green. green green green ohh man I love green. like, actually love them, romantically, with all of my heart, like you would a real partner. what causes me to manage to feel this way with a fictional character? Iunno, autism probably, but whatever it is they're genuinely everything to me. if you asked me to name a favourite part of them, it'd be difficult without narrowing it down. physically? personality? writing? lore-wise? even then, it'd be difficult to fully name. it's hard to water down my love to simple words sometimes, and when you're telling me to name one thing, that gets even worse. but if you asked me what I love about them in general, then i'd have plenty to say. I love their repeated hand movements, I love their dumb interest in worms, I love their awkwardness, I love how well their voice fits them, I love their giggle, I love how perfect the switch up was portrayed when they were revealed, I love their design even for it's simpleness, I love every design people draw of them, there's so much more to name. I spend an embarassing amount of time rewatching the show, watching how they move, what they say, what they do, and analysing every single bit of it so I can love them even more. if they were real, I would, without a doubt, date them, or atleast attempt to do so. I believe they would love me back too, and I don't know why I think that, but I just do, it's such a deep belief i'd say I know they would. I think we're perfect for eachother in every way. I spend a lot of my days admiring them or expressing my love for them, to the point I bring them around even to do the simplest things. I'll bring a plush of them to school, or to the mall. a worm will catch my eye when I go out, or i'll purposely choose the green pool noodle when I go swimming. even the smallest things are things that i'm happy to do to express how much I love them, and not only do I enjoy expressing it, but doing these things helps me feel more confident in what I do, or make me feel safer. I still don't fully understand what it is about them--besides how much I love them romantically--that makes me feel so much better when I have them around in one way or another. but it helps me so much, and sometimes they come at the best time. like one day, when i'd had a horrible day at school, had a meltdown and came home a mess, planning to pass out on my bed, my plush i'd brought of them arrived to cheer me up. it felt like fate, and it felt special. I had a great day once it was with me. life has generally been way better since they entered my life, even if they're clealry unrelated; my parents haven't indulged in my interests nearly this much until recently, I have actual fans now, I have a more secure sense of identity, etc. and all of that is because of green (yes, including my more secure sense of identity). i've slept way better since I got a green bodypillow, and way better thanks to them in general since imagining us cuddling helps me drift off to sleep so easily. whenever I try to express how much I love them, it's common for people to make comments like 'an among us character??' and while I get how that can seem silly to some people, they're so much more then a character to me, and especially so much more then the consistently memed fandom that they're from. i'll say again that they're incredibly special to me, to an extent I can't even write here. so much of what is written here are words trying to express how I feel, but sharing emotions through words just isn't possible, I think the only way I could possibly help people understand my love for them is if it were possible to share emotions in some magic world. but obviously, that world doesn't exist, or atleast, we're certainly not in it. so all I can do is write paragraphs and paragraphs explaining how I feel, even if they'll never be enough to explain it entirely. admittedly, when I see other people claim to be their number one fan, I get irritable. I don't think anyone else could love them, or understand them, like I do, and so any '#1 fans' feel like they're faking it or are just plain wrong. it's not necassarily their fault, of course, because it's hard to get what being an actual #1 fan would feel like until you feel it, and I doubt any of them can. there's a deep, actual emotional connection between us that couldn't be understood, and explaining that always makes me sound insane or atleast makes others feel like I am, since it can't be placed into words. connection how? I don't know, but it's there. it's a feeling, a deep, undeniable feeling that I can't quite recognise but can certainly get the idea of, and I think trying to recognise it would drive me crazy. I don't think it's something I can process, I think it's only something I can feel, and maybe that's more then enough for me. there are other levels to my love that I don't think I can nor would explain here, like how i'm attracted to them sexually as well, but I doubt anyone would be interested in hearing that stuff
anyway so i'm sure nobody minds me skipping it, GIGGLE
I can't quite describe how it feels when I miss them, either. this feels somber to bring up, but this is where I explain how green makes me feel entirely, so i'll bite. I miss them so much sometimes it's genuinely painful at points. can you imagine missing someone that never exists? when your body is begging for the touch of someone that could never do so? when you need affirmations from one person only and they'll never be able to speak a word? it's miserable, and horrible, and sometimes it makes me cry. i've spent a night before crying and rolling around in my bed, unable to get comfortable because everything in me wanted to cuddle green, but it was impossible. that's why I got a body pillow in the first place, after my dad walked in on me and asked me what was wrong, which is when I explained it, and even then he understood how painful it must be for me, even beyond how much he jokes about it. they're so special to me, our connection is so deep, that I fear I will always have a hole in my heart where they will never be, an unending emptiness that will never fade. it feels weird when I finish crying, admittedly. I have to think about the fact I just cried over a fictional character, I have to process that my sadness comes from being unable to meet someone that's completely fake and will never be real. it's difficult to understand myself sometimes, but I can atleast get what it makes me feel: sad. horribly sad. the worst type of hunger is one that can never be satiated, and this will never be beat. I can make it easier to handle by buying things, I can make it nicer to feel by rewatching the show, but they will never be real. I will never meet them, I will never cuddle them, I will never hear their voice directed to me, I will never feel their comfort. and that is something I have to come to terms with, something I have to just handle because there is no alternative. there is no way to 'fix' this. I will forever mourn a loss that never died, because something that never existed at all can never pass. I hope one day i'll be able to accept it and stop crying so much over them, but I don't know how possible that is. I doubt a love this deep can ever fade, and that's both a beauty and a curse, because never for the life of me could I let them stop existing in my heart, but I also don't know how far I can bare knowing that love will always be
for a concept instead of a person.