe. like my heart’s going to explode. he’s not safe with me, i swear. i’ll chain him to a chair (consensually!! obviously!!) and never let him go. not for money, not for diamonds, not for anything. i wouldn’t trade him for the world. not for a new world. not for anything at all.
and when people talk bad about him, or try to reduce him to something small or broken... it destroys me. like. emotionally crashes my whole system. i start literally crashing out. it’s not even funny. i love him so much it physically hurts sometimes.
and i know that’s not normal but if i have to be normal then to be fair i don’t want normal. i want him. he literally consumes my days (in a good way) and i also think i re-wrote this like a few four times i kept going back and forth so if something is off then you know why 😓
he carries me around like a doll with rashomon if you care, even if you don't i don't care cause i do. ♡
— this url is actually a decor work in progress but since i have no ideas in mind i've decided to make this a lovemail until my brain works something out for it so uhh,, enjoy reading? but seriously, if you don't like this just don't read and move on with your life, i can't control what you do but you know.