1-FUTURE
"Ooh. Still #89, huh? That stings."
"Says Ms #86!"
"Still 3 spots higher."
The Hero rankings came out, and the bottom 1-F'rs were reviewing their spots. Nothing has changed for them since the last time.
The slimy salamander with the slimy sidekick vented her frustrations.
"Bah! The only reason I'm so low anyway is because of that old Saurus bastard! You know he has it out for me!"
"Pffft, sure he does. He doesn't even do Hero work anymore, after his accident."
"So? His ties run deep! I know he has it out for me!"
"Ugh, give it a rest, Higa."
Her fat and slimy sidekick spoke up.
"Besides, I have it worse than both of you."
A hazmat-suited hand showed the Shark Merchant and Salamander Abomination a phone with a poll on it.
"Can you believe this? My father is getting DESTROYED in the popularity polls. This doesn't bode well for me in 20 years... and this Hero work isn't doing me any favors. I should just quit."
The Slimiest Hero became quite upset at her Slimiest Sidekick.
"QUIT!? You signed the contract! You know the fine-print! You're in this for the long-run!"
"I know, I know..."
Azuma watched as the billboard on her laptop finally scrolled all the way to the Top 10.
"Yep. Fullmetal is still #3, and Cube-chan is still #1. I'm glad at least some people from good ol' Shiketsu are doing good."
Higa chuckled.
"Yeah, the 1-F heroes are doing great. Unlike those 1-D jerks! Can you believe it? Not a single one in the top 90!"
"Hah! At least we're not them."
The Slip-N'-Slideasaurus Agency was an office in a small dingy building, shared with the Beach Day Agency and highest ranked 1-D Student, Flying Force Agency (Ranked 91, Rob cleaned her out in the divorce and her popularity fell).
Right outside the Slip-N'-Slideasaurus Office, Daigo was performing his janitorial duties.
"...Mmmm~... Mmmm~... Moppin' real~ good..."
Slimenuts brought up another article on his phone.
"Woah, they're bringing down the hammer on Hero-Against-Villain Rape. You can get severely penalized for it, and you can't defend yourself with the 'Best Option Available' response anymore. They're calling it the 'Yamata Act'."
Sukeban and the Yeti Hero: Yeti had just finished up dealing with a drunk who was causing trouble around a Washmart.
Sukeban started checking her phone.
"Hey, Kyoko! Top 100 Hero Rankingssssssss came out. Wanna hear the onessssssss we know?"
The giant Yeti merely nodded in response.
"Beach Day at Eighty-Nine, Ssssssssslip-N'-Ssssssssslideasssssssssaurussssssssss and Sssssssssslimenutsssssssssss at Eighty-Sssssssssickssssssss..."
The drunk started whining.
"hic No, don't... don't read off those damn rankings!"
Sukeban ignored him, while the Yeti pushed his face to the ground.
"I'm at Fifty-Two, you're at Fourty-Two..."
"hic Please..."
"Velvet Worm at Twenty, Araken at Nineteen, Bad Touch at Sssssssssseventeen..."
"STOP! hic"
"Fullmetal at Three..."
"NOO!"
The drunk teleported himself from beneath Kyoko and on to the top of the Washmart.
"hic I'M THE GREATEST HERO! NO ONE ELSE BUT ME! I'M NUMBER ONE, I'M NUMBER ONE, DAMMIT!"
Before anyone could react, he fell off the top, and was silent as he landed onto the concrete. Kyoko checked him for identification, but she couldn't find any.
"W-Woah! I-I'll call an ambulence!"
But before she finally began the call, Sukeban paused.
"...Oh, and you ssssssssshould already know who'ssssssssss Number One. Who elsssssssssse?"
Rob Williams, the Velvet Worm, was getting a nipple massage. He just used those bad boys real good, and they were getting sore.
"...It's sickening that you make your sidekicks do that just after we catch a villain."
"You're just jealous."
"More lotion, Mr Worm?"
It was true. Squirting his goo really started to hurt after his nipples got clogged in a showdown with his nemesis. The surgery was a success, but he would never be the same. Didn't slow him down, though. And it was also true that it upset Bad Touch very much.
"I'm just saying that you can at least head to a bathroom."
"Crime doesn't wait for bathroom breaks, my friend. More lotion!"
Velvet Worm's sidekick began to furiously squeez Rob's flabby nipples while applying lotion. Rob sucked soda out of a straw as he laid back in the lawnchair his sidekick carries around for him.
"So, anyway, Kaylee wants me back."
Araken just finished handing over a discombobulated criminal to authorities, and was now joining in the conversation.
"You gonna take her?"
"Nah. That hag keeps smoking. Who would want to date someone with bad habits? I'm just sayin- HEY!"
Rob slapped the face of his sidekick.
"EASY WITH THE MERCHANDISE!... What were we talking about again?"
Bad Touch shook his head.
"Nothing."
Araken got serious all of a sudden. He just heard something through a reciever on his ear.
"Holy shit! There's a villain attack on the other side of town! We gotta go!"
Bad Touch perked up.
"Do you know who?!"
Araken had a grim look.
"Someone we both know quite well."
"B-BOSS! T-THIS WAS NOT PLAN, DA!?"
"Bah, shut it, Suslik! Give me some more ammo and a snack."
"D-Da..."
Runt waved a large gun in the air and spoke through a megaphone over a large crowd of people, while fires burned in the distance. He had a filthy cigar in his mouth.
He was standing on top of the sign of TCPC: Tokyo Clay Processing Central.
"LISTEN HERE! I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE ENOUGH DIRT, BUT IT SURE AIN'T! GET ME A PLANE LOADED WITH 10 TONS OF THAT GOOD STUFF OR THE STAFF AT THIS JOINT GETS IT!"
A team of 7 snipers attempted to shoot Runt dead, but each and every one of the bullets were dodged or landed in the man of dirt instead.
Suslik ignored the attack, and spoke in a whisper to Runt.
"B-Boss?! W-We no fly! W-We don't know how fly plane!"
"That's a problem for future Runt, Suslik. Give me your arm."
"D-Da..."
Runt took a bite out of it.
"munch You got the detonator, right? munch"
"Da... We don't blow up staff, d-da?"
Runt ignored the second part.
"Good. munch Call the guys. Might need an extraction. munch"
"D-Da."
Suslik began speaking frenzied Russian on a phone, while Runt watched the police panick and scurry about.
Then, Runt giggled.
"Hey, Suslik?!"
"D-Da?"
"We have company!"
Suslik watched in as much horror as he could express as the Number 1 Hero, Cube, soared in from the horizon.
Metallic screeching echoed in the horizon as the crowd cheered.
"BRACE FOR IMPACT!"
"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Suslik surrounded Runt as Cube barreled (boxed?) into them at her highest speed, launching them from the sign to the piles of clay below.
Cube regained her bearings, and turned a perfect 180° to face her opponents.
A disoriented Suslik lost his spherical shape, and collapsed into a dirt heap beside the protected Runt. He had some of Suslik in his mouth.
"Ah, munch Cube-chan! You always have to make things so munch difficult for me, don't you?"
Cube merely screeched in response.
"Well, I'm munch afraid I won't be captured today!"
Sticking his hands faster than Cube could react into Suslik's pile of a body, Runt pulled out a gun-like device the size of him (he was still rather small, to be fair).
"As they say in South Angola*, До свидания!"
(*Angola has been divided by a powerful Russian Gang into North and South Angola.)
A beam of bright orange energy emananted from the device, hitting Cube right in the... face. She screeched for a few seconds, and then fell on the ground, silent.
Suslik panicked.
"B-BOSS! Y-YOU CAN'T KILL NUMBER ONE HERO! B-BAD! VERY B-BAD! ПЛОХОЙ!"
"Ah, she'll be fine, Suslik! The docs told me it would only slow her down for a minute or two!"
Runt watched as a plated helicopter began to hover into view.
"AND THERE'S OUR RIDE!"
"D-Da..."
"HALT, EVILDOERS!"
Runt and Suslik watched as a knight-headed figure jumped onto the scene, posing heroically.
"YOU WON'T BE GETTING AWA- AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
The knight was launched away by that same beam of energy.
Runt mocked the attempt.
"Bye, Fullmetal!"
The helicopter's rope ladder came into reach of Suslik, and he grabbed both it and Runt as it began to take off.
Runt laughed manically, and he spoke through a megaphone he signaled Suslik to give him.
"SO LONG, TOKYO! YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR DIRT FROM ME FOREVER! AND FOR A PARTING GIFT!"
Runt held the detonator with his other hand, since Suslik was carrying Runt like Donkey Kong carrying Pauline.
"B-Boss! W-Why!? Why blow up? N-No point!"
"BECAUSE, RUNT! THEY NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DON'T GET WHAT I WANT! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-HACK!"
A burst of green gas went across Runt's face, causing him to choke, gag, and drop the detonator.
"Yeah! Nice work, Slimenuts!"
"Anytime, Slip-N'-Slide!"
More heroes have arrived on the scene!
Sukeban, Yeti, and several flopping sharks hauled Cube on a sled from her crash site, and Arack and Bad Touch were carrying an unconcious Fullmetal.
Slip-N'-Slide was still worried.
"VELVET WORM! THE DETONATOR!"
"RIGHT!"
A mixture of both heroes' slime covered the area, and the detonator landed harmlessly.
Velvet Worm watched as the helicopter soared off into the sky, and felt his burning nipples.
"Suslik...! I'll never forgive you for clogging my nipples...!"
The crowd cheered as the heroes had saved the day from the diabolical Runt. He had fled for the day, but he would be back, all for Tokyo's dirt.
Runt puked out of the helicopter, once again.
"Awwww... Suslik... I need some more..."
"D-Da."
Suslik gave Runt another glob of himself, sadly knowing that this would be regurgitated like the previous 7.
"Ughhhh... I hate that stinky guy..."
"A-Are you well, B-Boss?"
"Yeah, munch I'm fine. Hey, ask the guys if we can stop by Australia! The dirt's great this time of year."
"Y-Yes, Boss."