To my Dearest、 Cassiel。
Hi, darling! I decided to remake this... Don't worry though! double-suicide is still up with my old entries. I wanted to do something different, and make it neater. So, here we are! I hope you like the new set up...
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1O。 26。 24
I've been thinking about you a lot today. My friends are probably annoyed. I haven't shut up about you all day... They think our relationship is really cute though. That makes me happy! I really love you lots... You're the best thing in my life. I'm really excited for you to get your phone back! My friends want to meet you... I also wanna watch ALNST with you! I listened to the music for it but I'm not watching it. I'm gonna wait for you! I like when you introduce me to your interests.. You should. Like. Make me a list of things you really really like! If you like them they must be amazing and wonderful just like you!!
I don't know what to make this themed after... Maybe Soukoku. Wow! Who would have guessed? Did you know they're literally us? I know you like Kunizai more but Soukoku can be us too right? Guess my favorite BSD ship, level impossible!! Okay I'm getting off topic. I love how you always cheer me up without even trying. Even when you're offline just looking through our old conversations makes me happier when I'm upset... Ueueue. I love you so much. You complete me... The other half of my soul. There aren't enough words to describe this warmth I feel for you...
Adoration, affection, fondness... There's really not a strong enough word to describe my love. I'll cherish you forever... Even if your feelings fade, I believe my heart will always belong to you. I love you, dearest. With all my soul, with my very being.
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1O。 28。 24
Hi again, darling! I did indeed settle on a Soukoku theme. I like the colors! They feel warm and happy. I think, if my love for you was a color, it would be around this color palette I used! Warm and soft... You're so lovely. I love you. Uuuu.. You're so kind to me. I really don't deserve it. I feel like you deserve better than me but. I'm very grateful that you're mine nonetheless..
I'm sorry if I annoyed you this morning.. I don't know if I did but something in my head is telling me I was annoying so. I'm sorry.. It's not like I didn't want you to be online! It was just 3AM your time and you really shouldn't be up that late... I was happy to talk to you nonetheless. But you really need a better sleep schedule. I'll try my best to help you with that.. I can set alarms for myself to remind you to go to sleep at 9-10ish your time.. That would be 12-1 my time, so I'll probably be able to do it! I want to help you..
I love you.. Ue Ue Ue. You're wonderful and nice and kind. You treat me like a person.. That's like. The bare minimum. But I'm over here swooning over the fact that you treat me like I matter. LOL?! It means a lot to me it's kind of pathetic.. But you don't mind right? I love you so much.. You're the best husband ever can we never divorce! I've been listening to a song non stop lately because I wanna be the number one listener on last fm.. It's literally us in the real?! It's my favorite song now.. I don't think I'll ever not like it. Because I can't listen to it without thinking of us so how could I ever get sick of it?
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1O。 29。 24
I don't know why I'm feeling this way, but I'm feeling pretty bad today.. I don't know. I'm sorry. Anyway, when you said you loved me so much it hurts, I understood that a lot. When I'm away from you, it feels like a burning pain in my chest. It hurts a lot, like a piece of myself was torn away from me. It's so dramatic, but it's true. I feel kind of selfish for this I'm sorry. I hope your break is helping.. Don't forget me while you're offline. Ue Ue Ue. For some reason I'm really paranoid about that. It's so unlikely to happen but I'm scared you'll come back and be like "Who the hell are you?" (/ref) or alternatively "Yeah I thought about it during my break and decided that I'm breaking up with you Goodbye." IT'S SO STUPID I'M SORRYYY UUUUUUU...
I was worried last night for another stupid reason too. I was talking to Aya and Lolita about my fear that you wouldn't like me anymore because I don't fw Fyozai. Welcome to KolyaWorld where we worry about every little thing possible! I'm sorry I'm a toxic Soukoku shipper and it pains me to ship Dazai and Chuuya with anyone but each other. The only reason I fw Nikozai and Kunizai is because they're literally us.. I can't hate anything I associate with us. This has been so negative???? What the FLIP! Anyway. Positive stuff. Did you know that I love you? I love love loooove you! You're so wonderful that I alter my toxic SKK liker brain chemistry just to like literally us ships. You are so lucky I love you because I wouldn't do that for any random oomf.
A lot of times I would just agree to date people when they crushed on me for two reasons. One, because I'm a people pleaser and I can't say no. And/Or two, because I wanted the affection I was deprived of all my life. But, you see, I fell first in this relationship, so this is weird. The only other time I was the one crushing was with Idia, but it barely counts because it was more of a.. "Squish" I guess? Like, I felt that way for a little, but then my feelings faded, but I still ended up stuck because I feel guilty whenever I have to reject people. But with you, it's different. I don't feel trapped in this relationship at all. Honestly, I'm more scared that you're the one feeling trapped. Please tell me if you do. You're Nikolai Gogol and all. I don't want to be standing between you and your freedom. The thought of that makes me sad. I don't want to be a cage for you, dearest. So, if you do feel trapped, please just tell me. I really don't mind. I value you over me, so you always come first.
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11。 O5。 24
I'm sorry I haven't written here in a while.. I should write here daily. I might start trying to. I've been writing about you in private, though. All good things. Well, all good things about you. Me.. I can't say the same about. My self esteem has plummeted recently. I don't know why. But you always end up helping, even without trying. How are you so wonderful? Why are you so wonderful, especially to someone like me? Notice how I didn't say something this time. You telling me I'm someone, not something made me cry. It was kind of silly of me. You give me too much credit, I think. I'm not that great.. I really do think you deserve better than me. But at the same time I'm insanely selfish and I want you all to myself. It's so contradictory.
I'm not good at this love thing. Maybe because nobody has ever made me feel this genuinely loved before. But it's weird and strange. You make me feel all warm and bubbly inside and it's unsettling. I'm not used to it. When I was going to kill myself, or at least disappear from the internet, I felt guilty. I cried a lot writing my note. I think I would have chickened out either way if you reached out to me or not. I just can't leave you like that. I'm terribly selfish. I was only thinking about myself when planning it, but when I thought about how it could affect you, I couldn't go through with it anymore. Thank you for giving me a reason to live. I think I deserve all bad things, I think I deserve death, but you always assure me otherwise. Why, I'm still not sure. But I'm grateful anyways. I love you so much, with all my being, with my whole heart and soul.
You truly are an angel to me. I love you more than I could ever fully express in words. Thank you so much for teaching me how to love, and teaching me what proper, genuine love feels like.
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11。 25。 24
Hello again, dearest! It's been exactly twenty days since I last wrote in here. Coincidentally, in that entry, I promised to write daily. I'm sorry. Another revamp, and it's nothing like the last. This fic really had an effect on me, didn't it? I adore the concept. Anyway, if you don't like the ghostly, dark look, you can invert it, and it looks warmer. I found that about the art very intrguing. Two different perspectives.. It fit the fic very well. But you're not here for my silly rambles, are you? Well, you are, but not about this. You came here for you! So, you you shall receive. I adore talking to and about you anyways. Six months yesterday... I'm so happy you're mine, and I'm yours. I'm already excited for our one year, then two year and so on. And you mentioned a wedding anniversary in the future too! That made me happy. It makes me feel so content at the thought of settling down with you. Away from all our struggles, maybe together we'll finally be able to find peace for both of us. I hope you feel as happy with me as I do with you.
I want to make you promise me a lot of things, but it would make me sound deranged and borderline obsessive. So, I think I'll keep my mouth shut. I get paranoid easily, I think you can tell by now. I'm whiny and childish whenever you're offline, constantly complaining about missing you. It gets lonely without you. No amount of my friends could fill the void you do. No matter how much fun I have, I know it would be 100x better with you there. Then I get sucked back into my loneliness. I get lonely when I have to go to sleep too, you know. That's why I try to refuse and stay up as late as I can. I hate being away from you. It makes me feel empty and cold. I don't like it, it makes me feel sad. That's why I try to stay up when I can. I don't mean to seem like I'm refusing to sleep on purpose, I just really hate being alone. Because once I fall asleep, I'm gonna be alone until you get online again, around 10-11AM my time, usually, sometimes even later. My friends are online then, yes, but it's not the same without you.
I've been feeling extra lonely recently, as we haven't been talking much, especially in private, but I don't reach out for fear of annoying you. It's silly, really. I pity myself for feeling so isolated, when I'm the one cursing myself with this isolation. I'll try my best to start reaching out more, darling. And I'll write in here more as well, I promise. I keep forgetting to make entries.. I'm really sorry for that. I'll do better, okay? I'll make it a habit to write something during my breakfast break after English.
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11。 26。 24
As promised, here I am again! I'm feeling happier today. I got really excited when you talked to me last night, I was smiling so stupidly at my phone. I like hearing you talk about your interests, it makes me happy to see you happy. I started reading that manhwa you recommended! It's good so far.. I love the art style, it's soo cute.. I'm excited to continue! Then after, I'll read Witch Hat Atelier. Then after that, you can give me more recommendations! I've found that I enjoy everything that you suggest for me.. You have really good taste!
I'm kind of lonely again now, though. Even my friends haven't been helping, so I've just been reading the manhwa and waiting for you to come back online. I don't know.. I've been very easily irritated today, but I think I'll feel better when you come online. You have that effect on me. Okay I'm back again after you got online and we talked. Major mood booster!! Yay!! I love you so much, you always tend to make me feel better without even trying. I love youuu.. Ue Ue Ue Ue.
You make me really happy. I know I mentioned that a lot but it's true. I love when you talk to me and tell me about your interests and everything. And you're gonna watch Heathers for me! I'm so happy. That made me happy. I love you. Did you know? I love you sooo much. I adore talking to you and just basking in your presence. SIGHHHH. This was gonna be edgy at first I think but now I'm just happy and content. Curse you for making me happy and joyful!! I'm supposed to be angsty!!
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11。 27。 24
Hi, dearest! I slept in today, so I missed my English class.. I'm still writing here, though, even though I'm late... I got distracted with all the rentry and soukoku stuff. It was upsetting, but you came online right as I was spiraling, so I'm alright now. I love you tons... Mwah Mwah Mwah!
I don't think I can write much here today.. I'm sorry. I'll write in my physical journal, though. You'll be able to read it in 6 more months! Can you wait that long, dear?
It won't be very different from here.. Just a bit more.. Poetic, I suppose? I can't express my true feelings without either joking about it, or being so fancy in my wording it might sound like a pathetic poem in the form of a paragraph.
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12。 05。 24
Hi dear! I just read your entry in LDR. It's Thursday already? This week has been weird for me too... I think I'm alright, though. I feel a bit better telling you about the thing I was upset about, even if locked behind a password. I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out though, right, dearest? You're much smarter than me, so I think you'll do fine.
I hope your finger gets better soon... My head is okay, I think... It's getting better, at least. The bump is less swollen, and the scar is barely there. It makes me oddly happy how much concern you show for me, even when it's the result of me being stupid. I love you so much...
I haven't... I'll get some, and you should too, okay? I can't have my lovely boyfriend dying from dehydration... I'll remind you every day, if you'd like. I don't want to seem annoying, though.
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12。 12。 24
Hi... I don't know why I didn't think to check LDR first. I was too busy panicking, I suppose. I've calmed down though, I think...
You know I'll wait for you. I'll wait however long it takes, okay? I hope I didn't upset you, I tried my best to phrase it nicely... I'm not mad or anything, I just wanted to let you know how I feel.
I still love you too. I'll always love you. I really hope we get this sorted out.
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word count : 2,394
character count : 12,490
love count : 27