A Hard Conversation

Christopher Cain sat in the kitchen of his apartment. The apartment was still sparsely decorated, a few family photos, mom’s shrine near the front door, a couple plaques and trophies ‘decorated’ the wall. Neither he nor his father were very interested in interior design. ‘...dad.’

Christopher hadn’t seen his father in over a week. They’d talked over the phone. They’d exchanged pleasantries, said I love you and avoided the subject of Christopher’s hospitalization like the plague. Supposedly that was to end tonight.

Christopher studied the phone in his hand. The enigmatic text message ‘we need to talk’ was displayed in bold letters. He glanced at the top of his phone, at its clock. 2400, the hour his dad usually made it home.

Christopher closed his eyes. His dad knew everything. He’d asked Rosethorn to tell him. He just didn’t know how his dad would respond. Would he come in and try to talk him into dropping out of Shiketsu? Would he have some other punishment ready? He waited for the jingle of keys at his apartment’s front door. He waited for what increasingly felt like the hour of judgment.

He waited.

And waited.

… Nearly 0100 and he was still waiting.

Christopher checked his phone again. There was nothing from dad. There were some texts from Inigo, about his new VN… ignore. There was a text from Maru asking about his studies. Answer in the morning. If Maru found out he was still up she’d ring his neck. There was a Bible verse from Noah. Cat pictures from Yui. Gameplay videos from Orochi. Imai talking about Ashleigh. Last was his group chat with Ashleigh, Yui, Orochi and… Kaylee.

Christopher grimaced. He was still taking the bus to read to her every day. He’d even been cleared to take a few days off school so it wouldn’t be an issue, but if she didn’t wake up soon--

A jingle at the door grabbed Christopher’s attention. With a click, the front door was opened and his father appeared. He was a massive bear of a man. He was wearing a dingy dress shirt with his suit jacket hung over his shoulder. He had a brown cardboard box under his arm.

Christopher raised an eyebrow at the box, what was that?

James Cain saw his son and smiled. Christopher frowned. His dad seemed gaunt, like he wasn’t eating well. The man was worried. Fuck. It was Christopher’s fault.

James Cain crossed the room without a word, he gently placed the box he was carrying on the table, and tossed his suit jacket onto the floor.

Christopher raised an eyebrow at the suit on the floor. The man must be in an absolute state to do that to his jacket.

“Dad, I’m--” James swept his nearly grown son into his arms. Christopher’s eyes went wide at the unheralded embrace.

“Dad?!”

James didn’t answer. He held his bewildered son in a long embrace. Christopher’s mind raced trying to make sense of the gesture. Hugs were for children, had he done something childlike? When Yui’d hugged him he’d been crying, so the patronizing gesture had made some sense. Now? He hadn’t even said ‘hi!’ So why the fuck was his dad treating him like a child? Or was this driven by fear? Had the terror of potentially losing his son driven dad to revert back to a safer time, when Christopher was still a child?

Christopher grimaced at that thought. Before tonight, he hadn’t thought his dad could get scared. He started patting his dad on the back with one hand. It was awkward, but it was the best he could do.

“I’m alright dad.” Christopher started whispering. His dad said nothing in return, just continuing the embrace. After an indeterminate and incredibly awkward time, Christopher was finally released from the man’s arms.

James held his shocked son at arms’ length and looked his son up and down. “You look well.”

“They just kept me for observation dad, I wasn’t THAT hurt.” Christopher reassured him.

“I know.” James turned a little ashen at the reminder that Christopher had been in a HOSPITAL, but he pushed through. He teared. “But, I’m your dad, I worry.”

“Okay.” Christopher responded lamely. His eyes were transfixed on his dad’s tears. His dad wasn’t crying, but he was close. He hadn’t acted like this the first time Chris was hospitalized.

“Want to sit?” Christopher asked. He gestured towards the table. He didn’t know how to handle his dad showing emotion like this. The man was a rock… except for once. Except when his wife died. Christopher felt cold fear grip his stomach as he remembered the only time he ever saw his dad cry. Had his injuries really hurt dad that much?

James sat at the table. He brought the small cardboard box next to him with one massive hand. Christopher, still awkward, sat across from him. The two lapsed into a silence. One tried to figure out how to start a hard conversation. The other was lost.

“Dad--”

James held up a hand. Christopher stopped talking.

“I know everything.” James declared.

Christopher nodded. He knew that. He didn’t like lying to his dad, he did it too often as it was. He knew if telling his dad what happened was left up to him, he’d have just lied. So, Christopher had asked Rosethorn to rip the band aid off for him.

James placed his hand on top of the cardboard box. He looked his son in the eye. “Why Desolator?”

Christopher raised an eyebrow.

“Depending on your answer. I’ll let you go back to Shiketsu.”

Christopher’s stomach dropped. Did that mean if dad didn’t like his answer, he wouldn’t be allowed back?

“No.” Chris whispered. “You can’t--”

“I can. You’re 14, I still have legal custody.”

“I won’t get hurt again I--”

“You PROMISED me the same thing last time. How am I supposed to trust you?”

Christopher shrank. He had. “Don’t do this.”

“Then tell me, why are you going after Desolator?”

Christopher didn’t answer. He was at a loss for words.

“Is it revenge? Are you trying to kill him because of what he did to your mom?”

“No!” Christopher shouted.

Silence.

Christopher looked his dad in the eye. He couldn’t read his father’s emotional state. There was righteous indignation on the surface. There were the hints of worry. Then there was… something Christopher couldn’t place. It was the deepest emotion, the driving emotion. The emotion that was the reason this talk was happening in the first place. What was it?

The silence persisted for a few moments more. Christopher tried and failed to pierce through the outer layers of his dad’s emotional state, to get an idea of his driver. IF he knew the driver, he could answer towards that driver. He’d be able to answer so that his dad would feel he had no cause to keep him out of school.

He failed.

Christopher bit his tongue. He could try to wait out his dad. He could hope his dad would say something that might offer an insight into his true emotional state. Then he could tailor a response.

Minutes past without a word. Christopher grimaced. He was a patient man, but comparing his patience to his dad’s was like comparing a lake to an ocean. The man was used to listening to opposing counsel for hours without letting his attention slip. He could read hundreds of pages of dry trial documents without a break. Christopher was no match for that. Then there was nothing for it was there? He was just going to answer the fucking question.

“If I wanted to kill Desolator, I’d’ve snapped his neck.” Christopher began. His dad was silent.

“I thought about it the first time. Killing him, I mean. But… I decided I wasn’t a murderer. I couldn’t really figure out why I was following him if not to kill him. I came up with some explanations, but none of them were right, not really. I realized the answer this last time I fought him I--”

Christopher took a breath. He was going to have to explain something before his dad would understand. “Do you know how many people Desolator’s killed?”

“No.” His dad answered, still unreadable.

“108 confirmed, but that doesn’t count all the people he killed when he worked for the Master or kills that’re only probable. For the real number we just have estimates. The lowest I’ve ever seen was 347. Can you imagine that dad? 347 people. 347 families who went through every bit the Hell y-- we did. This last time--”

Christopher closed his eyes. He saw himself on the ground. Honoken was falling. Desolator gun aiming towards him. Christopher hand outstretched, already on Desolator. Christopher focused on the assassin’s neck, he began to squeeze. He was going to break the bastard’s neck. A thought stopped him, ‘are you the only one who gets satisfaction?’ He hesitated. He shifted his attention to the bastard’s arm. He was too slow. He was shot.

“This time, when I fought him.” Christopher continued. “I had a moment where I was going to kill the son of a bitch, but… can I really answer for anyone but mom? If I killed him then and there, mom’s death would be answered for, but his one life wouldn’t begin to bring peace to his other victims. I know it’s stupid, the courts can’t make him answer for what he’s done… but maybe they can make him answer for more than one. Maybe one more family would have some closure seeing that monster locked in a cage.”

Silence returned to the small family, but it didn’t last long.

“You’re just like her.”

“Eh?”

“Your mom.” James sighed. “She would always think about others first, no matter the subject or… personal cost.

“The media only ever saw the corny woman with lame jokes, which she was admittedly.” James smiled.

Christopher didn’t smile. He had to actively resist the urge to ask questions, to beg for examples, to try and tease out just one more nugget of information about the woman he lost. He managed it.

“What you just said, about how you don’t deserve to be the only to get satisfaction… that might as well have come out of her mouth.”

James sighed. He looked longingly at the box he brought in. Without warning he slid the box towards Christopher.

“Wh—”

“I was at your grandmother’s today.” James explained. “I picked up some of Hitomi’s belongings. You should have them.”

“Mom’s stuff?”

“Yeah, from when she was your age.”

Christopher’s hands trembled as he closed his fingers around the cardboard box. He couldn’t wait to start tearing through this.

“Does that mean--”

“I want you to transfer out of hero classes.” James said.

Christopher’s heart sank. His explanation hadn’t been enough. The truth had been the wrong answer.

“I’ve seen you hurt too many times this year and if I lose you, I have no idea what I’ll do… but, I can’t force you to transfer.” James sighed. “More like, I won’t.”

Christopher stared his father in the eye. He now knew what that emotion he couldn’t identify before. His father’s driving emotion throughout this conversation. The emotion that his father had hidden deep within his soul. Christopher hadn’t been able to identify what that emotion was, because it wasn’t a single emotion, it was two.

“I don’t have the right.” James continued. “If you’re trying to be like your mom… then I don’t have the right to stop you. She was the best person I’ve ever known and I can’t tell you how proud it’d make me if you turned out like her.”

The hidden emotions were pride and fear. James was proud of his son. Proud, because in his son he saw a glimpse of the woman he loved living on. He saw a son trying to keep his mother’s memory alive. The fear… the fear stemmed from the fact that the very thing he saw in his son, is what drove his wife to her death.

Christopher’s heart broke. He knew his father’s pride was false. His dad was seeing what he wanted to see. Christopher wasn’t trying to keep his mother’s memory alive by being a dumbass! He was just a dumbass! He should tell dad now! He couldn’t let him think that his son would die because of the example of his wife. He should just tell him he can’t remember his mom.

“Just remember something okay?” James continued oblivious to his son’s turmoil.

‘What if you die?! Are you okay letting your dad blame your mom’s memory for driving you to it?! IT’S NOT TRUE! Just come clean. Explain. You’ve done it twice now!’

“What?” Christopher croaked. ‘Coward.’

“Your mom wouldn’t want you to try to be like her. She’d want you to be happy.”

Christopher locked the voice screaming at him to tell his dad the truth deep deep down. So deep, not even he could hear it.

“I’ll try.” Christopher whispered.

“I know you will son.” James squeezed his son’s shoulder fondly then stood with a yawn. “I’m going to bed. Your grandmother’s exhausting and I have to be up in... 4 hours. Heaven help me. Good night.”

“Good night dad.”

---

Christopher lay in bed. The cardboard box his dad had brought lay on his desk, unopened. He should be tearing through it. He should be learning every scrap of information there was to know about his mom. He wasn’t.

Christopher was preoccupied by self-loathing. He fired off a few texts to Inigo. He commented on Yui’s pictures of Aoi. He called Orochi a scrub. He quoted the Bible back at Noah. He sympathized with Imai’s lovesickness. He avoided letting Maru know he was still awake. He lay in bed wondering if his mom would even want him to be happy. Maybe not, not after the way he abused her memory tonight.

Christopher sighed. ‘Now you’re not being fair to yourself. You had no idea you were acting like mom. Who knew she was a dumbass too?’

Those thoughts held little comfort. The fact was that as soon as he knew there was a way he could stay with his friends, he leapt on it. His mother’s memory be damned. He looked at the box again. Did he even have a right now? He put his phone on his chest and closed his eyes. He knew he was a shitty enough person that when he woke up he wouldn’t care if he had the right or not. Risking his dad’s memories of her or not, he wanted to know more about his mom and as he’d proven his wants--

His phone vibrated.

Christopher rolled his eyes. Inigo probably just finished another route in his new ‘life-changing’ VN. The third life-changing VN he’d played since he and Christopher had started talking.

Christopher looked at his phone, it was a line message. It wasn’t from Inigo.

fides1104: do u want to get coffee sometime? love to know what u thought of the books :D

Christopher stared at the message for a moment. “… why the wide smile?”

Fides was Faith right? Why would she want to get coffee with him? He opened line. “To talk? Why would we need to get--” Christopher’s mind finally caught up to what Faith was asking. Hifumi had said the girl had a crush on him. Christopher thought he’d shut down that possibility… apparently, he hadn’t.

Christopher stared at his message for a moment. He didn’t really have an opinion on Faith as a person. She was a bit of a crybaby and treated like the little sister of her friend group. That was the sum total of what he knew of Faith. All this text told him was that her taste in men was shit. She’d be better off he just said no, but… it was just coffee right? It wasn’t a proposal or anything big. Just a date.

Christopher deleted his first draft.

LookingGlass: Sure. Thanks-A-Latte Saturday morning work?
fides1104: Great! See you then.

Christopher snorted. “When are you going to see me dumbass?” He began to type.

fides1104: <message deleted>
LookingGlass: What time works?
LookingGlass:
replying to: OMG
?
fides1104: NO! I DDNT MN 2 SND THT 2 U!
LookingGlass: ?

Fides1104 has ended the chat.

Christopher blinked. That was an overreaction. He opened another chat.

LookingGlass has created a chat.
Fides1104 has blocked you.

“It wasn’t even bad!” Christopher laughed. She was really going to avoid talking to him just because she sent him an ‘OMG’ she hadn’t meant him to see?

Christopher chuckled. He added ‘excitable and easily embarrassed’ to Faith’s list of known traits. It could be an act. She could just be trying to act cute, by overreacting. If so, it worked. He scrolled through his class groupchat until he found Faith’s roommate. He could include a long preamble describing the incident in detail… or he could just acknowledge they were teenage girls who lived together and they were already talking about it.

LookingGlass: Can you ask Faith what time she wants to meet at Thanks A Latte?
THUNDERDOME: …
THUNDERDOME: 1000.
THUNDERDOME: She thnks u ht her now
LookingGlass: Thanks. She blocked me and I know you two are roommates.
LookingGlass: No, it was cute. Tell her I’ll see her then.
THUNDERDOME: omg, she saw ur msg.
LookingGlass: I’m sorry?
THUNDERDOME: u shd b.