E1M1

Hitmon for Hire

BANG

That was the last sound I’d heard before my Arlene carried me away from this HOE. For ages I was in darkness by myself. I guess that's what death feels like. A big fuckin void with nothin to do. I know this is what Dylan wanted so at least he was happy. Personally I had hoped to wake up in hell and start fighting demons like Doom guy. That would’ve been fuckin awesome.

Instead I was forced to sit around in a pitch black room with nothin better to do. What a load of shit. At least I had time to look back at all the shit I did that got me in that void to begin with. That shit was badass. Real bitch the propane bombs didn't go off but whatever. Hope we go down in history for what we did in the real world.

I sat around in that darkness for thousands of years. At least it felt like it. Wasn't as shitty as school at least. Eventually though, I saw a bright light comin at me. Finally, somethin intresting.

When that bright light surrounded me, I woke up under a tree in the middle of a big empty field. The site was cool I guess, but I knew something was rong instantly.

“Dylan?”

I herd his voice behind me. “Eric?” Thank fuckin god he was here. His voice was a little muffled though. I tried to get up and walk around the tree to see him. My back hurt like a motherfucker when I tried to stand though and my arms werent reaching the ground. Fuck it, Im crawlin. I rolled on my hands and feet and immediately saw the issue. Instead of my cut up hands I had black paws with rist cuffs around em. I get reincarnated as a dog or some shit?

“Yo Dylan!”

“What's up?” He said.

“You get turned into a dog too?” I asked.

“Nah man. Im not human though. Some fuckin chubby brown thing.”

I crawled around the tree to find him and get a look. He walked around too and we started at each other for a bit. He was a chubby brown thing yeah. Had a skull mask thing on his head. Was standing on too legs though so at least he was walking straight.

“Dude, your like a little hellhound.” Dylan said with a laugh.

“Whatter you talking about?” I asked.

“You got bones all on you and shit.”

“Really? Thats fuckin badass.”

“Goddamn right. Where the fuck are we though?”

I looked around at the big field again. All empty and shit. “No fuckin idea. Probably not hell though.”

Dylan stared out at the field. He mumbled some shit about miles and miles of grass or somethin. Kinda hard to understand him under the mask though.

“So now what?” Dylan asked.

“Dont know. Kinda thought we would be in hell after all that shit.”

“Yeah same dude. Maybe cause we spared John god figured we need a second chance.”

“Thats fuckin gay.”

“Shut the fuck up man! Im tryin to guess here.”

“Well dont matter too much. Well figure it out later. Lets go look around.”

We walked through the field for awile eventually reaching a treeline. Nothin intresting happened. If this was heaven it was real fuckin boring. We talked about the school. Both of us were so fuckin pissed the bombs didnt go off. We were just shit at making bombs I guess. Pipe bombs worked pretty good though. Pretty cool too. Like some shit outta terminator. We joked a bit about the situation too, turning into weird animal things. Told him nobody will be calling him Stretch anymore which got a laugh outta him. Least I was stuck with him and not someone like Brook. Hed be making up all these stories and shit, probably claimin to know whats goin on. Dylan kept it real. He was the only one who really understood me.

We hit the treeline after like an hour and kept walkin. Soon we saw a little trail ahead of us so we started walkin along it. The weather was nice at least. Sunny day and all. Dylan had found this big bone thing and start using it as a walking stick. I was getting bored after a while and we passed this apple tree. Wasnt sure if I could eat those as a dog but fuck it. I was starving. I told him to hit the tree with his bone. He made a few jokes about that being gay and shit but he knew what I was talkin about so he hit the tree. That bone left a big fuckin mark in the tree like hed just hit it with a blunt axe or something. A bunch of apples fell outta tree.

“Dude, that was fuckin awesome!” I laughed. “Imagine if that was some guys head!”

“Fucking badass dude!”

We laughed our asses off and started eating the apples. Pretty tasty and very filling. Much better than the dogshit they served in school. Could honestly live like this forever if we really wanted to.

While we were walkin down the trail we heard the sounds of yelling off in the distance. We ran towards the sound to see what was happening. We saw a big fuckin red dragon thing hassling some little rat and both of them were talking. Dylan and I ran behind some trees and watched the two.

“Eric, is that a fuckin pokemon?” Dylan asked pointing at the dragon. I looked at Dylan and then back at the dragon. I realized that yeah, it totally was one of those things. I saw plenty of em on those cards in the store and all the elementry kids talked about it. We in some fuckin video game or something?

“HAND OVER ALL YOUR FUCKIN MONEY! I WANT EVERYTHING!” The big fuckin dragon roared.

“I don't have any money dude.” The rat said in a real geek voice.

“FUCK YOU TINY ASS FAGGOT! ILL BE BACK NEXT WEEK AND YOU BETTER HAVE SOME CASH”

The dragon hit the rat and then walked towards Dylan and me. We stayed behind the trees and watched it stomp off. We looked back over the rat who was now crying like a bitch.

“People are always making fun of me.” He cried. “I really need some help.”

Dylan look at me and we both nodded with smirks. Well I think he smirked. Hard to tell. We both got out of our hiding place and started strutting towards him. His eyes shined bright and his mouth hung open as we approached.

“OOOOOHHHHHHHHHH”

I looked at Dylan then back at the rat. “We can protect you, but for a cost.” i said.

“O-anything!”

“Very well.” I nodded. “Well protect you. Take that guy off the road and relocate him. That'll be a thousand dollars.”

“Oh thank you so much!” The rat thanked us. He then pulled out a leather sack out of nowhere and handed it to us. Guess he was lying when he said he had no money

Dylan and me went down the road where the dragon bitch went. Eventually we saw a cave and realized that was where he mustve lived. We walked inside and saw the big motherfucker standing there.

“WHO ARE YOU COMING IN MY HOUSE?”

“Dude, this is a fucking cave.” Dylan said.

“SAME DIFFERENCE!”

“Look, were here to teach you a lesson.” I said. “You done fucked up by messing with that rat and were here to send you that message.”

“YOU REALLY THINK TWO FIRST STAGE WEAKLINGS ARE GONNA THREATEN ME?” The big dragon roared. “YOUR LIKE ANTS TO ME. IM JUST GONNA STOMP YOU. THEN YOULL COME BACK AND ILL KEEP STOMPING YO-”

In the middle of his rant, Dylan went in and cracked the motherfuckers knee with his bone. The dragon fell down immediately and we both started kicking the shit out of the little bitch. For a big dragon he was a real pathetic son of a bitch and he was whimpering in ten minutes.

“PLEASE! STOP I GIVE UP-”

“No you goddamn punkass piece of shit!” Dylan yelled. “DO NOT mess with that friggin kid! If you do, Im gonna shove your head so far up your friggin ass youll be coughing up dandruff for FOUR FRIGGIN MONTHS!”

“LISTEN! I NEED-”

“Look, I dont care what you say!” I said. “If you ever touch that kid again, I will friggin KILL YOU. I'm gonna pull out the goddamn shotgun and blow your friggin head off. Do you understand you little worthless PIECE OF CRAP!”

“I GET IT!” TThe dragon cried. “JUST STOP HURTING ME!”

Dylan and I looked at each other and smiled. From blasting jocks to kicking dragons we were unstoppable motherfuckers.