Hai my name is Saint & this is my more personal diary as of 09.18.25 (*´ ᴗ｀)
If you have somehow found this diary & you know who I am, PLEASE just ignore it & don't share it. This is very personal.
𝟶𝟿 . 𝟷𝟾 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, I hate myself so much oh my god．I relapsed last night & passed out from all the blood．There goes my 1 year of being clean down the fucking drain．I'm scared to tell anyone but i'm also scared of someone finding out．I feel so guilty & disgusting ，I hate how I feel when having to hide this．Why am I so stupid．All I can think about is how disappointed my dad would be right now．I can't stop thinking about how he could've been watching me do it．I don't want to disappoint him I feel so horrible．I know my mom would sob if she found out I did it again．What is wrong with me why did I do this．What happens if my aunt finds out ，she would probably try to send me to an asylum or something．I'm so fucking stupid．
𝟶𝟿 . 𝟷𝟿 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, Just cut again．I did so many multi－swipes ，I love how good they hurt．The bloody tissues are so pretty too．I'm so glad I found this blade it's doing so well 🙏🏼
𝟶𝟿 . 𝟸𝟶 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, I have been wearing my dads shirt for the past few days because it's the only shirt that covers my cuts．I have to go somewhere today so I have to change & i'm really nervous because what if I can't hide my cuts with a different shirt ？(ToT) Wish me luck．
UPDATE BECAUSE MY MAMA GAVE ME ONE OF HER SHIRTS & IT'S PERFECT ！IT COVERS THEM PERFECTLY OMG FUCK YEAH．
𝟶𝟿 . 𝟸𝟸 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, I want to cut myself again．I have every opportunity to & I know it will feel really good but I hate the aftermath．I hate that guilty feeling so much ，it makes me wanna rip my stomach out．I hate how much I enjoy doing this．I'm getting into my old habits again & I don't like it．God I want to curl up & die．
Okay so I cut again but like i'm having trouble finding places to cut (ToT) I have like no more space to cut myself where I can hide it properly．UGH ALL FOR THAT ;-;
I cut on the other shoulder but midway I was thinking like how am I gonna cover the right shoulder if the left side of my shirt keeps going up ，it'll just expose my other cuts (ToT) I'll figure something out．
𝟶𝟿 . 𝟸𝟹 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, I threw up my breakfast this morning & it was really scary．I felt like I was going to pass out because of it，which that always happens & it's so fucking terrifying．I hate throwing up so much I hate having emetophobia with an ED ugh．I'm just gonna have to push through it．
Peeling scabbed over cuts hurts so good．I want to cut more but I don't have anywhere else thats easy to hide．Fuck my stupid baka life．💔🥀
I don't think cuts are supposed to have pus ．．．I really hope they're not infected ，I don't know how to take care of them at all bro (ToT)
I want to fucking kill myself why did I ruin everythig why do I have to be episodic rn．Wtf is wrong with me I want to fucking die I hate myself I hate myself so much．I just want everything to be better why is my life so fucking shit I just wanna curl up & die I hate this I hate everything．
𝟷𝟶 . 𝟶𝟷 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, God it stings so good．I figured out a better way to cut with this small blade I've been using．It's much easier to cut on the looser parts of my skin & it makes the cuts much deeper which is really nice．They are literally bleeding through my shirt bro (ToT)
𝟷𝟷 . 𝟷𝟹 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, Just cut again oh my god it feels so good．The sting is so good ，I love the adrenaline rush of cutting so much．I know I'm gonna hate myself tomorrow tho (ToT)
I love the look of the bloody paper towels ，they looks so pleasing to me．
I hate myself I'm sitting here crying over fucking corndogs dude．I just had to walk all the way around to get corndogs for my mama ，which I am okay with doing ，however ，I'm fucking blind & didn't see the other fridge so I just couldn't find the corndogs．It's 47 degrees outside & the floor in that garage is so freezing it hurt so bad．I didn't have shoes because mine are dirty & I'm not allowed to use them until they're clean (per my aunts request)．I ended up walking back with nothing & I was so overwhelmed ，cold ，& overall just annoyed in general．I started crying my damn eyes out after I sat down．
That's not all．My aunt just got back when I went outside & didn't even offer to help ，in fact she told my mom I could do it myself．Mind you ，she saw we walk outside barefoot with no jacket．She helped after I came back & when I said I was blind as a joke ，she agreed？I mean ，I know I said it before her but she didn't have to say it back to me．She didn't even say it in a nice tone ，she was so mean about it．
I had then found out they were mini corndogs & not the big ones on the stick．I was super excited for them because I love corndogs ，but I really don't like the mini's．So then I just cried more & decided not to eat dinner．Yay /sar．