To be clear: I wrote ALL of these. Do not claim as your own or I will be pissed. No, he is not dead, I write in very dramatic ways. The majority of these are vent poetry. Do not post anywhere unless you've asked me.
DD/MM/YY
29/4/2023
you may as well have stolen my heart the day we met. Your kindness and patience confused me but you had calmed the pointless rage that was boiling in my veins. You ceased it. It was you who made me feel something strange. Something i couldn't understand at the time. I was so taken aback by how beautiful you were and how your laugh made me smile. But it felt right. It felt right, something i never thought I'd feel but i did then, and i want to feel like that again but i don't think i ever will. You were someone that made me realize that i deserved good things, you were something good to me, Someone good to me. And i don't think i could ever get that back. I don't think i could get the man that laughed when I used horrible pick up lines. I don't think I'll ever get back the man who i wrote songs for. I don't think i could ever get the one who i enjoyed talking with back. But i do know one thing, why i miss you.
because i realized far too late that i love you, and i still do
30/4/2023
A feeling i don't understand. The pain in my chest since knowing I'd never talk to him again. The strange needle that began to sew the holes in my heart now stabs at it, reminding me how I'll never talk to him specifically. He was so kind, he was. He was just so beautiful. I didn't understand what it was at the time i just knew it felt right. It felt right, something i never thought I'd feel but i did then, and I want to feel it again but i don't think i ever will. The agonizing pain in my chest, ripping at the strings of my heart, beckoning it to break. Beckoning me to give up hope. If i said what I felt with him wasn't real, call me a liar, for i think i might've fallen for someone i can never have. Someone i can never hear laugh again. Someone i don't think i could ever replace. It was he that i fell for and wanted to cherish. It was he who made me realize that I do deserve good things. Because he was something good, someone good to me. Someone still in my heart. Someone i never got to say, "i love you" to.
30/4/2023
To love is such a strange concept to me, it's foreign. The first time i felt that strange feeling bubble up in my chest, i thought i was sick. But i knew it had to be something more, there must've been a reason for how he made me feel. He mended wounds in my heart, he calmed the anger boiling through my veins, he made me feel right. And i loved that. I loved him. I know now and it's still difficult to wrap my head around. I'm actually not the best with words when it comes to this sort of thing, i just write i guess. But this writing, has meaning to me. It's not another random silly song where i randomly strum the guitar. It's like a story. A story about someone who's just grasping the concept of this feeling he's never had a name for. Love.
It brings me to realize that it's a part of life, not everyone stays but you have to cherish them while you can, and that you won't feel sad or heart broken after some time.
For me it's the understanding that i still love him and i don't have to feel sad when i remember everything we've done, rather, it puts a smile, a genuine smile on my face.
1/5/2023
My heart aches waiting for someone I'll never get to speak with again. We were close. We were. And i think it was safe to say the feelings were mutual but how on earth could i ever move on when i know i could never run into someone like him. He was just so beautiful. His flaws his charm his kindness his everything. I just wish i could've told him sooner. But i missed my chance. And now I'll never get to tell him.
1/5/2023
The look he'd give me, i loved, and miss. The stare of confusion before laughter, i miss. But i really miss him. You know, he's just so lovely. I wish i could speak to him again, then I'd be able to tell him how i feel, i wouldn't sit here waiting, for something that will never happen. I remember when we'd talk about our source, that's also how we quickly figured out that we had the same one. We talked and laughed for hours. We'd play games together or just sit quietly on call, enjoying each other's silent company. It makes me smile thinking about it, but i don't understand why my chest hurts. It's a new feeling, one i couldn't recognize, it feels like grief or guilt, but it's not quite that.
I used to tell him all the time that one day, I'd tell him a secret. I guess it's going to stay a secret.
2/5/2023
My heart pounds in my chest, screaming, pleading for him, desperate to tell him it's feelings. My heart continues to pound, hitting my ribs, threatening to break loose and find him, but i know i never will. Yet my heart still believes it can.
He was too kind not to love. He was too beautiful not to love. His flaws and beauty, i wouldn't trade for the world. I'd give the world to speak with him again, he was my everything, no, my world.
He leaves my heart screaming in agony, waiting for him to return while i continue off into my days of repetition, waiting and waiting.
But, he was my light. My moon in the night. My candle in the cave. My first love. And what might be my last love. I'm willing to wait for him, no matter how long I have to. I don't think id ever forgive myself if i chose to move on.
2/5/2023
I love him so much more than I will ever understand. What's not to love about someone so lovely. I wanted nothing more than to preserve those times with you, but I can't do that even now, so, I write it out in hopes of keeping a piece of you with me always. I need to find out why my heart hurts thinking about you, you make me smile, genuinely, but, I don't understand why my heart weeps, crying out in woe. I want to know why, I need to know why. I know falling in love makes many afraid because, they've become attached to someone, someone that could so easily leave or disappear.
But it also empowers others, makes them feel strong and so, so loved. It's a wonderful thing that could make or break someone.
With each passing second this feeling grows stronger, it's almost as if someone was slowly pushing pins and needles into my veins and heart, trying to create new and open old wounds in my heart. The song I last sang to him, I still have. It wasn't even a good one, or had any real melody but, it made him smile and laugh. So in my book, it was a good song. I've been trying to write a new one, a good one, one with a true melody but, It just doesn't feel right, no matter how I write it. There's nothing in the world that could convey just how much I care about him. How much I miss him. How much I love him.
I fell too hard when we talked together, I fell too hard and realized too late. Too late to ever tell him.
It's too late to tell him how I'd take care of him when he's sick, it's too late to tell him how much I care about him, it's too late to tell him I want to make him smile, it's too late to tell him how I'd stay up all night and talk with him if he couldn't sleep, it's too late to tell him how beautiful he is, it's too late to tell him that his flaws are what make him perfect to me, it's too late to sing him another silly song, it's too late to tell him how i'd do whatever it takes to make him feel better on a bad day, it's too late to tell him how kind he is, it's too late to tell him about all the things I'd do for him, it's too late to tell him how I feel, it's too late to apologize to him for mistakes I made, it's too late to tell him everything I love about him; His beautiful wings, his raven hair, his adorable smile, his beautiful scar, I could go on for hours, days even.
It's too late to tell him I love him.
24/7/2023
This feeling, it's so conflicting. I'd never want to put any form of pressure on them just because I miss him dearly. Sure, I loved him and still do, I can't bring myself to say anything in fear of causing some form of pressure. I'd never want that. They're our friend, I don't want them to feel like they have to do something when they don't.
10/10/2023
The day i fell for him was the day i wanted to tell him. I've been waiting a long time, but, i can tell him now. I'm finally able to talk to him once more. I hold him dearly and i want him to know, hopefully he will soon. I plan on telling him within the month. Tell him how beautiful he is, tell him how adorable his laughter is, tell him how i care for him, tell him how i love him. I'm almost ready, recently I've been writing different ways to tell him and nothing's come out right, so I'm just going to tell him as it is: I love him.
What's not to love about him? He's just so kind and loving. He's my reason to smile, he makes me smile just thinking or writing about him, and i love that. It feels nice, the butterflies i get in my stomach as i write or type. He deserves the world and i plan to give it to him no matter what obstacles stand before me.
I think I'm getting better at conveying things properly. No more misinterpretation. Just direct words. And these words will be direct when i say them. I don't want anything to obscure what i wish to say.
For him, i would write until my hands fail to hold a pen.
For him, i would type until my hands fail to press buttons.
For him, the world.