Thanks for the Guild, Kind Stranger!

by Phanpy-anon

We wandered into the mystery dungeon with our new ‘partner’ in tow. He was a new arrival in Capim Town, and quickly became one of the most hated members of the guild. The new guy was desperate to join an exploration team but nobody would partner up with him. I thought that we could use the extra help, so I offered to take him on a job. I quickly came to regret my decision. He had woken up as a Honchkrow, and told everyone he wanted to be called ‘Poe Dameron.’ We called him Honchkrow.

“Oh my Science! It’s a maze in here, just like in the games!” said Honchkrow.

Torchic, who was riding on my back, dug a talon into me. She leaned down and whispered into my ear. “Did we have to take this guy?”

I whispered back. “Look, it’s just a quick mission. We’ll find the Orbs, then book it back to Capim Town. We’re less than a day’s travel away.”

I saw Totodile offer a bottle to Honchkrow. “Want some? I try to bring enough for everyone.” he asked.

Honchkrow shook his head. “Hard liquor reminds me too much of cough syrup. Do you have any craft beer?”

“Fresh out.” said Totodile. As if he bothered to carry anything that wasn’t flammable.

When Honchkrow’s attention was captured by something else, Totodile popped the cork off of the bottle and began chugging.

Honchkrow pointed with a wing to a small blue globe nestled in the grass. “Is that an Orb over there?”

“Looks like it.” said Cyndaquil. He picked up the Orb and inspected it.

Our client was willing to pay us for each Orb we brought back. We had elected to travel to Serenity River, since it was one of the closest dungeons to the guild. The river cut through the middle of the dungeon, and remained relatively stable. We could follow it back to Capim Town without worrying about getting lost.

Cyndaquil stuck the Orb in his backpack. “You know, these Orbs really make me miss the human world.”

“Why?” said Honchkrow.

“Because, none of the Pokemon here have orbs! Nurse Audino looks nice and all, but what’s a man gotta do to see some bustier Pokemon?” said Cyndaquil.

Honchkrow looked offended. “Yikes! That’s kind of problematic.”

“What? Is it so wrong to have male urges? I know you haven’t been here for very long, but trust me, it’s the little things that you’ll miss the most.” said Cyndaquil.

“You shouldn’t be objectifying women, Cyndaquil. Especially not when we have a fair lady in our presence.” Honchkrow tipped his hat towards Torchic.

I wondered if Torchic’s talons were going to draw blood before we got back to Capim Town.

“I don’t see the problem. The Guildmaster threatens me with objectification all the time!” said Cyndaquil.

“Guildmaster Meowstic? He seemed like a gentleman and a scholar when I talked to him.” said Honchkrow.

I rolled my eyes. “The Guildmaster likes to threaten the rowdier members with an Itemizer Orb.”

“Oh. Ar slash woosh on my part!” Honchkrow mimed something flying over his head with a wing.

“Did you really say that out loud?” said Torchic.

Our conversation was interrupted by a wild Masquerain. It fluttered down in front of us, hovering a few inches off of the ground.

“I’ll get this one!” shouted Honchkrow. “A good Wing Attack should take care of them!”

Having announced his plans to the world, Honchkrow barreled towards Masquerain. Once he had closed the gap, Honchkrow swung a wing forward like a boxer. Masquerain easily evaded the attack. It let loose a spray of water that knocked Honchkrow to the ground.

“Do you think Masquerain actually understands English?” said Totodile.

Masquerain didn’t let up on the pressure. It flew over the dazed Honchkrow and shook a bright yellow powder from its wings. I recognized it as the same stun spores that we had encountered in Apple Woods.

“I doubt it. It was pretty obvious what Honchkrow was going to do even if he didn’t announce it. Who runs with one of their wings cocked back like that if they aren’t going for some kind of punch?” said Torchic.

It took Honchkrow a moment to realize what the dust surrounding him was. He called out to us. “Guys? Can I get some help?”

“I thought you said you got this one!” said Cyndaquil.

“Fighting is harder than it lo-” Honchkrow was suddenly silenced by his muscles seizing up.

“Finally. I’m glad something shut him up.” muttered Torchic.

With one enemy temporarily neutralized, Masquerain turned to face the four of us. I positioned myself in front of Cydnaquil and Totodile. I ducked my head down in an attempt to keep my ears out of Torchic’s way. My ears had a tendency to flap in the air as I ran, and Torchic had singed them before trying to spit fireballs at enemies ahead of us.

Torchic held onto my back as Masquerain flew towards us. I could hear her counting down under her breath, waiting for Masquerain to get within range. Torchic tensed and I could feel the heat of a half a dozen fireballs flying past my head.

When it felt safe, I looked up. Torchic had managed at least a few hits, igniting the stun spores that still clung to Masquerain’s wings. Masquerain folded its wings close to itself and dive-bombed into the river. Totodile dove in after it.

Totodile wrapped his arms around it, and began struggling to drag it back towards the riverbed. I ran to the edge of the water.

“Just launch him to me!” I called.

Totodile twirled Masquerain around, so that it was between me and Totodile. Totodile let go of Masquerain and quickly fired a jet of water at the wild Pokemon. Masquerain was too light to resist the knockback of the attack, and went hurtling through the air towards me. I intercepted Masquerain with my trunk.

I slammed Masquerain into the ground. When Masquerain struggled in my grip, I lifted it into the air and slammed it down again. I repeated this process until Masquerain went limp.

“Do you always have to be so brutal?” said Cyndaquil.

While we were fighting, Cyndaquil had covered his nose and mouth with his scarf to avoid breathing in the stun spores. He was in the process of dragging Honchkrow to safety.

“I didn’t get any fancy elemental moves like Torchic and Totodile, so I make do with what I’ve got.” I said.

Totodile prodded at Honchkrow with an empty bottle, waiting for him to recover. “It’s a bit scary how strong Phanpy is.”

“At least he can fight. Unlike some people.” said Torchic.

“Come on! I already agreed to be the pack mule!” said Cyndaquil.

Honchkrow seemed to be stirring. He got up and shook himself, trying to work the kinks out of his limbs. When he felt he could walk straight, he rushed over to me.

Honchkrow looked straight into Torchic’s eyes. “That. Was. Amazing! You were a total girlboss!”

I felt Torchic tense again. I prayed she wouldn’t shoot Honchkrow while he was standing so close to us.

“Thanks…” Torchic faked a laugh. “We should keep going.”

“We all contributed to the fight.” said Totodile.

“But did you see how awesome Torchic was? She can breathe fire!” said Honchkrow.

“Big deal. I can do that, and I don’t even need a war elephant to keep me from falling on my ass.” said Cyndaquil.

“Sweetie, you’re being misogynistic again.” said Honchkrow. “I don’t know how it is here, but in our world, women are underrepresented in many parts of the workforce. It’s our job, as men, to encourage them so we can have a more diverse work environment.”

I intervened, more to save myself from having to listen to the coming lecture than to help Cyndaquil. “We’re getting distracted! We should focus on finishing the mission before more Pokemon attack us!”

Honchkrow stood at attention. “You’re right! It’s dangerous here!” He ran ahead of us, scouring the ground for more Orbs.

Cyndaquil walked next to me and whispered conspiratorially. “Why don’t we just ditch this guy in the mystery dungeon. If we head back while he’s distracted, I bet we can be out before he even realizes we’re gone.”

“That’s psychotic. You saw how well he can handle himself, he’ll probably get killed.” I said.

“So? You threatened me with that!” said Cyndaquil.

“And it was wrong when I did it to you.”

“It worked out in the end for the group, though. Maybe it’ll do some good to put the fear of God into him.”

As if he had a sixth sense for the topic, Honchkrow shouted back to us. “Excuse me, were you talking about God? You know God doesn’t exist right? You should be more careful with what words you use!”

I wondered if Cyndaquil had a point.

After a few hours of searching Serenity River, we managed to fill Cyndaquil’s backpack with Orbs. Honchkrow had tried valiantly to fight every wild Pokemon we came across by himself. He seemed to be getting the hang of it after the fourth or fifth time we had to step in and save him. A part of me was hoping one of them would manage to knock Honchkrow out, but I was surprised by how durable Honchkrow was. I guessed that’s what happens when you’re lucky enough to be reincarnated as an evolved Pokemon.

Escaping the dungeon was as simple as following Serenity River back to Capim Town. On our trip back, Honchkrow wanted to make more small talk.

“I think that went really well!” said Honchkrow. “Maybe I should join your team!”

I tried to be diplomatic. “Are you sure? A group of five seems kind of big. The games only had parties of four.”

“I guess that’s true. Maybe we could split into two groups?” he said. “Me and Torchic could be a team, since we’re both bird Pokemon. If that would be okay with you, M’lady.” Honchkrow tipped his hat towards Torchic.

“I’ll think about it.” said Torchic.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Cyndaquil and Totodile taking turns with a bottle. I would have asked for a turn if I didn’t know Honchkrow would badger me about drinking while carrying Torchic.

“S-Sounds good! What do you like to do for fun? I really like to go to the local barcade to drink beers and game on the arcade machines!” said Honchkrow.

“Well. There aren’t any barcades here and I don’t have arms to use arcade machines. I like to take walks around Capim Town and read, though sometimes my talons rip the pages.” said Torchic.

“Why are you encouraging him?” said Cyndauqil.

“Because I’m such a suave and handsome gentleman.” said Honchkrow. As soon as he finished speaking, a pang of worry flashed across his face. “Slash ess. I was being sarcastic, I wasn’t trying to sound like I had a big ego or anything.”

“Is that all you wanted to talk about?” said Torchic.

Honchkrow weakly chuckled. “I thought it might be good to get to know each other better, since we might be working together.”

“Sorry. I have a hard time meeting new people. I get anxious around them.” said Torchic. I wondered if she was lying or not. She had never seemed nervous around us, even when we first met.

Honchkrow nodded enthusiastically. “This. So much this. I’m the same way.”

Totodile was approaching Honchkrow from behind, a bottle in his hand. He was gripping the bottle by the neck. I hoped Totodile would offer us something to drink. If I had to endure this conversation, I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t remember it tomorrow.

Honchkrow continued the torture. “What kind of shows did you watch when you were a human? I really loved to watch cartoons on Adult Swim.”

“I mostly watched anime.” said Torchic.

Honchkrow’s eyes lit up. “Really? Most of the girls I tried to talk to on Tinder had never even heard of Crunchy Roll! My favorite anime is the dub of-”

Totodile raised the bottle and brought it down on the back of Honchkrow’s head. The bottle shattered, shards of glass scattering across the ground. Honchkrow collapsed into an unconscious heap.

“Thank God.” I said.