Little sapling.

~*~

The more I think about the events that unfolded throughout my life, the more I tend to scrutinize them. I’ll be sitting in a chair, I’ll be drinking at night, I’ll be quietly reading a book and suddenly I’ll be hit with a realization.

It’s as if only now I’ve realized how messed up it was.

I like to believe that it was outside my control, and that life just dealt me a bad hand that I didn’t know how to play with, but even then…

I am the youngest brother of a beautiful woman. Her name is Ceres Fauna. She is 7 years older than me.

Our parents were a swinging pendulum, changing from over protective to despondent, often we were left to fend for ourselves. Fauna grew up too quickly, having to wake me up in the morning to get me to dress up for school, or making breakfast for me and dad. Naturally, like all siblings, we hated each other, but when push came to shove, we would always turn to each other. No one gets to bully me without my sister giving them a death glare, and almost 20 years later, I would constantly ask her “Do you need a ride?” whenever she went out, to make sure that she was home safe every time.

There’s two particular days, from over 18 years ago, that I can still vividly recall most of the details of, despite the fog that surrounds them. I was 4. Fauna was 11, and just starting to go through puberty.

She used to be extremely clingy to our father, and got super anxious when he wasn’t around. When such moments happened, she turned to me.

One night that he was out of town working and mom was fast asleep, I sneaked into the living room to watch TV. I was trying to watch Blue’s clues, I think. I didn’t know that the cable was out, and all the TV broadcasted was the news, and a channel with old and crappy films that no one cared about.

It was on this channel that I would have a premature sexual awakening.

An erotica film from the 90’s, two people in a car, and then in the next scene, they’re in a parking lot. They’re breathing heavily, and after a few moments of silence, they began kissing each other with great intensity. A couple of seconds later they were taking off their clothes, and the woman climbed on top of the man in the driver’s seat.

I was glued to it.

It felt wrong, but it was so fascinatingly obscene that I couldn’t look, or look away. I wonder if that was the first time I was exposed to sex, something might be hidden in the most desolate corners of my mind that my brain has expunged to a place I can’t reach, but that still holds its influence over me.

After that scene, there was just regular chit chat, no more erotic scenes. I got bored, and I went to my room.

That very same night, Fauna knocked on my door, and asked to sleep with me. There was a shiver in her voice. She must’ve missed dad.

She joined me in my small bed, and I felt her budding breasts pressed against me. I wanted to see them, to do the things I saw in the film, and I asked her to.

I asked her if she wanted to play a grown ups game. I knew there were ‘grown up’ things, even if I didn’t know the full extent of them. Fauna probably knew what I meant better than I did, but she agreed.

To this day I wonder why. A pubescent girl’s curiosity for what our parents would forbid, they were rather strict with relationships and sexual education, so, she might’ve seen an opportunity to get a taste of what was denied to her naturally.

I gave her a peck on her lips. That was the only kind of kiss I knew, but she returned it more fiercely, her kisses were meaty and sloppy. She played with my lips using hers, and her hands were locked around me. My hands were exploring her body in the darkness, getting a touch of her curves.

Like I saw in the movie, I grabbed her tits. Fauna jumped at my touch, but she didn’t protest, and instead, she asked me to keep going. I felt her nipples over her pajamas, and asked her to take it off, to which she obliged without hesitation.

I gave her kisses and sucked on her tits, while she gave me exasperated gasps and caresses on my back with her delicate hands. It was at this point what I decided to try something else, and I rubbed my hips against hers.

She gasped once more, and shifted her legs to the sides, giving me an opening to push easily. I humped her for a good while, like an animal. She grabbed my buttocks and let me thrust to my heart’s content while whimpers and moans escaped her mouth. Even if some of the details are foggy, I remember stopping, moving up to her face, and kissing her more, then she, asking me to get back down and hump her again.

I wanted to switch positions, so I laid on top of bed and asked her to get on top of me, but this time she refused. She said that she would squash me. So, I opted for something else and told her to lay on her stomach, and take off the lower part of her pajamas. I did so too.

Before cellphones had all of these fancy gadgets and apps, some of them didn’t even have flashlight functions, but they did have a camera with a flash. Fauna owned one of those phones. A Sony Ericsson that I would get years later as a hand me down. Why is this relevant to the story? Because of this.

I asked Fauna very clearly, very bluntly “Where’s your butt?”. She told me to wait as she took out that very same cellphone, and used the brief light from the camera to illuminate her behind.

I remember the roundy shape, her milky white skin, a mole, and more than anything, how she gave it a playful slap just as the phone’s flash ended.

I got over her, and kept humping her soft, round butt, until I can’t remember what happened next. The rest of the night is lost to my memory. The next day, isn't.

Mom was out to work, and dad still wasn’t back. I was playing with my toys in my room, and Fauna came in.

She asked me if we could play that game again, without a second thought, I agreed.

We went to our parent’s room. We made out again and our pants came off. She got on all fours in front of me, and I remember both her orange underwear and her pink shirt, slightly drawn towards her shoulders and letting a bit of her butt crack show. I humped her behind again.

I wished that moment had lasted more, but the house phone rang. In a hurry, and with a creeping sense of guilt, we both dressed up and left. Fauna answered the phone, and I went back to my room to play with my toys.

We never spoke about it ever again. Down the years she caught me watching porn and hentai a couple of times, but she never told on me. I masturbated to the memory growing up, and whenever we were left alone I wondered if she remembers it too.

There’s no reason to speak about it, it’s behind us and all. But I’d be lying if I pretended it wasn’t lingering at the back of my mind.