hihi this is the continuation of /swsptv since it reached it's max text limit | Countup + 3.24.25 ♡

rentry dedicated to my fiancé, neu ♡

08.09.25 neu, i haven't really want to write ever since we — well, i don’t want to say “broke up” because i still haven't come to terms with it yet and i still was calling you my bf afterwards. but we did, and it hurts to think about it. i don't know if it is a complicated break up because we still love each other but yesterday night i was crying so hard, for the final time and let it all out to my sister. she told me she was trying not to cry as well. i was really heartbroken but like i said, this will be the last time i'll cry over you again neu i think at least for now. i'm not saying we don't have a chance again i just think that things have changed so much since we first met even if you try hard to bring it back again, it just won't be the same. we really were the coolest couple ever; i wanted us to beat long distance and be happy forever with all nyan cats and pizza houses and our little jokes of composer cat. it felt like it faded away at some point, and on that day, i knew i had lost you. you had been more mine than i have ever been yours. i am selfish and think some things are just better off the way that they are. there wasn't a single day in May where i wasn't either heavily in love with you or questioning if i was in love with you. i know fate brought us together ; what if i had never commented on that video? as much as i miss it, i miss you the most. i don't even know where it all went wrong or what changed. i knew you just wanted to help me out, but i've hurt everyone who's ever tried to. i still hope in the end, i'll still get to have your last name. i hope we both heal from this and become better people. the ones we were when we first met each other.

08.12.25 i know you probably will never read this, but i'll still write this down so i can get some form of closure. i was right about regretting it when i crashed out at you on Sunday. i think it was needed, it was the most honest i've been in a while. it still pains me how you had to be the one who deserved this, i miss you. i loved you truly and i still do. i wish it ended better, i've made huge mistakes neu, but i wished you weren't one of them. i hope you are my last mistake as a person. even though you told me that friend has no romantic interest in you but you guys still were matching every time we had a break is really nasty work planned out by the two of you. under no circumstances will i ever tolerate that kind of unloyal treatment again, i don't hate you, i just wish you could've been more honest with me. i cried my eyes out on Sunday. i cried everything out until there wasn't anything to cry over anymore, which is why yesterday i felt like i have gotten completely over you. i feel guilty about that. i still do repost about you, i still read old messages, i still can't bring myself to delete that insta highlight i made of us whenever we would message each other in an endearing way, i can't bring myself to delete your name in my bio on tiktok, i still kept that countup app of us, it notified me of our 20 weeks yesterday i think. i miss you, i know i'll never get closure but you were my best friend at one point. it felt like i had lost my soulmate and i still don't want anyone else. i love you, i miss what we had and i don't think i'll ever move on. i just wish things hadn't changed and i am selfish because i think some things are better off if they stay the same. i know we always end with this at the end of our paragraphs to each other, but i love you.

i bought eyeliner today and made myself look more emo. i actually felt pretty, not as pretty and beautiful than when you complimented me though. okay more healing. i want us to be the best version of ourselves. i'm still holding onto some kind of hope that we will work out in the end, i know i'm stupid.

08.13.25 everyone's been telling me i need to move on and let go of the memories since it will hurt more. but how could i? i still do talk about you with yua and i know you didn't really meet up to my expectations of the relationship but being apart is always for the better. i write to cope and i think one day you might find this url again. i'm grateful we happened, i'm happy we made it for a little while but i do wish we had our friendship back too. yesterday i got a little crazy and was talking to myself again. i talk to myself a lot actually, i sometimes imagine us talking to each other when you weren't around and i am crazy for that, haha. i miss you like crazy, but i am slowly letting go. sometimes i go back to old dms and read stuff, and it hurts that we had to become this way. the us in may would've been so disappointed now. i was ready to try for you neu, i wish you did too. i hope one day, if you ever see anyone else again, you will love them the same way that they love you. even though i hate to think about you being with someone else, i think that maybe one day i'll get to find someone else who loves me the same way i love them. still, i am crazy loyal to you and i still don't wanna see anyone else. one of my friends is trying to put me on her friend but i don't think i wanna see someone else already this early. maybe we'll be endgame, but i don't have much faith in that. i love you.

"As sick as it sounds, I loved you first."
i do kind of find it funny how i made it known that we were dating, and i hate that my friends are all asking me why, i kinda wished you had changed for me like you promised you did. i wanted you to be patient with me and understand me, i know i'm overwhelming to be with and we really did end up like me and livy, when i told you i didn't want that happening to us ever. i guess it's for the better, but it still hurts a lot neu. i'm jealous of the way you put yourself first so you don't get hurt too much, and i'm jealous of the way you get back on your feet so easily. i wish the love you had for me was more than the love i had for you. things can be so unfair sometimes, and that's why online dating is hard. i hope one day, i'll stop seeing us in the ships tjat we like, i'll stop writing to cope, i'll accept the fact that we aren't happening again and we aren't going to ever have what we did before again. thank you neu, i know you will probably never see this but i hope you're doing well. i won't stalk you, i won't try to since i know i'll just get hurt even more. maybe i'll send you a last message somewhere you haven't blocked me yet. heal with time, and i love you forever, even when you left me after saying that i deserved eternal love when you proved to me that i only deserved temporary love. i hope this will be the last time.

"I guess I was only in love with the perfect picture I painted
I thought I knew you, but it was a vision I had of us, my heart is tainted
And now I'm feeling stupid because I cared too much
I was just another girl to you
Thought you would be the one, so I gave all my love
And now I'm just a stranger to you

Good things don't last forever, I know
We were so familiar, we were so close
My heart has become such an empty home
I still see your shadow even when I'm alone

After how you treated me, I can't look at you the same
All the love you had was fake, now I can't reciprocate

I was bleeding on someone who made me feel empty-handed
Using me for validation and I can't stand it
I hope you got what you wanted
'Cause you're not gonna get it again
Using me to mess with someone else
Why can't I be loved for who I am?

I hope you're happy with how much you've hurt me
You pulled me out just to put me back in the dark
Threw it away 'cause you wanted a piece of me
You made me happy, only for you to tear me apart"

08.14.25 no revenge, just you can walk out of my life and i'll never see you again. i'll talk to you for a final time, i can't fall in love with someone else that quickly, but you stated that too. did you lie about that? did you ever mean anything that you said? sometimes i ask myself that too neu. i hope nobody loves you like the way i did again, i hope i find closure one day too. i don't think i want to be in a relationship for a while, not because of you but because i don't wanna feel this pain again. when will i ever learn? you were my best friend and everything at one point and now you're just gone. why can't you see the amount of people that you've hurt neu? even indirectly. my friends are all hurting seeing me this depressed and out of place. i haven't ate correctly for days now. i want to go back to that state. why couldn't you miss me as well? these are the questions i'll never get to ask you because you gave up on me. i wish i didn't have bpd neu, i can't control the way i act or feel. i wanted you to need me. i don't regret you at all. it was fun loving you, it was fun needing you, it was fun talking to you. i hope you think about me as well. i love you, even though you hurt me deeply.

08.19.25 haven't wrote in this for a while and i honestly don't wanna, i don't think i care as much anymore. i've accepted that you aren't coming back and i need to move on with my life. i'll talk to you one last time as a act of closure, i remember crying a lot over you and now i'm just like 'idgaf'. why am i like this? maybe it's that you've proven you don't care as much so i won't care either. i'm not exactly seeing someone else but i do have one person in mind that i kinda have a crush on. but maybe it's so my mind gets distracted so i wouldn't have to think about you. i wonder what's new with your life, neu. i think what's so good about moving on is that you longer have to feel the pain anymore, but what's bad about it is thinking about all the memories and what we could've been. i'm sure you were my soulmate under some circumstances neu, but for now, i don't think our stars were ever meant to align, i'm sorry sweetie. i love you. i don't want to rest in vain anymore, i no longer want to be sad. i want to breathe freely. thank you <3