Metallic Frenzy

I'm so retarded I want to kill myself.

Amidst my alcoholic stupor and combined with my incessant need to sink to ever lower bottoms it seems that I have made quite a couple of "poor" financial decisions to say the least.

This consisted of the purchasing of the following reddit-tier items:
4 (four) collector’s edition funko pops
A Pac-Man AND Ms.Pac-Man arcade cabinet (it’s not a two-in-one style machine I really did buy two)
A Glock 43 barrel (not only do I not need this but I don’t even have the gun. I am going to take an educated guess here and assume I was trying to buy something for my Glock 30)
An assortment of low-priced garbage nick-nacks that are not worth individually naming but due to the quantity have dealt me the financial equivalent of a kick to the balls
And last but also certainly the most worthless:
A beta copy of Sonic CD
This one purchase, not only did it somehow cost more than both of the arcade cabinets, but it’s also the one that makes the least sense. I despise Sonic CD, I consider it to be the worst classic Sonic game in the quadrilogy (pentalogy?). The levels suck, Sonic’s movement is even worse, this piece of junk is only liked because nobody played it when it came out, and I’m willing to bet that the reason behind that has to do with a little more than just Sega’s braindead decision to make console accessories.

However,

it is a beta copy, and out of all the junk I bought it did come first, so……

I kinda have to play it! I mean look it’s still beta content at the end of the day it’s possible that the game was less bad back then. Also this is literally the only item I bought that I can’t get a refund on so I might as well make every dollar count and play it before I desperately try and sell it back as a meager attempt of even getting back half the money I lost.

So I put the disc into my computer, it surprisingly works (thank you Christ), and after getting past the SEGA screen am greeted to a still image of Sonic with the following words below him:

“TIME ATTACK”

“CD SONIC”

“THE HEDGEHOG”

Fucking stupid Japs don’t even know how to grammar correctly. It’s supposed to be “SONIC CD” not “CD SONIC” you retarded fucking code monkeys.

Getting past both the poorly wooded and looking title screen I press start and am immediately thrown into a luscious mountain-filled terrain surrounded by palm trees with the title of…

“SALAD PLAIN”

What? I mean I get it’s a beta so they eventually changed all this stuff but it’s such a stupid title that I’m even giggling at it a bit.

Besides that initial little change in the zone’s title the three stages themselves of “Salad Plain” as it’s now called are mostly the same. The colors look a little bit brighter and some of the platforms have been moved slightly but otherwise it’s nearly identical to the final version of the game. What’s really interesting are some of the new items, the way Sonic controls, and the special stages.

Scattered throughout each of the levels now are a multitude of item boxes that grant the player various bonuses if destroyed. The first one that I encountered, the time monitor, stops all of time for around thirty seconds or so. Pretty useful for getting past enemies as they become absolutely still, also I find it neat that both the background and timer stop moving while it’s active. Coupled with a pretty groovy jingle while active it’s definitely my favorite one.

The second new item box that I accidentally found while in the second zone of Salad Plain was one with a big “S” on it. The route I had to take to stumble upon was far from the game’s designated route and the powers this box grants reflect that. Invincibility, super speed, being granted a shield even after it’s all over, man is thing busted. Though I do like the occasional power trip this one is a little bit too much for me, especially with how easy the game typically is.

Now onto Sonic’s controls: I love them! Unlike the final version of the game where there’s no reason to use the Super Peel Out when compared to the Spin Dash (which also sucks in Sonic CD but it sucks relatively less), there’s no reason to use the Spin Dash compared to the Super Peel Out. Going lightning fast and absolutely shredding through enemies, the only drawback it now has is that you can’t jump while using it. Too bad that doesn’t really hinder me from spamming the move as much as I can. It’s still a shame the Spin Dash sucks as much as it does in Sonic CD but hey at least I get to have fun demolishing enemies at what feels like mach 7 speed, especially considering there’s no timer to halt my fun.

The final thing I noticed was how the special stages were changed. There’s a couple of interesting changes in how they play with oil spills now being scattered throughout the level, the UFOs being mostly a gray color instead of the typical purple, and the ability to stop whenever which makes all these stages extremely trivial. What really stood out however in the most literal sense was the now present giant Eggman head always staring at me from the background. It didn’t do anything, just creeped me out while I was collecting the Time Stones.

Besides all that I mentioned it was still mostly the okayish Green Hill clone that I remember, just under a new name and with some little changes here and there.

One of those tiny changes was in the zone’s boss stage itself. Taking place in the present instead of in the future, I noticed the boss’ colors now being a much more light silver color instead of the typical red. Though its bumpers were also replaced with splinters I was still able to beat him in a whopping three seconds because simply going to the very far right of the screen at the start of the fight is too genius of a tactic for the 300 iq doctor.

After he was defeated I freed all the plants from their canister thingy and saw the results screen pop out. I was ready to enter Collision Chaos, having accrued in Salad Plain two Time Stones and a heapload of extra lives.

The screen turned black for a couple of seconds and instead of me appearing in a pink vomit zone I was now in a dense roofed forest with various aztecian-esc statues littered about.

The zone’s title finally popped up.

“DUBIOUS DEPTHS”

I slowly began walking through the forest, admiring the slow waving of the branches and the occasional light that would pop out from the forest for a brief moment. As I continued running through, collecting the occasional pile of rings that lay on the ground, I eventually encountered Amy. Instead of the typical pink her fur was brown, sporting a yellow t-shirt with a green skirt all while wearing a big red bowtie on top of her hair.

Looking between the two of us I saw a pile of leaves in the middle of the ground. I stopped in my tracks and watched as she walked over to me, hearts in her eyes, stopping right as she walked over the leaves. The ground began to shake and as quickly as Amy fell through the pile of leaves into the unknown Metal Sonic appeared from above, staring me down as he levitated in the sky.

His color scheme now sporting a collection of much darker browns, seeing him with only a singular eye felt off and three metallic quills instead of the typical two felt off. As we were having a staredown I was patiently waiting for him to grab Amy from the pit and run off, as would’ve occurred within Collision Chaos. Instead the core of his now much slimmer torso started charging into a bright red as he converted both his arms into barrels and pointed both of them towards me. Two streams of lightning soon emitted from both barrels, revealing the skeleton of my character for a brief second before all my rings scattered around.

I was surprised by how early I was fighting him but was much too concerned with not dying to process it. With adrenaline rushing in my veins I quickly picked up a couple of rings and entered my Super Peel Out, dashing right past him. He soon began to follow from behind, continuing to file hot streaks of lightning from the air as I tried as best as I could to outrun them. It was in this rush that he hit one of the background’s trees, causing it and the rest of the forest to light up, emitting a great smoke that made the two of us unaware of each other's surroundings.

Blindly running away from both him and the fire, I soon found myself in a cave. Though still a hectic area it was in comparison to that blood pumping rush a moment of tranquility. As I went deep into the cave’s rocky interior I found an assortment of drilling machines and other robotic wildlife: anteaters, antlions, even snakes.

Dodging the cave’s various spikes and jumping from one platform to another, my lack of options forced me to take a leap of faith into a seemingly endless pit. Jumping down, I was luckily saved by a fan at the bottom, pushing me up and landing me mere inches from a pit of robotic snakes.

Cautiously moving from one segment of this seemingly endless cave to another I managed to scour up a shield and enough rings to guarantee my access into the special stage so long as I kept one eye open. With bits of smoke starting to ruin my sight again I knew I was near the end of this treacherous cavern. I made a couple of last minute checks around to see if I could scavenge anything else that would help my sprint towards the end, bid adieu, and exited the cave back into the blinding smoke.

I used my Super Peel Out to again shred through enemies and rush to the end, watching the little bits of the forest that weren’t completely covered with smoke like a hawk. Though the fire continued to crackle and was my biggest impediment towards reaching the end I ironically found peace in its noise. It was the only reason why he hadn’t found me yet.

I got to the end and jumped into the giant ring that awaited me, easily completing both Dubious Depth’s first act and subsequently its special stage, attaining the third Time Stone.

Entering the second act of Dubious Depths zone the fire continues to rage on as I travel through the forest. Various roots emanate from the ground as I see roboticized woodpeckers and flying squirrels glide past me through what little vision I have. Reaching what seems to be a dead end I notice a particularly metallic-looking piece of wood coming off the wall. Activating my Dash, I bust right through the wall into a colossal tree, half-metallic, half organic.

Scurrying through its ginormous hollowed roots the local “wildlife” (how wild is it if it all comes from a factory?) was devouring its innards, slowly replacing every inch of wood with carbonated steel as the fire ate up every piece native to the forest. Though quite grim my voyage through this decaying greenery felt similar to a mere hop, skip, and a jump, especially when compared to my recent passage through the first act.

Besides this entire zone’s setting, what also occurred to me was the lack of Time Warp signs throughout the entirety of the place. There was no possibility I could try and escape by going into either the future or the past.

Escaping from the tree and now back out in the open the flames were beginning to settle. The smoke had become less dense and the trees, now replaced with heaps of ash, were having their trunks slowly rebuilt with metal. Heading to the end I encountered a couple more pits to jump past and robotic woodpeckers to destroy but with the smoke starting to clear the possibility of me getting electrocuted to death felt probable again. I got to the end, entered the special stage, and came out with my fourth Time Stone.

Three left.

Similar to Salad Plain I entered Dubious Depths’ final act in the present instead of the future. With the smoke now mostly gone I was worried for what awaits me in this now lifeless forest. I easily ran through a couple of loops, got past a few rotating platforms, and collected a handful of rings before being thrown on top of an extravagantly designed yet abandoned aqueduct, infested to the brim with great heaps of plants using its masterful design to reap nutrients as rushing waterfalls fill the background.

Not wanting to get ambushed like last time I took my sweet time strolling through the area, looking in all directions to make sure he didn’t get the jump on me. With the semi-frequent robotic antlion that impeded my progress or the occasional loose platform that forced me to jump back to something stable I was starting to worry that any second he’d swoop down and catch me while I was in a bad spot. My only saving grace there was that he might do so right as I’m near an item box

Nearing what felt like the end of the stage I could still feel my heart pumping with how seemingly guaranteed it felt that he would show up in just a couple of seconds, and yet I let my guard down as soon as I encountered the motorbike.

Seemingly abandoned and combined with such qualities as its comically large singular wheel and being rusted to such an egregious level I initially interpreted it as a bit of a karmic blessing, granted to me from God himself for racking up a sweat throughout this stage. I approached it, jumped up, and headed right towards it with the childish assumption that I’d destroy it in a single blow, be done with this stage, and maybe even receive a celebratory letter in the mail from my bank telling me that the massive amount of credit debt I had accrued a couple of days ago was all gonna be forgiven.

What instead occurred is I hit the motorbike a single time, made it fall over, walked a couple of steps to the right, and promptly noticed a lightning bolt from afar hit it, raising it right back up.

The motorbike, now overcharged, began to rev up as it gave me the vehicular equivalent of a death stare. In spite of how retarded I am I do have some sort of intuition. Without skipping a beat I revved up my own Super Peel Out, sprinting out of there as fast as I humanly could.

Trailing right behind me, the motorbike was getting dangerously close as I had to occasionally break out of my Super Peel Out to avoid crashing face-first into any obstacles. Coupled with the fact that the machine would get struck with lightning every couple of seconds and speed up every this feeling of inevitable doom if I were to continue using the same tactics forced me to get creative.

Approaching a loop, I waited right until I was a third through it before dropping down right above the motorbike and activating my Peel Out to head left instead. Praying that he’d continue to mindlessly go to the right I felt relieved when for the next couple of seconds I saw no trace of the motorbike.

And then I saw who was charging the vehicle.

Literally running straight into him, I get taken aback as my character’s electrocuted from getting too close to him, my rings flying everywhere. As I move around trying to recollect a couple of my rings I notice him now flying more than a couple of inches off the ground as he blasts a jolt of lightning behind me, causing the motorbike I had passed mere moments ago to go hurling in my direction.

Having to now dodge two murderous machines I think up of ways to beat both of them and soon realize that it’s not gonna be possible as of now. With that in mind, I scout around for any nearby item boxes and while sprinting from the two of them find a time monitor a couple of platforms above me.

Coming to a halt I hurry up and begin jumping from one platform to another in a desperate attempt to reach that monitor. Metal Sonic, aware of what I’m trying to do, hits me with a lightning blast, causing me to lose my remaining rings and almost fall to the bottom. Charging up another shot I’m just a fingertip away from the monitor, ready to destroy the box moments as he’s ready to fire at me again. As it all unfolds I beg for a missed shot or an accidental mischarge, just anything to help me get this item, yet all this begging turns out to be pointless.

As time comes to crawl I see Metal Sonic’s bolt of lightning motionlessly hovering right in front of my face. Likewise I see that his motorbike has also stopped moving, the two of them stuck in time. Knowing I’m never gonna get this lucky again I swiftly head to the right towards the zone’s exit, wiping sweat off my forehead.

Funnily enough, now not having to worry about the weird-looking Metal Sonic and his killer motorbike for a second, I notice a couple of rainbows coming from the background as I quickly traverse the aqueduct to get to the other side. Though I sadly don’t have enough time to really appreciate them, seeing how there’s still glimpses of beauty in this ever-increasingly artificial world makes me smile for a bit.

By the time the time monitor runs out I can see the end of the zone peeking from the edges of my purview. I rush past the Goal Post and exit the stage.

Time for Collision Chaos.

Now standing atop a pink floor, white and blue machinery scattered behind me, in the background heaps of mountains and a sunset giving the sky a dark blue shade, I was finally where I was supposed to be.

Moving to the right I had already come in with the expectation that there’d be no Amy here to give me breathing room, the special stages now my substitute for meditation. When I finally got to where she was supposed to be and saw no trace of her I kept moving in hopes that the tunnel wouldn't have multiple spikes blocking me from entering, and from the greatness of Lady Luck herself my wish was granted.

Charging up my Peel Out I tried to get as close to the end in the little time I felt I had. Popping out of the tunnel I saw him flying from above, but I also noticed an opportunity.

Passing by a Future Time Warp sign I made a mad dash away from Metal Sonic, not only to save my skin but also to build up enough speed to go to the future. Everytime he shot at me and missed it felt like a coin flip, I knew I wasn’t always gonna land heads. Going into the future was my only shot at possibly not having to deal with his electro shock therapy.

Having racked up enough speed I was propelled into a psychedelic haze, traveling through the unknown as multitudes of colors flashed around me until I reappeared in reality.

Looking around I was inside some sort of factory. The wall’s paint coming off, the machines around me heavily rusted yet continuing to do their job, albeit at a snail’s pace, a vast network of conveyor belts, most of which seemingly leading in the same direction. The only feature this area had that resembled the present was the sunset present throughout the abandoned factory, only known because of the holes plaguing the roof. I hopped on top of one of the conveyor belts, did a pose for one of the many cameras infesting the room, and began my descent into the future.

As the rackety belts of the factory transported me around this rundown labyrinth, skirting by the occasional compressor that threatened to turn me into a red paste, I gazed upon the world of the forgotten: ladybugs with chipped wings, colorless moths endlessly circling the machinery till a crusher put them out of their misery. Through the belt’s gaps I saw a mantis without his metallic claws, aimlessly dragging his body along the floor as his right eye barely hung onto what little remained of his head.

My ride out of this orphanage for the metallically disabled came to a halt when the factory’s flatteners brought the ceiling almost down to the floor, forcing me to move over them onto the railing lining the building’s walls. So too was this new voyage stopped when from the end of the path lay a teleporter, my desperation luring to jump in.

Coming out the other side with my heart still in my chest I stared in awe as I saw a scourge of mosquitoes, the needles from their heads mangled with each other’s, crushed by a tidal wave of robot parts from the funnels above. The mosquitoes now part of the blob, I follow them along the conveyor, falling deeper into the plantation's pits.

As the mass leads the way I use my down-time to scavenge through the piles of scrap I stand atop of. The item boxes, though in as much of a poor condition as the rest of the rubble heap, still function, the effects are as consistent as the quality of the monitors.

The time monitors, instead of stopping time completely, only partially slow it down or in the case of the more shoddy ones, speed up everything. Almost ended up being burnt alive by one of the factory’s heaters because of that.

The other monitors in the plant like the shield, ring, sneakers, and invincibility, act the same. You hit a shield box, expect it to only cover your left. Come across a ring monitor? Good chance you’ll come out with less instead of more. I didn’t encounter any “S” monitors in the blob and I’m glad so, I prefer not being a glowing pile of goo.

With the track ending off at another passage too small for me to fit through I jumped back onto one of the building’s railings, a Goal Post and a Giant Ring waiting for me at the end, finishing off Act 1 of Collision Chaos.

Entering the special stage the UFOs and mud piles were still there, yet Eggman’s disgusting bald head was no longer there in the background, my head now safe from being pierced by his lifeless eyes. Though his putridness no longer blocked out the sun, what awaited me was too a wretched sight: An empty crater, devoid of either organic or artificial life, odd bumps of stone the area’s only landmarks.

The surroundings devoid of purpose I stuck by the only thing that wasn’t a drab yellow, taking down the UFOs and collecting the fifth Time Stone.

Two left.

Still in this hellhole of a future Collision Chaos’ second zone had me greeted by another teleporter. With a quick sign of the cross I went from a man inside an assembly plant as efficient as the DMV to a man still inside the same post office, this time surrounded by computers.

Breaking through a cluster of tangled wires I found myself inside the factory’s base of operations, the “guards” there frightened by my presence.

I stared in pity as a legless chicken, Its disjointed beak and arm used to operate its control panel, hop off of its chair and slowly crawl over to an emergency switch on the other side of the room. Using this opportunity to take a piss I came back to see it desperately attempting to gain enough momentum to reach the switch, the other equally disfigured animals dreadfully panning what few eyes they had between me and their boss.

Walking out I used the small sympathy I had for these metallic meanies to avoid accidentally crushing them, my pacifism rewarded not by them but by the world when after leaving the alarm went off… for a couple of seconds at which point its shrieking sounds of a seal hanging itself abruptly stopped.

Exploring the rest of the command center I came across similar sights of robots too mutilated to properly gouge my eyes out shrivel in fear as I passed by all their broken down tech. It became such a recurrent sight that in hopes of not boring myself to death I laid my eyes on what they were watching instead.

The dust-covered screens flooding the room, though primarily tracking the factory’s belts and the whereabouts of certain hoards of animals, gave me a sight into what the future was. Salad Plain, once a subtropical region of waterfalls and palm trees, had been reduced to a gravelly graveyard with lakes lacking water.

Dubious Depths, a roofed forest with an extravagant cave system, had become a blistering field of magma, not even the robotic wildlife taking over had remained.

Every screen told a similar story. Tidal Tempest, Quartz Quadrant, Stardust Speedway, Metallic Madness, all zones were gone. The only areas I couldn’t see were the one I was at, Collision Chaos, and Wacky Workbench.

Finally finding an exit out of that mood killer my mood lightens up as a Goal Post and a Giant Ring await me outside, ending off the second act of Collision Chaos. I hop into the ring, defeat the UFOs, and collect my sixth Time Stone.

One left.

The final stage of Collision Chaos has me back in its labyrinth of “assembly” (you actually think anything is being made?) lines, continuing to be carried along downward into the belly of the beast. Though the belts themselves used to be adjacent to one another, going in opposite directions, they all now point in the same direction. I crouch down and let the gears push me forward.

It was not long after I came face-to-face with the end, a pit too far down to see what it contained. Dodging all the hunks of metal that would’ve pushed me in, I accept my fate as I see that all belts lead here, and fall into the unknown.

Landing on a hill of loose robot pieces, item boxes, and bits of metal, I stand up and drudge myself through the heaps of garbage both below and still coming from above to reach the top of the pile.

Waiting right above, it’s him.

Still in perfect condition after all the time that’s passed he floats from above, continuously throwing bolts of lightning at the pile of trash, every shock of his causing bits of it to move.

Moving closer towards him he gives me a quick glance before going back to what he was doing, ignoring me even as I climb above him.

Having almost reached the top of this mountain the sounds of lightning stop as the floor of junk begins shifting around, my balance being lost as I tumble back to the bottom and hit the room’s floor.

Looming above, he distances himself from the pile as it slowly shifts around, a handful of junk forming to swipe down at me. It barely misses, breaking apart upon contact with the ground and causing the pile to scream out in agony.

Stopping its movement, he flies back towards it and turns both of his arms into cannons, repeatedly striking at the pile until it starts up again.

Now in the swing of things, the pile begins its onslaught at me, attempting to crush me with its barely stable hands, every move whether it hits or misses causing it to shriek. Standing on the pile’s feet my ears barely hear its slow murmurs, begging for mercy, pleading to be set free.

With another miss from the pile its master gets angry, overcharging his cannons and causing his servant to shed big chunks of itself, the assortment of scrap metal rolling down its body towards me.

Amidst all the turmoil I looked above, not at it or its master, but at the manna falling down. Though the occasional item box containing a couple of rings or a slow down for a few precious seconds has helped, I know that the only way I’m gonna win is by gambling my life.

Seeing an “S” monitor drop from the cliffs above I make my move to grab it before it gets consumed by the pile. Dodging a ball filled with its guts, barely passing by a swipe from its makeshift arms, I can now see how shoddy the monitor’s quality is.

Crossing my fingers, I break it open.

Landing back on the monster I start falling into its guts, disintegrating everything I touch. The only sense left being my hearing, I instinctually Peel-Out through as much of the living heap as I can before my powers wear out, hearing all its screeches right against my ears.

Making it out on the other side of the room I turn around to see the back of the beast, its lack of foundation causing it to start imploding on itself. The rushed blasts coming from a man clinging onto scraps of hope dissipate as in its dying breath the monster consumes its master, bringing the room to a deafening silence.

I climb my way up the now inanimate pile of scrap, its carcass a red carpet entrance to the door outside.

I take a deep breath.

Open the door.

And confirm my worst nightmares.

Like Salad Plain and Dubious Depths, Collision Chaos has become no more than an empty landmass. A waxing crescent being my light source I edge myself further away from the facility until it's but a mere blip in my eyes, my belief in there being more left in the world than this damned facility keeping me going.

Hours have seemingly passed when I accidentally trip over a fake tarp and fall down a flight of stairs, uncovering another facility in this zone.

Stumbling through the base the lights automatically turn on revealing a spotless hideout. In front of me lies a meticulously organized collection of mint-conditioned parts and pieces, all perfectly made to fit him.

Walking through the rest of the base I notice an assortment of pieces hung up on the walls: grass from Salad Plain, bark from Dubious Depths, even some of the metal once used to replace Collision Chaos’ ecosystem.

At the end of the room is a monitor, a Time Warp to the past, and two Springs staring right at each other. Looking into the camera I notice a prison cell with a hedgehog's skeleton inside, the location being Wacky Workbench.

I run past the Time Warp, move between the two springs, and end up at the end of Act 3 of Collision Chaos, the Goal Post right in front of me. I pass it, finishing off Collision Chaos and going onto Temple Tidest.

I know where I’m heading next.