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all of this is my own personal experience and was written to spread awareness about actual md that goes way beyond imagining yourself in an edit. please stop claiming you are a maladaptive daydreamer just because you do this one thing

do not bash on me or tell me that this is embarrassing, this is a real condition that might not be formally recognized yet, but it is so very real and you belittle us by making md a lesser deal than it is or making fun of it in general, not to mention that this is a vulnerable subject for me and deciding to put this out here already tested my courage, be kind⠀^.^

do not ask if I am diagnosed, there is no way to get diagnosed for md because, as stated previously, it is not a professionally recognized condition yet LOL

maladaptive daydreaming is an informally recognized condition, dumbed down it's when an individual daydreams excessively which usually acts as a coping mechanism, a way to escape reality or a hobby. that is exactly my case! maladaptive daydreaming is the biggest hobby of mine that I use to cope first and foremost, it's apart of my daily life and really makes an impact on my schedule, my availability and other general social interactions. i cannot imagine how people fill their free time without maladaptive daydreaming

i've been like this for as long as i remember, i can narrow it down to my childhood but nothing more specific. that is also why i'm unable to pinpoint the reason why maladaptive daydreaming came to me, but i am not going to elaborate on this, i wanna keep my childhood drama to myself LOL

from what i see, people don't seem to realize how frequent my maladaptive daydreaming episodes are. i'm unable to tell you how many times an hour i do it because that depends on whether i'm doing anything or not but god i could do this all day. i used to wake up earlier than i needed intentionally to daydream before school mind you, this is something that i can't just let go of.

i've been told to make a schedule and follow it so that i can take on school easier, but little do you know professor, i can't just make plans and stick to them because i need the freedom to daydream.

this is also why i don't seem to spend a lot of time actively playing games with my friends, calling or whatever else. i can't just do one thing for hours on end, i have to daydream in the middle of it. i tell myself that i want to finish this and that before i go sleep and i know that it'll take me like an hour to do, but in the end i end up going to sleep two hours later because of maladaptive daydreaming episodes

md replaces my social interaction and makes me unproductive in general, but it's so comforting and just a big part of me, i wouldn't get over a lot of stuff if it wasn't for this coping mechanism. and honestly it can always be worse, i could cope by doing some disgusting shit or whatever, at least this doesn't bother anyone

my maladaptive daydreaming scenarios mostly revolve around my interests, i get motivated anytime i consume something new or think of something i could put my characters through, usually inspired by whatever i see on the internet. after finishing a movie or even being midway through a series or something, i just have to get up and imagine my silly little characters going through the plot of what i watched

i can clearly remember how my md episodes grew, first it was just dumb stuff as in i would pretend to be the horse and bounce around while watching my sister play alicia online (horse racing game, explains the horse LMFAO) and whatever but my first like. i don't fucking know what to call it, my setup was just... putting on, iirc, a music video or some of the sort and standing up at my desk while acting out a character in my scenario

my movement was restrained so i could only look around but i remember also doing stuff with my hands and such, back then i think my scenarios mainly revolved around teenage mutant ninja turtles and fnaf. this is really embarrassing so cut me some slack, but i really liked michelangelo (i hope i'm spelling that right) like the... the orange one or whatever. he was the youngest and like, this might be wrong but also the weakest or easy to poke fun at or whatever, at least that is what i remember

i had a weird thing for liking the most pathetic characters or especially victims of bullying and then imagining them being the main character or a cool hero or whatever, i liked this trope even before it came to gacha. sorry i told you this was going to be embarrassing

i shared my room with my sister even back then and she was not exactly the most understanding to say the least, i have this memory of her just laughing and being confused as i just kept telling her to stop looking at me. oh whatever... i also used to shut both curtains on my window just enough to cover me, terrified anyone else would see me doing bullshit

the following few years after that are a blur but as far as i know, i never stopped with it. i just started doing things a little differently, this time going to the living room + kitchen area and being able to run around like an idiot. while daydreaming, people make expressions or get into it and skip around a little without realizing it. Me, i'm people. i do exactly that. i just wanted to point out that it's a known and general thing a lot of people with md do.

the next thing worth mentioning that i remember is my creepypasta phase, oh boy buckle up

i don't remember how i got into creepypasta in the first place, but throughout all these years it has stuck with me, all thanks to maladaptive daydreaming. that is exactly why i am bringing this up.

i watched all kinds of creepypasta mmd music videos, skits, vines, you name it! but most importantly, i watched this specific creepypasta school lps series and god it's funny how the creator has no idea what those few stupid videos have done to me.

somehow, with some time, the creepypasta school setting rubbed off on me enough to make it the standard placement and scenario for my maladaptive daydreaming episodes to this very day. dear hit lps youtuber gagiva, you influenced a big part of a silly girl's life just by posting your self indulgent lps creepypasta videos, be honored

you can already guess who my favorite was if you know anything about me. it was indeed ben drowned, he and jeff were the biggest victims of slenderman's bullying and trashtalking in the AU, see the pattern?

ben fucking drowned, a stupid blonde boy from a made up story who just so happened to be the awkward, pathetic punching bag in an lps series. you matter so much to me, always have.

i am once again not sure how i really came to this, but since he was my favorite and my daydreams usually revolve around characters interacting with each other instead of real people and myself, i started viewing him as a sona of some sort. gradually, i kept changing him little by little to fit my current scenario and such.

my maladaptive daydreaming sona is now, years later, called kasper, a name i used to go by back when i was woker and influenced by the regretevator fandom, he is... ben, pretty much. that has not really changed. kasper is my main character for my scenarios involving him, and i will get to the rest later

remember how i talked about ben and jeff both being victims and therefore friends in the lps series? no surprise here, but jeff is still kasper's / ben's best friend, sometimes pictured as a crush too, depends how i want my story to go. jeff is not really different, just easier to talk to than canon jeff since he was like this in the lps series too

as for the other characters... yes, slenderman is still the bully. along with his sidekick purple guy, whatever the fuck he's doing there. don't ask me for answers, ask the lps youtuber herself.

more corny stuff incoming as if i'm already not embarrassing myself enough, my usual scenario goes something like this: i have this picture of the school and the outside, not sure if that's how i started picturing it inside my head myself or if i was influenced by something perhaps in the lps series, but there's a whole setting and nature i imagine naturally.

this probably came from the average gacha life content back in 2020, but almost ALL of my scenarios are about like... i suppose the bystanders being teleported into another universe where my main character just does whatever bullshit? and gets a reaction out of the others, if that makes sense? like the two universes fuse together i suppose. it makes sense to only me, stop laughing this is a real condition LMFAO

the other tiny bit of scenarios are actually just. me making up conversations but that is not exactly important, i'm just trying to make sure that i include everything i want to cover

i'm going to write a separate rentry about this, but even as i grew out of my creepypasta phase... the characters stuck to me. they were always themselves, always the creepypastas that they were from the start. creepypasta has been with me my entire life through maladaptive daydreaming even as i stopped paying attention to the media entirely, i can't explain how much i cherish this fandom especially now that it's my biggest interest once again.

thank you for the service creepypasta fandom, i so love you guys. anyway, i'll move on from this now

only recently did i start setting up a slightly different character composition in my daydreams, when i got into tfc (sorry) i naturally started daydreaming about mainly it, but i was up for a change this time since i couldn't exactly fit the characters into my usual school stuff and such

i kept up the whole fusing universes or teleporting gig, but this time it was like... I guess characters meeting their alter egos? something like those stupid gacha life reacts to ___ videos if you think about it hard enough?

well my tfc phase barely lasted 2 months and then i got back into, you know it, creepypasta again. god they're back again what the fuck, how can stupid horror stories on the internet be this involved in my fucking life?

jokes aside, i continued with the same setting even with creepypasta and well, ben isn't exactly my main character anymore neither is it the usual school kinda universe and kasper is not even there most of the time, but liu's on the spotlight now. i got him some friends because i delve into favoritism sorry, honestly it's more of like... a mix between normal slendermansion and the whole alter ego thing with slendermansion dominating but whatever, i'm going to keep some of my dignity and not go too into detail with it anymore

i do wonder how different my maladaptive daydreaming experience will be in the future, maybe i'll stop or have way more embarrassing scenarios to share, maybe creepypasta will continue to follow me deep in the back of my mind, maybe nothing will change and i'll be stuck at the bullshit i made up at 16 almost 17 years old forever

in conclusion, maladaptive daydreaming is a big part of me that i'm sometimes ashamed of, but i hope that this dumb rant about me educated some of you anyway, reminder to be respectful because this is a real condition, thx for reading my slop ♡ i apologize for any mistakes or sentences that contradict one another or make no sense, icba to beta read this right now