Brawl, Break, Bond
By Penelope Pagan June Sea Witch

Rage is a funny thing. In the midst of it, everything is crystal clear. The grey world desaturates into white or black. You feel everything you do is justified. But once it is gone, you are placed back in that grey world, the consequences left to haunt you.

Severa knew rage, she had carried it in her heart for her entire life. She buried it deep, hid it from everyone, especially Lily. She knew the cost of rage, it was regret. Her father had taught her that. How he looked at her after a night of drinking had turned into abuse. So she swallowed her rage, unwilling to become anything like her father.

At Hogwarts, she was just a meek student with unfortunate features and a knack for attracting bullies. No one knew what kind of books she read late at night. Dark tomes that whispered vengeance and glory. It was all academic, she lied to herself, all theoretical. And it was, she'd never lifted a finger to stop her bullies. It wasn’t until she was lifted upside down that her rage tumbled out of her mouth and the theoretical became real.

She remembered it as if she was merely a passenger, as if someone else had pulled out her wand and said those spells. She knew she was kidding herself, knew that she had adored the fear in James’s eyes when she had disarmed him. That she savored the moment the wand snapped. No, in truth, she dissociated not because she stood over her tormentors, victorious and vengeful. Instead, it was what she had seen when she had looked up and into the crowd. The eyes of Lily Evans, afraid.

The rage had drained away from Severa then and all she felt amid her victory was regret. Perhaps it was this that had saved her from being expelled. She had cried real tears in Dumbledore’s office as she tried to explain her side of the story. In the end, she was only given a month's detention of cauldron cleaning with a promise of expulsion should she ever do anything like that again.

Detention was easy, Severa was used to repetitive cleaning. It was the only thing her father ever expected of her. The real difficulty was the loneliness. Ever since that day, Lily had been avoiding her. Not just Lily, everyone, even the classmates she just traded notes with. Everyone was afraid she might attack them next.

Severa sighed into the grimy cauldron she was cleaning. It was her lot in life to be ostracized. She was a gangle of limbs on a too-thin body, poor and ill-apt for conversation. The only reason Lily had tolerated her was because they had known each other since they were children. But even Lily couldn’t tolerate a monster, which she must have looked like, standing above James, his broken wand in her hand.

It was two weeks since the fight. Lily didn’t feel sorry for James or Sirius, they deserved what came to them. If the teachers here weren’t so lenient it wouldn’t have even happened. Severa had snapped, Lily had never seen her that furious, like a goddess scorn. It had scared Lily. It still scared Lily.
She had known Severa her entire life and never had she ever so much as yelled before. Yet, when they had locked eyes, there was such uncontrollable rage in her dark pupils. The depths felt unfathomable. How could this be her best friend? How could she not know her friend held this much hate?

It was a gut punch to learn you knew far less about a person than you thought. Lily had always rescued Severa from her bullies, always putting herself in front of James’s wand. But apparently, she needn’t have bothered, apparently, it was James she had been protecting all this time. The thought made her sick, maybe if she hadn’t been so quick to act Severa would have put him in his place years ago. The lout deserved no less.

She didn’t know what to do, so, coward she was, she avoided Severa. She went out of her way to interact with her other friends, trying to not even look in the direction of the Slytherin table. Severa let her. Severa was always like this, she would just let things happen to her. There were no confrontations or even notes delivered by owl, there was just nothing. It was as if they’d never been friends.

The gulf between them had settled in the last two weeks and now it was the new normal. The idea of breaching that divide, to hold a conversation with Severa, felt impossible. It ate at Lily but she was paralyzed and still afraid. The rage in Severa’s eyes had entered her dreams and turned them into nightmares. She just wanted to go back to before this all happened.

“Lily? Lilllly! Stop daydreaming and pay attention.” Came a voice knocking her back into the world of the living. She had been brooding in the Gryffindor common room and must have lost track of things as standing before her was the last person she wanted to see, James. His cocksure attitude might have been endearing had she not known what kind of person he was.

“What do you want?” She asked sharply.

“Oh don’t be like that, I just wanted to ask you something, that’s all.” He said with a smile. Lily narrowed her eyes.

“And what would that be?”

“Well… you know how there’s a Hogsmeade weekend coming up? I just thought, well, maybe you’d like to go with me? It’ll be just us, and we can do whatever you want.” He said in a rush.

He looked almost bashful, standing there with his hands in his pockets, waiting for her reply. If she didn't know James, didn't know about the years he spent making Severa's life hell, didn't know about the gossip that called him hansy, she might have said yes. James had an attractive face, but that was it. He was twisted up on the inside and Lily didn't want anything to do with him.

"No." She said flatly.

"Oh come on Lily, it'll be fun. I heard that the three broomsticks was running a couple's deal. All the butterbeer you'd want for two. I'll cover everything. I promise you won't regret it." James pleaded.

"No James, I don't want to go," Lily said and got up from her chair and started to walk towards the girls' dorms. The audacity of this boy to think she wanted to be anywhere near him. That he could treat her friend like dirt and somehow Lily would magically be okay with going on a date with him. It made her blood boil. James grabbed her by the arm.

"Please Lily wait-"

But he never finished that sentence as Lily turned around and decked him in the face.

Severa had just finished scrubbing another cauldron when the door to the potions classroom opened behind her. She turned, expecting Professor Slughorn but instead, it was Lily. Severa could hardly believe it, and by the astonished look on Lily's face, neither could she. Her hair was a mess, there was a bruise forming on her left cheek and her knuckles were bright red.

"Lily? What happened? Are you okay?" Severa asked, moving over to Lily, trying to get a better look at her injuries. She didn't look too bad, just bruises, but where did they come from? Who had dared hurt Lily Evans of all people?

"I'm fine, really, Sev. I uh, I punched James."

"You punched James?" Severa asked, open-mouthed. Lily blushed a little. Severa idly thought it was cute.

"Well, he had the audacity to ask me out, after how he treated you and everything. And I told him no but he kept trying to persuade me and then he grabbed my arm and I just ended up... punching him. It became a whole thing, though I think he was just trying to get me off him." Lily said as she fidgeted with her red hair.

"I can't believe you did that."

"Me neither, he just made me so mad."

"So what are you doing here then?" Severa asked with a tilt of her head.

"Oh, um, I am serving detention. I didn't know anyone else was down here."

"Yeah, they got me cleaning cauldrons after you know, the fight."

"Oh right, that makes sense."

The two lapsed into awkward silence. Severa mentally kicked herself for bringing up the fight. Not that she could have pretended she was in a dreary classroom cleaning out grime and muck for hours on end for another reason.

"The cauldrons are over there, I've got about half of the lot done. With you here we'll get it done in half time." Severa said walking over to the pile of unclean cauldrons and pulling one out. Lily followed her, and Severa placed the cauldron into her hands. Lily grunted with effort as she held it up. Severa smirked.

"I always forget how small you are, here, Let me help." She said, reaching to reclaim the cauldron but Lily took a step back.

"No, I've got it. And I'm not small, you're just stupidly tall." Lily said as she pushed the cauldron onto a table. Severa rolled her eyes.

"Stubborn as always. We are friends you know, you can rely on me." Severa said as she pulled out another cauldron and placed it on a table.

"Are we friends? Last I checked my friends don't casually use dark curses on schoolyard bullies."

Severa didn't know how to respond to that, so she instead got to work scrubbing. She could hear her father's voice, good for nothing but cleaning the floors, you filthy whore, just like your mother. She tried to push it away, to disbelieve it, but she couldn't even keep her best and only friend from hating her. She let her tears fall silently into the cauldron and mix into the scrub water. It was as if they never even occurred.

"I'm sorry, that was harsh. It's just, Sev, you really never, I mean, I didn't- Why did you never tell me?" Lily asked with such pointed anger it forced Severa to look up. Lily was staring daggers at her. Her eyes were blazing and her face was set. They didn't soften when they saw Severa's tears, instead Lily just got more mad.

"You were crying and what? You were just gonna sit there in silence? Just gonna take it like you always do? Just like when you didn't tell me about your father?" Lily was shouting now. She was advancing now, her finger raised in accusation. Severa backed away, her eyes widening at the mention of her father.

"Were you ever going to tell me about him? I only know the rumors my mother shared. You probably wouldn't ever tell me the half of it. We are supposed to be best friends but all you do is hide!" Lily shouted. Severa was against the wall now and Lily was right up in her face. Lily's anger had become mixed with tears. Streams were running down her face as she looked up into Severa's eyes. Severa didn't know what to do, didn't know what to say, whether to flee the classroom or try to comfort Lily. She just stared down into Lily's piercing green eyes, tears welling up in her own.

"You just hide and pretend you're fine! But you not are you!? I saw you, the way you looked when you stood over James! You are not fine! How could you have so much anger within you? You are my friend, I am supposed to protect you. But you won't let me. You won't even tell me when you're upset. You'd rather cry by yourself than open up to me!" Lily was sobbing now, clutching at Severa's uniform. The anger replaced by pleading. Severa could only think of one thing to do. She engulfed Lily in a hug, letting Lily's tears stain her robes.

"I'm sorry." She whispered as she rubbed Lily's back. "I just, I don't know how to. It's easier to just pretend."

"You don't need to pretend, I am always going to be here for you, no matter what. I- I love you you know that right?" She said before quickly adding
"Like a sister."

Severa turned pink at the mention of love but luckily Lily was buried in Severa's robes and didn't see. This wasn't that kind of moment anyway Severa scolded herself. She pushed Lily away so she could look her directly in the eyes.

"I- I can try. I can't promise anything but, I'll try. For you." She said, willing her commitment to show in her face. Lily searched her eyes for a moment and must have found what she was looking for because she broke into a small smile.

"Good, I know it won't happen all at once, but it's good you're willing to be more open. Um, friends?" She stuck out her hand sheepishly. Several let out a little laugh and shook it.

"Okay, um, back to cauldron cleaning?" Severa asked awkwardly, it felt weird to return to such a mundane task after the emotional heights they'd just experienced. Lily wiped her eyes and nodded, returning to her cauldron. Before she got there though, she turned around.

"One more thing, um, you know the Hogsmeade weekend coming up?" Lily asked, eyes not meeting Severa's.

"Yes, I know about it. Why?"

"Well, um, would you like to come? With me? There's a couple's deal at the three broomsticks, all the butterbeer you could want. It would be just the two of us and, um, fun?" Lily's words tumbled out in an awkward jolt. It was odd, They'd been to Hogsmeade plenty of times before, why was she acting like this? Well, she didn't really care, she just was glad to be near Lily again.

"Of course, I'd love to." She said.

The beam Lily gave her at those words made everything that had transpired in the last two weeks worth it.