you've exhausted the goodwill and publicity of your get-rich-quick scheme turned dalliance with interplanetary diplomacy
now committed to the ridiculous name "'Non Mono" by the force of trade federation records
and disregard for common character encoding standards practiced by the little green men (Ayy Lmao) who abducted you
they accidentally picked you up instead of the genetically modified spy they meant to
they put you on an automatic escape pod to federation space
probably expected you to die before getting rescued
but they'd look like they tried to follow protocol
you didn't know any of that until long after you'd been picked up by a freighter running between low-traffic rim worlds
not the Kobayashi Maru

after the surprisingly fast acclimation to a Kardashev 2+ society
and coming to terms with the fact that you were legally and morally forbidden from ever returning to earth
a mutiny broke out on the ship and the pilot was killed
he died for nothing because one guy stabbing the pilot and screaming "Mutiny, Mutiny" does not a mutiny make
he was the only guy on board who could actually fly it
but you saw that the controls were basically a funky Xbox controller and said
I'm pretty sure I know how to fly this
the rest of the crew having nothing to lose
and only every reason to doubt you
but you took to it exactly as well as you thought you would
in the process pulling off unnecessary maneuvers that were thought to be impossible
opposable thumbs, baby
you won the trust and admiration of a mid level engineer "Dreughbachcus"
yes really
a man with the uncanny visage of an earthly black bear
but not the build
rather lean and light on his feet
except for being what some media addled culture fiends on earth might call "caked up"
abnormally wide of pelvis perhaps
gluteally gifted
for whom Sir-Mix-a-Lot might make an exception
ahem
you called him Drew

long story short
so impressed was he that he took out a loan for a ship
for the both of you to go into business together
officially for "High priority small cargo of all types"
a smuggler ship
you wanted to call it the "NT5 Peregrine"
but it turns out "friendly names" aren't a thing for space fairing vessels
instead it's identified by a heartless 128 bit unsigned integer
the pilot takes a callsign
so you're Peregrine
if earth ever gets its shit together someone other than you might get the joke
drew didn't
he could tell it was a joke though

a trend you've kept up since
that is, making references and jokes only you understand
drew can't always tell you're joking
most of the time you shipped specialty goods express
and only the occasional gray-market slap-on-the-wrist worthy contraband
smuggling wasn't the right word for it
until you took the job you were both famous for
which resulted in the autocratic theocracy of an entire planet finding itself ripped limb from limb
without a word of figurative speech
it also resulted in
aggressive
carnal
performance-enhanced
bareback gay sex between the two of you
in public
on a holiday devoted to chastity
in front of a crowd who didn't take kindly to such fraternization on any given day
that got you trade federation accolades usually reserved for history-makers
now you're back to needing money
that's how it is on this bitch of an earth
uhh galaxy
so you've taken a perfectly normal job this time
totally normal cargo
too normal
it's in your hands to get it to its destination faster than usual
on this particular route express delivery means traversing "The Scar"
a region of space that's crumpled up like aluminum foil
due to relativity or something it'll be a couple earth months for you and drew
only about one sidereal day at the destination though
you'll make great time
you don't even need to touch the controls the whole time
just sit back and relax
for two months
without outside contact or resupply
as soon as you're off the controls
drew asks
"so what's the plan?"
why did he wait until now to ask that question
"not about the job, about us? That wasn't just the mites."
you're a little surprised

the way you've been telling it the androssian incident was an embarrassing but serendipitous accident you'd both never live down
you tell drew that the nature of the relationship between you is up to him even though you've got your own preference
why did you put it like that it makes it sound like you're not interested
dumbass mouth's faster than your head
"oh... ok. I'll get the replicator started on something I think you'll like"
did you just fuck up that three inch putt?
drew brings you what appears to be a piping hot empanada of some sort
he has no idea what that is
"it's my home planet's traditional signature food"
" we call them beuumwerma, thunder grubs"
whatever it's called it smells awesome
as you take a bite you interpret what you're tasting as some kind of tangy honey sauce
and it's full of perfectly cooked rice
kind of boring if it wasn't for the sauce which is hard carrying the whole thing
you ask him what he put in it
"that's how they come out of the ground"
what kind of plant grows a fully cooked and seasoned pie like that?
"it's not a plant, it's an insect larva"
"my people used to wait for them to come to the surface during storms so the lightning would strike them"
it tastes too good for you to be thrown off by that
is he sure they're not called Popplers?
also that name was 100% on the nose
two bear stereotypes in one
beareotypes
drew retires to his quarters and you stay on the deck to watch the stars outside your windows slowly warp and twist
they even change color
electric soldier porygon can it its heart out
you're rapt by this euclid-confounding display for far too long
your fixed attention is only broken by unfamiliar harsh noises coming from drew's room
is he dying in there?
you rush over without thinking and rip the door open

he's not dying
he's rocking out with his cock out
"what the fuck, man?"
you tell him you were worried by the noises he was making
less worried now
you apologize profusely
but you're probably not getting another shot to make par
you stifle your urge to say
haha it's the andy dick show
and instead say
do... do you want me to help you with that?
LAME
you still couldn't manage to retain your spaghetti
you never could talk to girls without bursting into treats
you weren't into guys back on earth
less than zero experience
"help with what dickhead?"
you respond to that reasonable hostility with
I mean I'm interested
I didn't mean to be so vague about the relationship thing
I'll totally suck your dick and kiss you and hold your hand
hold up
don't blow it again
alternatively, make sure you do blow it for the first time
"I fucking knew it"
"those mites were just putting us over the edge"
"fucking finally"
with that your vision begins to shift and fry
you're light headed too
is this the catharsis of romance?
nope
you fall flat on your face and black out
if you remembered any of that you'd probably hit drew with a reference to dante's inferno
dude was always blacking out when he didn't know how to connect the plot
you wake up shortly after with a headache that somehow feels like it's localized entirely within the white matter that connects the halves of your brain
"you looked out the fucking windows, didn't you?"
"I know you read the transit procedures or we'd be smeared across 3 sectors right now"
that's the first thing he asks after you have some kind of seizure?
he could've asked if you were ok
you thought "transfixitive geometry syndrome" was what they called motion sickness in space
"you scared the shit out of me dude"
" one moment, you're like"
"oh Dreughbachus, my rock, my muse, my obsession. allow me to prostrate myself before the alter of your sexy bod"
did you say that?
"then you go and have some kind of EPISODE on my floor
for a second I thought it was one of your weird jokes that you never let me in on"
how could that possibly be a reference to earth culture?
drew hands you a blue pill that your mind conjures several easy jokes about
now's not the time for that
"take that pill or your corpus collosum is going to turn into moglbrokt"
he's stealing your bit?
you ask if that's more like swiss cheese or ground beef
"whichever's worse, just take the stupid pill"
"you owe me for this, you know"
did you just make the gold split for fastest time from 'relationship begins' to 'first fight?'
yeah sure drew I'll pay you back, how much do they cost?
"I'm not talking about the pill"
"I started this trip out thinking we'd be feeling each other out"
"then you go and pull a 180 on me"
he picked that one up quick
probably because circles are the same everywhere
present locale excluded
"then you pull another so we're up to 360"
"THEN you go and awkwardly stall out the process"
"that's gotta be a 270 or something"
"now I have to keep my eye on you for a few cycles while the nanos do their job"
you ask him if it's halloween
"you know I have no clue what that is" "why?"
you say it must be, because you've got yourself a sexy nurse
"by graaf, you're mixing your stupid jokes with the flirting now?"
over the next couple days you recover
as totally expected they pass uneventfully
drew makes sure you take the right pills at the right "local time intervals"
you're glad to have him because you can't understand what that means
your circadian rhythm has always given you a rough time
you didn't know it could get this much more complicated
you had the replicator make you 'tea, earl grey, hot' though
expecting something almost, but not entirely unlike tea
it made tea just fine though
no existential crisis
take that douglas adams
you're wearing that gimmick out even with yourself
maybe not, because you asked it for a Pan Galactic Gargle-Blaster too.
that one didn't work
and makes you question if you just happened to ask for something which was also called tea
and was also indistinguishable from tea as far as your palate could tell
don't worry about it
they've got bugs in space that would make even the most ardent critic of the world economic forum reconsider their viewpoint
a couple kinds of plants in hot water's nothing compared to that
doesn't explain the 'Earl Gray' part
hey drew who or what is earl grey?
"isn't he some kind of minor noble or something on your planet?"
"do you owe him taxes or something? oh no, he's not going to have your family killed is he?"
your space microwave knows who he is
"we haven't used Mu communication in forever man, it's probably a bounce off the background radiation"
you meant the replicator
"we stopped doing surveys of earth around 150 of your orbits ago"
"too much risk of accidental disclosure"
"how do you think the synthreaders knew how to make those silly inconvenient clothes of yours?
not once have you stopped to think about that
or why you had to figure out coordinating a wild-west-ass wardrobe for yourself
when nearly everyone else wore the same kind of form fitting plasticky jumpsuits as drew
that explains a lot
and forces you to confront your plebeian taste
drew might have picked up on the dante's inferno joke
if only you had actually thought of it
you ask drew what's so great about the airstrip one fall collection
damn, still after the cut off
but he gets the gist
"no one told you?" "I was under the impression you were just 'building your brand"
"or being a handsome, proud, charming, ~kissable~ representative of your culture"
the last adjective was spoken much more quietly from the ursine boy's mouth
he presses a button on the garment's side that you had figured for a quirk of the manufacturing process
it shrinks down to the size of a coin in his hand
and he's left completely naked
no wonder he was out of it instantly on andross 32
"these do everything for you"
"they even keep your guts totally clear and your whole body clean"
"even the parts they don't cover"
"honestly, I've never seen anyone use the decontaminator so much since I 'Shipped Off'"
he smiles at that one, thinking he's just taken most of your cultural wallball game from you
don't be so sure 'Admiral Nelson'
"well, I guess they don't do EVERYTHING"
"I can think of a couple things they get in the way of"
"and considering how not-in-the-way mine is right now"
"I think there's an opportunity to take advantage of here"
{it occurs to you that you don't actually know how the whole 'gay sex' thing works
especially not in space
are you obligated to reciprocate for what happened on andross?
do you want that?
even if you don't, is trying it once the polite and sporting thing to do?
good thing those suits are so useful for this exact situation
oh god, what does THAT feel like}
"you've been staring off into proverbial space a lot, ever since you stared off into actual space"
"I was worried that you're having absence seizures but the scans are coming back better than the ones on your file"
you snap out of your mind palace of dreadful thoughts about your butthole and blurt out
fine, I'll do it I should, shouldn't I? it's only fair, I might like it, don't worry it's cool, cool. yeah fine great good I-
"you need some time to work stuff out? I'm not gonna make you do anything you're not cool with"
you're in a tenuous superposition of apprehension and curiosity
is this normal?
you wouldn't have even considered this back on earth
you might not have even had cause to
drew grabs your attention and your body as he pulls you in for a deep kiss
this is nice
not like last time
last time was a measure of desperation to stifle the brazilian wandering spider style pain wracking your body
now it's appropriately sensual and controlled
almost delicate by comparison
drew pulls away from you to say
"we'll take this as slowly as you want, man, we've got plenty of time"
"a few days less than I had hoped but still way more than we need to figure ourselves out"
he's managed to not only get every single piece of the clothing he called silly off of your upper body
and moved you both onto the space couch you weren't interested in inspecting right now
it's really strange and worth talking about
nope you don't care
you're quickly out of the pants you had chosen for their relative normalcy-
DON'T. CARE.
you're not hard yet
that's not good
is there a problem? are you not committed to this?
are you even gay?
have you made a terrible misguided mistake in the pursuit of intimacy with someone, anyone?
no, you're just caught up in your own head
as your other is forced into direct control with the influence of drew's lightest contact
first by the incidental brushing past of his black fur
then by the very intentional
but also surprisingly gentle wrapping of his hand around your dick
the skin on his palms is most closely comparable to vinyl leather-effect fabric
but it's warm
and it doesn't feel like it's always on the verge of flaking apart
almost, but not entirely, unlike
drew takes his hand off of you for only a moment
it feels like forever though as he positions himself directly above you
his almost entirely light pink dick and jet black velveted balls lined up with your own
they match well despite your own comparative plainness
you take note of the fact that he's got pretty big hands as compared to the rest of him
as he squeezes you both together with one
at least you can still fall back on the fact your balls aren't touching for now
the skin on his penis is different
really nice
there's a silky yet supple and elastic quality that you're not familiar with on account of all the fur in the way everywhere else
that's obviously thanks to the extra 'personal care' you caught a short glimpse of
'for now' is short lived as with the next motion drew's suede like scrotum is in direct contact with your own
that's 'really nice' too as you're at an uncharacteristic loss for words in this situation
it's only been a few seconds but all this has turned over your world so much that it's almost like you're having a near death experience
everything's moving at normal speed but you're processing it on such a minute level that it also feels like slow motion
cherish this
you've only got one or two more moments like this
and you might have already missed out on one with the androssian situation
and the other... might not be your speed
wait
is your entire pelvis region soaking wet?
yep
wtf
you ask "what's going on over there, smokey?" "is this kevin costner in waterworld?"
"sorry, we kind of work the opposite way" "our women aren't the lubricious ones"
he's been leaking and spurting in a really cute way that you've been missing in favor of all your in-the-moment soul searching
last time you just chalked it up to the contraband you'd accidentally changed a world with
neat
that makes you feel just a bit better about your future prostate prospects
just a bit

"is this putting you off?" "I'm so sorry man," "I-I can't help it"
"I'll figure something out" "I think there's a surgery I-"
no way
this is one of the hottest things you've ever seen
and felt
that's just about the lowest bar in the world
you make sure there's no miscommunication this time
you say in no uncertain terms that you love this peculiarity of his
he has to keep going
you reach down and your hand joins his
you're going to communicate wordlessly to control your pace
you reach up with your other arm
and pull his head down to resume the kiss you've been sorely missing even in the short time it's been so far
honestly
you'd be just fine with the kissing alone
the experience of sensual contact and the aimless search over your partner's body for its own sake rendered exquisitely in miniature
the sounds drew's making have the warmth and familiarity of your own voice in this moment
it's distracting from the tactile sensation you're working together to maximize
but it makes it different too
it's different in the way a chord is from a single note
an essential part of the experience
and a contributor of elevating complexity
your introspective experience is interrupted though
by the rising approach of orgasm
and drew's voice as he breaks the kiss
"aa-ah I'm close"
"I'm sorry"
you're interrupted slightly by your own noises and gasps as you say there's nothing to be sorry about
your timing's perfect
the black bear boy just might be made for you
and you for him
you both cum at exactly the same time
as the relief comes over you
you thought that was a contrivance reserved for porn
drew's cum drips onto your stomach and mixes with your own and the product of his hypercowperism
without thinking about it you dab your finger in to try it
a year ago you wouldn't have done this even if it was just your own
you would have hesitated if it was your own dripping from a woman who was into that
now though it's automatic
it's not good by any objective measure
like a salted raw egg white
in both taste and texture
but you're moved on an emotional level by what it is and what it means
is it soothing?
fulfilling?
whatever it is
it feels too right
as far as the ubiquitous adage goes
about sucking dick
you're not shaping up to be a quitter
another unthinkable by your pre-cosmic-shanghaiing standards
drew rolls off of you resulting in an awkward drop to the floor
oh shit
is he o-
"I'm ok"
yeah whatever
if that's how good simple frottage is
you can scarcely imagine penetrating him
you can strain to remember it though
hey, uh, is what happened to this couch covered under the warranty
or are you going to have to keep taking out loans every time we do this?
"it'll fix itself good as new, it has cleaner nanites just like the suits"
this really is a cool couch
it's suspended in mid air somehow
it doesn't move or shift like it's hovering though
there's a yellow glowing plinth it's mechanically coupled to
and a corresponding glowing surface on the bottom of the couch itself
there's just an air gap between them
that might have been a neat detail to know while you were fucking on it
too bad you chose not to inspect it
did this technology inspire the "Empties" from Roadside Picnic?
It still fits the theme
maybe even better
they're folding chairs not beer cans
post-nut clarity is still a thing in space
you're going to have to ask drew about it
he is an engineer after all
with a pretty serious degree
he said they stopped surveying earth about 150 years ago
that might have something to do with why he waited until you were a captive audience to declare his feelings
and why he didn't press further after your idiotic noncommittal response
you're still covered in whatever drew's lubricant is called and the in-comparison paltry quantity of cum
do you mind if I try on one of those cleaner suits by the way?
"go ahead" "don't try to put it on sitting down"
drew has a bunch of them
he usually only wears the engineering orange one with his credentials on it
it works well with the black fur
they're all about the size of a quarter and have a button on them
enough for those with a pattern to display them
most are solid colors though
is fate running on original series rules? should you wear the red one or not?

yellow's fine either way
you might have to adjudicate your personhood though
pressing the button has you enveloped in a thin, tight fabric that you wouldn't be surprised to hear is composed of only one molecule
as much as you like it on drew
you don't particularly like the way it looks on you
a big part of both opinions is the absurdly short pants-section
but walking back out into the passenger compartment/living room
it's immediately clear that drew does like the way it clings to you
he's flustered and stumbling over his words in the effort of complementing your appearance
a strange turn considering he had no trouble when you were just naked and covered in his fluids
you'll stick to the earth clothes
off the ship that is
it's too convenient not to wear this at least some of the time
and more importantly
drew clearly likes it too much to deprive him of the privilege of seeing you in one
over the next few local hours you discuss galactic culture and society with drew
in the hopes of finally getting yourself up to speed as much as possible
most of it is trivial at first and you're not likely to recall any of it by the time you're out of The Scar
you get to a point however where you remark on the quality and seamlessness of the translation system
you haven't heard an alien language since those grey motherfuckers dumped you into space
"what translation system?" "we've been speaking the same language this whole time"
what
there's no way that Max Rebo-looking dude who gave you this job speaks English
drew looks just as confused as you are
"the centaurians didn't flash your brain with galactic common?"
"from what I know about Earth"
"you speak so many languages that I thought it was next to impossible"
"that some randomly chosen human would speak the one that drew galactic attention in the first place"
"the council that designed galactic common speech took about a hundred thousand of your years to make it work for everyone"
"and you go and do it in a fraction of that time" "only a couple thousand years"
technically humans took the better part of 200,000 years to do it
"you've found records going back that far?"
I think the oldest evidence of people communicating with symbols we have is only like 30,000 years old
and there's no sign of language
"then what the fuck do you mean by 200,000?"
you remember reading that that's about the upper limit on modern human bones by carbon dating
"so you were all fucking around doing nothing for 170,000 of those years?"
pretty much
"most galactic constituents have a relatively short history before they achieved space faring capability"
"my people waged only three major wars before they were the last culture left on the planet"
"we built great urban centers which housed our most brilliant who worked to make hunger and illness a thing of the past"
"the rest continued living in modest agrarian homes in traditional society"
"for almost all of us the swamps and bogs and thunderstorms remained sacred and revered"
"then just about a lifetime later"
"we had uncovered most of the fundamental rules of the universe"
"an era of prosperity began where we wanted for nothing"
"and our focus turned outward"
"not to ask 'how do things work out there'"
"but for the sake of knowing who was out there"
"we had developed hyperlight communications and sent a low power pulse across all frequencies"
"almost immediately we were inducted into the wider galactic community"
"we didn't even have to build our own craft for traversing the land or water"
"let alone open space"
you picked the wrong tech tree AND the wrong civics tree
"I guess they didn't 'bear fruit' for you guys"
that wasn't supposed to be such a poignant metaphor but you don't have any reason to correct him
"as far as I know"
"the story's more or less the same everywhere save for the first spacefarers and a couple of races of outsiders like the centaurians who picked you up"
"but then we received signals in common through means we weren't expecting, on frequencies that weren't used by local sublight channels"
"all originating from one planet on the far edge of the galaxy"
"due to lensing effects and the relativistic consequences of hyperlight travel"
"the first scouts arrived long before the signals they had picked up had actually been emitted"
"a federal committee was established to document your planet as closely as possible"
"earth was a cultural trend for a long while"
"you were 'the brilliant people'"
"things happened on your planet that we still can't reconcile with our understanding of physics"
"creatures whose size made a mockery of the square-cube law"
"great floods of inexplicable magnitude"
"men changing matter from one form to another with their bare hands and no evidence technology existed to do it for them"
"their lives ceasing in brutal fashion and then casually returning to life without any semblance of proper medical care"
"great empires rising only to fall"
"a brilliant and consistent model of physics that didn't account for things we took as obvious"
"expressions of cruelty greater than many of us had lived to see on our worlds"
"but as we started to back off from your planet for fear we'd interrupt your progress"
"we began to see the first burgeoning of a new gentleness and kindness among some of your people"
"the end of your practices of discriminatory subjugation of your own people"
that still happens in some places
it's not supposed to
but it does
"It'll be awesome to get to know about what's happened since the contact avoidance policy was enacted"
"I'm sorry for getting so prosaic and hitting you with my fucking dissertation"
"but I love this stuff and your whole history dude"
"and you" he says very quietly
he's an engineer, not an anthropology PhD, right?
"I had to become a 'foremost expert' in Human History and Culture to get clearance to work on a ship operating so close to earth"
"every crewmember on the freight ship had to have the same qualification in case of first contact"
you joke with him saying
so I'm your fetish?
that's cool with me because I'd be lying if I said you weren't mine