vent journal bc i have no therapist and no access to meds

note if i vent abt you or smth you did i will never speak abt it with your name. i value anonimity, and i believe that no one should be put on blast for friend group drama. that being said, i will not being removing my entries. this is my way of coping and the things i put in here are my frequent thoughts and such. aka they are all things that have bothered me for a long time. i use this to be able to let go of my issues and feel better. i love everyone and everything and a few disgruntlements can never change that heart emoji. for more freakout moment thoughts you can request to follow my private twitter, @meatcubeded, this is only for close friends ok? ok.

(09-28-26) 22:38 > no . 1
note: my boyfriend who i speak about throughout this note is not actually my boyfriend—we are best friends and love eachother dearly. hell, id say were in some sort of situationship leaning qpr. he just likes when i refer to him this way, and it feels awkward calling him my friend repeatedly throughout this.
do you still think about me? do you still think about what you put me through? because i do. i dedicated over 6 years of my life to you; how could i not think of you? 6 years i will never get back. 6 years of history you destroyed with one message. my family still asks about you, they worry for you, they wonder what happened because they never see us together anymore. i think what hurts the most isnt the abandonment, isnt the fact you made our situation public, isnt even the fact you blamed me for my manipulative ex hurting both of us. i think its the fact you never apologize to my boyfriend. you never apologized to the person who truly deserved an apology. and, you only offered an apology because you felt obligated. i hate people who only offer apologies because theyre suffering as a result of their actions. you only told me you were sorry because i was telling our friend how cruel you were to me and my boyfriend and they repeated it back to you. that you realized how bad what you were doing truly was. i cant stand you. i cant stand the idea that you are still telling people about how awful and evil i was when i was 13. when i was actively being groomed every other week. when my manipulative ex tried isolating me. you can be hurt all you want, i dont fault you. you went through something traumatizing. but, i cannot forgive you for ever even trying to say i was a bad person for being in a bad situation. you also?? would get mad over the idea i was talking about you behind your back, but then you did the same? you told my boyfriend about my sex life. something that contributed NOTHING to the conversation. youre allowed to speak about my faults, youre not allowed to talk about something so personal and not even bring it up to me?? my boyfriend told me about this because unlike you he mentions where i fall flat to me and offers me ways i can improve myself. and then, when my boyfriend brought up how weird it was for you to spill my personal business, you blew up?? you never apologized for any of this. you didnt even acknowledge it. you want to be a victim so badly that you will ruin everyone around yous relationships with you in order to be that perfect victim. you expect everyone around you to be so self-conscious and self-degrading that the second you try to make them step down and they dont, you freak out. youre so used to me apologizing for things that dont deserve apologies that you expect to come out of everything as the victim. no, you being called out for spilling my personal business does not make you the victim. you only expanded the idea that you are in no way the victim by then saying that my boyfriend stole me from yoy—your actions are what truly stole me from you. calling my boyfriend a knoght in shining armor for calling you out is also not the best addition. i miss what we had. i will never EVER have that again with anyone, and it hurts. but i cannot, with a good mind, even try contacting you again fir any reason. it hurts enough to hear you be spoken about by our mutual friends.

(10-15-26) 20:03 > no . 2
i hate how people are so caring of what other people are doing in their life. i hate when someone says that if a trans person isn't "passing" then they aren't truly trans. you don't know me. you're definition of passing is based off your experiences. to me i pass. you don't know my family life. you don't know how hard i've tried to be seen as a man even amongst my friends. it hurts a lot to know that to people i am nothing more than just an enigma because i don't present masculine. you're opinion on my gender and my identity does not change what i myself know to be true. i am a man, just because i don't present masculine doesn't mean i don't yearn to be viewed as a man, that it physically hurts hearing myself be deadnamed, misgendered, && degraded. i hate all of you for questioning me. i am trying to get hrt. i am. but none of you would know that because you don't know me. stop acting like you can infer someone's gender by how they present. stop acting like you can infer if someone is faking their transgenderness by simply looking at them through a narrow hole. also transgenderism is a spectrum, i experience mild dysphoria but my dysphoria being limited doesn't mean i don't still feel better living as a man. just because someone doesn't experience dysphoria doesn't mean they're faking. once again, you don't know them. why does it even matter? why does whether or not someone experiences dysphoria take away your support of them? they're still trying to transition. just because they don't hate themselves for not being what they want to be, what they feel they should be in some cases, doesn't make them any less trans. you guys act like it's the end of the world when someone's transsexuality is abnormal when the entire lgbtq+ community is built around being abnormal. being "queer". transphobes don't care whether or not you experience your transgenderness in a so-called "normal" manner, at the end of the day they will tear us down one by one, and infighting will only lead to them having an easier chance to kill us. let people do what they want oh my god i promise it doesn't harm us. the only person someone's identity should affect is that person.