An Onobot and the Grand Culture Clash
A new Home
RE-55 was filled with joy, he was selected to become the Retro Reich's new Ambassador in /vtwbg/, a prestigious position that would get him in contact with nations all over the world. And he was barely able to hold back his excitement at the thought of all the new humanoid cultures he would be learning of, as he arrived at the collaborate Embassy, that he was about to be a part of. And sure enough, even before entering the building he already met his first culture shock as he watched on as a man, proudly shouting to claim all the seas as his, was peeing in what seemed like a fountain.
"Outdoor group toilets, what an interesting and efficient design." RE-55 mused to himself as he walked past and entered the building.
A very average but friendly looking person was situated at a reception desk and as soon as he noticed the Onobot entering, stood up to greet him.
"Welcome to the Grand Vitubium Embassy, I am Anton the head secretary, may I assume that you are RE-55, the new representative of the Retro Reich?"
"This assumption is correct, yes." They both gave each other a short bow of respect before Anton kept talking with an inviting smile.
"I am glad that you managed to arrive safely, I hope the travel was not too strenuous and that you will find your stay here to be a welcoming one. This place might seem a bit daunting and rowdy at first and the people here to tend to bicker over what seems like nothing a lot, but everyone here shares the same love of the world in this place and I personally vouch that they all are good people at heart. Ah, but enough of my blabbering. Please, let me give you a tour of the place and show you to your workplace, so you may get comfortable first. I am sure we will have plenty of chances for small talk in the future."
He gave a lighthearted, mischievous smile as he noticed himself talking without pause and gestured to the Onobot to follow him. RE-55 did not really mind the man talking and was happy for the opportunity given by Anton to learn of the place.
"Thank you for your guidance, and please feel free to talk at your leisure."
"In that case don't mind if I do, but for this floor honestly there is nothing too exciting to tell you I guess. Besides this entrance there are mainly rooms for private meetings between representatives or with people from outside as well as storage rooms for some copies of the more frequently used files for quicker access, please feel free to familiar yourself with them in your time as you see fit. If something seems missing, or you need further reading, the grand archive is placed in the cellar."
"That is good to know, I shall make sure to have them read as soon as I get the chance."
"Quite the eager reader I see, well then I think it's best to meet the other representatives then next, shall we?"
"Yes, please show the way."
With the guidance of Anton, the two set foot and quickly arrived at a set of stairs leading up to different Floors, and they both arrived in front of a Door signaling the entrance to the first floor.
Welcome to Hololive
"Behind this door is the floor designated to the representatives of the main Hololive continent, if you are however looking for representatives of the land bridge leading towards the Nijisanji continent you will have to move up one, due to space issues we all agreed to have them placed together with the Nijisanji representatives otherwise this floor can get quite cramped, oh due note however that not all nations have a representative send over to us at all times and so the actual amount usually tends to be way less. Let us step in."
Stepping through the Door revealed a big room with many desks to the two, as well as several side doors that presumably led to further rooms for this floor. A few people were situated in the room, each showcasing their unique culture, and one person decided to stand up to greet the pair. Before she could get a greeting out, however, RE-55 moved ahead to the corner of the room and began with a greeting of his own.
"Greetings, my designation is RE-55, and I am to work as the new representative of the Retro Reich within this Embassy, I hope we can get along and work well alongside each other."
"Uhm, RE-55, are you fine?"
Anton as well as the Stranger that stood up to meet them both gave RE-55 a questionable look, wich confused RE-55 and made him wonder if perhaps he made a social faux pas common to this place he was not aware of.
"I am fine, yes, I thought it would be polite to introduce myself to my fellow representatives."
"Well, that does make sense, but you do realize that you are actually talking to a pair of potted plants, yes?"
Standing before the Onobot were two young trees in oversized pots that he had just introduced himself to, this seemed to have been the cause of the dissonance.
"While they certainly have a certain flair to themselves, they mainly are just here because they have always been here, and it would be too much of a hassle to remove them at this point."
"Huh? Is that so? I must have misread my scans then, I apologize for the confusion."
Returning to the pair waiting, he made to start his introduction once over but was quickly cut off by the woman he had yet to meet who gave him a stern look.
"RE-55 is it? I am Laura of the Owl Republic, before we continue introductions however I would first like to verify your papers regarding your appointment as the Retro Reich's representative."
shocked by Laura's words, RE-55 could not help but freeze up, as he had not received any official Papers regarding this.
"From your reaction I assume you were not handed the corresponding formulas, worry not, this is quite common I happen to have the necessary parts with me, let us move over to a free desk, and we can have you fill them out quickly."
As they moved over and RE-55 began filling out the papers handed to him by Laura.
"I am grateful for help, but there seems to be a mentioning of Formula C-13, what should I put in?"
"Ohh do not worry, I got that one too, let me just give it to you, and you can continue filling it out."
As he kept filling out new formulas that seem to keep referring to new ones, RE-55 did not recognize the awkward smiles of the people around him, born from an understanding of Laura's particular quirks, and just kept on filling out more and more papers as he went on. He did not mind either as the paperwork was like second nature to an Onobot, and he also did not want to disturb Laura who was holding her slightly flushed cheeks in her hands as she gave an entranced look as more and more papers kept being filled.
"haaa... so much paperwork... so quickly..." she began to moan to herself, Anton was about to move in to end this situation, but a loud bang interrupted the scene instead as a side door broke out of its hinges and to the floor together with two men in spacesuits that were struggling with each other sending a shock trough the room.
"YOU FUCKER, I WILL KILL YOU, MATE!"
"OH YEAH? TRY ME CUNT!"
"I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DID THIS, YOU BITCH!"
"OH, GO FUCK YOURSELF"
The two men tossed and strangled each other with one hand as they tried to punch each other with their free hand and continued shouting at each other.
"YOU STUPID SCHIZOFUCKER, YOU RUINED MY REPORTS!
"THE FUCK ARE YOU ABOUT MATE, I FUCKING SAVED THEM, THEY FELT WAY TOO INCOMPLETE AND WERE MISSING IMPORTANT INFORMATION, YOU SHOULD SUCK MY COCK IN THANKS YOU PISSBOY"
"SAVED? TAKE YOUR FUCKING MEDS YOU ASSHOLE, THEY ARE RUINED THANKS TO YOU, NO SANE PERSON IS ABLE TO DECRYPT YOUR STUPID OVERCOMPLICATED SHIT BUT YOU, YOU DONKEY"
One of the man managed to free himself of the other's grip and stood up to grasp the first solid object he could get his hands on. As soon as he got hold of a Globe of Vitubia made of masonry, he put both hands with it over his head to ready himself for one giant swing.
"YOU WANT SOMETHING SAVED? SEE HOW SAVED YOU ARE AFTER I HIT YOU WITH THIS AND CRIPPLE YOU FROM THE WAIST DOWN!"
But before he could take the swing, the reflecting light of a blade on his visor made him hesitate as he noticed the blade of a naginata pointing towards his body almost out of nowhere.
"Don't you even dare, that Globe was just newly made with our most up-to-date maps," a tall man with pink ponytail, wearing a fox mask and black kimono spoke, standing across the spaceman and holding the sudden naginata "Whatever got you guys riled up this time I am sure we can talk about it and come to an understanding that violence is not the answer here."
"Alright, alright, you are right. Violence is not the answer here, true."
Happy to hear these words, the tall man took down his blade and relaxed, looking forward to return to piece in the room.
"It's the fucking question AND THE ANSWER IS YES!" but contrary to what the tall man hoped, the space man took this opening to finish his swing. The globe shattered into an explosion of debris on the floor as the other space man had dodged as he anticipated this happening.
"HA SAW IT COMING, YOU FUCKER!"
"haa... fuck it, I am too sober to deal with this shit." as the two spaceman continued their quarrel, the Tall man walked away defeated and went back to his desk, opening a drawer wich revealed to be filled with nothing but wine bottles and began to drink one straight out of the bottle.
Laura also did not seem fazed any more by the situation and paid the two no mind, instead rather focusing on filing away the freshly filled out paperwork she got a hold of.
Not sure what to do himself, RE-55 looked to Anton for support in how to deal with this situation.
"Oh please don't worry, you get used to these kinds of situations, pay it no mind. But how about we move on and visit the next floor?"
"... Sure."
As the two made to leave, the commotion sadly was too loud for RE-55 to hear the quiet but grateful "uuuuuuu"s directed at him from the corner of the room.
This too is Nijisanji
With Anton upfront, the pair ascended the stairs once more until they reached the door to the second floor.
"Alright, beyond this door is where the representatives of the Nijisanji continent work as well as the representatives of the Holo land bridge as I mentioned earlier. Hopefully this will go better than last time..."
But as soon as he opened the door, a commotion was already greeting them on the other side of it.
Two groups of people were facing one another in a heated Argument over a desk, and with it drawing the attention of the room, no one noticed the new arrivals.
"This is outrageous, no way can this be correct!"
"Yeah, this goes against all known records we had so far, how can you even propose such an outlandish thing?!"
"I bet this is just some ploy of yours to steal land of other countries by claiming this map to be fact!"
The first group, a group of man clad in robes with hoods over their face, kept addressing a blonde, good-looking man who stood opposed to them while they kept pointing to a parchment with a map drawn upon it that was sitting on the desk between them.
"Why don't you people get it, that the old maps were either outdated, crudely made or made on accounts from outsiders. All I did was update the map to feature the correct borders as they are, I did not magically move cities around or something like that."
"AHA Panon! So you admit that this is all basically just conjured up by you alone."
"How do we know you are not secretly traveling to cities around the borders and tell them they have been living in a different city for a different country and need to change allegiance?"
The blonde man was visibly frustrated at the argument, not even entirely sure how to tackle some of the allegations, but despite all of it, RR-55 did not want to miss his chance to introduce himself.
"Greetings, my designation is RE-55, and I am to work as the new representative of the Retro Reich within this Embassy, I hope we can get along and work well alongside each other."
But his greeting went largely unnoticed in the room aside from a man with his face partially covered in face paint, whose desk is situated closer to the entrance than others.
"Hmm? Oh an Onobot, what was it? RE-55? It's a pleasure to meet you, been a while since I have seen a bot."
"A pleasure to meet you too, Matiyotl, I would assume from your way of dress, am I correct?"
"Bingo, just call me Iyo, hope we can work well together, trading with your folk is always a pleasure for our Nation."
"Likewise, people often tell in the Retro Reich that they could not imagine barbecue without your cattle anymore."
"That great to hear but why don't we keep the whole cattle business talk for when we are alone, would not want to bore the others with stuff they don't need to know, you get me?"
"I would see no issue, but if that is what you want, I shall comply."
"Good, thanks, but anyway, quite the time you picked to show up."
as Iyo moved to look back at the argument that was still unfolding in the room.
"For the last time, I made sure to double-check with representatives of several countries involved to make sure that everything is in order and 100% correct to the Nations and that everyone is fine with it. Also, how am I supposed to travel there secretly when I am HERE!"
As he said these words, several of the people around him nodded to confirm this to be true.
"Well, WE weren't informed about this at all!"
"What? Of course you were! I made an official announcement the moment I began the project, and the map was lying openly on this desk the whole time, you guys just did not bother to look at it till now."
"Yeah well, you did not FACT-CHECK with US, just because this has no correlation with us or impacts us in any shape or form does not mean we should not also have a say in the matter, how can you just overstep us just to fulfill your own desires?"
"Actually," as a man clad in red and black leather stepped forward, "he just said to me, he thinks the current maps might not be accurate based on what he knows from his studies around some of the true facts about stories of Pomerlane. When I told other Niji reps about it, and we agreed this needs further looking into, we were the ones tasking him with the job and not he himself."
Again, the people surrounding Panon nodded to show their agreement of this statement.
"See, this is what this all truly about, isn't it? Pomerlane the Almighty! Because you actually share the same ancestor, you just felt the need to conquer land in some way yourself, isn't that the truth?"
"What...? What do you even mean? I am not even remotely related to the man besides us both being Pomudachis, also his myths are way overblown and research has shown that many other contributing factors led to his success besides himself. I swear, I am getting a migraine..."
"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF POMULANE LIKE THAT! The man is the closest a mortal can be to a god! Rosfi! Why don't you say something to him too! After all, this also involves your nation!"
With these words spoken, both groups moved their attention over to a person who has been sitting silently at their desk so far. There sat a thin beauty in a cute dress surprised to suddenly get all eyes on them and with a slightly red face and sweat running down their skin. RR-55's scan indicated this to be a man and made him wonder if this person might have a profession as a craftsman, being reminded of some of the burly craftsman in the workshops of his home that always proclaimed that true masterworks can only be crafted wearing the finest and cutest of woman's wear.
"Ahh um, ngh (not now), I... oh, I think we should no, ohh, just dismiss, hmm good, this map..., ahn, like, ngha, wrong or..., (oh yes), right, not yet. Oh."
"You alright Rosfi? I could barely hear a word you said, let alone understand what you just said."
"OH YES!"
At the sudden outburst, both groups looked concerned, fearing what might be wrong. Even the people not involved in the argument that paid attention started to get worried.
"Yeah alright I think you better see a doctor, Risten can you take him to one? Huh? Risten?"
"Wait, where is Risten?"
"I AM HERE!" a voice called back at the mention of his name, as a cute boy with a squirrel tail suddenly climbed out from below Rosfi's desk.
Everyone looked shocked at Risten's sudden appearance from there and as he licked his lips of some liquid of some kind stuck there, all faces suddenly turned towards Rosfi who had his burning bright red face hidden in his hands.
"""ROSFI!!!"""
watching all this unfold from his desk, Iyo turn back to face RE-55.
"Alright, this is gonna open up a whole new can of worms, i think it might be better if you come visit again another time." Nodding to this statement, Anton agreed and gestured to leave.
"Well, alright then, i wish you a good day, Iyo."
"Same, bye."
Outside the Door of the second floor, Anton turned to face RE-55.
"Well, this was a thing. Well going up one more floor you will find the door leading to the office for the Indie and Fetish continents, due to space issues we had both moved together, so we got more space for the other divisions. That is also where you will be working from. I would love to go up with you, but with how things are right now, i fear i need to start baking some new bread to calm things down a bit again. Please feel free to take up any free desk as your own. Have nice day."
"I thank you for your help today, surely from here my new co-workers will be able to guide me for the rest."
"Uhm... about... you know what, never mind." Wanting to speak up but unable to bring out the words, he decides to instead leave downstairs and let RE-55 figure out things himself.
As RE-55 head upstairs, he reaches the door to the third floor and eagerly opened the door to meet more people.
But what greeted him instead was a room filled with dust and cobwebs, with not a single person in sight. They must have been all out at the moment, it seems.
RE-55 thought for a moment if he should help clean up, but then he remembered how the Scholars in the Retro Reich are very fond of cobwebs, so maybe the dust and cobweb in here was similar for someone? He would not want to anger someone carelessly, so he decided against it and instead took a seat at an empty desk facing the door, placing a little flag of the Retro Reich at it to signal it being his from now, so he would not miss the moment one of his fellow co-workers would return to the office, so he can introduce himself. Surely soon someone would arrive, and then his fun life as a rep would truly begin, arguing for the betterment of the world, enjoying the companionship of different worldviews and helping his country build a bridge with others. And so he started his paperwork he brought with him, always sure to pay attention to the door for when they finally arrive.