MARVIN'S LOVE QUEST - THE SEQUEL NO ONE ASKED FOR
It was hard for Marvin. Even after Rick and Morty engaged in their domestic violence across the universe, his alien heart still pined for the Amazonian. She was still hooked up with that green-haired seductress from that other fighting game! He couldn't just let her walk away with HIS beloved like that! And today happened to be Valentine's Day, and SOMEHOW he was going to meet them again because of some stupid "day of love truce" that had all the Smash Bros and their clone game rosters meet up together. No one knows who started it, but it was either Kirby, Steven, SpongeBob, Tony Huynh, or the guy with the Garfield/He-Man mashup avatar.
What's stupider is that everyone had to dress up pink. As if he already failed his attempts at blowing up the Earth, and lost his girlfriend, now he was going to play Cupid with the other measly Earthlings in the crowd. Entering the huge Smash Mansion decked out in lights, he shuffled nervously around as the crowd stretched across the wide area. How many of these games were there?
Marvin sat down next to Dark Samus, who looked ravishing in that hot pink exoskeleton of hers. "Um, excuse me miss, is this seat taken?" he meekly asked, to which the Metroid responded with an inhuman hiss. "Well, it was worth a shot." Marvin then moved to sit between Black Adam and Ultra Fishbunjin 3000, which made him feel more insignificant than he already was. "I loathe this inane outfitting. How can anyone look at this and not see it as a mockery?" Adam growled, locking his eyes on Marvin. "I didn't come up with this baffling idea, so why are you singling ME out, Earth vermin?" Ultra Fishbunjin decided he saw enough, and awkwardly shuffled out of the way.
The martian tried to go to the center and talk to who would be performing. It would be the perfect time to announce his love to Wonder Woman and hopefully win her back from that green-haired Earth wench. Of course, he'd have to go backstage, and that would take some effort to sneak in. He crawled around the stage looking to enter somewhere through the door. Luckily, it was unguarded, of course those unprepared Earthlings would not set up any defenses. In line were Parappa from PlayStation All Stars, Salad Fingers from Newgrounds Rumble, and Jigglypuff. Well, that would be easy pickings. Marvin, using his bubble gun, shot Jigglypuff and trapped her in a spherical prison.
"So, what say you not mind me coming up first?" Marvin said. "Oh, hello there you little tiny sausage..." Salad Fingers whispered as he went to touch Marvin's pink armor. "I guess you could go and mosey up ahead... that is, if you provide with some AMBROSIAL nettles..." Out of all the Earthlings he met at this party, this green one was without a doubt one of the strangest. "I'm not going to do that and degrade myself by entering Earth's untamed biospheres." "Well, that's a shame," Salad Fingers said, "but perhaps if you could lend me something... rusty... I would trade my spot in line." "It's just something rusty. Something old. You won't sacrifice your dignity," Marvin thought to himself, giving him a rusty flare gun he used for one of the Looney Tunes' basketball outings which he never participated in. "Oh, yes..." squeed Salad Fingers as he went further backstage and started to caress it like some sort of sex toy. By now, Parappa was almost finished with rapping "Airplanes" by B.O.B., and it was his turn to woo the audience. The curtains parted to reveal him up on the stage.
"Sorry, fellow performers, I just need a second to take in this new orgasmic feeling..." Salad Fingers shouted in his hoarse, whispery tone. Marvin was nervous. Everything was on the line. He had to impress his sweetheart, so he cleared his throat for a minute before looking at the crowd.
"Um, I would like to dedicate this song to my beloved gladiatorial angel sent from above... Diana."
The crowd gasped as a spotlight was shifted to Wonder Woman and Palutena, about to kiss each other on the lips. "I know that your Earthling heart has fallen for another, but please, listen to me! My cold, alien heart has been sent aflutter ever since I first laid eyes on you."
"What the donk is this guy doing?" Jake questioned, face-palming himself with an enlarged hand.
"Ever since I was brought here to this new experience, I absolutely LOATHED it. But the thought of seeing you on the other side of the arena has kept me from despair."
"Well, this is too sappy for its own good," Tankman groaned, "Hey Kratos, wanna get some beer? It'll make this shitstain's ramblings more tolerable."
"And so I now express my feelings in what many of you Earthlings call... song."
Marvin started to sing "Everybody Loves Somebody," but he actually sounded pretty good? His voice fit naturally with the suave tone he was aiming for, and he even did a few stunts with a UFO. Many were wowed by this display, but Wonder Woman wasn't buying it.
"Sorry, but I've already made up my mind. Palutena's everything I could ask for in a wife."
"Well, you! You have made me angry...", he pulled out a paralyzer gun, "very angry INDEED!"
With one pull of a trigger he attempted to shoot at Palutena, but using her reflect she bounced off the beam and it hit him instead.
Dr. Mario had to lift Marvin up on a stretcher and take him to some form of ER. Everyone was in shock at what had just unfolded.
A few hours later, Marvin returned from the Smash Mansion's hospital. Surprisingly, someone came to greet him.
"Um, hello, little Mars guy!" Pit sheepishly greeted himself. "Don't fool me, Earth child. You are in cahoots with the woman who stole my wife!" "No, no! I actually... want to help you! Lady Palutena saw how in love you were with Diana, and we wanted to make sure you had someone else to be with."
"So, are you playing Cupid for me, angel boy? That's rich."
"Well, yeah. But I think I have someone I'd like you to talk to. Of course, it's back at the dining area."
"Sure. I can't be bothered with anything else, right?"
Meeting up, he saw the same alien with that pink carapace he tried to woo mere hours ago, Dark Samus. Pit tried to reign Marvin into this and give him some cards to work off of. All the while he was flying above them, just behind the stage lights. "Um... so, how about that weather?" Dark Samus rolled her pupilless eyes and slouched down further back into her chair. "Pink... looks good on you!" She started to raise her blaster at him in response. "Shit! I'm never going to get someone who likes me for me! This is all your fault, flying Earth creature!" He struck Pit with a blast from his lazer gun, knocking him down on the floor. This caught Dark Samus's attention, and it seemed that for once, she didn't view a lifeform other than hers as inferior.
"Well, you like destruction and conquest, right?" Dark Samus nodded her head. "Well, if you and I date together, we can blow up the Earth with our combined might! Doesn't that sound lovely?" She put her hands around his, as they looked at each other as if they were long-lost lovers reunited. "Let's go tie that pesky rabbit to one of his rockets!" They walked off together in the glow of moonlight.
"I...I did it, Lady Palutena..." Pit gasped before slamming himself further on the floor unconscious.
Palutena and Diana saw this, and smiled as they sat on a luscious hill, the sound of Bugs Bunny being launched away like a firework in the background.