The diary of a knight under the care of Autism & Yuri
My name is Lois Griffin although I also go by Charlotte (Lottie) & other names. I'm currently 18 and born on May 7th (important information), I am diagnosed with Autism and one of spins is Revolutionary girl utena, everyone who gets to know me is aware of this due to my autism aura & beautiful princely charm & my love for girls. I am a butch lesbian and that's very important to my growth as a person & my identity, I am currently dating my dearest queen of madness. This is my diary where I write...and write..and write!
Knighthood & Fear | Lost date
my relationship with knighthood is something that i can only explain through utena & my fears, i would never be a real knight due to lack of confidence, identity & doubt if i could even be useful. but i am as loyal as a dog, as determined to die for my loved ones as a suicidal person would be, if i need to sacrifice myself i will without thinking twice, but i am terrified of death, so deep down i will be wishing "i hope they miss & that it doesn't hit me". it would be more possible of me dying of a heart attack due to fear before the killer could get me, i believe.. but i still call myself a knight despite it all
Put yourself first | 16/06/2024
I have written two letters before, talking about the acceptance of humanity containing suffering and how being used by other's is the proof that we are human's. These two letters were made in a sensitive moment of my life where I was only being hurt by my special person, so to not get reality checked that they're an awful being I forced myself to believe this was a natural human occurence, because, of course we all have gotten hurt before by someone—and so I took this to the extreme, this person whose no longer dear to me, caused me a lot of bad things and made me feel like I could be replaced by anyone, this person made me feel like I was just a puppet. No one knows the history better than me, because I experienced it myself and only I did. They treated me exactly like a puppet they could control, telling me what I should do and what I shouldn't, but when I say should and shouldn't I mean it in a commanding way, I was never given a choice—That's how thing's continued because I convinced myself they did all of this because they cared about me, but they actually never cared at all. No one that cares about you exposes you in your worst moment so that everyone will see and laugh, no one that cares about you will threaten to ruin your life—friendships or relationships, no one that cares about you will guilt trip you to stay with them because you realized, they don't care and never did. Reality can be sad, and it can surely hurt, but it's better to accept and move on to better people who will treat you like a human being, who will treat you with kindness and welcome you. That's how you should live, you should put yourself first, always care for yourself.
although personal, ive grown past this experience and am okay with sharing it as a way to wish for another's protection of themselves, please, always put yourself first. if someone makes you feel like you're useless, unworthy of anything special, like a puppet, get away from them & cut any contact. being in a relationship (of any kind) like that is not healthy for anyone and i wouldnt wish that even on my worst enemy, as a real hater.
Communication & Fears | 03/06/2025
fear is stronger than a thousand waves, its pushing me down and drowning me while i lay there, unable of acting. as if feeling my body shiver to the bones and meat, the world get's a little darker, my vision blurry, my head is dizzy and it feels like death has come to get me for one of once, but that's just a overdramatic way to represent my fears. i have feared my whole life, fear i wouldnt be accepted as a lesbian, fear nobody would ever want me, fear that everyone secretly hates me, etc .. but, after growing up, those fears turn less into a almost death experience and more into a simple worry that i can communicate with others if i try my best, am i scared my friend dislikes me? the best is to talk with them, ask them, reassure yourself you can do this because you can. shiver and sweat all you want while writing or talking, cry even if you may, but never give up on expressing how you're feeling, what you're overthinking about, or anything you need to in general! i am a communication refuser since i was a child, this molded me as a sad little kid, but i grew out of it and changed my mold even if slowly, every flower blooms in their own special speed and that is completely fine, in the end they bloom just like every other beautiful flower in the garden, and you should bloom too.