Italian Dog BF by anonymous & /bara/hmoma/ writefrien

anthro bf that curses like that in italian

my wildest erotic dream desu.

Italian St. Bernard BF
Making dinner for him
Do a little trolling and break the spaghetti noodles in half to fit in the pan
Watch him have a conniption

"anon wha- nooo what are you doing?!"
"porco dio anon, t-the spaghetti, they're..."
"nooo...madonna troia, fuck you this isn't "alright", i'm not eating that"

he proceeds to not speak a single word to you for two days straight.

"You can't! You can't pUT THE CHICKEN ON THE PASTA! STOOOP!"
"My spaghetti is fine on it's own! OI CHE CAZZO YOU PUT THAT IN THE PAN I LEAVE YOU!"
"You no ruin my italian food with this mix everything shit! Sit down my love I make dinner!"

hey anon what noodles would you like for the pasta
idk aren’t they all the same

Pounding your italian worlfman to a smooth playlist
Suddenly the track you downloaded for a joke and forgot to delete comes on

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czTksCF6X8Y

unconsciously start ramming his ass to the music
Threatens to rip out your spleen but he just came so hard his legs went numb

He's rightfully nervous when you're invited to meet his extended family.
His mother, father, several brothers and sisters (each!) and his beloved nonna are all going to be there.
You've heard his exasperated conversations with them over the phone before, for example:
"No Mama, MAMA, NO I LOVE HIM MAMA...YES HE BROKE THE PASTA BUT HE'S A GOOD GUY!"
"N-No don't put Papa... Hi Papa... Yes... No... No... Yeah mixed with chicken... non parla italiano... Sì, un essere umano.. Aww PA HE'S A GOOD GUUUUY"

Arrive for dinner
Hardly have time to take off your coat and shake hands before you're yoinked into the kitchen and given an impromptu lesson in italian cooking
His parents are all business, you can see they clearly believe educating you is necessary for the survival of you and their son

After learning some pretty interesting stuff, you feel like you could do a whole meal up for your bf and not have him freak out.
However, that'd mean you'd lose the opportunity for some amazing angry sex, plus you found him absolutely adorable when he was all flustered
Things calm down after dinner and everyone's settling in. You take a seat next to your bf
He pours you out some red wine and asks if you were ok, he couldn't come into the kitchen because nonna said the facebook was broken again.
You brush it off and tell him you had a lot of fun.
You then immediately reach for the ice bucket that the white wine is cooling in and pick up a cube.
"wh-what're you...No...NO THAT'S A RED WINE STOP!"
You casually resist his attempts to bat the ice cube in your hand away from the wine, while you casually asks if his mom knows how to make gnocchi
He looks like he wants to die when you pronounce it "guh no chi"
He can't wrestle your hand away as the ice cube gets closer and closer to the wine glass.
So he takes you by surprise and envelops your entire hand in his mouth.
He grips your wrist like a vise and is refusing to let go until the ice is totally melted.
It's surprisingly erotic, having him suckle on your fingers like this, and you're frankly stunned for a moment.
...and then the door swings open
"Hey bro have you seen th-WOAH NEVERMIND I'LL COME BACK LATER"

Oh fuck.

A couple days later, you go back over to his parent's place
you went to the store and got some canned tomatoes, a bag of shredded mozzerella cheese, and a few different jars of tomato sauce
on the way there your bf begs you not to piss off his parents
you say "yeah okay, sure" and walk in
they look at you kinda funny about the wine thing and brush it off
you say hi and put your bag down in the kitchen, hoping they wouldn't notice
you all seem to have a good time, but then you see your bf's parents get up to go get everyone more drinks
you wink at your bf, and he looks at you kind of strange
20 seconds later you hear a scream from the kitchen and your bf's eyes widen
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!"
Your bf closes his eyes and pinches his nose
A few moments later that bag of shredded cheese you got flies towards your bf and tears open, spilling cheese everywhere
"PRE-SHREDDED CHEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"
Your bf's mom stormed outside holding a can of tomatoes you bought, actual hatred on her face.
You never thought you would see your bf this shooken
"CANNED. FUCKING. TOMATOES?!"
He sighs and starts talking "Hey look, I can explai-" before she starts screaming something in Italian
His ears perk up and he starts arguing back
Pretty soon all 3 of them are screaming in Italian while his brother watches

Things escalate as you catch enough words to make a barebones translation
According to his parents, you were a "devil who grabs good food by the hair and violently somethings it"
Your boyfriend replied that he "didn't care that you tried to put ketchup on broken up spaghetti, you were a good man and he would do all the cooking" aww, he was totally getting some road head on the way home for that
One of his brothers chimed in, asking how he was gonna work full shifts at the garage and cook for two
"I-I'LL DO MEAL PLANNING ON SUNDAY"
"YOU GONNA TAKE ALL OF THE SABBATH TO MAKE FOOD THAT'LL BE STALE ON A FRIDAY?!"
"IT'S IN TUPPERWARE YOU DUMB FUCK IT WON'T GO STALE"
As the argument ramped up again, you realized this was probably from everyone refusing to touch the food, wolves were the worst when they got hangry
Well, as much fun as torturing your BF was, you should probably stop him from having to elope with you.
Nonna was the only one who seemed totally unperturbed by the drama, she complimented your chicken parm!
You asked her if she could help you out with something real quick while everyone "talked things out"
She followed, warning you that Umberto (your bf's dad) was going to get his baseball bat if you pulled any more stunts.
You smiled reassuringly before handing her your business card. Her eyes were like dinner plates as you casually asked if she had any heavy cream on hand
Judging by the volume of the argument inside, you had a couple hours to get things going and stop a feud.
Nonna was more than on board, she was surprisingly spry for a woman in her late 70's as she happily took the role of sous-chef on
See, you had been dating your bf for quite some time, but the subject of your career wasn't really discussed, you loved him, which is all he needed
Plus, telling him you were the head baker of "Cerise", the most well known bakery in the city would have made messing with them way less funny
Anon specializes in French high complexity artisanal baking, lots of refined and hard to acquire products make him used to being weird and improvising with food
After long shifts of constantly making complex and demanding cakes, tarts, breads and soufflés, sometimes you just wanna throw whatever is in the fridge together and make a tasty mess
You had elected to temporarily throw away this devil-may-care cooking style to bring peace back to this home.
Like a pro-sports player, you activated your inner switch, resetting your mind and entering "baker" mode
To the outward observer (nonna in this case) the very air around you changed. Gone was the handsome and culinarily misguided human. Replaced with an apex predator of the cooking world
To cook is to follow your sense of taste, but to bake is to know exactly how to construct your food in the most ideal form with laser precision.
Normally you'd elect one of your specialty French dishes, but since time was of the essence, you needed to make it quick and Italian.
It took you thirty seconds of prep-time and browsing to decide what to make, a Tiramisu
Nonna would give your team at work a run for their money, she seemed more than happy to casually chat with you and innocently try to get as many secrets from you as possible, while keeping up with you like a pro
You finished well behind schedule, sharing a coffee and explaining how you liked to use a little almond oil to nonna as you let it set.
Your baker's sense of timing was right on the dot. Your bf burst through the door, red faced and muttering under his breath
"Anon, we are leaving"
"Babe, go sit at the table with your parents"
"ANON I-"
"TABLE. PARENTS. NOW."
Looking absolutely bewildered at your sudden sharpness, he quietly retreated
It was a little too early for your liking, but the cream held it's shape as you brought it out for the judging, passable.'
Everyone was in various states of dishevelment from the argument.
Hackles were up and teeth were bared as you carefully placed the dish on the table
Eyes rolled as they realized that you made this. Though you had some curious sniffers on your side
Retrieving a spoon and your business card. You uncovered the Tiramisu, naturally it was almost flawless.
Now their ears were perked.
With a smile you flicked your card down the table towards your bf's parent's.
As they read the embossed card (eggshell with romalian type), You carefully cut up a some samples and served it around with Nonna's help
They seemed reluctant, suspicious even, but the parents were doing a shot-for-shot replay of Nonna's reaction as they finally realized that this was your business card
They dug in without hesitation, and the others soon followed suit.
Their fur stood on end as they experienced what a seasoned baker going all out could do.
They were like pups as their own instincts and hunger betrayed any pride they might have had.
There were delighted hums, approving nods, and the tension in the air melted away with the flavors of sweet cream and coffee
Though naturally, someone had to ask the burning question.
"If you're a professional baker in such a classy place like that, why did you make such hobo food before?" Ouch...
You explained that being in baker mode all the time was exhausting, and that the way your bf's tail bushed up when he was mad was the cutest thing ever. (You omitted the part where angry sex was just plain amazing)
Your bf looked ready to kill you as they joked about how he used to be called "coda crespa" from how all the fur got knotted up from him doing that.
You were definitely ending tonight with bite marks all over you and demands for a week's worth of cannoli after dessert.
Totally worth it.