You shuffle your papers as the rest of your students mill into the lecture hall
"Alright, alright... settle down. Class begins in a few minutes."
You look up and at your students
They look at you with a mixture of adoration, excitement and anticipation
You look at them with the gaze of a man too old for this shit but who has tenure so fuck it I drop Quaaludes in my morning coffee
"Alright. I am Professor Anonymous, and yes, I'm substituting for my owner, Professor Lakita. I usually teach fightonomics and Industrial Basket Weaving, but here I am in history for the day. Questions before we begin?"
A few hands go up
"That was rhetorical."
One or two hands stay up
You sigh
"Yes, gecko in the back."
"I-I'm a salamander, sir, an-"
"I don't give a damn. Question."
"Oh, uh... w-well, um. I-is the homework du-"
Boos and hisses from the rest of the class drown her out, and you raise your mug of coffee to her
"Nope, I'm not grading that shit. I'm here to cover the Therian invasion and whatnot. Take notes, this lecture is live and uncensored."
You take a long sip of your coffee and place it on the podium, bracing yourself to give an abridged version of the past 20 years to a bunch of kids who... probably weren't even alive then.
Fuck you're old.
"Alright. Loooong story short, Humanity was doing pretty good until you fucks showed up."
This earns you a few chuckles from the furries in the back, but your human students up front just watched you patiently.
"Anyway. So, we're doing just fine; Trump killed ISIS and was punching Kim Jong Un in the dick with his tiny orange fists, Apple had given us digital waifus and the Dow reached 30,000. All in all, things were going pretty good. That all changed when the fire nation attacked."
"Sir, I don't thi-"
"AY."
You point your finger at the student who interrupted you
"Who here has tenure?!"
"....I don'-"
"EXACTLY."
You sip your 'world's best shitposter' mug smugly
aww ye.
smug mug.
"Now every time I get interrupted everyone loses 2 points off their final grade. You feel me?"
Nods
Nods everywhere
Mmmmm abusing power just gets you so hard
"Right. So, we're doing fine until the Therians show up. Now to be fair, they claimed our system with a few robot probes like... 10,000 years ago - way back before we started to do nifty things like government or radio or dakimakuras. So, when a few of their colony ships finally decided to settle an 'abandoned system', they were in for a bit of a shock. An ICBM-flavored shock, courtesly of 'Murika."
A hand goes up
"Yes?"
The human sits up in his chair. "Sir, why didn't the therians just wipe us out, then? I mean, if they didn't anticipate us being here, and we've taken a habitable world from them, why let us live?"
"I see you've read ahead. Good! Good. Do me a favor."
You walk up to the chalk board and write out a simple phrase
"Turn around and say this phrase to the husky behind you. Make eye contact when you do."
The human, blinking owlishly, turns to the much larger therian just behind him
"I uh... "
She looks down at him, head tilted
"I... brought you a cookie... but I eated it."
The change was sudden and dramatic
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
Letting out a constant high-pitched squeal, the therian husky bodily hauled the human student out of his seat and into a tight bear hug, her whole body shimmying from side to side the entire time
"There's your answer. Yes?"
"Um.... what?"
You squint at the other human student
"That's a piss poor question."
"I mean... what?!"
You sigh again
how do I reach these kiiiiiids
"Ok, just. How many of you terrans have pets?"
A few hands shoot up
"Right. Cats, anyone? Dogs?"
hands stay up or fall
"Good. Now I want you to imagine an entire planet filled with tiny kittens. Little babby kittens and puppers. You with me so far?"
A few tenative nods
"Right. Now imagine you roll up onto this planet, and these little puppers rush at you with squeaky toys."
A few of them chuckle
"Imagine cats tossing little bell toys at you and pretending they did damage. Imagine walking through cities made by little doggos, and them barking and full-body wiggling at you to intimidate you away. You feel me?"
A few of the nod
"That's how the Therian Federation views humanity."
"But.... but we have guaranteed rights!"
You nod, taking another sip of your coffee
"Aye, that we do, as we're sentient. But, look at it from their perspective. You come across a planet filled with adorable, soft little creatures who think they can into technology. You're an interstellar conglomerate far advanced from these little adoraballs; All their weapons are harmless to you, but you don't want to hurt them, because they're so fucking adorable. What do you do?"
You reach up and tap at your collar
"So, this was the compromise. You here have chosen to go into gainful employment, which is fine - hell, I'm here working too, but. You can also opt to have a half or full owner - and you have to make that choice once your schooling is done. Yes?"
"Which is professor Lakita to you, Mr. Anonymous?"
"Ah. Half owner. I enjoy the benefits, and I already did my mandatory 5 years of service to the Therian Federation as a full pet. I chose not to be fully owned and keep some independence, so here I am. Yes?"
"How does she handle you when your'e not workin-"
"Aayyy we're getting a bit too personal here. Long story short, this cuteness factor is why humans are now fully or partially owned at their own volition. That's all you need to know for the test."
The sound of styluses against tablets is music to your ears
You click a slide to a picture of a giant Robo-Trump punching a Therian ship out of the sky
"Now. The final battle of independent Earth in AD 2021 was mainly fought..."
You close the human-sized front door, kicking off your shoes
"Lakita! I'm back!"
You're greeted by a very wet cough
"Still not better, eh?"
"Nnnnhhhh~"
You follow the soft whines to the livingroom, where, sitting on the soft couch is your owner
Well. Partial Owner.
...mostly-partial-owner.
......it's complicated, ok?
But the blanket cocoon heaves open slightly, a soft brown muzzle sticking out of the top
"Can... you get me a drink, please?"
"Holy shit you sound like death warmed over."
She smiles - and then gets caught in another coughing fit
"Alright, alright, hold on-"
"O-oh.. an... and please-"
"Yes yes, I"ll strip when I get back, calm down."
You can't tell if the following whine is happy or sick
Maybe a bit of both
Sighing, you start shedding clothing as you make your way to the kitchen - which, of course, has been specially modified for a mixed-race house
Everything is an island, basically, but one side's just cabinets and the other's...
You sigh internally as you climb the human-approved(tm) integrated step-stool to the sink, turning it on and reaching over to get a clean glass
perpetualmanlet.feels
Hefting the goblet with both hands, you carefully make your way back down - now stepping out of your socks, your soft feet making a gentle tamp on the hardwood floors
"Ayy, I'm here - NO!"
You back up just a bit as the blanket-cocoon opens, the deadly grabby-paws missing you by a few feet
"Water first, then cuddles."
"Nnnnnnnnnn-"
You roll your eyes, placing the glass in one of her paws - the other waving at you until you give in, climbing up towards it
One thing you never ever got used to was how fucking STRONK the Therians are
You aren't 'helped up' onto the couch so much as bodily tugged up, very quickly finding yourself a captive of the deadly blanket-monster
"Well hello to you too, Lakita."
She downs the glass in one sitting, rewarding you with a few more wet coughs. "Nnnh. Hey. How was class?"
"Eh."
You shrug, stripping out of your undershirt and tossing it out the blanket air-hole
"They're all little shits and you should fail them without question."
"Awww. You like them"
You smirk
"Eh."
She hums softly, as she pulls you against her - her bare breasts resting against your head and shoulders
You feel her shift, and she starts to rub your belly with her free hand
"I still think you're too easy on 'em."
"Maybe" she croaks. "But this is a softer world, after all."
"Tch."
She hums again, then growls softly. "Jeans? I told you to lose 'em-"
"Yeah and I didn't expect to be fucking absorbed into the blanket hivemind so suddenly, yet here I am."
You shimmy as she tugs, and soon you're sitting against your owner in nothing but your birthday suit
She sighs, now able to pet your side and tummy with no resistance
...that still makes you feel weird
Like how apparently petting cats or dogs calms humans down? Yeah.
Same for these fluffy fucks
"Did you at least bring the tablet?"
"Mmm. I've got the 20-incher in here with me-"
"Lakita, you make me blush - but you know I'm not that big-"
"Ugggh."
She shifts and smushes the tablet against your chest as you laugh
"Come on, that was a good one-"
"You are killing me, Anon. Legitimately killing me."
"Bah. You'll live; what doesn't kill you just maims you for life and makes you a social outcast among your peers."
You fire up the tablet, runes in Therian and English appearing parallel to each other
Thank Fuck Trump forced English as the standard human language
It means you didn't have to learn a damn thing
Almost made up for surrendering the planet
Almost
Let's see here
You tap your email icon, logging in - checking up on the shitposts that you missed, the hot spicy new memes that are sweeping the galaxy
Kek
Aaah, the good ol' salamander-in-a-salad. Never gets old. You would repost with dat boi, but
yanno
Hate crimes
You feel Lakita inhale deeply - no coughing, surprisingly - and sigh, her muzzle kissing the back of your head
"If you use my hair as a kleenex I'm going to shave you in your sleep."
"Well there goes my entertainment for the night."
Let's see
Might as well troll space-chan
You quickly navigate to your home-board, MLH
aka 'My Pet Human', 'Make Love (to) Humans', 'ManLet Hardons', 'Moderate a Little, Hiroshimoot'
It's just the best place to shitpost, because, well.
It's a perpetually smoldering tinderbox
'Underground' resistance posters, humans looking for owners, abusive-therian stories, abusive-human stories, therian-slaves, culture critiques, /pol/-posters questioning if our dogs and Therian dogs are the same
It's just so easy
Oh, speaking of:7462340: >heh, you human boys are so cute whenever you try to run but its even cuter when I've got you like this. That's right, lick my paws, like a good boy. I can feel how hard you are, you obviously want this. I just can't wrap my head around why you cute lil things wanna be free so bad instead of being our cute little pets.
You crack your knuckles
"Paw fetishes = trash taste. Obviously earnibbles are superior. Also >implying humans wouldn't naturally flee from someone with shit taste"
Send
Not bad for a warmup... let's see.7462680: >Its all about easing those cute lil morsels into it see? >They've got to realize why its in their best interest to surrender to our loving care
Your fingers tap against the XXXL screen
"Best interest says the scalie fucking a human in a swamp. Enjoy your leeched-up asshole, you dumb fuck."
Kay, next
7462962 : >No sweetie, kidnapping would imply they have full rights, the law clearly states that humans are precious pets. Yes you are, yes you are!
"If you use baby talk when you fuck, there is a lot wrong with you."
"Nnn....Anon, what are- no!"
You feel Lakita's chest tense, and you start wiggling in her embrace
"I MUST SHITPOST-"
She grips the tablet and starts tugging - but where's she gonna go?
YOU'RE IN HER LAP
YOU HAVE THE HIGH GROUND
"Anon stop this it's not health-ANON COME ON LET GO-"
Hugging the tablet tightly, you use your nipples to submit your post
"Stoppppppp~"
You lock eyes with her
Although sick and bloodshot, she narrows her eyes back at you, her ears splaying against the back of her head
"Stop."
"No."
"Anon-"
"No."
"Y-you're just bein-"
"No."
Her jaw snaps shut, a small frown on her muzzle
. . .
The standoff is REAL
But you know you're gon-OHHEYTHERE
You shudder and let out a totally manly squeak as her unreasonably soft and fluffy tail strokes long against your balls
Just enough to break your concentration - and lose you the tablet
You sigh
"That's not fair-"
"You shouldn't shitpost so furiously."
"But how else will I take down the Matriarchy and re-establish human do-OOohhhstopthat~!"
You squirm as her tail rubs up against you again in all the right places, quickly spinning around to make sure she doesn't see that it's working
Can't let her win, yanno
"Mmmn... come on, come back-"
"No. You won't let me shitpost and now you're tailgroping me. That's totally unfair."
"Aww. Sugarskin-"
"No."
"Little niblet~"
"Ugh no-"
"Thragnar the Impossible-"
"That's my stripper name, and no. I left those years far behind me."
You feel her shift, and then a wet kiss on the back of your neck
"You know I love you, though."
You give her a noncommital grunt
"Aww. Come on, let's Netflix and chill. You have yet to show me all of your, what is it? House of Cards?"
You still pout like a champion
You continue to do so even when she pulls you back into her embrace
Even when you start season 3
Even when her tail slides between your closed legs, wagging just enough to distract you.