Key to solving all your life problems is getting a wife. I love my wife so much uhmm I think about him 24/7. Along with fyolai and Fyodor. my wife and fyolai and fyodor >>>> literally everything else. I'll be having such a shit day then i'll remember OMG i have the cutest bf in the world. then my day is good
Errrr. Love letters for my dear adored sweet loving wonderful gorgeous cool smart husband. im kind of an emotional wreck sometimes oopsies. if you bring up any of my emotional wreckiness and you're not my lovely wife I might side eye you. actually why are you even reading this if you're not kolya... Wait actually reading this is kind of funny cuz at first i was like so scared but now im like WOAH. i fukcing love my gf. yeah
<( 15.06.24 ! )
Hello Kolya... This is being written pretty much directly after my tooth extraction... I'm starting to regain sensation in my mouth. Which is nice. It hurts less than I expected... Is this relevant? Not at all... Just felt like saying it. Anyway. I was going to write about how I'm trying to let my defenses down around you... Because even though I care for a lot of people, and I care very deeply, I still distance myself from them... More emo behavior yada yada... But then I was like "OOPS. Taking my feelings seriously is actually so scary. Not yet, maybe another time!"
SO!! Instead I'm going to talk about something else. Pretty much 8 days till our first month anni, woah... You make me feel really warm. Which is nice. This warm feeling used to be rather uncommon but now it shows up pretty much all the time when I think about you. That's really great. My showers are just a little less scalding. Also you're pervading every inch of my thoughts now. I watch an anime and I'll be like "huh which character would Kolya be?" ("Which character would I be? Are they shippable?") I think about schoolwork and I'll be like "I wonder if Kolya likes this subject?" I'll think about Crime and Punishment and be like "I wonder if Kolya is procrastinating this as much as I am?" (Yeah I've barely touched it sorry)
Also when I say "you're so cute..." I'm saying that while giggling and kickng my feet. Whereas when I say "You're So Cute." I am screaming into my hands / pillow / whatever because like actually how can something as sweet as you exist. I'm being so fr right now actually I love you So Much. I tried making my handwriting into a font and I named the file bordercollie.otf cuz you said border collies remind you of me... (I scrapped the font but still)
On a more serious note... I couldn't be too vulnerable this time but. I will. Do it. Eventually. It might take a week, it might take a year... But I'm going to try. So I hope you'll wait for me. And I'll wait for you too, if you need it, for anything. I think I'm very patient in these situations! I want us to help each other become better people, people that we can be proud of. And bring out the best in each other. So, yeah. Ok I'm done bue I love yuo...
<( 19.06.24 ! )
I don't know WHAT you've done but it's WEIRD. You should. Stop doing whatever you're doing. I don't even think you've done anything in particular... I feel so weird. I don't know if it's positive or negative or neutral. It's so weird. I keep saying weird. This may sound like it's directed at you but. It's mostly not. Like I've felt this for a while but I didn't pay too much attention to it. Just kinda brushed it aside. But now it's kind of all up in my face and whenever I think about you I feel a certain way but my brain doesn't know how to register it because it's... really new. So I kind of just. Panic? This is me just dumping out whatever right now I'm really confused... I'm gonna be so honest for a second I thought I was having a panic attack but after a while I was like "Wait. This doesn't feel like a panic attack. And also panic attacks feel cold not warm." So now I'm just. I don't know. Confused. Make it stop...
This is all heat of the moment. Help. I feel like I'm gonna look back on this later and be like "well of course it's xyz" but my brain is. Not registering it currently. Yeah. Sorry this is so cringe but I'm too lazy to make a password locked crgn right now. I will die. die dying DEAD
<( 15.07.24 ! )
I think we both kind of forgot about this thing... That's okay. I'll send you love letters penned by yours truly instead. And I'll put little stickers and nice stuff in the envelope for you. I'll make tons of bracelets and give them to you... Do you pronounce envelope as EN-vuh-lope or ON-vuh-lope? I say the latter.
I've been feeling kind of bad lately, not sure why... You make things feel a bit better though. That's really nice. I get to talk to someone other than Fedka all the time. I don't feel as nervous around you as before... Do you know how weird it feels to not feel lonely after near-sixteen years of feeling lonely? I mean, sometimes I still feel lonely. But not all the time like before. It wasn't bad before though. I'd just ignore it and obsess over something instead
Our distance still really bothers me. I have to admit I get into this weird cuddly mood sometimes. I'd probably attach myself to you and not let go if we lived in the same area? Then again, I'm kind of timid. I don't know if I'd actually do that. But the thought of it is nice. Anyway, I'm sleepy... I'll save the joint Rentry I was making for tomorrow... good night
<( 29.07.24 ! )
I was initially going to tell you this directly, but right before I started typing I was like "huh! This is probably really embarrassing to tell someone directly!" So.. here I am, I guess. Err... a bit of a trigger warning for a few small mentions of self harm discussed for this date... Feel free to skip it, it's not super important and it's SUPER long, it's 1AM and I feel like rambling
Anyway. I kind of intellectualize my feelings right? Well, I'll still feel like crap, but I'll know why it happened pretty much instantly. So my feelings are kind of predictable. They've never really felt "unexplainable," or that I don't understand why I'm having xyz feelings, they're just difficult to articulate properly sometimes, you know?
In any case. There have been two (Two!) (2) times where I felt something and I didn't know why. Which is weird! Because usually I'd know exactly what caused the feeling right away! It was just those two times. And after some digging each time both were prompted by you?! You?! My boyfriend?! What The Hell?! The second time wasn't even related to you at all. In any way, shape, or form. The first time (documented above) was hardly related to you either, since it was completely out of nowhere...???
Second time was caused by a recent relapse (DW im ok now). I usually don't feel too bad about it afterwards. But this time, I kinda felt bad about it. And it was weird because why do I feel bad?! And I usually don't feel bad?! And then I thought about it... And I thought about it... And I feel guilty?! Why?! It was. REALLY confusing. But then I figured it was probably because I'd worry you if I kept doing this....What?! That was correct?! I usually never care though?! Usually when people find out it's just a bother. I usually don't feel guilt at all since I feel it's justifiable and needed for myself to get a move on.
But it's different with you, cuz... if you found out it'd make you worry and make you sad. And you might start getting some dumb idea that it's something you're doing wrong. Which is bad! Incorrect! It has nothing to do with you! In fact I was probably only able to stay clean for as long as I did because of you. You make me happy, so I don't wanna make you sad... But then I was doing something that might make you sad. So that prompted the guilt. You might be wondering why I'm telling you all this if I'm so worried about making you feel bad? Well, turns out keeping stuff from you makes me feel guilty too. Go figure. I guess this was to alleviate my own discomfort more than anything
In any case, I don't think you have to worry about me cutting or anything from now on, since you've went and made me feel all guilty for doing it, sigh... Darn you... Making me quit my bad habits and all...
<( 30.07.24 ! )
Sometimes I think about my old relationships and friendships and it really just makes me love you more... Because you wouldn't sexualize me. And you wouldn't lie to me. I have a feeling all the guys I used to date thought I was just some femcel type... Probably some "I can fix her" thing going on. They all said some variation of "I don't care about your gender / I see you as a guy / I'm [mspec] for you" but how am I even supposed to believe that when they're simultaneously making sexual advances towards me, you know?
You know. So many of these entries are so negative. I'm kind of a downer huh. I've been feeling kind of moody... I'm really glad I'm finally deciding to distance myself from my IRL friends, though. They're kind of weird in all the bad ways and very few of the good ways. I'll be kind of alone, maybe. But that's okay! Cuz I like being left alone anyway. And I'll have you... and all my online friends, who I like.
Also, I was reading a manga. And it had a pretty rough start... But man. One of the characters say some relatable things. Almost shared one of the panels with you but I decided against it... It said something along the lines of "the more I fall in love with you, the more I want to turn around and run away." And I was like. Oh man! Me For Real! They got a happy ending though
I'm really hoping I get my phone back when school starts so I can get on Discord again... And then we can call and stuff... Heh...
<( 03.08.24 ! )
Why is it that you fell first yet I fell harder? Sorry the last few entries were more about myself than you... It's an issue I've had for years, I talk about myself too much... But I really do love you. It's kind of scary. Sometimes I get a little too scared and feel like distancing myself from you, but then I think... why the hell would I do that. Literally nothing good would come out of it. Everything is just really new, and I'm not really used to... err... whatever. Don't feel like explaining it right now, it's 2AM
You know, I said I don't like touch... But that's just with most people. I've already said this, but I don't mind if it's you... Actually, I do kind of crave touch. I'm just very picky about who exactly gets the honor of doing so... I don't like hugs from anyone, really, and I especially don't like when people touch my head or my hair. But I think I'd like if we hugged. And stuff. That would be nice. I really wanna do all sorts of couple-y stuff together... I fantasize too much about things but if I elaborated any more that'd be. Embarrassing
<( 14.08.24 ! )
I'm so so so glad you're not a cis man. Sorry. I hate and distrust all cis men with a burning passion. (Except for my 8th grade history teacher...) Can you tell I'm upset right now. I'm getting better at containing my feelings and dodging stuff that provokes outbursts like "haha⁀☆" so I didn't say anything snarky or stupid in the moment but it still made me upset!
Anyway. I was tired of being upset and so I thought of you and I was like "WOWZERS I love you soooo much I'm so glad I love you. I couldn't have fallen for someone better. I love you so much. I LOVE MY WIFEEEE" and then my friend asked me something annoying. So I ignored it. And went on yelling about how much I miss my wife, and how much I want to talk to my wife, and how much it sucks that I have swimming today because that means I probably can't talk to my wife... And he thought that was funny! Mission success. Seriously though you're so cool because I just think about you and suddenly I'm not angry anymore!
<( 20.08.24 ! )
Kolya. Nikolasha. Kolenka. milaya...
Darling lovebug sweeheart dear honey. pookie. beloved. sunshine. apple of my eye. dove. angel. my love. my dearest. little mouse
wait. no. can i be little mouse? my family always likens me to rodents... not in a bad way though. chinese zodiac you see. my mom sees a hamster or mouse or anything and she's all like "haha look its you"
<( 24.08.24 ! )
ITS OUR FUCKIMG ANNIVERSARY I LOVE YOU i think about you everyday hhhh. i love you so much. spins you around shoves you in a blneder gnaws on your arm affectionately ggrgrgrg you give me cuteness aggression. i love you so much. ngl before i didnt like kanamafu all that much i mean i didnt hate it or anything but i kinda felt the same way towards it as i did towards skk... like yeah its cute and i see why people ship it but not really my thing. but now i love both becuse WOW literally us AHHH
<( 25.08.24 ! )
Kolenka I've been thinking this all day but I genuinely do not understand why you love me. Ok wait this is such whiplash from the last entry I'm so sorry
I act affectionately. That's not a lie. I do love you. I can love whatever and whoever the hell I want but they're not supposed to love me back. Why??? Why do you love me back??? You're not supposed to care about me. You're not supposed to love me. You're supposed to talk to me when you have no one else to talk to, and I'll feel happy that I get to talk to you when I can, even if there's others you like better.
But you're focusing your full attention on me. I was supposed to be backup but now I'm front and center. How do you think I feel? Out of place. What's so special about me? I don't feel unworthy of being loved. I just don't think I'm suited to be loved. I'm happy that you love me but at the same time I just don't think I'm meant be loved in the first place. It's a small but important distinction. I have this fundamental disconnect with people... I love, but I cannot be subjected to love. Am I making sense?? Probably not
What am I doing that makes you like me? What do you stand to gain from associating with me? I've never really seen myself as the subject of love... I'm usually the one loving? And I've never desired it to be mutual... In cases where I am "loved," it's for one or two traits. Lots of people "love" me because "I'm nice to them" or because "I understand them"... And that's it. And you've said that too... But you also say you love me even when those things are irrelevant... Like when I yap about Fyolai. Most people just get annoyed or put off. Why can't you just get annoyed and put off too? One particular sentence I always think in my head when someone consoles me unsolicited is "when did ever I allow you to 'care'?" Because I didn't! People shouldn't care about me... It's irritating... And I'm less hostile when it comes to you, but. Still. Why do you care?
I think it'd be better for me if you hated me or something. I'd be really sad!! But it'd be a lot easier to understand than you loving me the way you do!! Sob!!
<( 11.09.24 ! )
You're genuinely the only person I'd let call me cute. I hate being called cute otherwise... There's like. A difference between "my boyfriend thinks I'm cute" and "someone who's not my boyfriend thinks I'm cute." When you say I'm cute I'm like "wow my boyfriend thinks I'm cute" and when someone else says I'm cute I want them to eat shit and die
<( 15.09.24 ! )
I realized I read your thing but I never really responded to it... From the 8th. So I'm gonna respond to it now! Yeah.
I think you're wonderful and dazzling. I don't think you're tainted, or broken, or gross. Abuse isn't something you "let" happen to you. It's forced. It was forced upon you and it's ok if you didn't do anything because you didn't know what to do. Maybe you're not perfect, but that's ok. I love you for that too. I mean I know what it's like to feel like a pile of hot dung because of abuse. But will you let the people who wronged you hold sway over your self perception like that? Why let them have control over your life when they've already done horrible things to you?
You should listen to me instead. I think you're rad. If I ever stop thinking you're rad you have permission to kill me because that's not me anyway. I'll always think you're rad