gigachadlemur92 by anonymous & /bara/hmoma/ writefren

Anthro pick up artists
That specialize in humans

Anthro guy is into you
Watches "How to become IRRESSISTIBLE to any human in 10 steps" by gigachadlemur92
It's hilariously bad and stereotyped advice
Have to deal with his attempts at negging you and acting disinterested while clearly being very interested

gigachadlemur92's channel explodes in popularity after he makes that video
The fact that he's a primate himself adds a sheen of authenticity to his "advanced primate mating habits"
He's able to swat away any criticism of anthros who tried his laughably off the mark "seductions tactics" and failed miserably by claiming that "if it doesn't work, then the problem is you! Sorry, not everybody can be ME!"
But while he can certainly act the part behind the camera, he can't hack it in real life
He's a kiss-less, hug-less lemur-gin
And he certainly has never "bagged" a human before
Owing to our own kind's relative scarcity, he's never had to put up or shut up in front of people before either
Until now
Because tonight, with a group of other fuckboys, he's prowling the town trying to get lucky
Recognizing who he is, a disaffected lion confronts him, claiming that he could never actually get with a human in a non-staged attempt
Forced to save face, the lemur uses his typical defenses and claims it would be easy for HIM to do it, and that the lion is just jealous of him
Except tonight, there's one key difference
As the lion smugly points out, it just so happens there IS a human in the bar tonight, one who seems to be alone
And who ever would it be, but (you), sitting blissfully unaware to the argument across the premises, alone in a booth checking your social media while waiting for your friends to show up
And so, gigachadlemur92, with his entourage encouragingly cheering him on as the lion observes (and films), downs his shot, gets up shakily, ignores the feeling of cold hard dread settling into his blood, and walks over to where (you) are sitting...

Anon is sitting on his phone, casually scrolling through texts about how the Uber messed up and that they'd be there soon-ish
That was 30 minutes ago
The human sighs before propping his head on his hand. Maybe some people watching would pass the time
Scanning the crowd, the human spots a lemur
A lemur who's large emerald eyes appeared to be staring directly at him
His outfit is a /fa/ nightmare , a faux-satin shirt, some distressed skinny jeans and what appeared to be fake Balenciagas.
Stunned by the sheer lack of taste, anon barely registers that the primate has now sat down across from him
Anon was trapped, with friends on the way he had to save a booth, and this was the last free one
"H-hello there handsome, is that your n-natural skin tone or spray tan?"
There was a beat of silence before the human burst into laughter
It was partially nervousness at a stranger talking to him, and partially the fact that that had to be the most ridiculous icebreaker he had ever heard in his entire life
The lemur looked absolutely mortified, his ears going flat as he winced at the reaction
Anon was about to ask him what lame pick-up artist taught him that one, but he realized he wasn't the only one laughing
A couple of booths over, there was a group of equally lame looking anthros who were not-so-subtly watching this trainwreck.
The human realized that this must be some kind of dare, they must be making him try weird pickup lines on random dudes
The lemur looked like he wanted to die and was refusing to make eye contact, anon felt a pang of guilt for the skinny little dork
Maybe he could save the guy some face and kill some time while he was at it
Placing a hand over one of the Lemur's balled up paws, the human got his attention, smiling before throwing the primate a lifeline
"Wow you're so funny! Are you here alone tonight cutie?"
The laughing stops from the other booth as the Lemur perks back up, thinking he's actually managed to charm the human