COMMENTS · BACK
hey guys here's a lot of stuff

---

twilight : 12am to 7am
day-time : 7am to 12pm
afternoon : 12pm to 7pm
night-time : 7pm to 12am
school : 7am to 4pm, 5 periods + lunch
recollection: make-up for a day

Wednesday, 4 june 25 : Afternoon

i'm eating fresh pomegranate and sitting at my desk. i was standing, harvesting the pomegranate, for quite a while. i was thinking mindlessly about if i would stand that long for other things. especially in my kitchen, which is hell, as i'm sure everyone reading agrees.

my skin is splattered with the magenta of burst jewels. i wonder how it will stain. soon, too, my fingernails will be yellow, from peeling the flesh. the jewels are a texture i've never felt before in anything else. its not often i find myself trying so hard to be careful with my fruit—and congratulating its progress when it ages. i like how the flesh and seeds work together and seperately. rotting flesh could be entirely seperate to the seeds. or a perfectly aged tight, rough, and shaped flesh, could be entirely seperate from rotting seeds. a while back, i opened what i figured to be a 'ripe' pomegranate, to learn it had a defect. the flesh was perfectly fine, but the seeds were rotted from the inside. only in...one area, though. the rest of the jewels were perfectly in tact and able to be eaten. sometimes, when chewing, you can feel them splatter over the bare areas of your mouth. it sort of reminds me how small they are, to be able to do that...

it is 26 c in my room. i typically keep it at 22 year round, but the heat is welcomed. i'm wearing a sweater, but not hot in the slightest, just warm. this pomegranate is my breakfast.

it has been one month since i started blogging here! how odd. it feels like it's been so so much longer. and yet, i can't believe it's already been a year since last summer. that's what school does to you, i think. today i'm not at school. i think everyone needs days off of school. it makes you more human.

Monday, 2 june 25 : School

period 3 ISS
goodness frekainggbggg gracious

Thursday, 29 may 25 : School

period five
i'm at tims

so. a few things. there's an overarching topic i need to touch on shortly. otherwise, i'm just wondering: is recognizing my to-be issues before they happen equal to those who let them happen?

now, not "let" like they can always stop it or its their fault, but rather specifically if they could.

i skip class as to avoid """triggering""" (not sure what to say) my Stupid Insane depressive episodes where i can't talk to anyone or do anything. is doing that? as correct? as it is to just go, then be depressed? i'm not sure.

on another note, one of my favourite writers just posted a life changing fic and i swear to god millions cheered

Monday, 26 may 25 : School

period one
how big must the reward be to actually get the work done. this is insane and i need to be shot and killed. verily. let me tell you. good grades for the sake of my future is NAWTTT as appealing as it's freaking made out to seem.

Friday, 23 may 25 : Night-time

there are a few things on the mind. so i'm deciding what to touch on. or, moreso, which is the most appropriate to talk about at all. orrr.. if there is an appropraite way to talk about a few of them?

there are some issues that are so deeprooted into my…other, issues, that there's no "appropriate" (only in quotes because i'm doing a callback i guess.) way to talk about anything even sort of related.

appropriate makes it sound like it's the topic's issue, but it's not. it's mine! because how do you even start to…it's sort of like trying to explain a niche reference that happens after a bunch of other stuff (my grain), like, there's no proper way to even start. or whatever it is, the proper way, isn't one that i'm particularly interested in going through explaining.

possibly, its moreso that they have no conclusions. when it comes to issues, typically tied to self esteem, i mean, to explain them while going through them, or agreeing with them, you're basically just arguing with whoever you're talking with.

there's a pretty high chance the person you're talking to–probably a friend–won't agree that you're ugly, or that you're an evil bad person. so it's much worse to even try explaining it, naturally, because it is in fact a bummer to feel the need to argue with someone about themselves–there realy is no getting some people to see other perspectives (on both themselves and otherwise).

so how do i go about explaining this niche part of myself, without getting into an arguement that sounds silly–to explain that it's possibly based in something that the person i'm speaking with probably doesn't even agree with me on. wel, like, i don't. which is unfortunateee.

recently, for me, it's little things. that i'd like to bring up, maybe–not in an accusation sort of way, like, "bringing attention to–but just mentioning. even in a nonchalant (hi Van) way. because it's so insanely deeply rooted there's literally just no point. even if the point–of the small thing–got across, it'd probably just feel sort of bad that the original big point is going to go unnoticed–despite that being a choice.

that's the preface 🎉

i myself am a judgy person. often times, when someone is speaking about something they care about, i'm probably unknowingly taking notes to bring up later, you know? like, they seemed a bit too caught up on this small detail–just to later learn it was a wholeee big thing. things like that. i have to wonder if anyone's ever put enough attention on anything i've said to take note of things like that. i assume not. which

well i have nothing more to say on that

today, …? this is hard to explain. there's a few people that could be reading this, but only a few of that few would know what i'm talking about. hi Maggie.

today i brought up the issue of someone (WHO I FUCKING HATE) slightly, in a small way, disregarding my trans-ness. which is fine. as a social friend, it is fine. obviously it matters to me, like, obviously. it was quite silly so i don't feel the need to fully explain what actually occured. all that matters, is, my absolute Goat (hi Van) happens to also be trans, yet, in the situation, apparently, actually regarded as his gender. and i said this at the time i was explaining it, trying my absolute hardest to make it seem like super Not a big deal–though not that i thought anyone would ever be reading into or taking note of my words, thank god–but it is. there…are a lot of differences between me and my goat here. i assume, however, it was due entirely to our appearances. as, he, in my opinion, could pass as cis very easily. (personality & mannerisms included). all of these things are working against me, so i do understand why this would happen.

i just tend to forget. like, really truly forget that appearances matter so much. they really do, and i'm not some special case that doesn't take note of people's appearances, it's just regarding myself.

see, in my mind, i haven't gotten a haircut in a while. becauseee…i havent seen my dad in a while, and i typically go with him. but to others, i guess, (believe or not), this is irrelevant, and i just look like a girl? with like, long ass hair? (long relatively). and that's just crazy to me! to me, i don't have long hair at all. because i, to me, look like a boy. and seeing myself with long hair is horrendous, not because i look like a girl–because, to me–that just would never happen. to me…well i remind myself of this kid i used to know, eli. it was sixth grade i think. he had long hair, and it was always braided. he got made fun of for it, being a boy with long hair, but i don't think he minded or anything. i just look like…an awkward sixth grader boy with long hair, to me. it's genuinely insane, to me. to me. To Me, that anyone could see otherwise. but apparently, they truly do. and i saw the effects of it in real life. and it wasn't very nice.

but how can i even start to talk about that? like, in a normal casual way, i could tell i was being profiled? it's just so much worse coming from someone who you'd (BEFORE YOU KNEW HE NEEDS TO FUCKING DIE) assume would respect you. or at least lack the audacity to pull some insane shit like choosing your friend to be a boy, but, like, not you.

so i need a haircut i guess. like soon. but it's summer soon, so i'm not too worried. it'll happen.

i had wanted to write about this the day that it happened. but then it occurred to me, that, at the time, my only reader was Maggie. hi Maggie. and, at the same time, it did occur to me that she is. in fac.t tt… not transgender. which is just.. i mean……like ya….. but it's hard to. think that anyone who doesn't live it would understand how it feels. which is probably true, you know, but also, maybe that's being a bit too edgy or tryhard unique. like, siighh no one could understand being misgendered–of course, lol, many people are misgendered trans identity aside. i'm not sure. it was a lot to think about, so i ended up not writing about it. and what does it imply for my goat, Van? that he should feel bad? well that's fucking insane. so it'd be an arguement, really. the sort i was talking about earlier. i try really hard to avoid that kind of argument. i learned that it really really does only make people feel worse to like…try to convince them why your self deprecating views are correct. there is truly often nothing they can do to change your mind, and it's a shitty way of asking for reassurance. and it hurts as the other person, too, you know.

i have two blogs. one is here, on /ngh, and the other is on a bearblog, where i rant about shit that i don't want to write in my notebook because it's far easier to type. i was wondering earlier what exactly splits the two–like, how do i decide what topics go where. there are some obvious answers, like, xav posting goes here, and all caps breakdowns go there. but what about stuff like this? i'm still not sure. this will be on /ngh anyway, but i have to wonder if it'd go there had i planned all of this out before. it feels sort of like a loss to write all of that just for no one, to see it though. if it went on the other blog, i mean.

mm. but it's hard. i had more to add on to this, but it truly is something i'd probably typically not put here, had i thought about it before?

and i'm not going to put it here. or elaborate on my point like i wanted to. that is OK

i'll elaborate on what i was talking about yesterday, about eito. I Guessss if i Like Have To Talk about EIto lololol.

i explained, in my notebook, that the reason i had started comparing us, is because of fandom culture…actually. it reminded me of how people talk about me, lol. see, a lot of important people in my life tend to very casually talk about me like they want me out of their life, but like, at the same time, could never, because i'm too 'monumental' or something. like, i've been there for too long? or made too big a difference. to leave. which is pretty lame. a pretty lame way to talk about someone to their face, i think.

i was associating it with fandom culture because of Eito. it's not often i'm invested in a game with–especially considering how little i've played, realy–such an interesting character. komaeda is. close. if you're curious. it's sort of easier to talk about it in relation to komaeda, so i guess i will.

people in the fandom either love or hate nagito komaeda. but you may note that even his fans, like, low key do hate him, because he's fucking insane, and evil. they tend to just see both his extreme goods and bads at the same time, and understand exactly why he did both, you know. a very authentic character (late-game, anyway).

and that felt similar, to me. in my notebook, i have a little drawing. there are two sliders. the left side is labeled "bad" and the right is labeled "good". on one, the dot is in the centre, and the other, there are two dots, on either ends. i think a lot of people who have a love-hate relationship with a complicated character, tend to think of it as the second slider—both their best moments and their worst.

while it does work for komaeda—and eito, i guess, it doesn't feel very nice to be spoken about that way. like as if i am in fact very evil but who gaf. it feelsss. like anything i say could be used against me, as in, like "well i've always said you were evil". if you feel me. the people close to me, they say "i'd be mad at you, but you're ray." and i'm not sure what the hell that even means, frankly, but i guess it's their way of saying they just hold too much love for me to acknowledge or gaf about my apparent bad behaviours. and, its like, guys, i'm. i don't know. not some villain to be forgave by you. but apparently! i am mistaken, and that is in fact the case.

i tell a lot of people i have cognitive dissonance. because after a lot of people telling me i'm like, a liar, and evil, or whatever, but only low key, i guess it gives you that? so i like prefacing. like, hey, just so you know, i may be evil, and may lie, but i'm not sure when or why. and maybe that's true. i obviously. still don't know. i just know that those who do care and love for me, tend to like, also hate me low key. maybe they are just all disordered. why would i know.

i have to wonder if it's worth it, though. like being treated like that. perhaps it makes me feel more authentic. to be both soooooo openly Evil and Bad and also trustworthy or whatever people think i am. i think it is, probably. i imagine part of that "i cant be mad at you" stuff is due to being too authentic. like it's hard to blame someone who acknowledges stuff, cuz, to a lot of people, acknowledgement is like? it…revokes? everything done?

which is insane, by the way. or…rather than insane, just sad. to think that some people live like that.

it's only recently, like, the last two years, probably, that i've been authentically liked. like, actually—i am compelled to mention, i do have like, a few real ones, im not that lonely. i do have friends. Innon.---but seeing many feel the same way isn't great.

mm i think my point was just i hope that i do see that sort of behaviour and dissonence in eito. that'd be cool. i think i will, low key! and then maybe i can love him and hate him at the same time, continuing the cycle oooohohooooooooooooOOoo.

i think Callah and Van are asleep. they're on Maggie's bed. watching the oH! oh. oh. Callah is moving. perhaps barely awake? i'm not sure, and too scared to yell out. watching the rookie. Erica—my goat btw—is asleep next to me, and fell asleep to me explaining mouthwashing lore—and Maggie was there too, offering little comments "little comments"---in chronological order. Macey fell asleep not too long ago. she was awake, apparently, like, physically. she was Physically Awake. mentally gone. ERICA JUST STIRRED! huge news guys. Oh?

What is that? You met me through rentry, and you have no idea who any of these people are? sillyyy goose. yes you do. Thanks for reading Mari and Lain and others.

I'll attach photos tomorrow since i gotta be home for that. just know that Van's nonchalantness will last generations. no joke. No Joke. i wouldn't fucking joke about that. shit is not funny.

ok thanks

Thursday, 22 may 25 : Night-time

hello! i'm...doing chores. i sat down, just now, pausing doing my laundry, to start writing this. it was sort of scaring me how long its been. i've just been present, and sleeping, mostly. yesterday, i slept all day after school, and did nothing of note during. the days before, i've been streaming hundred line to my friends, and doing school work, generally. school, chores, hundred line, sleep, basically.

it's been wonderful. you can ask Van if you'd like (if you could), and he could tell you it's every day that i say some iteration of "i love my friends". because i do. and i've never felt respected before now. that felt sort of out of place to say, because to me, it makes sense, but i suppose reading, it sounds odd. it's just true. not much to elaborate on. i realised i once said on here "i myself never feel particularly respected". well, i do now. or i think so. it's wonderful.

the only thing of note that occured today, is me and Macey were late to our math quiz 'cuz we went to tims. it was fun and silly. i paid! i had money! awesssomeee.

every day at school, i basically just lock in, and, once locked out, talk and think and write about hundred line. it's quite good. i like eito a lot.

i have a notebook that i write in often, about my feelings and whatnot. i said once, in the notebook, i think i like it because physically writing takes up time. i often skip class to go to tims to write in it. seeing a page full of words, and bad drawings, makes me happy. it feels like i've done something, you know? there's a proper record of my time spent. it's...sort of similar to this.

today, i wrote a page using first person plural pronouns. it's because the topic was a comparison between myself & eito aotsuki. i won't get in to it—i never would, to be clear. get "in to" anything i write about in my notebook. it's not in the question. but i care to explain the topic (properly) and the conclusion anyway.

i discussed the impulse to lie, for whatever reason. primarily foundationally and circumstansially. i theorize that eito lies both of these ways, for the purpose as to set up people feeling both ways about him. pitying him, for his lies, and then praising him, for his overcoming. i discuss and wonder if he particularly believes them, and, reflect upon myself, if i believe my own lies—if they are that—about myself. perhaps rather than lies, they're set-ups for people to use against me—us, in this case—making it easier to handle dislike. if that makes sense to any of you.

i mention being thought of as an ill pet. perhaps lovable, due to time, likely, but an inconvience anyhow. not being able to have standards, but getting over that using one's love (through time together). i wonder if eito will continue to be related to this, for me.

well i'm not sure. as i write in my book: "WHO KNOWS!"

it's exam weeks soon, then school is done. that's...scary.

Wednesday, 21 may 25 : Photos

me and macey's sorted skittles

chase's awesome posture

Tuesday, 20 may 25 : Photos

van and i's tims, on the way back for lunch
yes i had to set them down
and i figured i'd take a photo
no i wasn't posing

the gang

Sunday, 18 may 25 : Afternoon

added stuff to the other days,,,

Saturday, 17 may 25 : Recollection

(Sunday, 18 may 25 : Afternoon)

after leaving Graysons house the next day, i went home for an hour, showered, and visited Macey's house. Maggie was there too. we hung out for about five hours. we talked a bit about a play the two are planning, which i got to suggest things for, and discuss, which was...like, well, an honour to do. it's really cool. hopefully i'll get to tell you about it when i learn more, and in the future. we went outside and looked for birds, and bones, and rocks and things. we also had some bomb snacks. after heading home, i played 100 line for a few hours, before getting tired far too early into the night. me, Van, and Callah, also voiced the first 20 mins of 100 line. it was fun.

the ride to macey's house

macey

maggie

macey's cat

the three of us

macey's other cat

awesome snacks

macey's dog, pi

Friday, 16 may 25 : Photos

added after the fact, a few days after sunday—i forgot to add them before.

ryan's...prime


tims shenanigans
collective skipping btw

macey's beautiful portrait

ryan and van...doing something?
unclear.

Friday, 16 may 25 : Recollection

(Sunday, 18 may 25 : Afternoon)

me and Grayson had lots of fun. i got to take a school bus for the first time in so, so many years. i miss taking the bus a lot, so it was fun! we went on a walk to the gas station and got some snacks, then came home and watched a few horror movies. we were up til 5AM watching them, but it was so worth.

the bus we took

grayson's cat, figi

grayson's cool ass shelf...

some trees on the way to the gas station

the gas station

more trees and the water refinery

Friday, 16 may 25 : School

period 5
yesterday, i didn't write for the very first time. frankly, it was, put simply, far too good of a day to spend writing. but i'll tell you about it anyway i guess!

i'm back! it's still period five, but i just got done writing the thursday recollection. it's almost 4:10! when it is, i'll be going to sleepover with my friend, Grayson. I'm pretty excited.

i think i passed the test i finished. i'm happy with it. i have a lot of outstanding work, but it'll be okay.

today was pretty good. almost like thursday. only issue is that i had--had, lol--to skip a class today. law...which i've never skipped. i love law! but, see, i realized i may have a test, and if we did i'd be fucked. i completely forgot, which is unusual for me. perhaps we didnt, because the internet has been down so we're behind, but who knows? not something i was willing to risk, at all.

in other news, i was thinking about my grammar on here, a bit. if you're curious, i do have rules. i think when people see no caps unless stylized, they think lazy. in fact, lol, rather, i need to try not to use proper punctuation. i actively consistently tend to go fix my natural "I'm"'s and capitalizations. it's possible someone may have noted that i do properly captializate my friend's names. this is because i love them Lol they deserve propre capitalization.

i should get going. i don't think there's much more to note of today, anyway. of course i have photos i'll upload tomorrow, though. (tomorrow since i'm sleeping over at my friend's house). i... just realized i could've uploaded them right now, since this laptop is old and probably has an sd reader. aw...

Thursday, 15 may 25 : Recollection

(Friday, 16 may 25 : School)

i spent a lot of time outside. it was very hot, just like the day before.

in first period, we did a whole lot of nothing, but i got to embarrass this guy that pisses me off...he kept fucking up cutting carrots very simply. so i got to do everything. he made a bad joke about being a 'crackhead', so once i commented, he retracted it, all like: "haha youre right thats stupid idk why i even made that joke because its not funny..." it was...very funny to do. we were just prepping food to eat the next day (today, as of writing this).

second period was good. we did a lot of nothing, as there was still no internet.

in third period, my teacher read a short story to us. it was good! i told my mom about it on the way home, then

at lunch, my friends had planned to get ice cream from mcdonalds. i hate mcdonalds, in a lot of ways, for various reasons, so i told them i wouldn't be attending. nonetheless, i showed up while they were there. it was nice, because i think they thought they wouldnt see me during lunch (as thats not uncommon). after being in there for roughly 2 minutes, i wanted to die, so i walked over to tims and asked my internet boyfriend (hi innon) to buy me my order. he did! and he upped the size of my lemonade, which was very nice of him to do. it lasted longer and made me pretty freaking happy. after lunch was about half over, i walked around to find my friends. i ended up sitting on some concrete by the school, before Van (SHOUTOUT VAN) was walking up to me! it turned out they were all sitting outside in a patch of shade under a tree. i, too, like sitting outside during lunch, but not on grass (or anything on grass), but i went with Van anyway. there were a whopping 21 people there! friends of friends. (shoutout maggie and van for reminding me of the number "21" after i asked them to). standing was nice. my legs didn't hurt at any point, or anything, probably because i was sitting while at tims. the sun was so warm, and the colours were so vibrant. everyone was very pretty and handsome (respectively) (not respectively as in "each gender", but simply each person that was pretty and or handsome, as individuals). everyone was having fun, and was happy. that's what made them so pretty, in my opinion. they naturally were as well, though. i took a few photos that i will add here when i get home.

fourth period, me and Macey (SHOUTOUT MACEY!) went to ISS to do a test. it was alright,,,i didn't end up finishing mine, so i finished it today. Macey also gave me my very own cult bracelet! i've wanted to join forever, so it's an honour. there were multiple colours. green, blue, and brown. they were all very beautiful, but i choose the blue one bceause blue is my colour. we stayed here during period five, too.

at home, i was very active on tettrato. it was pretty fun. i interacted with drama, shitposted, and got a lot of attention, LOL. this was only later into the night, though. in truth, when i got into the truck, i had realized my mom was waiting for 20 minutes, and she was late for something. she was very upset about it. after a while, she felt much better, and we chatted about my day. it was very lighthearted, and the weather was still perfect. when i got home, i slept for a little while, two hours, and woke up to my mom having gotten me tims for dinner! it was now that i was on tettrato.

it was a very nice day. i love my friends a lot. what a good day.

the girls

macey

callah

Wednesday, 14 may 25 : School

period 4
right now, i'm sitting in math class, which is my fourth period. next, i have welding, and then i am done for the day! the school has no wifi at the moment. lol bug. bug bug bug bug bug. sorry, macey (MACEY SHOUTOUT!).

i'm unnerved. i'm in far too good of a mood. it's offputting, and sort of pissing me off!

i spent my day yesterday, which i skipped, mind you, miserable. today i am joyous, and looking forward to like, doing my schoolwork and living my life or whatever. that's horrible. i hadn't even realized, really. that i was genuinely truly miserable for hours and hours yesterday. i didn't realize. i really just needed to see my friends, i guess!

i'm going to recount my morning. for future mine's sake.

i woke up at about 7:50. this is abnormal, which you'd have known if you know me, for sure. it's because at about 12 last night, i made a few conclusions.

1. i did not do any work on my day off. and i still won't. i will not procrastinate my sleep in "hope" to do work, while doing nothing, leaving me sleep deprived.
2. i will get a good sleep.

and i did! it was nice. my mom called me, to wake me up, and she said to get into the shower before 8:20 so i'd stop being late. i agreed.

i chatted with my friends, various of them, until 30. i didn't feel the usual despair about time, though. i was thankful and i laughed about it, before having a nice shower.

i got out far earlier than i thought i would--a solid 5 minutes early!!!--and got my laundry from the night before. i had... put it in far too late, so i had to change it before the shower.

i realized at this point, that i didn't put detergent in the machine, and had now "washed" and dried my clothes for basically no reason.

my mom found it funny--i wasn't sure if she would, or if she'd sort of non seriously be upset about it.

i had to gather various things for my bag, now. water bottle, notes (as if i actually used them, lol), camera in camera holder, which attaches to my jeans, if you're curious, and keychains and...coins, for tims, this morning--i'd already planned for the project i didn't finish the day before, and i wasn't stressed at all about missing a class--still not.

it's 8:57 now. i'm finding other proper clothes, and grabbing my shit all together. i...was walking to the living room, when i thought about my camera.

see, last week, it was a very nice day, but i had left my memory card at home in my computer.

so i went and checked, despite being pretty sure it was in my camera, since i recalled taking photos off it THEN putting it back.

as it turns out, it was still in my computer! i had extracted photos twice in the same day, so i didn't remember the second time.

i took a lot of photos and videos of my friends and i today, because we're all so cute and we had...like, matching outfits basically. we were all wearing our primary colours and just all unique, like, as Maggie said, (SHOUTOUT MAGGIE), "Disney channel characters". except i need..."a scarf", apparently.

so today's good so far. i guess. i'm not sure when that happened. this morning? did a good sleep really cure me? does it do that?

any way, it's awesome.

period five

so we're not doing anything in welding. it's really nice outside, though. there's a sturdy wind. enough to push the trees around, and stuff. but it doesn't feel even a little bit cold, because it's just so hot out. if i had internet, i'd check exactly how hot! i'll...check later, and put it right here: 27°C. <- if this says "blank" when you're reading it, then, like...wait.

the skies are clear, entirely. there are many people, where i'm sitting. it's under a wooden pavilion, a short distance from the garage door attaching the parking lot to the welding area indoors.

there are many groups of people out. across the pavlilion, which is decently sized, is a small class of students. they're grade 11, like i, and i can't tell what class they're in. they're all holding clipboards and being told to "read the case". i don't think it's law, though?

i might go ask. the teacher.

nevermind! the girl i'm sitting with asked one of her friends in the class. its marketing. that makes sense. i didn't even know that was a class.

their papers keep flying off of their clipboards because of the wind. it's making me think of Noel. i wonder if he has a cheap clipboard? or maybe he used to, and he bought a better one with his personal money a few years in.

i suspect the group of boys also has 12th graders, though. a few of them are...tall and larger, and have tattoos.

there were some girls sitting on benches nearby, for a bit. i think they went inside--well, i'm not sure where else they would go--i wasn't looking.

one of the guys keeps jokingly trying to kiss the other, and spitting water everywhere. they're...being really fruity, generally.

a bit further than the benches the girls were sitting at, and on the opposite side of the pavilion, is another large area with a lot of picnic tables. they're filled with students as well. perhaps they're part of the marketing class? a few of them are--the teacher that was over here is chatting with a few of them over there, so...

every time i look up, the guy spitting water is already looking at me. it's pretty annoying. i...just spilt water all over myself while trying to drink out of my bottle without the lid. goodness gracious bro

i like that the school has no internet. not for reasons pertaining specifically to like, not being able to use the internet itself, but it's the community.

i...have a lot of time. still thirty minutes. i'm going to explain a topic i like. thanks!

at home, i am at peace, and most productive, when the usual is interrupted. i need routine and change at the same time, personally. i need routine--to know what works--and change--to keep it interesting.

at home, i am the absolute happiest on special days. i have a few examples, i guess...like, when my parents go out unusually late at night. that's...so fun. it motives me. it gets us talking. it is fun. they're out of it too. we bond.

or when my brother talks to me, for whatever reason. change brings people together.

the entire school has no internet right now. it's awesome...i have something to talk about with people.

of course, people may argue that not being on the internet is the thing bringing us together. to a degree, probably, but people are on their phones almost just as much without internet. waiting. of course, if this was routine, they probably wouldn't be on their phones anxiously waiting.

i just...love change. i love change. i love going out at night, and seeing people i usually don't, and acting kind of odd and far too friendly in public. routine being changed is awesome. but there needs to be a routine for this to be fun, don't get me wrong.

Tuesday, 13 may 25 : Afternoon

today i am joyus. i'm not at school, because i made a slideshow for my mom convincing her to let me stay home. i'm doing work and watching youtube. I MISS TAKUMI bro. typically in dangan style games (maybe just visual novels...) i'm in it deep because of the antag or other. togami and kyoko, komaeda and fuyuhiko (+ the rest of the case, dgrp2 has such a good cast man), k1-b0 and angie...

but, like, here, i'm like. just kind of invested in takumi sumino. i mean, eito is. well he's something. but i'm still going to love the routes without an emphasis on him, i think. (i'm assuming there are, considering the sheer amount of routes.) hiruko seems cool and whatnot, and sirei is cute.

i'm mostly excited to learn about takumi. i'm almost confident there's more to him, genuinely. i feel like the whole thing...the way he is, seems like...high key, a way to simply poke fun at danganronpa. i do love makoto though. i just...really can not see takumi being entirely. kaura ? generic ? mundane ? guy. i hope there's more to kaura too. from what i'm seeing, all of the female characters are pretty interesting. kaura is the most...like...objectified. as someone only in relation to takumi (of course this makes sense to a degree), but i hope we get to learn about her seperately, and therefore learn more about takumi.

i know this may be hard to believe, especially regarding all of the above content, but. it is the truth. nonetheless.
i went outside today! it's very nice. about 18 °C.

the grass is very green, the sky is very blue, and the sun is warm.

there are some cirrus (?) clouds, as well! pretty!!!!

hello, i'm back! i have something to say. this is moreso a note for future me. before i forget.

i'm starting to think what i need is like. to sit and think. maybe for likee... hours. about...a previous life.

now, i'm not religious. (obligatory note: i mean to say i'm not religious in any notable way. no, i'm not perfectly atheist or something—most aren't, i don't think. not thinking about religion doesn't...make you an atheist, you know? like inherently.) by religious, i am generally meaning like...spiritual as well. i'm none of that.

i do not particularly (at the moment) believe in any sort of life after death, inherent life purpose, anything relating to the origin of sentience or humans (other than of course a general siding with "science", as i've never really looked into it. ancestors of types of monkeys or something. big bang. or something).

all i think i need...is to think about it enough to get it somewhat into my head. that maybe this isn't my first life.

as someone with ADHD, i have a very very hard time with timelines, and caring about my future self. i do not "learn from (my) mistakes" as many do. i take punishment and level it, you know? if you have ADHD, you likely do. doing the bare minimum always, even when it's overall negative, all that matters is the current moment.

so perhaps it'd be nice to think that this is my second chance. my chance to do things properly. there's a guilt that we all get, where we sit and think "god, i really do wish i could understand how bad it would feel and get over it—get it over with. but i didn't. and i won't in the future. oh well". maybe this would help that? thinking that no time is wasted time, and i should simply prioritize joy and progressing my life in ways i care about.

you know? maybe i'll give it a try. i was wondering where this came from. i think it was a tumblr post i saw a long time ago? or a poem? likely... on tumblr? let me go look, i'll be back.

as expected, i can not find it. from what i recall, it was a poem. or poetic anyhow, and i associated it with a lot of things. when i listened to the birds i remembered just the notion of it, and stuff like that. i believe it was about how if you were given a chance to relive your life, you would likely appreciate smaller things more, because you'd not have realized how it was without them. standard stuff i think.

Monday, 12 may 25 : Twilight

i'm thinking of romance. which isn't abnormal, since i read and generally consume a lot of romance—as well as find it a pretty interesting subject that...comes up in many ways, in everyday life.

see, i don't understand romance persay, but i (like most, understanding aside) still yearn for the effect. as some of you reading may know, i have an Internet Boyfriend whom i love Oh So Dearly. and, as i've gone over many...times, many people think that our relationship is genuine romantic love.

i'm personally at a point where defining something as "romantic" is meaningless and extra, no matter how "romantic" it is. it's sort of just easier to not! so why...wouldnt i just do that!!! so i do whatever i want...and its great.

it just makes me sort of sad that more people don't experience this, and also that i probably will never understand what many consider romance. it's...certainly not ideal, to hypothetically explain to someone my personal concept of not referring to romance and simply being, as that's unnerving apparently. i personally extremely dislike when people are romantically interested in me (not to say that's common lol), because i already know i wouldn't want to return it the same way they'd need! which is just sooo. unfortunate and sad. in my opinion, or, rather, the way it is for me: a romance stems from friendship. true, actual friendship. this, too, of course, has many definitions and ways of being true. maybe not what many think of—"best friends" that talk every day about everything—but something else, more unique, and subtle. every friendship is unique, you know...so they're all equally as possible to be 'romantic'. to separate the two...must be a lot of work. or, rather, a lack of work put into your relationships!

i like having different types of relationships, personally. ones where titles can mean something, and others where they don't. but in my opinion, they should never really mean EVERYTHING. they should be fun to use. and for things like that to be fun, there has to be communication...proper communication. a kind that i think a lot of people rather not have. like, not communication that revolves entirely on the relationship (the inbetweens of people), but the individuals, and their feelings on the inbetweens. like a solid 60% the people and 40% the "us". there has to be...understanding of each person. not just what's relevant to you. you know?

but i think that a lot of people simply do not care to think about other people like that. in complicated ways. which is unfortunate. to care for someone but to not...want to complicate them? well it'll happen eventually. and i think a lot of reasons people have for bad things happening, like, could have been avoided with some care. about people as people themselves. or whatever.

i think there are a lot of people who may understand why i feel this way and feel the same way. i hope they too understand all the stuff about labels and using them. i hope. of course, sorry, again, a label can have and carry lots of meaning. but they should be spoken about. and it doesn't EVERRRR. need to be in the stupid stupid formal way a lot of people seem to think. there's...in fact...no way you need to do anything. isn't that crazy? you can just say whatever you want. and you can listen to people do the same. maybe eventually they'll be your internet boyfriend. ever think of that? hm?

(gosh, and this doesn't even. like. mention how much everything we do carries LOVE. and when you think of love in limited, boxed ways, it ruins some of the fun. my love is not bound to your ? ridiculous rules of romance. "dating" or not i can love. and no label can change...how much weight that carries. thinking otherwise is just plain silly. why would you want to put yourself in a box??? do you fear love? it must suck living that way. truly. it's for this reason as well i don't particularly label myself as "aromantic". my love may be romantic, but whether it is up to your standards of what that means...well that's not my issue. there's no way so many people can believe that by making a list of mannerisms and calling it "romance" that can simply sum it up, right? and you all understand? so you need...to talk. and come to your own terms. with every single person in your life. is what i think. because you should truly love every single person in your life. you really really should.)

(you want to spend your life with them. you want to live with them. you want to see them all of the time. you want to see them happy—be the person making them happy. you want them to care about you. you want to take care of them while they're ill. you want to be ill together. you want to do silly things together. you want them to understand you—and for you to understand them too. you want to be authentic around them. you want to put up an act around them. you want them to think you're funny, you want to laugh at their jokes: you want them to feel your love. why must this be integrated into dating culture? why can't this love be true no matter "platonic" or "romantic"? like youre LAME!!!)

Sunday, 11 may 25 : Night-time

today, i'm thankful (as always, as of late).

mostly for...being known. i sometimes find myself looking forward to a day i'm in a place where i'm unrecognizable, in all of my...identifiable forms. but mostly just "me", you know?

but right now, there are people out there who do recognize me. and the people who associate me with positive things outweigh the vice versa. that's a really nice thing to have. as i've said a thousand times before, i'm okay living alone. and, moreso, as a person, it's easier if people dislike me—for typical reasons—so i often preferred it, and couldn't manage positive relationships of any sort.

yet here i am! multiple different sorts of positive relationships. what an honour it is to be able to have those.

and even if these people don't "know" me, they recognize me. and that's...well, the first step to being known, i'd think. to be recognized as an individual. as what you are!

as a trans person, this can be...an issue. and it's true, at times, even those i'm speaking of don't seem to recognize me as what i am, surface levelly, but that's alright i think. its better than otherwise for sure.

i'm thankful to care about people in my real life over people online. i used to fret often regarding recognizability online. but less so, these days. lucky me!

Saturday, 10 may 25 : Night-time

i don't remember anything i did today. i've been listening to Soldier Boy by The Shirelles for a few hours now. it's...i don't know. i can't comment.

i miss my friends. i was excited for the weekend, but...i just miss my friends. perhaps i could ask one of them to hang out? perhaps. i have an extra day off, so...

earlier, i made myself a sandwich. willingly. that's awesome. i suck at cooking and i also have no...? hunger? ADHD whatever...so i'm proud. it was good. (a breakfast sandwich, mind you; i don't like most normal sandwiches.)

lately, i've been thinking about respect. i think..i respect a lot of people. i hope that comes across in my actions—but how often do people think of respect at all? i feel like most (my age, anyway) just think of..."feelings". generally. maybe "polite"ness? but respect...?

i wonder why i feel this. maybe its not true. or maybe it is, and there's an explaination as to why.

at the same time, i myself never feel particularly respected. so perhaps i'm part of the issue. you never know, i guess...

i...think i'll try harder from here on out, i guess...to make others feel respected.

Friday, 9 may 25 : School

period one
I WANT TO GO HOME I WANT TO GO HOME HOLYYY MOLY i am so excited for the weekend. last weekend i thought this weekend would NEVER COME and its a long weekend too!!!!

today i'm skipping first to go to tims with Callah (CALLAH SHOUTOUT). she's locking in on geoscience. in front of us is this guy, who clearly planned to meet with someone in particular. the guy who met him is talking like the most stereotypical like insurance scammer in the entire world it's... insane. he's getting the guy to look at their partners and banks and whatnot. he's apparently a member of something? and that's why they're meeting? the guy is talking about like a "free of charge" lawyer and cheaper cars hotels and gas? i somehow...doubt this. he's asking about tariffs and whatnot too. he keeps saying that you can actually SHARE it with your friends and family and whatnot! wow... what an awesome program!

apparently the guy has been part of this program for 30 years. and his card is still "on file", so he's still paying for the program. the guy is saying the program is non profit BUT he wasss wonderringgg if the guy would pay an extra 3 dollars per month... just wondering.

the program is apparently for independant businesses. coffee shops, plumbers, whatnot. he keeps talking about irving and being anti costco, which is KILLING ME BRO

period four
the line between selfishness and self preservation must be determined by anyone but the person doing it, i guess. its subjective. though subjective, there is of course some sort of general natural agreements people come to.

that's so unfair, though. who is anyone else to decide what's needed for someone's self preservation? it's unfortunate.

but, at the same time, i wonder how many people that simply 'keep the peace' in their life, aren't doing some sort of duty to those around them, and that i would consider selfish.

so i was thinking about it. who i consider selfish. and i'm not sure that the general selfish i speak of is even what i feel!

personally, i think i truly may feel as though selfishness and self preservation are one in the same, and can simply be positive or otherwise, depending on intent and care.

if someone is always selfish, perhaps they have a reason, you know? but it's not my fault if i can't stand to be around that. no matter how much support i owe them, it hurts others all the same, self preservation and selfishness. why seperate them?

i wonder how others think of i. recently, i have been very very self preserving (from my pov anyway). i talk to who i please when i please, in a somewhat rude manner, some find.

i wonder if others see this as self preservation or selfishness. or if they even consider preservation? it probably depends on how they've been treated in their life. and i can't blame anyone for that.

Thursday, 8 may 25, Night-time

the debate is always about what is worth it to say, or to express. it's not often i find myself doing things simply because i want to. rather, i need to put effort into doing things i don't want to do, because it's worth it. more commonly, this debate is regarding speech, and self-expression between individuals. what's worth it to point out? what conversations are worth starting? and how likely am i to regret it, or where it leads?

edit: please note that despite this, it is my belief that, for others, it is always worth it.

perhaps not in such dramatic ways like the words chosen may evoke. like, if i'm in a bad mood, should i text them? will i want to keep up a conversation? am i going to behave normally enough to converse as expected? will a conversation change our relationship? will my words change our relationship?

i wonder the percentage of time people spend thinking about that actively. i often think i'm not an overthinker, because 'overthinker's tend to stereotypically (from what i understand), be making shit up. but this is real, isn't it? that's how people think...maybe in more serious situations. when bad news is given to them, then their mind will be on their words. so is it truly useless for me to think about that all the time?

i have a question i guess. what percentage of ""overthinking"" ends up being a) accurate, and b) worth it? (of course, both definitions according to yourself. they can vary, literally speaking).

i think mine would be a solid 70 & 80 percent.
a lot of my thinking goes to waste because it's done privately and not regarding active moments. otherwise, 70 90.

today i went outside, and listened to the birds. the thinking didn't go away, like some people suggest it does, but it feels less relevant, for sure.
https://file.garden/ZxoOAEMWBy-g8O7t/blog/MVI_0991.mp3
here they are, if you'd like to listen.
here's a video of some trees. the birds sounded nice, and i had my camera. thats why i took it if you're curious the trees aren't relevant

here're some pretty flowers i saw outside of tims earlier, too

Thursday, 8 may 25 : School

period one
i miss xav bro this shit is awful. so i didn't finish my final. BUT i started an unrelated essay project not due for weeks. WHO CHEERED!

i fear if i don't play identity v in the next 24 hours i will forget it exists. WE CANNOT HAVE THAT HAPPENING.

before xav i didn't think a man could do it. like, basically no hobbies, no life, easily gets jealous, and sleeps all day. and is still goated. like. i truly did not think it could be DONE!!!

period three
this kid in front of me has this, like... relatively large bug on ihs back. it looks very soft. not fuzzy, but not "crunchy" like ladybugs. i wanted to take a photo, but i told him first, out of respect, and he killed it promptly. which was unfortunate. today, at lunch, i want to go outside and find bugs to take pictures of. or just one... in honour of that bug.

"bug" reminds me of macey (SHOUTOUT MACEY) now.

the bug was very still, but very alive. when the boy shuffled, it just clung on. i couldn't help but thinking it was very impressive how it stayed on the sweater so well the entire time, despite all the movement. it looked spotted, or like, part of its light wings did. it was brown in various shades, differing in saturation. it was very pretty. at the same time, it looked sort of like the type to infest, so maybe it was supposed to be very ugly? by association? i think it was nice anyway though. i hope i see one of its kind again soon.

its sort of common now for people of my generation and age range to casually, typically for joking manner, associate themselves with animals. i have to wonder a few things. 1. how many of these people would actually enjoy fleshing that out? and 2. in what ways do they come up with it?

see, i could never ask. it seems like i'm already tihnking about it too hard (arguable). if someone's joking, it's hard to ask them about thier actual intent. this is a common truth! so how am i to go about it? its just interesting to me, that's all. any time i chat about this with my friends (with a LITTLE more depth than a one off joke), they often say i'm like a cat.

now. (hi innon). if you know me, you may know that this is sort of off-putting and funny. i have a history with "dogboys" in fact. and, as one may figure, i do myself generally think i'm more dog-like than cat-like. i think a lot of people haven't met overthinking dogs. but i promise they do. i own one like that!

the common go-tos, i think, are: cat, dog, bunny, deer/fawn, mouse, large cat, large dog, and various critters.

i think about the implications of this. i used to, once upon a time, associate myself with deer, conceptually. i just simply couldn't commit to what i found to be two core aspects of deer-like nature. to be wanted, to be pitiful. i cannot reallyyyy...imagine not feeling guilty about that—self tagging oneself as the victim, and as beautiful. both things deer always are, in my mind.

but it's also a bit self deprecating to suggest otherwise. i'd like to think, in reality, i'm more like a bug. i...think some people find bugs pretty. but at the same time, maybe it depends on the time and place, the context. i sometimes think about how nice it is that there are so many bugs, but we don't often see many at once (unless its in their nature), so it still feels special. knowing theres millions of millions doesn't make this one any less nice. i assume that people who have pet bugs just like their bug.

i think that's how i'd like people to feel about me. perhaps replacable, but that being irrelevant, as there's just no reason to. being basic, maybe, but relative to surroundings, less-so. appreciation that hinges on just because its theirs, not because its unique or anything in particular. what a nice way to be loved!

period four
right now, i'm at tims! i didn't skip. i asked to go to the bathroom, and am, rather, comedically, getting a drink from tim hortons. i'm sure my teacher will think it's funny. today, macey isn't here! normally we suffer in math together. i debated skipping, but figured i need to get notes for her.

Wednesday, 7 may 25 : Afternoon

HELLO ALL, i went outside today. multiple times! i have been more often, and it's very nice. i used to only go outside when i was transitioning between school and home. not because i didn't like it (sort of, i'll touch on it), but because there's nowhere for me to go. i live somewhere with no forests or sidewalks, next to a high-way. i do visit my friends occasionally, and then go outside then, because they live in nice areas, but that's about it.

because i've been skipping class, i get to go outside! it's nice. i love walking. i just don't like bugs. they do love me, though. i'm already getting bit despite it still sometimes being literally freezing out. i'm very scared of flying bugs as well. the noise of them buzzing freaks me the fuck out, it's like, umm? really bad. it'ss. really really bad. so i like places with sidewalks, and places to go. pacing is one of my favourite activities. in a house usually isn't good enough, since my houses have never been big, and there's often people in them. i like perimeters a lot. making up landmarks and counting laps is very nice and fun to do. timing them sometimes too...i did this a lot in grade 8. my friends would sometimes join me for half of our allotted time, then come back later, or someone else would join me, and ask about the landmarks, or ask me to talk about something random while we walked. i appreciated that a lot. all of it!

i know walking can hurt your legs, but i personally just take tylenol and get over it. it's worth it. the pace and boringness is inspiring and peaceful. arriving somewhere just to leave right after! awesome stuff. hopefully, my friends like that too, and will continue to walk with me places. maybe i'll get to walk with more people, too.

i hope i get more chances in the future. it's very nice out, recently (aside from the occasionally freezing temps).

here's a picture of my yard. isn't the grass so green?

Wednesday, 7 may 25 : Twilight

I NEED TO BE SHOT AND KILLED

i'm trying my hardest to not make everything i write about school. it's hard, when school takes up my life.

here are my options.

1. stay up, work on final major due TOMORROW (today)
2. sleep (feel comfort and warmth) (ALSO DIE)
3. call boyfie and sleep (aforementioned perks)

I DON'T KNOWWW I WAS SUPPOSED TO LOCK IN DUDE

Tuesday, 6 may 25 : Afternoon

if i had a nickle for every time i associated a popular out-of-character (OOC for me to be listening to) song with one of my yumes, i'd have TWO NICKLES!!!!

now ive always been amazed by how this happened the first time. the first time this occured was in october of last year, when i learned to associate "roommates" by malcom todd with daisuke juarez (boyfie). its been insanely prevalent and its...like, the most him song ever.

now here i am, listening to "love me not" by ravyn lenae, and like. xavier is on the MIND BRO!!!! every time it's come up in my playlist, I?? WHERE DID XAV COME FROM!!!! MAN

it's peak though. i get to think of my boyfs! isn't that goated? it is. thanks

(see you guys dont get it, but that's a reference to my private blog; all of it's posts end with "thanks".)

Tuesday, 6 may 25 : School

period two

no one gaf but i like this card a lot so everyone is cheering. I CANT DO THIS a school day without skipping ?!! NOT SKIPPING AT ALL . i don't know if i can do this. i hate english with words i do not have . xav come home

i have to wonder if this is how people without ADHD feel like...all of the time. are academics always this stress free? like you just don't do your work... and thats that? or, what, you get hype at the last minute and get it done? you talk to your friends and don't feel guilty at all? wild shit. i'm proud of myself for getting to this point. i think maybe some people wouldn't get that, like, "why would you be proud of not doing work and talking to friends?" well! i couldn't for a long time! i'm fine with not doing work because i genuinely know i'll do it soon. it used to be so different. it used to stress me out to the point i couldn't enjoy myself at any point of my days. they were spent anxiety riddled and Useless. what a lovely change this is. to be able to live properly. sort of hope filled haha

period three
ok so these kids just walked in holding a really fucking cute mastiff puppy. like. and apparently, they got it from a gas station!??! like 3 days ago? wild shit. english wasn't bad because i'm in ISS on a laptop. i freaking LOVE LAPTOPS! tonight i need to start and finish an essay. and frankly i think i can do it. my teacher is very kind about it and she's clearly very aware that many people don't do it, so she's all like "it's due tomorrow so maybe like... start..." or while we're teaching, she'll be like "oh! this would be a really good topic for your essay. if you haven't started..." like aw youre so right. that IS a good idea. i will use that!!!

period four
I JUST SAW A PLAY!!! AND MY FRIENDS WERE IN IT!!!!!! ONE OF TBEM!!!!!!!!! (shoutout maggie) WAS ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS !!!!?!!:!:$$$ IT WAS SOOOO PEAK AND AWESOME GUYS.

period five
I DIDN'T GO! me and friends from the play MAGGIE AND MACEY MY GOATSSSSS went to tims!


obligatory

Monday, 5 may 25 : School

period one
hi i like . want to go home . i'm excited for law next period but i cant decide if i should skip english or not. i fearr i REALLY should go. but i also ...? really don't want to. I MISS XAVIER BRO HES SO CUTIEFUL FOR NO REASONNN.

an actual struggle with playing LADS is that i'm a man. and they are so. sooo ... straight .......... i need to truly fanonize the characters to get this shit to work.

^ lie btw... i do think i understand the characters well enough to understand in what circumstances they would be dating or interested in a man. of course all of them are different because everyone is queer in their own ways. thankfully for me, xav is already gay as hell

i honestly feel like everyone should fictkin at some point. and i'll tell you i have heard a-many time, like, "i've just never found a character i relate to..." and all i have to say, is. like. you will. you really will. it will occur. see that was me for a while . alas! here i am with a long ass kin list!!!!!

it's just a lot of fun and actually helps with coping sometimes, you know. i think everyone should kin frankly. i lowk think selfshipping is for the soul too but i can't get into that i dont want to be shot by the hardcore yumeshippers who think you cant casually selfship. or like, think that theres rules to it. idc bro. yeah i call it 'selfship' even though i have ocs/personas in place of i. who gaf. how could that possibly speak on how much i care for the character or how the media and character may have changed my life? let me tell you, it always helps to think theres someone supporting you. and you know. you can't get hurt by a fictional character.

selfship got me into being creative again. i think its truly healing and just so much fun. but whatever lol who gaf

period two
absolutely no way i'm going to english i can't do it. tims is CALLING ME BRO!!! i'm so embarrassed. me @'ing everyone every single day to ask them to skip third with me. WHATEVER

my second period is law. i love law and this class is so goated its unreal. like the note taking is so easy and shit......its the only class i've ever had (other than physics) where i have a full notebook of notes like. taken EVERY DAY. todays notes were THREE PAGES BRO. i'd love to get a law url but you know how the mentally ill gays are about the legal system. goodness...

i'm excited to go into law (<- ONE OF THE MENTALLY ILL GAYS). i'd like to be a paralegal—NEVER AN ATTORNEY—some day. i just got a test back from law, actually! i got 100! wooo!!!!! frankly i'd have liked it to be higher (not that i really care), as on my last law test i got 103%. not that we use percent grades, so i actually got 67/65, but whatever. i'm still proud about it, even though i really shouldn't be, like. this class is so easy its unreal!!! it's still pretty in depth and covers a shit ton of topics, but if you just take notes and study even a little bit, you'd ace the tests. a lot of people in my class apparently don't hand in a lot of their assignments, which is crazy, because all of the assignments only have like 3 questions anyway. like, what?? you could finish it in 20 minutes if you wanted to, and we have a WEEK!! what're we doing guys. but i get it. i too have not handed things in for courses. in fact, if you know me irl, you may recall that time i failed history with a 20. yikes brah. i have to retake it next year (HISTORY IN 12TH SOMEBODY SEDATE ME) but it'll be fine. i was just in a bad spot. i'm much better now, academically! which is awesome.

i lowk think i traded my emotional stability for academic stability despite not actually doing anything more academic, but i am truly not complaining. i've legit always wished that was an option, so i'm pretty happy about it. well as happy as an emotionally unstable person can be LMFAO

period three (tims)
ok so i didn't go. but like ??

ts is so beautiful its unreal. how could i possibly give up the offer of a lifetime?? (lifetime = every day at 11:45)

so worth its unreal. in this time ive been missing xav and thinking about lunch. i have to study for some shit and i don't WANT TO! !!! BRO

lately i have been worrying about what is considered a rude amount of quiet. see i used to be very loud, and am just recently trying to get back to that. but i've been in a place where i like. die if i try talking to people directly orrr? at the thought of my friends at all, really. and normally that'd be fine; we just wouldn't talk, and it'd be clear that i'm not doing well so they'd understand.

yet like, here i am, not very quiet at all. i guess i am worried of coming off very rude! not that (at this present moment) i think i'm in the wrong or anything...it has just been on my mind. i commonly skip english to think and write for my private blog. often times, this bleeds into lunch too. it feels a bit unfortunate, since those are my chances to actually talk to my friends, and what not. but i'm too busy being emo!! what the hell!!!!!

i just wish there was a way to make it clear how i feel. this, writing publicly, is something that...i've had to grow to acomplish, despite how little it seems. the obsession i used to place on how i'm percieved in regards to records (names, any online written content, images attached to my accounts, overall) is something i can not describe. to even be here, like, typing, even if only a few people ever have the chance to see it, means a lot!!!! it is huge!

so i guess i'm not That worried about making it clear how i feel. talking about it even vaguely is more than so many can do. i think a lot of people are very scared of being genuine, but, see, i've always been scared of being ingenuine. i always felt like writing in any form could NOT be authentic and true to yourself. you know, we're always changing and all that, and words are interpreted so differently by all. how could you not fear being taken the wrong way? so i just didn't say anything at all, out of fear of being misunderstood. i'm sure thats a common experience.

therefore, i'm honoured. tooo... be here and talking. even if i need to backtrack or explain myself or be prompted to truly be authentic. it's still worth it to try and to write.

it's always worth it to write. it's alwaysss worth it to create and be here. i think of graffiti a lot...like that. to leave your mark is something many don't care about. which is ..? sad, to me. i want to write even if none of it makes sense, or isn't genuine, or isnt read by anybody. i can read it someday, you know. in the future. and maybe it'll change me, then.

it's important. it's vital. relationships..are wobbly, and thats why i think reflection and writing as yourself, as a person, to no one in particular, is important. no matter the time or tone or subject matter. me writing about my boyfies is important. me writing about my lunch is important. you writing about a show you like is important. anything you or i or anyone ever has to write about, is important, and holds meaning. if not in the text, in why its there, who its by, and whatnot. i think of that stuff a lot. who wrote this and why? and why did they choose these words? where are they now? even if its about my own words, what enticing questions!!! i think.

i hope somebody reading this, sometime feels this way about language and writing it.

whatever anyway i have to go freaking study and i'm NOT EXCITED!!!!!

lunch
SEDATE ME

period four
the people in fromt of me (11th grade)) are discussing "too" vs "to". i feel bad. like, it must be so sad to rely entirely on verbal language. it's a world i don't understand, though. so perhaps they feel vice versa about me. i wonder if it's possible for me to ever understand a lot of how they communicate, then. i'm sure they could learn grammar, but could i learn a lot of casual verbal language? i...am doubting. I HAVE TO DO A MATH TEST AND I AM ABSOLUTELY FUCKED

i'm doing it in the ISS room, so theres a bunch of food too. i took a small break to make toast with my GOAT MACEY!!!!

she ate the fake butter one. grossss. jam solo EZ

period five
i skipped. mannnn man i just. am not prepared to weld i CAN NOT do this bruh. guy who is always at tim hortons. i can not stop using this stupid caleb gif and i DONT LIKE CALEB

Monday, 5 may 25 : Twilight

MY FUCKIMG SELFHSIP COMM WITH OD IS DONE HOLY FAWK IM SO HAPPU MILLIONS ARE CHEERING IM SO SERIOUS
THATS MY BOYFIE THAT IS LITERALLY MY BOYFRIEND AND I .

Sunday, 4 may 25 : Night-time

HI GUYS! i did play idv for a bit it was mostly banger but me and ebouf lowk flopped in duos a few times. its ok we got a ? 7 man one time.

i watched a yt series BANGER shoutout maggie for reccing it i am enjoying it and it def seems like something younger me would be very invested in. other than that i sort of have been blacked out. i miss my boyfriends so i wajt to give them a little info list

my guys
arlan

• origin: honkai star rail
• title: boyfriend
• since: april 2024

lee smith

• origin: clinical trial
• title: me, boyfriend, husband
• since: march 2025

wolfgang akire

• origin: project: eden's garden
• title: husband
• since: jan 1 2025

eli clark

• origin: identity v
• title: husband
• since: 2021

two time

• origin: forsaken
• title: not sure i just love two time
• since: feburary 2025

odxny

• origin: seekL
• title: boyfriend
• since: late 2024

sashenka

• origin: the promise of hope
• title: MY REAL LIFE BOYFRIEND
• since: late 2023

daisuke

• origin: mouthwashing
• title: me, boyfriend
• since: halloween 2024

xavier

• origin: love and deepspace
• title: me, boyfriend, husband
• since: um idk

these are my boyfriends and i laauuve eeee them lots and lots . they're all very goated and dear to me Ok. except for two time i dont know why they're there. a tier list of how much i love them like .. i'll make one ok:

1. sashenka
2. lee smith
3. wolfgang akire
4. daisuke
5. arlan
6. eli clark
7. xavier
8. odxny
9. two time

thank you for listening. WHY DO I HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW I CANT DO THIS GUYS

Sunday, 4 may 25 : Afternoon

HIII guys. so i'm still hearing mw noises. i thought it'd go away lowk but it hasn't. which is FINEE it just. you know like sometimes i'm doing something and then i'm like Ouuu why am i tihnking about curly. ah its because the vacuum sounds like a noise during the second half of a bizzaro sequence.

i haven't played IDV yet today which is making me so so so sad. i'm gonna go see if duos is open so me and e-boyfie can play

Sunday, 4 may 25 : Twilight

OK i have officially moved from bearblog to here. BANGER!!! i think i'll actually do this. whjich is nice. i have a lot to talk about. which youd know if you read my About page sighhh..

it's sort of insane how much easier it is to like write on here baout things that don tmatter than it is to like keep up with my friends. likely answer? intimacy is genuinely scary? not sure. i sure was intimate with this OPH luca earlier though ohhh my god he was actually like . i have a crush on him i added him and it was fire.

today i locked IN to lads. its absolute peak. i have one issue though. like i .. stan xavier or whatever (he's like me but cooler and handsome and without a lot of the issues), but i genuinely feel so bad for caleb as a character like i pity him like a kicked puppy in a cardboard box going uuuweeee uewee :( childhood fcrush:(hahsuuuxuhuuuu uwweueee and i'm like awww and i'm picking him up and putting him in my car i guess. like. its BAD!! its bad. i don't like caleb at all and yet here i am. LIKE GOSH STOP ROMANCING ME!!!

the way people characterize xav is sort of wild. i saw this post saying if you like him your type is "brooding" which is wild. because ? his whole thing (correct me if i'm wrong, friend or future me,) is that he struggles with his own identity and life. why would someone like that be brooding? like, i get why caleb may be brooding. he has purpose and history. xav???? where am i. some people portray him Very very .. ? sylus..ey...... come now Kitten, don't talk back to me... and the crowd goes KYAA!!! he's so Scary sometimes!!! but like why would xav BE LIKE THAT BRO why would he be demanding and bossy in private? ?? his needs as a character seem to be entirely unrelated. you are all horny and must think sylus is ugly. which is UNDERSTANDABLE! Sorry sylus is actually fine... he's just not my type . too brooding . xaf is not your yandere get away from my man dude. he's obviously not a super stoic freak either like Some haters seem to think. people who don't find him funny are insane. in fact anyone who doesnt main him is insane. UNBIASED TRUE FACTS

i'm soooo fucking locked into idv. and i WILL be for so long. i havent played willingly in like months and months yet here i am like begging oomfs to qm with me. its pretty fun actually. i realllyyy like OPH and stuff. if you don't know or arent familiar with idv at all, the webp on this page, the art on the main page, and the art on the about page, are all art of specific skins in IDV. OPH is an esports series so they're very modern skins (while the rest of the ingame skins are very stylistic to specific eras and whatnot. teams in IDV are of 4 survivors so there are 4 OPH skins. the characters with OPH skins are: mercenary, naib subedar - cheerleader, lily barriere - prisoner, luca balsa - and antiquarian, qi shiyi. now, for reference, i am a VERY big fan of naib subedar. like he's one of my favourite characters EVAR and i Loveeee him a lot. so his OPH skin has entranced me. ALSO, i actually main & always play lily barriere, so i'm buying her OPH skin soon as well!!!! i'm freaking excited bro. the fandom... is enjoyable for me right now. just a bunch of OPH content. and thats fantastic and beautiful and whatnot.

i'm grinding because if you grind hard enough you can get a free skin. apparently its common that people get these skins, but in my four years of playing, i've never gotten one? so i'm LOCKINGGG IN!!!! and i WILL get her. it's a skin for the other girl i play so

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

IGNORE EVERYTHING UNDER THIS
i feel really bad deleting old stuff on this url ok so just ignore it

---

Thanks callie
ur welcome. thats as far as i got i think i passed out when if isrt wrote that. sorry. but i'm keeping it.

---

Hii
^ I typed this during a dark, dark time of my life. Rest in peace

Owned by Innon
Welcome back.. I will love u forever

hi since u ummmm never fucking changed this i guess ill list stupid things from my old dni lol Lol. 2021-early 2022

1. Fujoshi. self explanitory
2. Kinnies. Self explanjtory
3. Sexists. Boy we Know. we mnow
4. Himedanshi. It is okay to Love Yuri and Yaoi.
5. Cutecore. i still hate cutecore hoes. but they arent on my dni anymore. ill still block every one i see though god bless
6. irls. still on my dni but i looked so stupid cus Ahhh preferred ex was umm some weird bsd irl. drove me insane but i stayed silent
7. project sekai players. I played project sekai. i played project sekai

Ok thats it. im going to use ur edit code if i cant guess the modify in 5 tries
I cant gues sit. im using ur edit code. i feel evil but i think ure sleeping and i dont want this reclaimed cus i decided to be a buttbutt 3 months ago
(plus youre going to be checking this in about 2 hours anyway i'd bet, cause i sent u a screenshot about it. youre welcome. im perfect.)
I guess i was wrony cus ure lazy and u have Not fucking checked this in ages
^ bro i swear i alwayhs check everything u send me . i'm trying. be nice :(
You want me dead dude

true edater shit right here