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Happy NY(E). get gayer and more nonsensically lorcarsque in this year of our lord 2026. I'm beginning to understand more and more with each passing year that Literature is just man's outlet for pseudoabrahamic spirituality and unresolved Camusian absurdism. I hope this page is published posthumously and everyone remembers me as a quasipsychotic homosexual censorship victim. Except the censorship is in my Head

^ HELLO? WHO SAID THAT

I keep forgetting to write in here. I have a bearblog would you want to see it

You won't. I finished Lorca's biography and now I finally understand the title of that production. They didn't let him confess himself or see the moon. I'm Devastated truly I need to die and be buried underground (NOT LIKE HIM... WOW... WHY WAS THAT?) Anyway now I'm not the same person and I will scream about how they killed a genius at every chance I get. I've been yearning really badly for a Lorca ita bag, it's been a theoretical concept in my head for a lot of time. My birthday is too far away and my Saint day is even farther so I can't justify having somebody buy me a pin maker or a bag but I'm truly so obsessed with the idea that I may very well drop 100€ on the damn machine myself. God knows I love him that much. God knows I love the republic that much. WHAT HAPPENED IN 1934 IN MY REGION WAS THE UPRISING OF WORKERS AGAINST THE CO-ALLIED RIGHT AND IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN IN 2027 DON'T LET RIGHT-WING PROPAGANDA FOOL YOU INTO THINKING IT WAS AGAINST THE REPUBLIC. I'm very out of my material because I keep thinking about death and things of that sort. I should remake this page. I need a lot of money right now.

Wow that made absolutely no sense. As you can see I'm experiencing humanity to its fullest extent. I'm finishing up Fuenteovejuna for the 125826th time. Who doesn't love civil uprisings?
On a slightly more serious note (not really), I feel a little behind lately on lorcaesque & dalinian things. I really should lean fully into myself but work and other things have held me up. It will all come back soon though! As it often does. I just have to be careful and not forget all the wonderful things I know.
We don't talk about what Spain/Lorca/Dalí could've been in this house (i start crying) or about the upcoming elections (i start screaming) or about death (i start vomiting)
I've been investing a lot of my time thinking about terrorism and separatism though. More on that later

^ I lied. I just remembered I can put whatever I want on here though.
«—Nuestra gente es gente buena; nuestra gente es bondadosa... Ruguen a Dios por que algún día no toda la gente buena sea pobre. Rueguen a Dios por que algún día un niño pueda comer.
Las asociaciones de propietarios sabían que algún día cesarían las plegarias.
Y ése sería el fin.»
• Uvas de La Ira, J. Steinbeck. pg 303-304 so I don't forget.
I'm enjoying it.

We are all losing literacy and other things. The monotony of life and the feeling that you will never really get anything more out of this... it is Eating me Alive personally. I mend it by engaging with my interests but I feel those are losing themselves! I need to get back on track. I need some sort of audience.

I'm in Italy. How are you? I love my boyfriend. Life has been breathed into me. I remember writing that expression sometime earlier but I don't remember where. Anyway, I love my boyfriend. You really grow to cherish things when you stop getting inside your own head. I'm honestly marvelled at my own ability to let go a bit, finally. It'd been so long! When I'm back in Spain, I'll gather everything into my hands and kiss it.
I'm looking for someone to bless a rosary I just bought near the Vatican. It's real damn hard.
A lot of Spaniards in Rome.
Live laugh love

Bittersweetly heading back to Spain and hitting my head against a brick wall. It seems as though I'm beginning to understand myself a lot more. This has been a tremendous change and I've noticed. Am I becoming a functioning member of society, finally? Who knows — regardless, my heart is still in the same places, I think. I think I'm just happy. It's superfluous and futile to attribute certain fixed characteristics to oneself. I believe I've (inadvertedly) eluded mine during this time, and it's thrown me off. Maybe I'm not as [X] a person as I thought I was. We all are a little bit of the alphabet. How could I have failed to realise such a thing?
There's a lot of culture around this. Putting people into boxes. I suggest you be like a cat; get into it, but only to scratch at its rims and crevices.
I my loves.

When a man thinks he has nothing to think about Except Thoughts. • I'm back in Spain and I do Not want to go back to my usual routine. It was a wonderful trip. Now I need to get my shit back together. Anyway... My mind is empty. Reading Steinbeck again good lord ♡ ugh. Full of love and also a bit of nausea. Prime human state. I'll scream a little and then we can all get more attuned. I'm dying for a bit of attention today which is strange since I have nothing to really say. I think I'm just happy/conflicted about being back home and I don't know how to voice it. Well... pretend I wrote some amazing reflection on change and new experiences. I'm gonna go take a nap.

Strange feelings somehow. I'm so glad to be away from all that. I think I'm just drowsy. Somewhat excited for tomorrow, I suppose?

Hay mucha violencia en nuestro mundo. Me siento extraño y no me gusta lo que estoy comenzando a pensar. En fin, buenas nuevas a nuestros aliados.

It's interesting how I tend to lose myself and inadvertedly come in and out of consciousness every now and again. I'm forgetting a friend's name. I give myself over so fully and intrinsically to my passions that it's nearly impossible to discern me from them, conceptually; that can often lead to issues for me, though. What would I be if not constantly searching? I'm plagued by my own nature, just a little bit. I'm tired of scratching and biting at wires in hopes of something more. Perhaps this is really all there is, and we'll all just rot into the ground. That can be comforting as well. I'm derivating a lot into Spinozian thought. Nature is God, God is Nature, the Laws of Nature are the Laws of God. Everything is determined. Somewhere out there, there's the perfect combination of characters and words to narrate your entire life, from beginning to end. To some people that defines a limit, but honestly, I don't know what else to conclude! This is just human life. Pope Francis said he hoped Hell was empty — I think that right now, I hope for it to be full; full of these pseudointellectuals who think they have the right to skip over whatever and whomever. No man should have that much power.
I conclude: I'm becoming increasingly more communist and full of venom. I don't know whether to fear or hope for war. What would fix this? More death? I doubt it, but I wish for it (selectively). These people deserve to get bitten back — Spain is biting back.

God bless the Socialist Party.

^ I don't truly know what this past entry was meant to convey beyond the fact that I feel like I'm running out of time! I'm happy. I jump from topic to topic like always. I have so much to do and so little time, as always. Time time time. The only thing keeping me grounded is the pure inertia of doing nothing. Yet I feel as if I'm achieving it all; very strange and corrosive and moreover surreal. But I'm happy. There's bursts of upset, but in the midst of all there's this love that I haven't felt in a long time. It's been a long, long time. I want to cradle everything I feel and cup it in-between my hands and stare, make out all the little details...
It's all very strange. Behind my eyes, my desire to burn; behind that, an unwavering love, buried during some summer. Is this truly a lorcaesque experience?
I yearn for that Spain, for a Spain that's been dead a long time now. For the España vacía but in a different way. Now, everything's supercharged with a culture that isn't mine. For the red Spain, a Spain grazed by the Sun, a Sun that welcomes and embraces and doesn't burn anyone except for maybe some day in August, and I'll be inside that little flat, and as I stare down the window I will count the divots on the unpolished ground. I want to feel at home again.
I've been thinking a lot and not expressing it at all. <- Weird. I think I want home. I need somewhere to divert all this love and melting affection to. I've been screaming at my boyfriend that I love him every single second of my life. I don't know how he doesn't get tired of me. I don't know how I'm managing to keep this up. I'm so utterly terrible at loving people -- not even in an edgy way, it's just a rare ocurrence -- and I often find that I really just resent the people I get into relationships with for taking up too much of my time.
But I find that I want him to take up too much of my time. I wish he could... I wish I wasn't as busy.

I'm tired and happy and beginning to figure something real about what's truly inside me. I need to keep this to myself, encircle it somehow. Prevent it from getting out. Enjoy it as much as possible, if it lasts at all.

I forget things very often. I'm disheartened by the news. I remember yesterday and I smile. It's truly miraculous how I'm able to smile at such a thing. I should be embarrassed. But I'm happy yet again. I don't know! Perhaps I'm just uninhibited, or the stress has overcome me and now I'm in some transcendental state. I'm full of love as usual but also the unyielding sadness (that I think we all have at the moment). I'm upset. I'm happy. I've forgotten. I don't know if that's a bad thing. The days pass me by. I'm just simply not in the thick of it yet.

It all seems so minuscule now. In the midst of all this love, it's so minuscule now. In the midst of all this suffering, it's so minuscule now.

Brauch Spinoza was right about everything. I'm about to become the 2nd (good) Catholic republican¹ after Federico García Lorca. YET AGAIN BEING HIM ONCE AGAIN. The Lord should strike me down.

I'm reading about the crisis of 1898 because I love my life and my country and my boyfriend and I'm so happy I'm tingling all over... I'm reconnecting with my nerd ass interests again ohhhh hell yeah. The world wants to see me win. The Lord loves me. The chad Krausist vs the beta oligarchist Catholic <- that just popped into my head and I needed to say it. Real ones are radical pantheists though.

¹The permanent Spanish Republican urge of throwing up at the thought of getting associated with the U.Sian Republican Party.

Beginning to get into the thick of it. Once I get a few things out of the way, I'll be able to let everything absorb me as usual!
I'm being surprisingly disciplined. I feel a little out of it, but it's probably just the whirlwind of it all. So many things to do... So many things...
I want to translate again..., I don't have the time, of course I don't. But all this Reinassance talk, I'm itching for it.
Everything's faring fairly well, save for the stress and lack of time. It's okay; it'll be over. I know I'm on the right track. Just a little more. I'm mellowing out, but I'm not sad. I love my boyfriend so much... I love Evek too; I'm sad they're having a hard time. They've been my best friend for so long. Must be eight years or so now. Ahhh, that's crazy.
I have some complicated feelings for the rest. But I love my boyfriend. And I love Evek. And my boyfriend and my best friend, and that's what brings me comfort and joy right now. I love them so much!
That's all for now. Sometimes, it's the simple things. When you're busy, and you have a bit of a headache...

I won't let myself get upset over the natural course of things. If it happens, it was meant to happen. I feel God everywhere. I'm content.

Go go go. Machinery now. I feel behind, but I'm not. It's just hard to think with this little sleep. Reaching my arm out for something... Feels like the prime time to...

My mind is someplace else. I'm just drowsy. God is everywhere... Just fainter when all I'm touching is paper. Love is everywhere. I held a friend's hand today, and he placed his other one over mine, and gripped it until that damned old man stopped talking. I'm so glad he gave in! Otherwise we would've asphyxiated. Anyway, I held his hand today. It made me feel better. That's what Love is, I think. Sounds a bit selfish. But honestly, I just don't love him Enough. You should see me head over heels. I think about my lover(s, whenever there's multiple) to the point of absolute insanity. It comes and goes, but when I'm in a real honeymoon phase, I become a truly unbearable, sugar-coated excuse for a person. I chase and yearn and excitedly exclaim about everything. It's a real transformation, you know.
Then I mellow out. I still Love and Love over the damn sky. My boyfriend should know. I tell that man I love him more often than I say Hello or Thank You to people in a day. It's truly embarrassing. He doesn't mind, just like he doesn't mind my incoherences about 1898 Catalunya. Sometimes I make the mistake of asking inwardly, to myself, how he could love somebody like Me. The truth is, I'm not all that bad.

When you love someone, you tend to idealise... think about Petrarchism, to a degree. I'm quite Petrarchist I'm really not. I'm quite Catholic, and that's my issue. I see God everywhere. I project God onto everything. I project God onto whomever and I divinise and I untangle a little... But then I straighten out.

Nobody really is God, except for God Himself. I need to remember that. God is in everywhere and everyone. He isn't Them. They aren't Him. I don't have a particular need to bow down to anyone (unless I want to) because nobody is above me. Not even if I love them. Not even when I love them with all my heart. I'm still a person! You are too, you know. I feel like we often forget about that in the midst of all this chaos.

I've written for too long!

Things I've noticed: I'm easily irritable. I'm very hungry. Caffeine is not really working.

I'm happy. Spoke with my boyfriend about History... Now I'm tired. A lot of work. I'm anxious but that's just because I took a shit ton of caffeine earlier. It's weird. I'm not awake, but I have the jittery feeling I get with caffeine. All of the bad and none of the good, essentially.

...Lost my train of thought. Whatever; I'm slightly irritated. More like a mix of overwhelmed + poor sleep + caffeinated. Want to read/write/translate more but today I got home at 8pm and just laid in bed doing nothing for a mandatory ~30m before I could bring myself to even text anyone.

Don't know if it's Tuesday or Wednesday. God is everywhere but I'm too drowsy to see Him. I love my boyfriend. He's the only one I could bear to consistently text today. I'm so tired, really... It sucks. I feel like I'm unable to do the things I like. I'm somewhat content still, and during the day I'm my usual self. But at night, I'm so tired... I'm a nightmare to be around past 8.

I'm so glad to be away from all that nowadays. Honestly, I should fully give it all up. Not for now, though. For now, we'll see how it goes.

Uneventful day otherwise. I had some fun. But I really am tired. I really am...

I Love so much. I'm a bit distant. I Love a lot regardless. I Love everyone who comes into my life. I Dream and I Love. Nobody will ever be able to take that away from me. Nobody... I Love like I love God. I'm not devoid of hate like I thought before; hate is a strong word, but I feel strong things. Just like love. Love is a strong word. But a natural word. Just like hate and like fear and like desire. Strong words... Natural words. Just like God.

When all of this is truly done, I will read Spinoza once again. I want to scratch, dig into the walls of life, find God in every corner. Find Nature in every corner. Thus, find Love in every corner.

I Love because... it is natural. Because God is Natural, and Love is Natural. And since God is nature, and God is love, Nature is love. Isn't that so precious? I'm falling asleep as I write this. I love you.

Full of love once again. Life breathed into me once again. Called with boyfriend, did nothing (as a celebration for getting through That... and the oh-so terrible week I'm yet to experience). It's exam season! Whether teacher or student, we all suffer it, don't you think we don't. I'm both at the moment, so you can imagine that I'm bursting at the seams with tasks. I think I'm made of paper and red ink.

Either way, today I took a day off. It felt incredibly nice. I didn't even push myself to do a single good thing. Which in hindsight, perhaps isn't all that good and doesn't necessarily encapsulate what a Rest Day should be. But — I didn't even read or watch an interesting film or play videogames. I truly ceased to exist. Slept, watched absolutely brain-rotting media for what must've been way too many hours. Called my boyfriend, talked about nothing, nothing at all. No enrichment, not a smidge. Not a drop. I'm so content. Regardless of this wholly unproductive, admittedly stupid day — I'm so content. It was not even to Rest; more so to feel the vicious joy of doing Nothing, to just Not Work The Mind, beyond resting it (from specific stressors). It's an Absolute day off from existence. And it was the most satisfying thing I could've done, I'm sure of it.

I'll be having an arduous week (plus whatever is left of this one); but, who cares? I was free today, I'm happy. I love my boyfriend, I love every drop of him. It's astonishing just how endearing he can seem to me by being his usual self. I was so tired all the way through our call, and he was so benevolent with me and entertained my clear and perhaps subconscious tendency towards doing Absolutely Nothing. I got Nothing from today except for yet another fun little exchange with him and a fiery reminder of just how much we love each other — I'd say that's still a pretty big thing!

I prayed to God today; I'll maybe go to church on Sunday, even if just to get my rosaries blessed. I'm happy with this reconnecting I've been having... With everything; God, Nature, Love... <- All the same thing either way!

Oh, goodnight!

Anxious day. Bad day, I think. Not terrible, and I know, but my brain's making it all spiral in its usual ways. I'm just overloaded, and it's hard to think through the fog of it all. I taught more than usual today, then... I forget. I haven't done much, except the usual and a little bit more. Yet I'm anxious. I'm... It's Strange to Write.

I should put my mind to something else. Unbearable inertia at the moment.

Do not ever stop loving. Do not ever stop. It's the last thing they can take from you; your Faith and your Love, which is really all just the same thing. Do not let them take it away! Do not let them take your Hope away! Hope is Faith, Faith is Love. Never stop Hoping, Trusting, Loving, with all your heart. Never stop falling back on it. Never stop. It's not a hindrance. It's what makes you human. By God, never stop; never stop even if it kills you, because to be alive and devoid of any Hope or Faith or Love, whichever name you choose for it, is Equal if not Worse than being dead! Never let anyone take away your Hope..., your Faith for something better, bigger, something Different, something just as Mundane but Shifting. Do not ever let them stop you from pouring every ounce of your Heart out into every person you meet. Do not let yourself die without making it known that you've lived for those that you love...!

And never stop Hating, for it is a necessary critical edge. All in all; never stop Believing. Believing Things, Believing In Things. Build it up. Squeeze your heart with your bare fist. Never stop Feeling, Never Stop. Feeling is Art.

^ Wow I was really feeling it there. Anyway. A lot of inertia. Full of love as always but noticing... Seeing...

Oftentimes you won't be rewarded back for what you give. For how you Love. Oftentimes people won't Love like you do. They won't love as Feverishly, as Wholeheartedly, as Religiously. Their Love won't be as intertwined with whatever Yours is — God, Pleasure, Universality — Whatever reason you love for, oftentimes theirs won't be the same. Oftentimes they won't fully Understand your Love. They might not even know the Extent of your Love. You'll see that and think "I must stop". You'll think "I must step back". Oh, but you musn't.

You don't Love to be Loved back, do you? Surely, it's nice. Surely, you Want it. But it's not the reason you Love, is it? You Love because it's in your Nature. You Love because God is Love. You'll Love for many reasons; people Love for reasons even I don't understand.

You Love, your Love is yours. It's nobody else's. It's nobody's place to dictate When, Where, How, Who you Love. Even if the other person Loves You Back — they won't do it the same way You do. We're all Different. But don't ever be discouraged because of that. Don't ever think your Love is too much. In this terrible, coarse world, no Love is too much. It's always not Enough. Keep, keep, keep Loving. Keep on giving your heart over. Keep on screaming it from the rooftops. Keep on telling anybody and everybody. Keep, keep, keep Shamelessly Loving.