White-Tail, USA by anonymous & /bara/hmoma/ writefren

Please stop harassing the locals, Anon

Ywn move to White-Tail, USA
You'll never guess what species forms 94% of the population
Deer chase you on your morning run because they want to lick your sweat and some of them only half jokingly call you "the walking salt-lick"
You have to break up random antler-locking fights unusually frequently and it's not even really the season for it
This only seems to happen around you
Ywn get really under the weather and go to the doctor's
Sure enough you've contracted Lyme's disease, ehrlichiosis, and anaplasmosis all at the same time
The Sound of Music and Bambi play in the local theater on rerun every week
The crossing lights are a suggestion and you've come dangerously close to hitting a bunch of deer about 10 times now (you've been here for 9 days)

Jokingly call a deer's antler's "blowjob handles"
Fully expect to get gored for the comment
Instead get a flustered (but not necessarily offended) rebuttal

Deer bros ask you to rate whose horns are the nicest
Intense arguing breaks out
Eventually turns into an enormous brawl and all hell breaks loose
You haven't said a single word yet

Go to local bar for a drink
Two stags are about to walk over to you when they suddenly lock eyes
Oh man here we go...
CLONK
Two have locked horns and are yelling profanities
"WHAT'D I TELL YOU TWO?! TAKE IT OUTSIDE! NO FIGHTING IN MY BAR"
This is the 8th time the bartender has had to break up a fight (You've been here for an hour and a half)

Do you think human could make bank starting antler cleaning business in that area?
Imagine the velvet shedding season rush

"Wait didn't I just help you with velvet shedding last week?"
Deer, wringing his hands nervously with felt glued to his antlers
"n-no"