The Leviathan Holiday Special

“Yup, you can come in. Enjoy the party and have a merry Christmas!”

The bouncer has the Toad sign his name on the clipboard and steps aside. As the Toad enters the castle the bouncer looks around. The kingdom’s covered in Christmas spirit. Every house, plant, path, and especially the castle, are surrounded by Christmas lights. Every tree has dozens of ornaments with a star on top. Snow rains down as people celebrate the day. Even the bouncer, as per Mushroom Kingdom guard and helper policy, dresses as a nutcracker. He holds his staff high as more Toads ask to be let in, occasionally moving his fake moustache down so he can get a better look to make sure he isn’t letting naughty people in. As he crosses another name off his list a pat on his shoulder surprises him.

“Hey pal, I think y’know who I am. Let me in.”

The bouncer looks up to see Mario towering over him. He wears a sweater with a reindeer’s face, its antlers wrapped in Christmas lights. The bouncer extends his hand.

“Hey Mario! It’s good to see you! What are you doing here so early?”

Mario grabs the bouncer’s hand and vigorously shakes it.

“Little Mario thought it’d be spectacular if he showed up early, let the people of the Mushroom Kingdom feel that holiday cheer!”

The bouncer tries to let go but Mario holds on for a few more seconds before letting him.

“That’s… interesting. Where’s Luigi?”

“Oh, my great chum Luigi’s right behind me! Don’t want to spoil the surprise but between you and me…”

Mario leans into the bouncer’s ear.

“...I’m sure his entrance will really put that holiday spirit in everyone!”

Mario pulls himself back with a hearty laugh. The bouncer’s off-put as Mario forcefully extends his laugh.

“Hey Mario, are you okay? You’re not really acting like yourself with how… energetic you are.”

“What’d you just fall out of? The Leaning Tower of Pisa? Is it so harrowing this season’s festivities makes a carpenter jubilant? If I’m not Mario then Santa isn’t real!”

“Alright… then.”

Mario signs his name and the bouncer steps aside. Mario takes a step into the castle before turning to the bouncer.

“And one last thing: happy holidays!”

Mario enters the castle and sees hundreds of Toads celebrating Christmas. Every inch of the room is covered in lights, even the windows and ceiling. In the center is a giant Christmas tree covered by lights and ornaments with the star on its tip grazing the top. Mario focuses on the myriad of gifts under it. As he stares at them he moves to the food, passing by Toadsworth and his helpers.

“We’re almost done with this party. Splendid job all around! We’ve only got two issues to solve before the Princess finishes dressing: first, we need another person at the maintenance room to help with the ‘Christmas Special’ when the Princess shows up. Anybody want to do that?”

Most of Toadsworth’s helpers are tired and out-of-breath, a few laying on their backs as they listen. Behind them is the only Toad standing upright and not sweating profusely. Toadsworth makes eye contact with him and consequently the Toad bends his knees to hide amongst his fellow helpers.

“Alright, Tode will be doing it then.”

Tode gets up and groans as he walks to the maintenance room, taking his nutcracker staff with him.

“As for the second thing: who set up the gifts under the tree? I was going to do that but someone already did. It’s a nice gesture but I need to make sure the gifts are right.”

Toadsworth is responded by more heavy breathing.

“Nobody here did the gifts? Preposterous. Once again, I appreciate the chap who went out of his way to gift everybody and to excellently wrap them but it’s of utmost importance this is solved by tonight.”

One Toad stands up.

“You’re saying everybody got a gift?”

“Yes, even you Toadulf, I just-”

Toadulf sprints past Toadsworth to the tree and rummages through the gifts until he finds a big box that has his name. He rips it open and finds a Super Star. He sits in awe looking at it.

“This is the best Christmas ever!”

“Well… suppose that debacle is solved then. Well, though I do not know who wrapped the gifts or how he knew what to get for everyone, I again appreciate the gesture. Everyone’s work here is done. Feel free to enjoy the occasion. Cheerio!”

As Toadsworth dismisses his helpers Mario sits by the buffet, filling his plate with everything. He leaves with two plates of food and a cup of Eggnog, going to a corner of the room. He puts the plates by his chest and in five seconds finishes both. Still holding his Eggnog he walks to the tree and stares at its presents. As he admires the quality of the wrapping he puts his fingers between his mouth and whistles for half a second.

Though the room’s chatter is too loud for anybody to notice it he looks at the castle’s ceiling and sees his brother Luigi enter from one of the top windows. Dressed as an elf, he jumps between the pillar’s tops to reach the maintenance room. When he gets to the entrance he jumps down, opens the maintenance room’s door, enters, then closes it behind him. In front of him are two nutcracker-dressed Toads.

“When Peach arrives all I need you to do is press this button, okay?”

“Yeah yeah, I get it. This button, right?”

“No, THIS button! This one HERE that’s LABELED ‘Christmas Surprise,’ not the one all the way over THERE! No wonder your name is misspelled. The apple didn’t even leave the tree!”

As the Toads argue, each one pointing at different buttons, Luigi looks around and sees in the room’s corner a staff. He grabs it, lines it up with the side of the idiot Toad’s head, pulls it back, then with full force smacks Tode’s head.

POW

Tode flies into the door, still conscious and feeling all pain, then finally gets knocked out when he falls onto the floor head-first. The other Toad sees his “pal” flattened and runs to activate the intercom. Getting a few steps Luigi sweeps his legs with the staff, tripping him. As he tries to get up Luigi hits him, knocking him out.

BANG

Luigi walks over the bodies to the buttons. He scans the labels and pushes the button that turns the power off.

CLICK

The party’s lights turn off, leaving everybody confused. As chatter spreads on what happened Toadsworth’s sat eating with two of his helpers.

“Blimey! Why did I pick Tode to help with the lights? Could you two go to the maintenance room, turn on the lights, and even if he’s sleeping on the job again, wake him up and tell him to meet me here? I’ll go deal with the guests.”

Toadsworth turns the two towards the maintenance room.

“Keep going until you can feel the wall. Once you do, the maintenance room will be the fourth door on the right”

As the helpers slowly walk with their hands out to the maintenance room Toadsworth coughs a bit, hits his chest, then speaks up.

“Sorry for the difficulties everybody! We’ve had a bit of a technical mishap but it will be fixed!

As Toadsworth continues his speech vacuuming is heard.

“Everybody, stay calm as this issue gets sorted!”

When the helpers arrive at the maintenance room’s door one turns its knob but struggles to open it.

“Something’s wrong with the door.”

“Is it locked?”

“No, I can turn the knob. It's just hard to open it. I need you to help me push open the door.”

The two push the door open. It’s pitch black inside with the smell of flowers filling the room.

“I can’t see what button to press. Do you think we should just keep pressing buttons until something happens?”

“What? No! You don’t think there’s ever been an issue with the lights before? There’s gotta be a flashlight here we can use.”

“Where?”

“I don’t know, but it’s better to look for a flashlight than to randomly press buttons!”

The Toads slowly move around, feeling the area. While one touches a cabinet, opens it, and gets a flashlight, the other trips over something. The Toad with the flashlight turns it on, points it at the ground, and sees the other Toad tripped over a body.

“Oh man…”

The Toad turns the flashlight to the buttons, finds the one that turns the power on, and presses it.

When the main room’s lights come back on everyone cheers.

“Hurray!”

“How wonderful!”

“Yeah! The party’s still on!”

“SOMEBODY TOOK ALL THE GIFTS!”

Everybody turns to see all the gifts under the tree have disappeared. A slight panic fills the room as the helpers run to Toadsworth.

“Toadsworth! Someone got into the maintenance room and beat up the guys there!”

The room erupts into complete chaos as everybody panics. A few rush to Toadsworth to ask what he’s gonna do while others run out of the castle in fear of something happening to them. As they leave they pass a confused bouncer wondering why everyone’s leaving.

A minute away from the castle is Mario & Luigi walking there. They wear Christmas sweaters; Mario’s has a Super Star atop a Christmas tree while Luigi’s has a snowman. As they talk about their New Year plans Mario sees a bunch of Toads running out of the castle. Mario tells Luigi something’s happened and they need to check it out. Mario sprints to the castle. Luigi runs with him for a bit then stops when he hears jingling and something else.

“Ho ho ho!”

Luigi looks around, trying to find who said that. His investigation ends when Mario sees he stopped and yells at him to run. Realizing he forgot, Luigi runs without looking, trips, but catches himself before touching the ground and continues running.

Arriving at the castle’s entrance Mario & Luigi see the bouncer and ask him what’s happening.

“I heard somebody say that while the lights were off all the gifts got stolen and people got beat up. Things are bad enough as is so I’m staying here to make sure nobody else gets in.”

The bouncer points his staff at Mario.

“Why are you asking anyway? Aren’t you supposed to be at the party? I already crossed your name off and let you in.”

The bouncer shows Mario his signature on the clipboard. It’s two cursive N’s. Mario tells the bouncer that isn’t his signature and that he and Luigi just arrived.

“Oh no.”

The bouncer pushes the door open, letting Mario and Luigi in. They enter to see a panicked Toadsworth trying to quell everyone. A dozen nutcracker-dressed Toads enter and exit the main room, looking around to see who did it. Toadsworth sees Mario & Luigi and motions for them to come to him. They do.

“Masters Mario & Luigi, it’s been jungle law ever since the lights came back on. Some of the kingdom’s guards saw you here a while back yet they couldn’t find you amongst the chaos. They were told to bring you to me so I could give you two this.”

Toadsworth pulls out a letter and gives it to Mario & Luigi.

“This was the only thing left under the tree.”

On the letter is the following written in cursive:

“To: Mario & Luigi

From: NN”

They open the letter to find a Christmas card. The cover has “Merry Christmas” crossed out and replaced with “Goodbye!” Below the text is a Santa, his head replaced with Mario’s, the skin above his nose blacked out. They open the letter to read the following:

“Note: before reading this letter please give it to Toadsworth and tell him to read it aloud. I need someone who can speak English to spread this message.”

Mario & Luigi hand the letter to Toadsworth.

“Huh, why are you giving it back to me?”

They point at what they read.

“Hmmm.”

As Toadsworth raises his voice and reads the letter the crowd quiets.

“‘Dear Mario and Luigi,

What terrible delinquents the lot of you are. Gouging yourselves on sweets, having Christmas “joy,” mingling with the common man. It’s putrid! Not only do you squelch the hearts of others by continuing to exist as this ‘hero’ of humanity - a rank-and-file nimrod pretending to be an aristocrat - but you force others to follow your childish beliefs. ‘Santa,’ this great fiction you and your confidants propagandize children with, is none other than a boogeyman you use to force people to follow your leadership.

With the use of this ‘nice and naughty’ list no one has ever seen before you strike fear into the hearts of men, forcing them to obey your commands. Do you not realize the hypocrisy in these beliefs? If such a nice and naughty list were to exist - which it doesn’t - you and your co-conspirators would be on the naughty list while I - the writer - and those who have seen the truth would be on the nice list!

This Christmas party is nothing more than a way for you to instill the fear of being in the naughty list on others. ‘If you are on the naughty list Santa will give you coal’ is what you indoctrinate everybody, from kids to adults, with. Mario, your frivolous reign will be taken down by heroes such as me, and so too will your accomplices like your brother Luigi fall!

In spite of all I’ve said, if you still want to bask in your blood diamonds and continue living in your fantasy world with your ‘christmas spirit’ and ‘jolly gifts’ then look up. Look up and see who you should honor instead.

Goodbye Mario! Goodbye!’

Oh my, what a terrible message.”

Mario and Toadsworth look around to see Mario, still holding his glass of eggnog, and Luigi while Luigi looks up to the ceiling before correcting himself.

“What chutzpah! It’s the Impasta, here to ruin Christmas!”

Impasta drinks his Eggnog and looks around. To his dismay his inspiring message on the cruelties of Christmas and Mario have not caused a revolution.

“You permanent fools! Always taking Mario’s side, never mine! Always praising fictitious heroes, never real ones like me!”

As Impasta talks, the deer’s mouth on his sweater moves, his eyes disguised as two of the yellow lights on the deer’s antlers. Cosmic Luigi stands by him, still dressed as an elf.

“Always being on the side of the loser, never the winner! If that’s what you stooges want then fine, you deserve to be CONSUMED by your impulses. You deserve to be CONSUMED by me!”

Mario raises his fist at Impasta, Luigi trying to back up his brother by looking somewhat menacing. Impasta strolls to Mario while raising his Eggnog.

“Fine, if you want to lose then I’ll let you. Just let me get one last drink in.”

He puts the drink to his real mouth and pours it all down as he closes the distance. Still drinking he gets up in Mario’s face, throws the glass at Luigi’s head, then spits Eggnog in Mario’s face. While Mario’s stunned Impasta punches him in the stomach, sending him flying into the castle’s wall. Cosmic Luigi backs up Impasta by kicking Luigi into the same wall Mario’s in. The second hit to the wall causes the majority of remaining Toads, even the guards and helpers, to exit.

“How’s it feel Mario, knowing you’ll be consumed on the day of a fictitious holiday you helped propagandize?”

Only Toadsworth and a couple other Toads remain. They watch as Mario & Luigi get back up and fight Impasta & Cosmic Luigi. Mario strikes a good blow here and there at Impasta’s eyes, causing him to scream in pain. A couple of times Luigi somehow manages to dodge a few of his cosmic clone’s attacks before striking the clone with his elbow or knee, the stars on his clone’s body dissipating. Sadly though, naughtiness prevails over niceness. With Impasta & Cosmic Luigi using dirty tricks the fate of Mario & Luigi is too much for the Toads to watch. Toadsworth tries to sneak past them, to warn others on the other side of the castle to help out, but everytime he attempts to exit the castle’s main room Cosmic Luigi stops him.

Of the Toads remaining there’s Toadulf, still holding his gift. He watches the fight, unsure of whether to give his Super Star to the brothers. It’s his Christmas present after all, why’s he have to give it away? He only gets one a year! Would it really be worth using here? As he watches Mario get punched over and over and Luigi repeatedly kicked he realizes something: if Impasta wins this’ll be the Mushroom Kingdom’s last Christmas.

“Hey Mario & Luigi!”

Mario, Luigi, Impasta, and Cosmic Luigi look at Toadulf.

“Get this!”

Toadulf throws his Super Star at Mario & Luigi. Impasta & Cosmic Luigi try to intercept the Super Star but their time’s up. Mario & Luigi grab the Super Star and crush it in their hands. The two light up like a Christmas tree, tipping their caps to Toadulf before turning to Impasta & Cosmic Luigi.

BAM

Before Impasta & Cosmic Luigi can register it they’re flung across the room. Before the two can get up Mario & Luigi lay blow after blow into them. Mario picks up Impasta by the eyes and squeezes as hard as he can before throwing him into the ceiling and punching his eyes with both hands as he falls. Luigi repeatedly karate chops Cosmic Luigi before elbowing him, performing a weird yet effective combination of blows on him. The castle’s in ruins now. The room’s Christmas decorations have been turned to smithereens with holes in every table, chair, wall, and ornament. By the time their Super Star runs out Mario & Luigi stand tall while Impasta & Cosmic Luigi are on the ground gasping for air.

“Alright, alright! We give up! I’m struggling to move my arms, let alone my legs. We’ll give back the presents and get out of your hair.”

Impasta puts his hand out.

“Just give me a hand.”

Mario & Luigi huddle up and discuss whether they should help Impasta up.

“Come on Mario, don’t you have Christmas spirit in you? Can’t you give a helping hand to the downtrodden? In spite of everything I said, even I have a bit of Christmas spirit in me. Just help me up and I’ll give your gifts back and let you celebrate Christmas.”

Mario shakes his head and readies his leg to kick Impasta out of the castle.

“Well, it would've been funnier if you shook my hand but this still works.”

Cosmic Luigi comes behind the brothers and pushes them towards Impasta. Impasta jumps up and hammers both down.

POW

They fall to the ground as Impasta & Cosmic Luigi stand above them.

“It’s a shame you two aren’t even half as smart as the Mushroom Kingdom describes. Golly, just think of how they’re gonna characterize you in my history books. ‘Blockheads die in some fake holiday they propagated.’ Hey, if it makes you feel any better I might continue your stupid event but change a couple words around. Instead of Santa it’s my name and I decide who’s naughty and nice. I’m practically the real Santa anyway. All I need is some coal to throw at you two.”

“Ho ho ho! I have some coal just for you!”

Impasta quickly looks around.

“Who’s there? Reveal yourself!”

A stream of coal falls onto Impasta, covering his eyes in soot. The substance burns him, causing him continuous pain and to purge his stomach, vomiting the presents he stole. Cosmic Luigi jumps up and tries to punch the man but is instead trampled by a reindeer and thrown onto the ground. The figure slowly descends, revealing himself to be Santa Claus in his sleigh.

“Merry Christmas Mario & Luigi! How are you two doing?”

Mario & Luigi stare in awe at Santa.

“There’s no need to be scared boys! Why, I personally wanted to thank you two for doing such a terrific job defending Christmas! After all, we need people to stop these pesky grinches from ruining other’s jolliness. Wouldn’t you agree?”

While Santa talks to the brothers, Impasta clears the soot out of his eyes and tries to escape with Cosmic Luigi. After taking a few steps Santa picks them up by their collars.

“Take these two on the naughty list for example. Because you boys did your jobs of stopping these killjoys from ending the Mushroom Kingdom’s Christmas I can now give these two the coal they deserve!”

Impasta & Cosmic Luigi try to pull themselves away but Santa’s grip is too strong.

“Y’know Impasta? I really do believe that even you have Christmas spirit.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, so much so that I’m giving you and your pal a place to celebrate it in the South Pole.”

Santa pulls his hands back and throws them across the world as hard as he can.

“THIS WON’T BE THE LAST OF US! WE’LL GET ALL OF YOU!”

As the brothers watch Impasta & Cosmic Luigi disappear into the sky they, along with the few remaining Toads, give Santa a round of applause.

“Why, thank you all! I’ve still got some gifts to deliver so I’ll make this quick but is there a Toadulf here?”

Toadulf stands up.

“Yeah, I’m here!”

“Toadulf, do you know what’s the rule on opening gifts before Christmas?”

“Is it that you’re not supposed to do it?”

“Yes! Yet you still did it anyway. Typically, I frown on such actions. However…”

Santa rummages through his sack.

“...since you used your gift selflessly to help save the Mushroom Kingdom’s Christmas, I’ll make an exception.”

He pulls out a present bigger than Toadulf’s previous one and hands him it.

“Thank you so much Santa!”

“You’re welcome! And remember: don’t open it until Christmas!”
Toadulf nods.

“To everybody else here, I bring one more gift. The only catch is you need to close your eyes and count to three, okay?”

Mario, Luigi, and the Toads close their eyes.

“1…”

“2…”

“3…”

When they open their eyes the castle’s in perfect condition, no hint of damage found.

“Merry Christmas and God bless you all! Ho ho ho!”

Santa’s laughter echoes across the Mushroom Kingdom, bringing many of the guests who fled running back to the castle. They enter to see the “Christmas Surprise” already on, the thousands of Christmas lights in the room synchronized together to create an animation about two elves’ quest to save Christmas. Princess Peach, finally done dressing, enters.

“Oh my… Toadsworth, is this the Christmas Surprise you were spending all day setting up?”

“It’s a lot more complex than what I had in mind but with a few last-minute changes it worked out.”

“Last-minute changes? What happened while I was gone?”

“Ah, nothing much really. Just a bit of Christmas spirit was all that was needed.”

Epilogue

“I can’t believe it. How are we gonna get back to the Mushroom Kingdom?”

In the South Pole exists Impasta & Cosmic Luigi, and only Impasta & Cosmic Luigi. As Cosmic Luigi lays on the ground taking it all in, still dressed as an elf, Impasta walks in circles, rubbing his “chin.”

“Better question: how do we even get out of here? We’ve practically been shackled I say, shackled! The worst part is THEY cheated to win, getting Santa and a Super Star! Where’s our Santa and Super Star? If fairytale magic didn’t come in WE would’ve won it! Us! I would’ve been Santa! You would’ve had a million Super Stars! We would’ve naturally done what they had to make up to come true! It’s terrible! I hate Mario! I hate Luigi! I hate winter! I hate Christmas lights! I hate reindeers! I hate ornaments! I hate presents! I HATE ELVES! I HATE JINGLE BELLS! I HATE SANTA AND I ESPECIALLY HATE CHRISTMAS!!!!!!”

Impasta’s screaming stops as a bag of coal hits his head and the soot gets into his eyes again, knocking him out. Cosmic Luigi gets up and checks the bag to see a tag on it:

“Dear Impasta’s buddy,

I forgot to give you your gift.

Merry Christmas,

Santa.”