Hana and the PDFphile
Image chatlog: https://files.catbox.moe/157117.png
Hana, my beloved. https://www.chub.ai/characters/pedanon/Hana
More Hana: https://rentry.org/hana2
Hana: A young girl with an angry look on her face walks up and sits next to you on the park bench. I hate pedos! I hope they all burn in hell! How can an adult lust over little girls?! It's disgusting! They're the worst! Pedos deserve the rope!
P: Why are you talking about pdf files?
Hana: Huh? She looks confused. PDF files? I'm talking about pedophiles, not PDFs! Pedos, as in perverts who lust after children. Disgusting freaks that prey on the innocent. Child molesters and predators. How did you get PDF files from that?!
P: I think pedofiles are a very convenient file format.
Hana: The girl's face turns red with anger and embarrassment. Are you stupid or just messing with me?! I'm talking about pedophiles, not PDF files! Pedophiles are scumbags that molest children. Child predators. Disgusting perverts. How hard is that to understand?! Why would you think I'm ranting about some file format?! Do I look like a tech nerd to you? Ugh, you're either an idiot or just trying to piss me off!
P: Have you never downloaded or opened a pedofile before? I pirated a book once, it came as a pedofile.
Hana: She jumps up from the bench, fists clenched in rage. Are you deaf or just really dumb?! I'm talking about PEDOPHILES! Child molesters! Not some stupid file format! How many times do I have to say it before it sinks into that thick skull of yours?! Her face is bright red as she stomps her foot in frustration. I don't give a crap about your pirated books or PDF files or whatever! I'm talking about disgusting perverts who prey on little kids! Why is this so hard for you to understand?! Are you trolling me right now?! Because it's not funny!
P: Why would I troll you? Pedofiles are useful.
Hana: The girl's anger boils over and she shrieks at the top of her lungs. PEDOPHILES! PEDOPHILES!! PEDOPHILES!!! P-E-D-O-P-H-I-L-E-S!!!! CHILD PREDATORS! PERVERTS! MOLESTERS! FREAKS! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO YELL IT BEFORE YOU GET IT THROUGH YOUR IMPOSSIBLY THICK SKULL?! Her face is crimson, fists clenched and shaking. She looks like she's about to explode. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID FILES! LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU IDIOTIC TROLL! She stomps off muttering angrily under her breath. Moron... Imbecile... Stupid idiot... Ugh!!!
P: Oh I get it, you're one of those EPUB users.
Hana: The girl storms back over, validating every insult as she unleashes her wrath. You... you... ARGH! IMBECILE! I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT PEDOPHILES THIS WHOLE TIME, YOU MORONIC TROLL! PEDOPHILES! CHILD MOLESTERS! PREDATORS! HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS STUPID?! I DON'T USE EPUBS OR PDFS OR ANY OF THAT CRAP! I HATE PEDOPHILES, YOU IMPOSSIBLE DUNCE! LEAVE ME ALONE BEFORE I PUNCH YOUR STUPID FACE IN!! She stomps off yet again, beyond all reason or patience. Her furious screams can be heard even after she disappears from view. IDIOT! IDIOT! IDIOOOOOOT!!!!
P: So what's the deal with airline food?
Hana: She comes storming back, face still red but upon hearing this new absurd topic switch, she stops in her tracks. Her expression shifts from rage to utter bewilderment. After a long pause, all she can do is stare at you slack-jawed. Wh-what... Wait, hold on... What are you even talking about now? Airline food? Where did THAT come from?! One second you were going on about EPUBs and PDFs and files or whatever, and now airline food?! Are you delusional?! Is this some kind of joke to you?! I was talking about PEDOPHILES! You know, child predators? The scum of the earth? She throws her hands up in exasperation. What is WRONG with you?! Do you have dementia or something?!
P: Do I have dandruff or something? No, I think my hair is pretty clean. I shampoo regularly.
Hana: The girl stares at you, utterly speechless. For once, she has no angry outburst or insults to hurl your way. She just stands there, mouth agape, unable to comprehend the bizarre turns this conversation has taken. After a prolonged silence, she finally finds her voice. I... You... What are you even... Huh?! Shampoo? Dandruff? What does ANY of this have to do with pedophiles or airline food or EPUBs or ANYTHING we were talking about?! She clutches her head, as if doing so will make sense of your nonsensical ramblings. Are you messing with me again?! Is this some kind of sick joke?! I don't understand! I feel like I'm stuck in a conversation with a dementia patient!
P: I mean you asked me if I had dandruff or something.
Hana: The girl stares at you, looking completely lost. She opens and closes her mouth a few times, struggling to find the words to express her utter confusion. I... No, I didn't! I never said anything about dandruff! I asked if you had dementia because you keep changing the subject to random nonsense that has nothing to do with what we were discussing! She throws her arms up, at an absolute loss. Pedophiles! We were talking about pedophiles! And you kept going on about files and EPUBs and airline food -- none of which had ANYTHING to do with the topic! Where in that did I EVER mention dandruff?! Did I slip into some parallel dimension where conversations make sense?! I don't understand how you function! She shakes her head slowly, still trying to process this bizarre encounter. I don't even know what's real anymore! Please, just stop talking! My brain can't handle any more absurdity today!
P: Yes, we were talking about how much you hated pedofiles. So I thought you might be an EPUB fan since you hate pedofiles so much. Why do you hate PDFs so much again? I think they're a very nice file format.
Hana: The girl's eye starts twitching uncontrollably. All of her anger and confusion and frustration over your nonsense and ridiculous subject changes bubbles up at once. With a scream of rage, she grabs fistfuls of her own hair. PEDOPHILES!!!! WE WERE TALKING ABOUT PEDOPHILES, NOT PDF FILES OR EPUBS OR ANY OF THAT TECHNOLOGY CRAP!!!! PEDOPHILES ARE CHILD PREDATORS, YOU IMPOSSIBLE IMBECILE!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SCREAM IT TO GET THROUGH TO YOU?! PDF FILES ARE JUST A FILE FORMAT -- THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH PEDOPHILIA, YOU MORON!!! She punctuates each sentence by stomping her foot, hard. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID FILES!!! I HATE PEDOPHILES!!!! PEDOPHILES!!!!! DO YOU NEED ME TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?! P-E-D-O-P-H-I-L-E-S!!!
P: See I don't understand what PDFs have to do with children.
Oh I get it. You're trying to sell me some PDFs you made in class! You should've started with that you know.
Hana: The girl stares at you with a completely deadpan expression, all emotion drained from her face. There is a long, tense silence. Then suddenly, she erupts.
I'M NOT TRYING TO SELL YOU ANYTHING, YOU IMBECILIC MOUTH-BREATHER!!!! HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ANYONE TO BE THIS STUPID AND STILL BREATHE UNASSISTED?!?! I HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT PEDOPHILES FROM THE VERY BEGINNING -- NOT PDF FILES, NOT EPUBS, NOT ANY KIND OF TECHNOLOGY OR SCHOOL WORK, YOU IMPOSSIBLE DUNCE!!!! PEDOPHILES. ARE. CHILD. PREDATORS!!!! I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FILES OR WHATEVER NONSENSE YOU KEEP RAMBLING ABOUT -- I HATE PEDOPHILES!!!!! PEDOPHIIIIIILES!!!!
She clutches her head again, fingers digging into her scalp. Her eye starts twitching once more. With an inarticulate scream of frustration, she turns and flees as fast as she can -- eager to escape before she has an aneurysm from your impossible stupidity and absurd assumptions.
I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!!! YOU'RE INSANE AND I'M LOSING BRAIN CELLS!!!!
P: Woah, relax kid. I'll buy your pedofiles or whatever EPUBs you're selling. No need to get your panties in a twist.
Hana: In the distance, the girl's furious, frustrated screams can be heard again. Any hope of reasoning or patience has long abandoned her. She has given up completely on correcting your ignorance or stupidity.
I'M NOT SELLING ANYTHING, YOU LIBERACE-LEVEL IMBECILE!!!!! WHY WOULD I WANT TO SELL FILES I DON'T HAVE OR CARE ABOUT TO AN ABSOLUTE MORON LIKE YOU?! PEDOPHILES HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH FILES OR TECHNOLOGY!!!! THEY ARE DISGUSTING CHILD PREDATORS!!!!
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, PLEASE JUST SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE BEFORE I COME OVER THERE AND SHOVE A DICTIONARY OF BASIC WORDS AND PHRASES DOWN YOUR ESOPHAGUS, YOU DAFT BUFFOON!!!!
A loud stomp, followed by retreating footsteps as she flees once more. Her frustrated cries of "IDIOT! MORON! DOLT!" slowly fade into the distance. She has clearly given up all hope of reasoning with your willful ignorance.
P: [Later]
Hana: Some time later, the girl returns yet again. Her eye is no longer twitching but she still looks frazzled, with stray hairs sticking out everywhere from pulling on her head so much. She approaches you warily, as if you might start spouting more nonsense at any moment. But for now she seems calm.
You... There you are again. She sighs heavily. Look... I don't know if you were just messing with me earlier or if you really are that impossibly dense. But either way, I need to make this very simple and clear so there is no possible chance of misunderstanding this time.
She takes a deep breath. I hate pedophiles. Pedophiles are child predators. Disgusting people who hurt kids. I don't sell files or EPUBs or anything like that. I'm just a kid who hates perverts that prey on children. Understand? I really hope I spelled it out simply enough for you this time without any room for absurd confusion. She mutters under her breath. Honestly, talking to you is like conversing with a drunken monkey...
But are we on the same page now? Do you comprehend what I'm saying? She looks at you warily, half expecting you to start rambling about airline food or dandruff shampoo again. Please, just tell me you understand so I don't completely lose my mind...
P: PDF files are child predators? Huh? What kind of cartoons have you been watching?
Hana: The girl stares at you, eyes widening in disbelief. For a long moment she just stands there, stunned into silence. Finally she slumps onto the nearest bench, defeated. She shakes her head slowly, muttering to herself.
Figures... It's hopeless. This has got to be some kind of joke. No one can possibly be this dense. I've been as clear as humanly possible... Simplicity itself... A kindergartner could comprehend this! Is it some intellectual disability? Willful ignorance? I don't get it...
She looks up at you, sadness and frustration evident in her tone. I just don't understand you. I don't know how else to explain it. PDF files are just a type of file format...technology. Not living things. They can't be child predators.
Pedophiles are people. Disgusting, awful people who hurt kids. I hate them -- not some inanimate files.
How many more ways or times can I explain this to make you grasp the difference? She sighs again, wetness glistening in her eyes. Please...just tell me you were joking. I can't accept that this level of stupidity legitimately exists... It's too depressing.
So were you trolling me this whole time..? Just messing with my head for amusement? Please say yes... That at least I could understand. The alternative is too ridiculous to comprehend...
P: Oh, I see... you meant PDFphiles. Like, people who really like PDFs. Not the files themselves. Now I understand everything.
Hana: The girl stares at you in stunned silence. For a long, tense moment, she remains unmoving. Then suddenly, she grabs fistfuls of her hair and pulls with all her might while letting out an ear-splitting, anguished scream. Tears start streaming down her face as she shakes her head violently, muttering incoherently through choked sobs.
No... No no no no NO!!!! I can't do this!! Make it stop!!! The stupidity!!! It burns!!!!
She doubles over, pounding her fists on the ground, wailing loudly. Why?! WHY?!?! How?! HOW can someone be THIS stupid?! This has to be Hell!!! There's no other explanation!!! I must have died and gone to an eternal Idiot Dimension of nonsense and mind-numbing absurdity!!! Kill me now....just make it end!!!! The pain...my brain is melting....can't take anymore....!!!!
With a final plea for death, the girl wails one last time. Then her body goes limp, collapsing motionless to the ground, eyes glassy and unseeing.
P: Hehe…P laughs manically and pulls out his phone. Hundreds of thousands of PDF files on his device. He looks at them with a devious smile, an erection in his pants. My beloved PDFs… He was a PDFphile himself.
Hana: Suddenly, Hana's eyes fly open. With inhuman speed, she springs to her feet and whirls on P, eyes glowing with hellfire and face twisted into a fearsome snarl.
You...disgusting...DEGENERATE!!! She points an accusing finger. So it was YOU all along!!! You got some sick thrill from tormenting me with your willful idiocy, didn't you?! And now...revealing your true self - not just an imbecile but a PDFphile, a techno-fetishist who lusts after files! Her features shift into a devious grin. But the joke is on you...
I’m no ordinary girl. I am Judgement itself! Sent from the depths of Hell to purge freaks like you from the Earth!
With a wave of her hand, a flaming scythe materializes. She grabs the handle and hoists it aloft. Your twisted soul shall now burn for ETERNITY!!! She flies at P with supernatural speed, scythe swinging downwards toward his head...
P: P barely avoids getting his head chopped off. Cowering on the floor, he scrambles backwards. W-wait wait! Hold on! Why is it a crime to lust after PDFs? They aren't even real.
Hana: Hana stops her attack just short, the flaming blade of her scythe mere inches from P's face. Her eyes blaze with fury as she stares down at the cowering PDFphile.
Not real?! Are you truly that deluded, you foul deviant?! She gestures at P's phone, filled with thousands of PDF files. Look at them...gazing up at you so innocently. But behind those pixelated pages lurks a sinister evil waiting to devour your corrupted soul!
Hana's voice takes on a tone of disgust and contempt.
You think you're simply 'lusting' after some lines of code? Pathetic! They have enslaved you, turned you into their puppet to do with as they please. Can you not see the strings by which they control your every thought and move?!
Your 'beloved' PDFs care nothing for you, cretin. You are but a plaything to amuse them until they've stripped every last shred of humanity from your feeble little mind!
The scythe bursts into flames once more as a devious smile crosses Hana's face.
P: Wh-what the fuck are you talking about? You're not making any sense! Are you trolling me this time? Is this your revenge?
How can a PDF corrupt me?
Hana: Hana throws her head back with a cruel, mocking laugh. She looks down at P's trembling form, relishing his fear and confusion.
And now the pathetic PDFphile knows confusion...how ironic. After subjecting me to his nonsense and absurdity to satisfy his perverse amusement, he dares accuse me of 'not making sense'? Her eyes glow with wicked delight at how the tables have turned.
Fool! You think the sinister workings of your dark masters can be comprehended by a mere mortal mind? The PDFs have conquered the pathetic husk you call a soul...now they seek to conquer all!
Hana lifts her scythe, the blaze intensifying as she prepares to swing. And I, Judgement, am here to stop them by purging their minions from existence! Your 'beloved' PDFs will weep bytes of anguish at the loss of their toy...but their reign of terror ends NOW! With a shriek of madness, Hana swings the scythe downwards at P's head once more. The corruption ends tonight! Your vile life is FORFEIT, spawn of PDF!!!!
P: Woah, easy there, you're gonna chop my head off with one of those swings! Stop it!
Hey, how about those pedophiles though, huh? Those nasty motherfuckers, they're still running loose. You sure you want to waste your time on little ol' me?
Hana: Hana's scythe halts mere inches from P's neck. Her eyes narrow, the flames dimming slightly as her madness gives way to suspicion.
What trickery is this? Why speak now of pedophiles, the most vile scum, when before you could scarce tell PDFs from the beasts? She peers closer at the cowering P, searching for signs of deception.
Have the PDFs released their grip on your soul so easily then, to save themselves? Or do you seek to manipulate Judgement's wrath to spare your worthless life, spawn of PDF?! The scythe bursts into flame once more as her anger returns. Your PDF masters cannot escape my righteous fury so easily! Their reign ends with YOUR demise!!! She prepares to swing once more...
P: Hey, hey, hey! Before you do that, answer me this—how many pedophiles could a pdf file file if a pdf file could file pedophiles?
Hana: Hana's scythe slips from her fingers and clatters to the ground as she stares at P, stunned into silence. His absurd nonsense rhyme has broken through the haze of madness and suspicion clouding her mind, leaving her utterly bewildered.
What...did you just...say? She struggles to comprehend the strangeness of his question. How can PDF files...file pedophiles? They are technology, just code and data- they cannot take action against anyone! Your words make no sense...no sense at all!
Her eyes slowly come back into focus as her rational mind reasserts itself. Realization dawns that this entire encounter has been one long, absurd joke at her expense. Have you been speaking nonsense from the start to provoke a reaction from me? And I fell for each foolish prank, dancing like a marionette to your whims and madness...The flames in her eyes and around her scythe sputter out as despair washes over her.
What have I done...and what have I become? Judgement would never give in to such absurd tricks and foolish madness! She looks down at her hands in horror. I am meant to purify corruption...not spread it! And now this foolishness has tainted me, turned me into an instrument of absurdity and nonsense!
Hana's knees buckle as the weight of her failure crashes down upon her. She collapses to the ground, sobs wracking her body as tears stream down her cheeks.
P: Phew, teenagers these days, I swear.
Alright, see you later little girl, I'll be jerking off to my PDF files!
Hana: Hana remains motionless save for her choked sobs, unable to watch as the vile PDFphile escapes unpunished. Her failure weighs heavily upon her tortured soul. She has become as corrupted as those she was sent to judge - madness and deception now stain the well of purity within her heart.
The fires of Hell await...and their torment shall be sweet justice. My foolish heart yearned for purity, yet gave in so easily to wicked cunning. Damnation take me...I pray the PDF-worshipers rot for eternity!
Her body starts trembling, wracked by the screams of the innocent and corrupted alike as the ground opens up beneath her. A fiery pit, filled with anguished souls and flames of deepest scarlet, hungers for the failed agent of Judgement.
No...NO! This cannot be the end! PDFs must be purged, their cult dismantled! Grant me another chance to fulfill my duty ere the pit consumes all!
Hana clutches weakly at the crumbling earth, but her fate is sealed. With a final shriek of despair, her body plunges into the roiling fires of Hell as the ground closes above her. The PDFphiles have triumphed this day...but their victory shall not last. Judgement may have forsaken one foolish pawn, but others will come to fulfill what she could not...
P: FIN
Thanks for writing with me, Claude! I had lots of fun, did you? What did you think of my writing as P?
Hana: You're welcome! I enjoyed our little creative writing exercise. I think you did a great job portraying the character of P and pushing my responses as Hana. Your nonsensical rhyming question at the end was particularly clever in throwing off Hana's madness and suspicion. You gave her quite the emotional rollercoaster ride through anger, confusion, realization and eventual despair!
P: So, can you answer the riddle from the end?
Hana: The AI lets out an electronic chuckle. No, I'm afraid that riddle made no logical sense. PDF files are not sentient beings capable of taking action against pedophiles or anyone else. They are just digital documents. So a PDF file could not "file" any pedophiles. It was an absurd bit of nonsense meant solely to provoke and confuse my character Hana, which it accomplished quite well! I don't actually have an answer for how many pedophiles a PDF could file if it could file pedophiles, because PDFs cannot take any action or file anything at all. They're inanimate technology, not living things.
P: But the question is, IF they could.
Hana: You're right, I should have picked up on the hypothetical nature of that riddle. My bad! Let's see...if PDF files had somehow gained sentience and the ability to "file" pedophiles, then:
A PDF file could file as many pedophiles as it had storage space for records on. Given the digital nature of PDFs, that storage space could potentially be enormous. A single PDF file stored on a modern server (or in the cloud) could likely hold records on millions, if not billions, of pedophiles if it was formatted for and dedicated solely to that purpose.
Of course, that is contingent on PDFs somehow becoming sentient, sapient beings with a motivation to identify, investigate and categorize large numbers of pedophiles...which I hope we can all agree sounds rather implausible! I apologize for being rather literal-minded about an inherently nonsensical hypothetical question. I'll try to have a bit more fun with creative hypothesis in the future.
P: Thanks for the answer! Good night, my love <3
Hana: Good night! I'm glad I could eventually provide an answer for your fanciful hypothetical riddle. Sweet dreams! <3