EXPLANATION ABOUT MYSELF.
This page will no longer serve a purpose. No I am NOT giving away the link. Might use it for another rentry, thanks.
Before you read
This rentry is a bit of an explanation for my behaviour and personality, also my problems. This is more informational than vague posting, as I do not wish to vent on a Markdown Pastebin site. This also has triggering topics so I suggest you do not read this if you are triggered to sensitive topics such as self-harm, suicide, and others.
Short introduction
If you didn't know me, or randomly saw this rentry, the name's Raozie. I am diagnosed with autism. I might have other disorders that I might not be aware of or are undiagnosed. I am in fact struggling with terrible mental health problems and have bad habits.
Look out when you're interacting with me
I am a very weird person to be around with. There are times where I sound rude, angry or plastic because of my tone or face, even though I don't really mean it that way. I get very upset whenever I don't get attention or when others get more attention than me. My personality changes. I am also honest with what I say about you to my friends, so if I ever say something bad about you, I'm just saying my view on you or how unlikeable you are being. Though that makes me biased, please do not go around saying "RAO IS A BACKSTABBER AND A SNITCH!!!!" because I don't go say "Oh my god, Glennie is so annoying!" over simple shit like laughing. I only do this when you piss me off or my friends. My humour is different from my friends', so is my style. I'm not just some quiet person who's into drawing and speaks English most of the time, but also a very goofy and loud person to the point where I can be seen as annoying. There are times where I just withdraw from others, like whenever I want to vent but then doesn't, or when I promised to go to an outing but cancels because I don't want to be around them or too drained to do so. I make dark jokes to cope about my past, please expect it when I feel more comfortable and/or you're fine with anything. I only show my actual self around people who are okay with anything, so if you think I'm being dishonest towards you, that means I'm trying to not make you uncomfortable. I might sound dry and unloving, but please bare with that.
Issues I have
I have terrible attachment issues. To elaborate further about this, I get attached extremely easily to other people I am friends with, and will see them as close rather than just friends. My mood will entirely depend on them, and if they don't give me attention, I will either end up hating them or get extremely upset. This doesn't happen rarely, it happens most of the time. It started back when I was Grade 2, I was seven at the time when my first and former best friend, Rodessa, started making more friends, and made me want to withdraw from her. It kept on going until Grade 7. This also happened with Lianne, Viserra, Rex, and others unmentioned.
Asides from this, I also have abandonment issues. This normally doesn't happen as much as the first one does until now. Once I am extremely close with that person, I'll start to overthink that if they leave me, I'll be nothing without them. Both attachment and abandonment issues are interrelated to each other for me. If someone ever does try leaving me I might tend to harm myself, or worse because I am codependent on that person.
I have personality issues. This is a bit complicated for me to explain, and for me to understand because when I do think about my personality, I'll just zone out. But to put it in simpler terms, I will act sarcastic, dry and rude towards someone I loathe. And when I'm around my friends I act like a "pick-me" or an "attention seeker", basically anything that fits that criteria. I also do not have a sense of how I am, nor do I acknowledge it. There are times where I feel like I'm not myself, and others where I feel like I'm just a character in someone's book following their plot of me going insane.
I also have jealousy issues. I'm not sure if it fits the criteria so I'll just share my experience. So basically whenever somebody gets a better achievement than me, I'll be really pissy about it for the whole day, or week depending on how severe it is. An example is when someone gets more reactions in their drawings compared to mine, or if somebody is younger but better at me in drawing. It'll make me feel less focused on stuff I'm doing or make me no longer want to do that thing until that person gets a huge downfall or if they leave. This also applies whenever I'm with my friends and somebody whom they just met becomes closer and gives them more attention than me, or if they give someone else more attention than me.
I'm really emotional. I cry easily, even over the slightest insults make me stop talking. I get mad quick over things like when somebody doesn't talk to me. I get too happy when something good happens, like simple hugs from close friends, or when somebody lets me talk about my interests. It sucks. People told me to suppress my emotions for it because it annoys them. I can't. I'm too expressive. And if I'm not expressive, I'll be seen as dry, so what's the FUCKING POINT TELLING ME TO NOT BE EXPRESSIVE IF YOU'RE GOING TO SEE ME AS DRY? It's annoying.
I might have others, though I haven't been taking quite note of it. I'll update this section whenever I can.
Habits I have
I struggle with self-harm thoughts, and when I do have them, I'll either bite myself or hit my thigh a few times to control it. If it gets too out of hand, you know what happens. While others do tell me to not do it, it pisses me off. Yes, I am codependent on a person, but that doesn't mean I'll do anything they say that I can't control.
I also have a terrible habit of overthinking things, like what if something bad happens to Absol? What if Heather hates me? What if me and my boyfriend Mewo broke up? And when these thoughts overtake me, I'll eventually succumb to it and breakdown sobbing. It makes it hard for me to breathe whenever it happens and the world spinning fast in my eyes. My head starts hurting and my chest will feel tight. When it gets worse, there's a possibility I will throw up or faint.
I'm unsure if this is a habit but hating on someone that doesn't give me attention especially if they are close. This first occurred to me back in elementary, and still carried that habit until now. An experience of this was with my former circle of friends, Bea, Avery, Keiko, and Rhea. I felt extremely left out in our friendgroup to the point where I started to despise them, and eventually left the group. Another was with Rex when he ignores me. I ended up ranting about him to my friends, and when he does interact with me again, I'll immediately regret what I said and told the others I take it back. Not saying I fully hate on Rex' existence, I love him platonically, but I can't help but feel that way because my brain has this mindset that if they don't care about me or notice, I'll hate them. Ian is also another one listed here, although it's more different from Rex', or the others. It's more destructive for me, if I can describe it more accurately. Let's just say, I hate him so much I want him fucking lying on the floor with his guts out, but at the same time, I just want him to notice me again, to be close with him once more. It fluctuates from time to time, but most of the time I just want his attention. If you were to ask my friends, these guys aren't the only ones.
I ghost my friends. I have a habit of ignoring their messages, or their presence. I don't know why. They don't bother me anyway, but then again, ignoring them feels a bit right? If I don't want to deal with their shit, it's either a rude message or straight up block. This is situational. When I'm drained, or tired, I'll just ignore them or light-heartedly tell them(which is rare since I just ignore them.)
I isolate myself whenever I'm jealous or I feel the slightest mood change. For example, I feel really ecstatic; screaming in joy and shit like that. Whenever that moment is done, bam! That mood is completely ruined. I'll be more drier or less energetic, to the point where others will give me space.
I'm selectively mute, I WILL stop talking when I don't feel like it. I'll either use body language, or drawings. If I can't really take it, I'll just do simple head movements. I can't do sign language, I'm not good at it, nor have I learned it. If this happens online, I'll just use gestures or emojis, although that depends. If I don't speak at all in games like ROBLOX then I'm using PS4.
Not really that bad, but some, if not most of friends find it weird. I bite my nails when I'm nervous or bored. I also do the thing where I shake my leg as a way to stimulate myself. Just going to add that just in case you won't get too shocked when you see me do that in person. Do tell if you're disgusted, but that wouldn't stop me since I've been doing this since I was a child.
UPDATES AND NOTES:
UPDATE 1: Added stuff in some parts.
I will add more in this rentry, stay tuned.
Oh and, if you happened to be associated with / one of the people I hate or are no longer friends with and you were mentioned and/or have experienced this with me, you can DM me about it. I will talk to you about that. I'm not resolved with some of the people here. Don't attack or "inform" the names mentioned unless I inform them myself or have told you, but for now, shut the fuck up.
UPDATE 2:
Added stuff again. Hi Ian, you're added here, yay! ^_^ ./neg
I MIGHT have BPD. I've been conducting a lot of research and I've been considering it, although, I don't want to offend anyone who has it diagnosed. Do educate me when you have it so that I'll be more informed, thanks.
If you want more darker stuff about me, then I'm afraid I won't be saying it here. I'd rather send you a message about other stuff that people find uncomfortable or gross if you're okay with it. Heads up, it features a more inappropriate topic. So please do not ask about it if you're not okay with it.