ive gotten your messages, y'know.

i've never been good with articulating my words, and this might just be a massive brain dump to get this all out somewhere and you may never even read it. i dunno. you may never get this message, and this may sit on the internet until i get scared again and delete it. if you have found this, then... yeah. it's me. this is really corny. i'm sorry LMFAO but anyways its evil sam here. i started reverting back to my legal name a bit before you did. i noticed that. i've noticed everything. is that stalkerish?? it might be. sorry. help. i'm kinda losing my mind rn?? so anyways in all seriousness, here we go:

i just... i don't know what to do. i'm sorry - for what it's worth. for what i did and i didn't do. anything that could've hurt you in some capacity. i'm sorry. my memory is all fogged up at this point, but i know you were hurt and i wasn't innocent. nobody ever is. truthfully: i'm scared. i miss you so, so dearly, but the idea of being in contact is horrifying to me, simply because i don't want to get hurt again. i understand you've changed and gotten better and have grown, and you don't get how genuinely proud i am of you for making it out, but i'm a coward who doesn't know what she wants. i've been living a life of constant backs and forths with myself, debating whether or not i should text you.

i did, actually, the day i found your rentry. i was a bit slow and sent it on discord. it didn't go through. i hyped myself up for a solid half hour, only for the words "the taylor album sucked btw" to be met with the stupid clyde bot refusing to send it.

i don't think i'd ever be able to reach out first. there's something in me holding me back, a nagging "what if" lurking in the depths of my mind, telling me that everything will fall to shit if i texted you. it's a never ending cycle, and it keeps me up at night. i've formulated so many texts i've wanted to send but have ultimately deleted or banished to my notes app, never to be seen again.

do what you will with that. i don't know if you've given up on me or you hate me or you never want to speak to me again - all of which would be completely understandable, considering my cowardlyness - but i know that i miss you. i don't know what to do. it's been an everyday battle, when the choice should be easy.

i hope you eat well, and maybe one day, we can share the same table.

you have all of my socials, btw. and my number. you're not blocked anymore, in case you ever need me. i'm sorry it took this long.