Mr. Virtual Rewrite

Businessmen are an important bunch. In spite of all the flack they receive it cannot be denied that they play an important role in the production of goods and services that consumers want.

I too am a businessman, one that provides a very specific service yet through my prowess I am great at marketing myself to the average Joe.

The name's Virtual Man but officially my clients call me Mr. Virtual. Let me tell you, I've been in this business for almost three decades now and it has not gotten any prettier since I started.

My clients have always been quite the picky bunch. They love complaining, whining, crying, yammering: everything except for working with me. The only way I've ever been able to secure a deal with these nitwits is by giving them an offer they can't refuse.

Take this one woman I recently made a deal with. I forgot what her exact name was but I know it started with an "Sa," maybe Samantha or Sarah, something like that. She comes into my office and starts giving me this drawn-out and frankly outdated speech about retro tech and its importance in the history of video game consoles. I mean come on babe, you're talking to Mr. Virtual himself, you don't think I've ever heard this spiel a million times already?

Anyway, after she's done reading her stupid script on this stupid subject she then says to her camera that she's gonna "try out the console now to see if it's as bad as people say."

That's my cue.

Soon as she puts it on I begin my little magic trick. Now I will admit, in this scenario I felt a little bad. I mean come on, if you saw the rack she had you would've thought the same (although between the two of us her ass could've been a little better). Still though, business is business and I have a service to provide.

I start the negotiations, there's a little bit of haggling that she herself tries to do, typical with the thousand other clients I've had before:

"What's happening!"

"Get it off!"

"Help me!"

"Someone help!"

Pretty annoying, right?

Takes a bit of time to get her to sign but I will say it’s gotten easier over time. Back when I used to go by Virtual Boy I had a bit of an embarrassing issue where I'd mess up my whole technique and that'd kill my chances at selling or I'd time it incorrectly so that a bunch of people ended up seeing my tactics. Learned the hard way that when you're trying to get someone to buy something you gotta make it personal.

Anyway I get her to take the deal. Now that's nice on its own, getting another client under my repertoire. What's really great however is milking them for all they're worth.

Immediately I put her on the premium package and started working. I only have a couple of days before clients like her are no longer useful to my firm so I have to rush production else I gotta continue it via another client. Sure, doing all of this is a laborious task: shipping out units, refurbishing old ones, producing makeshift ones. If it keeps my business running however, and it does, I'm more than willing to deal with it.

Eventually the time comes and she's worn out her use to me. At this point I’ve either got other clients already signed onboard and start using them instead or go back to being a humble little businessman looking for the next opportunity to strike.

Either way, business will continue to prosper.