read my cinnabar rant. thanks
Cinnabar is Me . here's How
Exhibit A: Shinsha has no motivation to change himself.
AKA: PHOS WAS NOT IN HIS RIGHT MIND, AND HIS HELP WAS NOT BUT A DEVICE THAT LEFT CINNA HANGING
Shinsha seems to support phos talking with him, and coming up with a plan. Although, to me, it seems almost more like shinsha is using phos’ (kind of off-putting…) enthusiasm about getting him a new job as some sort of excuse to speak with him. He talks about it very seriously, bringing it up often when he see’s phos, and yet we learn that all he wanted was to be accepted—which, to me, seems pretty far from what phos was doing. Not that phos was particularly making shinsha any more unique, but he wanted to help him change, start doing something more interesting, and… fun.
* We later see phos forget entirely about the “fun” aspect. To me, the “fun” part of finding shinsha a job was the only part of the task that was actually ABOUT shinsha. Phos saw an opportunity to give shinsha something phos couldn’t have. A job, and one that he doesn’t feel lost doing. I imagine this is related to how unique shinsha naturally is—i imagine phos found it easy to picture a world where shinsha gets to have a job thats fun—because he’s naturally unique. Important. Capable. seemingly committed. And most of all, deserving of attention. Deserving of care.—all things that phos was not. While the job part could have been about shinsha, something that helps him relate to the rest of the school, it simply wasn’t. Phos wasn’t thinking about that. He wasn’t considering shinsha’s wishes. Perhaps you can lay some blame on shinsha, as he never objected, but as someone who relates to him, it’s hard to not make excuses. Something about how when you feel different, useless, & like a mess, it’s easy to perceive everyone’s wishes and positive speak as about yourself—it’s easy to feel like it’s true care. And eventually you’ll realize it isn’t, and it was never about you, and not everyone is as alone—which i believe shinsha did, when he denied travelling with phos to the moon. He saw that the care phos was giving him had started to give phos what he wanted, so he was no longer the focus, no longer as needed, and stepped out before he could show that he still cared. Shinsha took longer to forget than phos did. Shinsha remembered and cared because—I think— he never stopped caring. It’s hard to, when someone tries to help you, and offers saving you in a way you cannot do yourself.
Exhibit B: Shinsha cared when and where Phos did NOT (or, could not).
AKA: SHINSHA OUTDID HIM WITH TIME AND CONSIDERATION—ITS ALMOST LIKE EVERYONE WAS RIGHT ABOUT PHOS, FOR A WHILE
CinnaPhos peak for sure, but to me, it looks a bit one-sided. Maybe it would’ve worked after phos fixed himself, got what he wanted, was accepted. Or maybe if he truly considered what shinsha wanted. But he didn’t. He used the change of thinking about others for once to start many changes he could not undo. Shinsha did not get change for a long, long time, and although it was with phos’ “help”, it was NOT with him in mind. Dia told phos to try changing, that he did. Maybe for a while he tried to being cinna with him, freeing him from what was keeping him in that cave (his own… perception of himself, formed unfairly and quite stupidly on the other’s comments about him), but he did not try for long, if at all. Phos did not think about that. He did not think about others that deep. We see him realize, as slowly as he does, that it is about him—his goal is about him—or so he thinks for a while. Perhaps Phos did not know how to think deeply. He—IN WHAT I WILL ARGUE is not his fault (he was doomed)—started thinking about the bigger picture. Something that ended up taking away the small pictures. Phos no longer had time to think about his promise to cinnabar, or fucking around in the hills, or dia & bortz or alex’s studies; he destroyed all of the little pictures. I think, if anyone, Shinsha remembered. Shinsha thanking phos for his promise, to me, looks like shinsha cherishing the older, smaller pictures. When phos would find him in the fields and they would be awkward and a bit gay.
* I seem to recall you non-seriously saying I ‘missed the point’ when I told you I sometimes pretend they’re still there. But it means a lot more than ignoring what happened. It’s in opposition to it. It’s to think and, in my head, acknowledge (using the word acknowledge means that it is a fact, btw. I know ur not huge on grammar but that’s why “acknowledge” is important wording here) that if only phos got the smaller things WE get, he’d have changed earlier. We get little things all the time. We get songs and shows and playlists and family and animals and the future to look forward to in the form of achievements to reach. Phos did not get any of it. Phos was trapped in a world where he did not belong (reminds me of someone. Oh, hi cinna, what’re you doing here?). Phos was trapped, born into a world where there was nothing for him. He was always going to yearn for more. He was always going to daydream about the possible world, the world if he hadn’t been born the way he was. He was always going to wish for something more, and pretend there was something he was missing. Something he could find out. A secret the world was hiding from him, one that would change everything. He was always going to be human. These are what makes him human. Putting a human in this world, the one Phos is always in, is dooming him. Shinsha had phos as his light, and his little moment that would keep looking for something. Until he looked too far, and shinsha knew he lost him. And that he was doomed and that maybe while he had time he could fit in. Which he did! He did. Barely in time, shinsha realized phos was going to be their end, and he had no other choice, he was born that way. Shinsha realized phos had lead him to his dreams by simply being him. That is why Shinsha never forgot, and thanked phos. I think. Shinsha had to always remember him. He was the first to see what phos would become. Phos had to change, he had nothing else. He would never have anything else. Not in that world; in that world, Cinnabar and Phosphophyllite were always doomed.
Anyway shinsha me fr