A Reluctant All-Out Attack
Christopher stirred as his nostrils registered a familiar smell.
Bacon? Christopher thought blearily. “Can’t be.” Christopher whispered resting his head back on his pillow. He lay there for a moment, but the smell didn’t stop assaulting his nostrils. “Only dad wou--” His eyes thrust open.
Christopher shot out of bed. He raced down the stairs. With a skid he came to his kitchen to behold a mountain of a man working at the stove. He wore a pair of brown slacks and a white dress shirt, his suit jacket was hanging on a hook by the door. His tie thrust behind his back as he worked the stove. The man turned as Christopher came into the kitchen. He smiled broadly.
“Hey Chris! Sleep well?”
Christopher smiled, a wide genuine smile, “yeah dad, welcome home!”
Mr. Cain set a plate of bacon, eggs and a stack of four pancakes in front of Christopher. Christopher looked at the pile of food, then back to his father. “I’m not a horse.”
Without a word Mr. Cain pointed to the trashcan. Christopher followed his finger, knowing full well the sight that would greet him. The trashcan would be empty, if not for the pile of half finished gas station bentos. Those averaged about 525 calories each. Christopher would have maybe 2 a day and Mr. Cain could do math.
“Are you eating at school?” Mr. Cain asked, his voice hard.
Christopher averted his eyes.
“How many calories do you need in a day young man?”
“1600 to 2200.”
“2000 at least! You’re a boy and a mesotherm.”
“Am not! I’m an ectotherm!”
“Don’t backsass me, you’re a late bloomer is all.”
Christopher began to form a retort but his dad beat him to the punch. “EVEN IF YOU ARE AN ECTOTHERM, how many calories should you eat?”
“… 2000-2200 to avoid looking emaciated.”
“And how many have you been eating?”
“… 1200?”
Mr. Cain looked at the bentos in the trash, many were only half finished. “If you’re eating 1000 I’d be shocked.”
Christopher averted his eyes.
Mr. Cain slapped another flapjack on top of Christopher’s stack and set syrup in a saucer next to his plate. “Any more complaints?”
Christopher sighed and picked up his fork.
Christopher waddled towards school his stomach filled to bursting. He was sluggish and tired after his dad made sure he finished that damn plate. Christopher felt the food slosh around in his stomach like a leaden weight. He wasn’t sure he’d eat again today, despite still being 1200 calories from his dad’s goal. Christopher’s shoulders slumped, it seemed like he was going to spend all day eating just to reach THAT goal. Still, he had to admit, it was good to have dad home again.
“Finally!” A familiar voice cut through Christopher’s thoughts like a hot knife through butter.
Christopher looked to the voice’s source. He beheld Inigo standing triumphantly in front of the school’s gates, looking straight at Christopher. Gigan was prostrate beside Inigo, bowing in Christopher’s direction. He was preemptively apologizing for something.
Inigo smiled, “I’ve been waiting for you!”
Christopher looked at Gigan, then back to Inigo. Then turned to go back home. “I’ll just say I caught a cold.” He whispered. Inigo caught Christopher by the collar and began to drag him towards school.
“Now that my quest for love is finished I can help you!”
“Help me with what?!” Christopher pleaded, heels dragging helplessly on pavement. He looked to Gigan. Gigan couldn’t meet Christopher’s eyes.
“With your own lovequest! Don’t you remember?”
Christopher’s face fell. He’d read something like that in Inigo’s file, but to think Inigo would actually follow through with that. The food in his stomach sloshed nervously. He wanted to vomit.
“Inigo!” A female voice shouted. It was the first time Christopher was relieved to hear that tone.
Rosethorn-sensei walked towards the pair. Christopher’s face lit up. She’d save him from the Hell that would surely follow if Inigo was allowed to have his way. Beautiful wonderful teacher that she was. “Inigo why are you dragging Chris-kun?”
“He was trying to get away!” Inigo responded without misssing a beat. Christopher’s face fell. Oh God she might believe that.
Rosethorn looked at Christopher. Her eyes bored into him. “Were you?”
Christopher began to answer, realized he had been trying to get away, then averted his eyes. Rosethorn looked at Inigo. “Carry on.”
Christopher’s shoulders slumped as Inigo dragged him into the school. Gigan followed, his body language mirroring Christopher’s own.
“Now~” Inigo began as soon as he was out of Rosethorn’s ear shot. “Who was it you had a crush on?”
Christopher sighed.
Chihiro
“So you see Christopher’s a really good guy and--” Chihiro stopped listening to Inigo, then looked at Christopher. “What’s he trying to do?”
“Trying to set the two of us up.”
“Do you want to be set up with me?”
“Not really, no offense, I just don’t think we’d work.”
“None taken and agreed, so why’re you here?” Inigo hadn’t noticed their conversation yet, too caught up in extolling Christopher’s virtues to notice external stimuli.
Christopher shrugged, as Inigo began to build up even more momentum. “Peer pressure.”
Yui
“Absolutely not!” Christopher hissed as Inigo began to drag him towards Yui, who was currently engrossed in a delinquent manga.
“Huh? I mean she’s a little rough around the edges but she’s not that bad.”
“No, I get along with Yui fine, but not like that.”
“But isn’t there something beautiful about friendship blossoming into something more!” Inigo held a hand over his heart, clearly moved by the thought.
“’Friendship’ is a little…” Christopher looked down. Was Yui a friend? Did he have the confidence to say that? He looked back up about to say he viewed their relationship as a bit ambiguous. Inigo was gone. Christopher panicked as he saw Inigo reach Yui’s desk.
“Yui, can I talk to you about--”
“Keep walking Inigo. I’m at the best part.” Yui didn’t even look up from her manga. But string gathered around her left hand.
“Understandable, have a nice day.” Even Inigo had limits to his courage Christopher noted.
Noah
“I remember this angelic girl that’d be perfect for you!” Inigo said for the fifth time since lunch started 20 minutes ago. Christopher was sitting on the floor, back against the wall, thoroughly exhausted. Gigan was resting on Inigo’s shoulder, wearing a thousand yard stare. “You wouldn’t believe what she smelled like! Just heavenly. Like God’s gift to men everywhere!”
“I’m not interested.”
“It’s too early to give up!” Inigo shouted. “Do you know how many times I was rejected before I found my Maru?”
“You asking how many individuals or how many times?”
“A true man doesn’t keep score!”
“I know of a dozen. I’d estimate somewhere around 36 independent rejections thought.”
“Like I s-- wait, 36?”
“It’s an estimate, why? You think more? Less?”
Inigo’s face fell. He didn’t know what hurt more. That Christopher thought he’d been rejected so many times, or that he was like 1 off. “You know what, let’s forget the angel.”
“That angel you remember was likely Noah.” Christopher suggested. Gigan nodded.
“No no, this was definitely a girl. I almost kissed her, I was so close I could smell her perfume.”
“Bet it was cologne.” Gigan nodded again.
“Enough of that! On to the next target!”
Orochi
“Not interested.” Orochi responded, forcing her way past Inigo.
Inigo kept step beside Orochi. “Look, maybe I’m not selling him right, listen let’s just--” Inigo looked around, “where’s Christopher?”
Orochi pointed behind her, “he wandered off two halls back. Your dragon went with him.”
“What?!” Inigo huffed. “Of all the nerve, here I am trying to get him a girlfriend and he just wanders off?! Just ungrateful.”
“It dawn on you he doesn’t want a girlfriend?” Orochi asked, bemused.
Inigo looked at Orochi, he looked like she’d just spoken a foreign language.
Orochi shook her head and walked away. “Guess not.”
Inigo shook his head. She didn’t get it. Men weren’t like girls, they couldn’t just wait for someone to come get them, you had to seek them out! And if Christopher didn’t get that, he’d just have to show him!
Kaylee
“e4.”
“d5.”
“xd5.”
“kf6.”
“kc3.”
“kxd5.”
“kxd5.”
“qxd5.”
“d4.”
“kc6.”
Gigan, wearing a tophat and a monocle nodded at the board.
“kf3.”
“bg4.”
“be2.”
“Queen-side O=O”
“King-side O=O”
“kxd4.”
“kxd4.”
“bxe2.”
Inigo snored.
“qxe2.”
“qxd4.”
“be3.”
“qxb2.”
“bxa7.”
“b6.”
“You don’t want to trap the bishop in this position, it’s checkmate in 9 or you lose a rook in 5.”
“You can see 9 moves ahead?” Kaylee asked doubtful. Gigan tried to count the moves on his fingers. Inigo snorted in his sleep.
“It’s a well known trap, look let’s play it out and then we’ll reset the board.”
“qa6.”
“Kd7’s the only legal move right?”
“Yeah, then I move the queen’s rook to d1, at which point I’ll either win a rook, since your king’s bishop isn’t developed, or you try to protect the rook with Ke8 which will be checkmate in 5.”
Kaylee counted out the moves. Yeah, it was checkmate. Gigan whistled.
“Damn. So what should I have done?”
“Honestly? I hate the Scandinavian, it surrenders the development lead to white. Some grand masters use it, but even they only use it occasionally; it sees more use in Blitz where they’re trying to use lines their opponent doesn’t have prepared. I’d say you’d be better off mastering the Caro-Kann or the Modern for your e4 response. I’d suggest modern, since it treats Queen’s pawn the same as King’s pawn.”
Gigan nodded in agreement.
“Modern makes my head hurt.”
“Just think of it in terms of ‘my opponent has pieces in the center, how do I make that as uncomfortable as possible?’ You aren’t wrong there are a lot of lines to memorize, but there’s only one or two you should have to worry about at your level.”
“My level?”
“No offense.”
“No, it’s fair. So can you walk me through those lines?”
“Sure.”
Inigo fell out of his chair with a start, drawing Kaylee and Christopher’s attention. He looked up blearily. “Has love bloomed?”
“No,” Kaylee answered, “go back to sleep. I’m learning.”
Inigo nodded and let his head fall into Gigan’s freshly formed pillow.
Maru
The pair, one willing, the other unwilling, entered the cafeteria during lunchtime. Inigo looked around quickly, then upon spotting Maru, began to drag Christopher towards her. Christopher, listless, locked eyes on Inigo’s next target as they were about half towards her. He dug his heels into the ground. Inigo, shocked by the sudden resistance looked behind him. He beheld a wide-eyed and vaguely disgusted Christopher.
“…”
“What?”
“Are you into NTR?”
“What? No!” Inigo shouted. “I wanted to ask her for advice.”
“I don’t judge, but I’m not into this.”
“It’s not NTR!”
“Open relationships usually don’t involve introducing your partner to a potential lover. If you do, that’s NTR.”
“Shut up!”
He approached Maru. “Hey, Maru, I need some advice I’m trying to set Christopher up with someone but we’re kindof striking out.”
Maru looked up at her ‘it’s complicated’ paramour. Then she looked at Christopher, her eyes narrowed. “So this is what you devote your energy to? Don’t you remember what I said? You and I could be actual academic rivals if you would just devote your energy to your studies and yet here you are, devoting an inordinate amount of time to seeking out a paramour? I’m disappointed in you Chris, I thought you had more sense.”
Christopher sighed as he helplessly held up his sleeve, still being held by Inigo.
“Oh.” Maru breathed as she put the situation together. Her ire turned towards Inigo.
“Baka, you should encourage Chris to put more energy into his studies, not waste time in this useless endeavour.”
“It’s not useless!” Inigo declared, loudly. The cafeteria went quiet. The strength of his declaration drew every ear towards him. Maru was silent. Christopher tried to desperately free himself. Gigan attempted to help Christopher, but their efforts were too feeble in the face of Inigo’s conviction.
Inigo knelt down next to Maru. Her face colored at his quick approach, but she dared not speak as Inigo began. “Nothing that led me to you could ever be useless Maru. I refuse to think of any of the 37 rejections I went through as useless.”
Inigo grabbed Maru’s hand with his free hand. Maru offered no resistance. Maru was overcome. “I don’t regret any of the no’s I got, because they led me to the ONE yes that mattered.”
“Who said I ever said yes?” Maru asked shakily, her free hand over her mouth. “Baka.”
“Your eyes tell me everything I need to know.”
Christopher contemplated gnawing his arm off. Gigan buried his face into Christopher’s shoulder, in silent apology that his efforts to free him from this moment of cringe were in vain. The cafeteria broke into scattered applause.
Clawed white hands grabbed Maru and Inigo by their faces. And pulled their heads to an ample chest. “You two are so cute!~”
Inigo and Maru’s faces turned beat red as Nene-senpai began to purr with pleasure at cuddling her cute kouhais. “I could just eat you both right up!~”
“Yes please!” Maru exclaimed. Then realized what she said and clamped her jaw shut. Inigo looked at her, outraged for a split second, then… not so outraged. Interested. Maru’s gaze found the ceiling.
Nene laughed delighted at Maru’s rapidly reddening face, then noticed Inigo’s hand. “Who’s shirt is that?”
Inigo, regretfully tore his eyes away from his blushing paramour then looked at the hand which clutched Christopher’s now empty shirt. Gigan was standing atop Inigo’s hand. The dragon saluted a comrade successfully fled.
“Christopher! That little shit ran!”
“Eh~” Nene purred, “you lose your friend?” She reached around Maru’s head then cupped Inigo’s chin, forcing him, but not having to try very hard, to make him look into her eyes. “Need a different hand to hold?~”
For once, Inigo was at a loss for words.
Christopher let Maru’s quirk drop when he was back in his room. Face beat red. Shirtless and shoulders slumped. He sat on his bed, holding his head in both hands. He tried to collect himself, but failed every time his mind went back to his cat senpai. He swallowed and closed his eyes. He tried to remind himself he was 2, maybe 3, years younger than her and that he was decidedly unappealing. There was no point in having a crush on her. Nothing was working whenever her image came back into his mind.
Shaking his head, Christopher lay back on his bed with a squeak. He really wished she had a quirk he could copy. Then forgetting her wouldn’t be a problem.
“Chris?!” His dad’s voice came from downstairs. “You better not be skipping!”
Christopher turned Maru’s quirk back on, and went to get a new shirt. His dad would call the school to make sure he went today. There was no avoiding it, he had to go back.
Taking a breath, Christopher steeled himself for the reality of being in the same building as that damn cat. There was no use pining for someone he couldn’t have and yet he couldn’t help it. He hated emotions, he hated them so damn much. He put on a new shirt, still unable to forget how his heart had raced just minutes ago. For the first time, Christopher envied Inigo, for his courage if nothing else.