Anon in Ancient Egypt by Anonymous & /Bara/hmoma/ writefrien
Ancient Egypt setting good
ywn get dragged into alt ancient Egypt
where instead of humans running the show and worshiping various animal deities, it's the other way around
ywn eventually be discovered after eking out a living hiding in the shadows
instead of freaking out and trying to kill you the various species instead worship the ground you walk on thinking you're some kind of benevolent servant of the afterlife come to give salvation
you're actually a total Joe-Schmoe and a little retarded but hey, it's better than being dead!
and stealing stale moldy bread out of alleyways at 3 AM...
all of the head priests of the various species all vie for your allegiance and loyalty, seeing it as a blessing if they employ (or otherwise control) the human
some of them are more subtle about it than others
some of them are willing to get a little violent to get their hands on you
But in the end, do you have what it takes to walk like an Egyptian?
Deities appear to be 1:1 human versions of various members of the Egyptian pantheon.
Hilariously enough, the head priests for each deity appear to be anthros that would have represented them perfectly in your own world.
Thoth's head priest is a bookish Ibis, quiet and serious to a fault. He's always around to help explain things from the perspective of a "lowly mortal" to you (if only he knew)
Anubis' is the youngest of the bunch, a young jackal, barely of age. His youth makes him the most forward and outgoing of the bunch, but that also leaves him getting reprimanded the most (requesting headpats from you was just asking for trouble)
Horus' priest appeared to hold the most outright power, and the falcon seemed completely okay with abusing it in order to keep you away from the others (it's not working at all)
Sobek's priest towers over even members of his own species. The crocodile is surprisingly gentle (with you, at least) and he's already pretty far ahead of the others in terms of winning your favor, going from stolen stale bread to some of the finest crop product and fish in the Nile is proving that the way to your heart is through your stomach.
And then there's Set's priest. The oldest of the group is a total enigma to you. He's constantly at odds with the others, and seems to run hot and cold with you. It's clear out of everyone he's going to be the biggest headache.
Anubis' priest is incredibly shy at first but warms up to you quickly when you demonstrate that despite being human, you're just an ordinary guy
Actually on second thought 'warming up' to you is an understatement
You get the feeling he doesn't have many friends his age
Or many friends, period
If he didn't have an incredibly demanding job he would probably follow you along all day, and on the one day a month he apparently gets off that is exactly what he does, attaching himself to your side like an overly excitable puppy, poorly concealed tail wagging included, dragging you around his hometown
Asking you about everything he can think of about humans, human society, gods, the city, what type of food humans like best, what type of food humans like LEAST, what your favorite color is, why you're wearing so much clothing (sunburn is why, holy SHIT you've got a hell of a farmer's tan) and on and on and ON
Eventually he's starting to drive you crazy so you excuse yourself to go to the baths
He either doesn't take the hint or you've sorely misjudged how this works here, because before you've got even half of your expensive new robes taken off (Horus' priest made it clear he spared no expense for you, his 'most exalted, honored guest'), he appears, out of nowhere and completely naked, in what you thought was supposed to be your private bath
Acting like nothing's wrong
And his chattering attracts Sobek's priest who also invites himself in (to be fair the baths are literally his home, though)
And then an hour later, Horus' priest happens on the three of you and decides to preen himself with all of you, too
All of them are sneaking glances at your naked form, with varying degrees of subtlety
Cute!
Anubis is still blabbing away with you, but he seems clearly distracted as you wash yourself.
"You didn't tell me earlier, how does one prepare this 'burger' you spoke of?"
You stretch languidly as you try to reach that spot of dirt on your back, explaining how it's just grilled meat, lettuce and soft bread
The Jackal is staring at the rivulets of water running down your chest as you wring out your washcloth over your head. "A-ah I see, w-we should certainly partake of it then!"
There's an audible "tsk" from Horus. It seems the way the jackal's looking at you is making him a little jealous. "I doubt they'd have the grain and meat necessary to satisfy a godly palate such as Anon's in YOUR district, young Jackal. The human should dine in the sun district with myself."
Anubis didn't have a retort, instead choosing to childishly puff out his cheeks, turn his snout up, and not give the falcon the decency of a response.
You had hoped for a little bit of peace now that the two of them were playing the silent game, but you were suddenly reminded that Sobek was also present.
He had moved silently through the soapy water while the falcon took shots at the jackal, and snuck right up on you.
The water rushed to fill the void left as the crocodile raised himself out from under the water "It's rude to argue in front of a guest you two!"
You didn't have time to react as the sudden deluge violently pulled you right into his arms
"Careful, my godling, you almost slipped!" That was 100% intentional, this guy was slick
You let out a small thank you, and the crocodile elected to start washing your back instead of letting you go
"I saw you were having some trouble so please, allow me..." Horus looked absolutely livid, and Anubis was torn between aroused and angry.
clearly this didn't bother Sobek "My, you deities have such wonderfully smooth skin~"
Truly the reptile was the god of this watery domain.
From what little you remembered about ancient Egyptian cosmology, the story of the conflict between Horus and Set stood out
Set, the left hand of the sun god Ra, was eternally opposed to the primeval force of evil, Apep the devouring serpent
And yet, the god of storms was also the god of usurpers, outcasts, and deviants
And the most prominent myth involving him was one of conflict between him and his own nephew, Horus
No wonder, then, that the two high priests of the corresponding god hated each other as well
Before you had arrived, the sect of Horus had all but informally outlawed worship of Set within the walls of the holy city
No wonder the place was a single spark away from lighting up...
Perhaps it was a misuse of the trust they placed in you as a "child of the divine", but the first real decision you made was to force the Horus sect to let Set's fold back in
And no matter how much the proud Falcon squawked and screeched at you that "This is a terrible mistake, Anon! Please, you do not know the depths of that craven fool's deceit! When one expels poison from their body, is it not foolishness to place it back within the bed of the wound?! PLEASE, YOU HAVE T-", you refused to listen
And so, begrudgingly, the weird Okapi-dog-giraffe hybrid (tribrid...?) and his followers were allowed back into their temple, which the Anubian sect had converted into a canopian jar storage facility in their absence (that was an amusing shouting match to watch)
That said, there was still work to be done in mending the tensions between the two folds
Every time those two saw each other, it was a verbal spar to end all others...
And today, on your way to the square, the falcon and the Okapithing were at it again
And they were intent on drawing you into it again
"Ah, just the human I wanted to see!", the falcon cried out, "as you are descended from the divine yourself, we wondering if you could clarify an... ecclesiastical matter for us...?"
Shit
You did your best to dodge all of the direct questions they asked about the stories and workings of the 'divine' seeing as how you weren't actually a god and you really didn't remember much about Egyptian history
No dodging this one, though, even the glowering Okapithing seemed laser focused on your answer
"W-what would you like me to, uh, clarify...?"
"Well, it's simple really! As you know my kith and kin inherited the throne of Egypt when our patriarch, the great Horus, thwarted the foul, evil Set in a battle of wits!"
"Lies! Tell us what REALLY happened, Anon! This birdbrain and his gaggle of thugs have been rewriting history for as long as they've held power here! That story MUST be false!"
Uhhhhh
Actually this is the one story you DID remember pretty well
"Well, uh, it's not like I knew either of them personally, they're WAY above my pay grade, but... it's true that Horus lost his eye and won the throne when he emerged victorious in a sort of... game of wits."
The falcon beamed with pride and although you were still learning to read facial expressions on beaked species (Thoth's priest was utterly unreadable to you), you were certain he had the equivalent of a shit eating grin plastered on him
"BUT!", you blurted out, interrupting his would-be victory speech
"In the end, that only made Horus EVEN with Set. Because before this, Horus had actually lost, and as a result, he and Set, they... uh..."
Oh right, they had gay sex
And then Horus got back at him by having his mom Isis put cum on his lettuce
The okapithing interrupted your horrible realization by physically shaking you while yelling "THEY DID WHAT?! WHAT HAPPENED ANON?! ANOOOOOON-"
"H-hey, cut it out! Well, this is all just hearsay at the end of the day, but, uh, they MIGHT have... made... love to each other after the first time...?"
The two high priests were completely silent with their mouths agape in dumbfounded shock
"I mean, not in, like, the hot romantic way, but because Set won their first competition."
You were surrounded by a silence as thick as the Nile as it became clear EVERYBODY in the square was listening in
"And then, to get back at Set, Horus might have saved some of Set's seminal fluids... and had Isis put some of it and some of his own on Set's lettuce, which disgraced him and made him challenge Horus to another fight."
The falcon's left eye was twitching and you were worried the Okapithing's jaw would break off
"And... then in the end, they fought each other again, this time Horus lost an eye, and Set lost one of his testicles, and Horus won the throne of Egypt! And that's the story, as I understand it! Any questions?"
Utter silence again
And then, in the distance, the distinct sound of a certain Jackal laughing so hard it sounded painful splitting the quiet in two
The normally unshakeable Falcon looked like someone had pissed in coffee (or came in his lettuce? AHAHAHA-)
"Anon, this can't... really be the truth?"
Set's priest had disappeared completely in the two seconds you had looked away from him
"I'm sorry if it wasn't what you were expecting, but that is, genuinely, the whole and complete truth as I was told it as a child."
"I... I see. Excuse me Anon, I need to, ah, have some time to think by myself. In the library. Alone."
Holy fucking based I totally forgot the cum lettuce thing was real, now I gotta do some research and keep the ball rolling! Here's a little extra part from me
It seemed like a bad idea to try and talk to either of them right now. You had the feeling that they both needed some processing time after hearing the respective deities they devoted their lives to had multiple "incidents" that were less battles of power and wits and more just very violent gay sex.
The usual sounds of the square in the afternoon settled back in, barring the embarrassingly loud laughter of a certain jackal (ON LETTUCE AND HE ATE IT PFFTAHAHA), and his nearby attendants babbling that he needed to calm down because he was causing a scene.
You had hoped that was the last of your excitement for the day. Keeping up with these guys could be pretty exhausting, and they seemed to be looking to you as a member of the divine to settle their arguments.
Honestly "arguments" was giving them too much credit, it seemed more like petty squabbling and dick measuring to you. But you couldn't exactly refuse, if they ever figured out you just happened to kind of look like their gods and actually knew jack-shit, it'd be over for you.
Your morbid thoughts were interrupted when there was a gentle tap on your shoulder. It was the priest of Thoth.
"That story was certainly...enlightening anon" ah, he heard everything too. Great.
It was clear he wanted to ask you something, as he fidgeted in embarassment "May I ask, did lord Thoth ever do anything as...uncouth?"
"Nah, he's too busy with the moon and writing and working with his feather of judgement to ever get into any trouble"
His feathers visibly un-ruffled at that "oh thank the stars..."
"Well that's a relief! Since everyone else is..." He glanced over to the jackal being carried off by an attendant "...busy, do you mind if I ask. Which god do you serve exactly?"
Oh shit
In a way you're surprised the question didn't get asked sooner, the way you talk about the gods like they're your buddy Keith
Perhaps the others hadn't asked yet out of some fear that you had been sent by the patron of a rival to arbitrate things against them
The Ibis was thoughtful to ask this only when the others were otherwise indisposed.
Either that or he's a lot better at this game of politics than you thought...
But now you were stuck. If you had been expecting this, maybe you could have lied (what's another, on top of the mountain of them you've been building)? and said you couldn't say, but the surprise of the question caught you unawares, and now with your pulse racing and with a nervous sweat, would he even believe you?
And he certainly notices, as his head cocks and he asks in a tone of guarded concern: "... are you alright, Anon? I-i'm sorry if my question was impertinent, but I feel-"
You weren't even hearing him anymore as you weighed your options
Maybe you should just... tell him the truth?
It didn't have to be the WHOLE truth
And after all, you sure as hell didn't know who sent you here, god or not, one way or the other...
"... if we are to hold host to the servant of one the gods, I feel it's important we..."
Ah, right, he was talking that entire time
"I don't know."
"... understand who-"
The Ibis stops dead in his tracks
"I-i'm sorry, Anon, perhaps I phrased the question poorly. I just wanted to know, if you are able to share, which-"
"No, I understood you perfectly. I don't know who sent me."
Fuck, you're breaking apart
"You...? Anon are you alright?"
"I just WOKE UP here one day, for no reason, out of the blue! I have no idea who sent me, nor why, nor how I can get back home!"
"But... but why would the gods-"
"I don't KNOW! I don't understand any of this!"
The Ibis took a single step back in wordless shock. You could practically see the gears turning in his head
Fortunately, your incredibly awkward revelation was interrupted by the deep baritone, indicating the timely arrival of a certain Crocodile
"Anon, I was wondering if you could tell me why the High Priest of Set-"
"I'm sorry, minister, but could this wait? Anon and I were trying to have a private conversation about something important, and if you couldn't tell, now REALLY isn't a good ti-"
"Well, I wish it could wait, but the fool barged into the city food supply, demanded we get rid of all of our lettuce, set part of our garden on fire when we said we wouldn't, and then left, all without a single word of explanation."
Ah, so that's where the Okapi dog went after he disappeared
"Yes that... sounds like him. But why would you assume it has anything to do with Anon?"
"Well, he was muttering 'he's lying, he just must not know better, there's no way, my lord doesn't even LIKE lettuce' under his breath, so I figured..."
The Ibis lets out a frustrated sigh as he turns to fully address the enormous lizard
"... what are the damages?"
You're going to have to thank him later, even if he wouldn't know what you're thanking him for
And you're also going to have to ask the Ibis not to tell a single soul about this, no matter what
Beg, perhaps, would be the better verb
Of course the bird was completely unwilling to let this go, the revelation was pretty huge. And he was of course the annoyingly inquisitive type
Not having a job beyond occasionally providing advice to the higher-ups meant that he'd inevitably corner you with no excuses to get away.
So you gracefully accepted the invitation to meet him in his district.
The grand bureau was a haven to scribes and scientists alike, though not as flashy or bustling as the other districts, it had the important job of making sure every contract, law and story was recorded, verified, and triple stamped.
Thoth's main haunt was the observatory, keeping in theme with the district it served a clear purpose, designed to observe and record the heavens.
You walked into the main chamber, observing an insanely complicated looking set of gears and shifting lenses being adjusted by a small army of servants.
It all led down to a single eyepiece, which was currently in use by a familiar ibis
"Ah, you're early! Let me finish up these recordings and we can speak." He gestured, and the servants operating the telescope's parts bowed before making their way out.
You could hear your own heartbeat over the sounds of the bird making neat little notes on his papyrus sheet with some kind of ink and quill.
He had to know, right? You couldn't fly, or make the nile rise on a whim or shoot beams from your eyes. He was their chief judge, and this had to be a sentencing.
You could feel your chest getting tight and tears beading in the corners of your eyes, this was total bullshit!
Right before you were about to fall to your knees and grovel for your life, something soft and warm enveloped you.
Through your blurry eyes you could see that the Thoth's priest was...hugging you?!
"I'm so deeply sorry, anon."
...Wait what?
"We never gave you the chance to explain things, we got so caught up in the excitement of seeing the divine..."
continued
"...That we forgot to ask WHY you were here"
The ibis pulled away to see that you were a total mess, trying to wipe away tears and calm yourself
"AH! A-are you okay!? I didn't mean to make you-"
"It's fine, I'm okay" as cute as he looked when his feathers ruffled, you didn't want him to freak out.
He sighed, before continuing "What I'm trying to say is, I'm not going to tell the others about your 'situation'. Though I will need something from you in return"
You had considered blackmail being an outcome, though he had some fucking nerve hugging you and then going straight to-
"Please keep up with your work! Some of the advice you provided has filled centuries old gaps in our knowledge!"
Oh, this wasn't- "And please keep mediating the others, I know they can be difficult, but we've gotten so much done!"
Taking a deep breath, you smiled "I'll do my best!"
He clasped one of your hands in between his own "Wonderful! I'm sure that Thoth's moon will light your path!"
You might've jumped to conclusions a little too quickly with this bird. He actually seemed pretty reasonable, you supposed it only made sense for the god of scribes.
"Now that we've gotten that out of the way.." He scurried off to a nearby shelf, picking up a hefty looking book, he seemed to visibly struggle with it's weight as he lifted it before dropping it onto a nearby desk with a loud thud.
Flicking it open, he revealed that it was completely blank.
"The young priest of Anubis has recalled some interesting tales of your home to me. I didn't have a quill at the time, and I wanted to hear it directly from the source, so please share absolutely everything you know with me, and don't skip out on a single detail! First, these 'burgers' he spoke of, what exactly are they, is there a particular ceremony associated wi-"
You found yourself tuning out again, you couldn't really refuse him, things weren't quite as dire as you expected, but it was going to be a long night.
/Side stuff/
Obscure mythology question related to the greentext. What animal do you guys think would be cutest for Set? He's the only one that doesn't have an immediately recognizable parallel IRL
borzoi
Anon accidentally calls Set "funny long dog"
Set looks at him like he's just been punched in the gut
Personally I’d go for something less canid, since there’s already Anubis, perhaps a donkey or antelope
I mostly feel this way due to the over abundance of anthropomorphic canine focused media
The donkey was actually used to represent Set later so a donkey would be fitting.
That's a good point, I've seen him called an Okapi before too, I think leaning into that might be fun and give him some distinction from the rest.
Is insecure that his species is seen as less noble and handsome than falcons or jackals
Anon tells him it's ok because he's got a great ass as a result
"T-That doesn't help at all asshole!"
Isn't Set his own weird animal species?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Set_animal
Yeah, he's had a bunch of diff interpretations so that leaves a few options
Set is an evil dog-thing (boring!)
Set is an Okapi/Donkey/Obscure animal here
Hmoma makes an OC donutsteel species for set to project fetishes on to (based!)
speaking of egypt stuff
sekhmet and ptah had a couple of kids
maahes a male lion god who was pretty much a male version of sekhmet with being a god of war, protections, knives, devoring captives, etc
and nefertem a beautiful male human looking god of smelling good and beauty
also extra funny that ptah is a depicted as a green human guy and married to both bast and sekhmet
Maahes is a big, huge, burly lion who likes to bully you (a little) (not sexually) (yet)
There is only one person who the fierce feline fears
And he fears this person utterly and completely
His mom
when your mom has titles such as "Before Whom Evil Trembles", "Mistress of Dread", "Lady of Slaughter" and "She Who Mauls".
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
"ANON! LET ME IN! PLEASE!"
"It's the middle of the night, why?! And why would I let YOU in?!"
"You don't understand, she's after me! She's gonna KILL me!"
"Who's she? And why is she going to kill you?"
"It's my MOM! Oh SHIT I can hear her, she's close! And, uh, it's a long story but I definitely didn't do it!"
I really enjoy these. There was one awhile back where anon had died in the nile river valley and became a servant of a lesser god. Egypt, or, this idea too, just does something for me extraneous of detestable urges, and I think that's transient.
In the spirit of something REALLY /hmoma/ I'll tell you all an irl /x/counter I have had with at least something that was pretending to be Anpu (yo favorite jackal.)
I'll start by saying I've been doing meditation, among other things, for some time now, and I won't say too much outside of that because I could be easily identified (let your minds run wild.) However the thing that set me onto wanting to know if other deivas were real, or what they are, was the Egyptian section of this: https://wiredsage.neocities.org/godsindex.html
So this surely sounds like tulpa nonsense, but no bait, there is at least partial veracity to this. I tried in '17 to make one, knew some thoughts weren't my own, and stopped immediately. However meditating upon god with loving devotion (bhakti in Hinduism) or jut mediating upon them feels totally different. When I meditated, asking 'Anubis' to let me see him I had 3 TV screen visions in the passenger seat of a long car ride. One was the outline of some dog-headed god wearing a fur collar. The next, some statue basin or cornerstone with hieroglyphs on them, and the third, a pair of eyes from a dog's face, inches away. I have a pretty good photographic memory, and looked around to find those 'glyphs. They were translate to Anpu in the second-oldest version of Egyptian hieroglyphs. I don't know ANYTHING about them, but I've had this happen several times on other maters, and beyond that I'm not trying to prove anything.
Now before it comes out, no one in my family is mentally ill, and there's no scary part to it, this all felt very novel when it was taking place, as most of these experiences do. I'll be around to answer questions or drop links if someone wants.
Maybe you established contact with another planet or dimension. I hope they reach out to us again in the future. Anubis would be very popular here.
There's hope
fug