A Dame's Great Scoop

Ladies and gentlemen, do I have the scoop for you! Your favorite dame has peepers all over the Mushroom Kingdom, and lemme tell ya fellas - they’ve snagged me my big break! It was quite the doozy finding this misanthropic meanie - the demonic plumber himself - but by the time you’re done guzzling down on this mouth-watering story you’ll be begging for seconds! Without further ado, I present to you an interview with the one, the only, Mario.exe!

Kylie Koopa: So tell me fella, how are you and your big batch of baddies doing ever since you got your heinie handed to you by the whisker boys? Ol’ Kylie’s first impression of this “lair” of yours ain’t making my noggin jogging if you get what this dame’s saying.

Mario.exe: Yes, yes, I see what you mean. I and henchmen are not good. We trying to get back on feet after two brothers, but is not going well.

[I’ll tell you readers an industry secret: we reporters occasionally have to make up stuff on the fly. This fiend’s lack of vernacular skills really scared the heebie-jeebies out of your favorite dame!]

KK: I-I hear you loud and clear! Now me and all my gracious readers at the Koopa Kronicle are just dying to know, any big plans you and your comrades are cooking up?

M: Normal! We try to terrorize others always, sometimes Mushroom Kingdom, sometimes the whole world, no preference sometimes!

KK: Interesting, and who exactly does this “we” consist of?

M: Me and minions of course! Sure, they are all undead and walking around a lot but hey had my back when others do not!

KK: Seems to me that you’ve got your own naughty list that you’re checking twice. Mind naming who’s getting coal this season?

M: Many people come to mind, but this is the one that resonates with me. Why it is called Luigi.exe! Makes my blood boil! If I could touch it, it would be longer than the beak of the brain. Who knows, maybe there won’t be heaven in the end.

KK: Very, uh, comprehensible description, you got there fella. Mind explaining what he’s done that makes you so tied up in knots?

M: Betrayed me and my army! He tried to control my aim! Since I have not seen him since that betrayal, he died likely in some cave that I cannot understand. Dead or alive, his body must be placed before my cage like Christmas light.

[Out of the frying pan into the fire, the more he kept yammering on about this “Luigi.exe” fella the more nervous I felt for not having written my will yet.]

KK: Let’s-uh, switch topics for a bit. You mentioned having big plans, any specific ones you’re willing to give as a freebie to our Koopa Kronicle clientele?

[Talk about having iron lungs, Dimitri burst out laughing for a solid couple of minutes when I asked him that!]

M: Yes, yes, I give hope your audience knows. There is ancient object recently discovered by comrades that can bring her back to troubled world. I can't say for sure when, but you'll know when seen!

KK: Very well then. Well that’s all the time this gal has for the day. Do you have any final words Mario.exe?

M: Yes. Welcome before the world ends!

Well fellas, when I told you that this dame would deliver the biggest scoop ever scooped I wasn’t telling no fiddle! In what other publication are you gonna get a story about Satanic Vladmir’s plans for world domination with his big bad bunch of undead goons? The answer won’t shock you: only this one featuring the most glamorous reporter in all of the Mushroom Kingdom! Hope you’re still subscribed by the time the next issue of Koopa Kronicle rolls around when I’ll be having a fireside chat with a little mean bean still hellbent on vengeance!