You make me all the things I'm not
by ZoneTheory twt | dsc | fics
Chapter 1: Precaution
The pair walked side by side, bouncing off each other as they cracked jokes and made the other laugh. IRyS enjoyed their moments like this, where they could just go back and forth with each other, not worrying about anything. It helped put the conversation they had last night out of her mind.
She looked down at the girl beside her. She moved her eyes along her long flowing mane of bright cherry red hair, she liked the cute rat ears that poked out the top of her head. Down towards the black scarf she had curled around her neck, and further still to the large winter jacket she had entombed herself in. It seemed silly to IRyS to overdress this much, but she supposed that the aussie rat wasn’t used to winter like she was. She was only wearing a light windbreaker herself and it seemed to suffice just fine. She continued to follow the seemingly unending river of hair before realising where her eyes were taking her, she snapped back to reality, heat coming to her cheeks.
“Earth to IRyS, come in IRyS” A hand passed in front of her face.
“Huh, what?”
“You kinda spaced out there.”
“Oh, sorry.” IRyS smirked, “I was just trying to figure out how the gods managed to fit so much stupid into such a small rat.”
“HEY! And here I thought you were ogling me. Jeez, when did my wife get to be so mean.” She responded loudly.
IRyS looked around, suddenly very cognisant of the people around them on the street. She made eye contact with a man nearby and hid her face in embarrassment, flashing back to her conversation with Bae the night before.
Bae: hey is it alright if i call you
Bae: i want to have a serious talk
IRyS: yeah sure bae, everything alright?
Bae: yeah everything is ok, gimme a sec to finish makin my coffee
IRyS was concerned, Bae had never asked to have a serious talk before, she wasn’t sure how serious ‘serious’ was. Did Bae want to cancel on them hanging out in person tomorrow? This would be the first time the two had ever met in person. She was super excited that Bae and the rest of Council had come to Japan and was looking forward to spending time with them, especially Bae. Maybe it was more serious than that, maybe someone had gotten hurt, maybe Bae had gotten hurt. She stood from her chair and started pacing back and forth in front of her desk, eyes on the monitor waiting for the call to pop up.
After a few moments she saw her screen light up with an incoming call. She jumped back into her seat, throwing her headphones back on her head and swinging her mic arm in front of her before quickly answering the call.
“HiRyS!” The rat greeted her.
“Haha, HiRyS Bae.” Still joking around, good.
“How are you doing, everything good?” Bae asked her.
“Um, yeah, yeah, everything is good, is everything good with you? You said you wanted to have a serious chat, you’ve got me kinda nervous Bae.”
“Oh, um, sorry about that, yeah everything is good, it’s just, somethings been on my mind and I don’t think it’s healthy to let it fester. Is it okay if I ask you a kinda awkward personal question IRyS?” Bae said nervously.
“Of course Bae, you can ask me anything!” IRyS responded sweetly.
Bae took a deep breathe before responding, “IRyS… are you gay?”
Anything but that, she could ask anything but that.
“Huh? Wha?” IRyS was shocked by the question. Of course she wasn’t. She knew Bae was, she had never tried to hide it in their conversations, but her? No way. She had dated guys before, and although the relationships didn’t work out, she knew she had genuinely liked them.
The rat's voice was shaking a bit as she explained, “it’s um, just that, I wanted to make sure, I just don’t want to get hurt again by something like this y’know? Trying not to catch feelings. It’s hard to tell with the whole ‘wife’ thing we do on stream…”
IRyS wanted to reach through the screen and pull her into a big hug, she hated to hear her down-trodden like this.
“Oh Bae, I’m sorry, I really like you, but I’m not… I’m straight. I’m sorry if the wife jokes gave you the wrong impression.”
“No, no, no, it’s fine, really. It’s better to get this over with now, avoid something messier down the road.”
IRyS smiles, Bae is really sweet. “Aww Bae, I’m really flattered you’re down this bad for me.” She teased, trying to lighten the mood.
“Oi, don’t get too full of yourself. For the record, this is precautionary, and now that I’ve made sure of it I am definitely NOT interested. There’s something about a woman being straight that makes her way less attractive, you know taking another look at you… yeah not feeling anything, sorry IRyS.
This rat was good.
“Really?” She pouted, “Come on Bae there’s no way I’m that ugly, right?”
She needed to deflect this, and win the battle.
“Hmm, okay maybe you aren’t that bad, but obviously not for me.”
A tie. That would do.
“For real though, I’m proud of you for asking me this, it must’ve taken a lot of courage. Did you want to stop doing the wife thing on stream?” IRyS asked, she hoped they could keep it up, while obviously not serious, it was always really fun and she liked using it as a reason to spend more time with Bae.
“No, it’s fine we can continue, that was never the issue, right? It’s just that I’m infected with the big gay.” Bae said dramatically. “I don’t want it to affect my friendships or the way I stream, ya know?”
“Yeah, of course. We still good for tomorrow?”
“Hells yeah we are!”
She started walking faster, the rat noticed her change of pace and had to quickly jog to catch up before slowing back down to match her pace. “IRyS, what’s the matter?” The nephilim kept her head down as she pushed a bit further forward, wanting to be away from the area they were just in, away from the people who heard what Bae had said.
“Bae," her eyes affixed to the ground, unable to make eye contact. "Could we keep the wife thing online, just streams and twitter and stuff?” She said awkwardly.
“Oh, um yeah sure… sorry, I didn’t know it made you uncomfortable.” Bae responded nervously. Now it was Bae looking down at her feet, shuffling in place.
“It’s okay, um, I think we are near the coffee shop, it’s just another block away.” IRyS said, trying to pivot the conversation and save the mood between them.
“Y- yeah.”
IRyS was silently cursing herself, she had handled that so poorly. She knows she shouldn’t react like that, especially because it wasn’t an issue on stream, where she would be the one instigating it half the time. Maybe it was because she knew that the audience understood that it was an act, to some extent. In public though, it was different. The implications about her, she didn’t want to be seen that way, she didn’t want people thinking she was like that.
First she turned her down last night, and now she was trying to build walls between them. She would have to find some way to make it up to Bae, bring her spirits back up.
“Hey Bae. I have an idea...”
Chapter 2: Stumble
IRyS leaned forward to sip the bubbles on the edge of her freshly cracked open soda. She looked around at the 5 other ladies surrounding her, all bathed in the magenta of the booths overhead light. She nodded along to the loud music of the bar, not paying too much attention to the conversations happening around her, until a certain owl started shaking her shoulder.
“IRrrrrYYss, drink with us!” She whined.
“I am drinking.” She held up the soda.
“That’s not what I meant. Kronii, tell her that’s not what I meant.”
“I’m pretty sure you can manage telling her that on your own.” The blue haired girl responded.
“Tell her what?”
IRyS took another sip from her drink and turned towards Bae and Fauna who were having a separate discussion. They were talking about off-collab plans now council were all in Japan. She smiled thinking about the stream she had planned with Bae in 2 days time.
Sana leaned over to join in on the conversation, completely ignoring whatever was being talked about, “so anyway, you guys gotta tell us, are you two… ya know?” She asked with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes as she glanced between Bae and IRyS.
“Umm, uhh, n- n- n- ” IRyS stammered.
“NO! She rejected me.” Bae loudly proclaimed.
Drunk Bae really was willing to lay out all her cards, huh? Sana and Fauna both leaned in, ready to ingest all of the gossip they could.
“That’s… not exactly what happened.” IRyS replied.
Bae took a large drink from the glass in front of her, finishing it off. Even though it wouldn’t have the same effect, IRyS liked this idea and took a big drink from her soda as well.
“Wow, IRyS is a heartbreaker, although I suppose this isn’t your first divorce.” Fauna said smiling.
“It’s not that serious, really guys, it’s just I’m not… looking for that kind of relationship.” IRyS explained.
“Oh, OH. Are you not? I just assumed Hololive only hired lesbians.” Kronii stated, joining in on the conversation.
Everyone at the table turned to look at her. After a few moments her face turned a bright red.
“GWAK. I mean, uh, tee hee. What were we talking about? I don’t even know, haha.” Kronii said in a panic.
“Mmm, you’re so cute Kronii~” Mumei said as she reached over the table and poked the flustered girl on the nose.
Kronii looked like her head was about to pop clean off from the embarrassment.
“Well that partially answers my next question,” Sana said, turning her attention towards Mumei.
“Oh me? Hehe~, I don’t know what you are talking about~” Mumei smiled innocently.
“Come on now Sana, “ The green headed girl said sweetly, grabbing the taller girl’s arm, “Stop trying to play matchmaker for a bit.” She looked at the rest of the table,” I’m going to grab us another round of drinks, just another cola IRyS?”
IRyS quickly threw back her head and downed the rest of her can, ignoring the burn in her throat from drinking it so fast. “Ah, yes please.”
Fauna got up and the conversation moved away from her to focus more on teasing Kronii and Mumei, she would be lying if she said she wasn’t jealous of the pair, like a lock and a key they seemed to fit so well together. She wished she could have that with someone. She felt the rat girl lean into her as she swayed back and forth, humming to herself. IRyS felt heat rising to her cheeks.
Okay, not exactly like that, she said to herself internally. She tried thinking of other things to make the redness leave her face. Stream ideas… stream ideas… song lyrics… only in hope lies salvation… da da da…
Wham!
Man, that hand that just swung into her face really hurt. Wonder what the source of that was.
Bae had thrown all of her limbs outwards and leaned onto IRyS, inadvertently sending the back of her hand on a crash course into the nephilims face. She either didn’t care or didn’t notice that she did this, as she continued to lean into the other girl and slide all the way down until she was laying on her lap, with her legs sticking out the side of the booth seat.
“Um, ow?” IRyS said, looking down at the girl laying on her.
“I want to dance!” The girl said, looking up into her eyes.
“What?”
“I said,” she sat up, “I want to dance.”
“Oh, I don’t really dance.” IRyS muttered.
“IRyS, Project Hope, Hololive English VSinger Idol, doesn’t dance?”
“I can dance!” She quipped back, “Choreographed dancing is different…”
“Excuses, IRyS, excuses,” the rat girl had stood up and was tugging at her hand, pulling her up too. Guess she didn’t really get a say in this arrangement. She supposed she should just go along with what her red haired friend wanted. This whole get together was a silent apology for how she acted that afternoon, right?
“Have fun you two!” Sana said with a mischievous smile and a small wave.
IRyS wanted to glare back, but she was already being hauled away towards the dance floor.
She wouldn’t easily admit it, but she did. While dancing in a non-stage setting wasn’t really her style, her partner's enthusiasm for it was so endearing that she couldn’t help but have fun.
The pair of them both tried their best to dance to the different songs that played, Bae was a natural party dancer, but was severely hindered by her present blood-alcohol content. While IRyS, despite being completely sober, was at a loss for how one was supposed to dance when you didn’t have a set of moves memorised and rehearsed.
The two moved to a chaotic rhythm, bumping into each other and grabbing onto the other to steady themselves. Every time this would happen IRyS could feel her heart flutter in her chest, annoying thing.
She didn’t notice at first, but after a few too many lucky grabs she realised that the cheeky rat was intentionally slipping and stumbling as an excuse to get her hands busy. This girl was a menace when she was drinking. She ought to let her know that she figured out her little plan.
She reached out to grab the other girl, who was presently attempting some kind of spinning dance move. IRyS tried to make the girl come to a stop, but had neglected the momentum conservation principle in her calculations. IRyS was pulled into the tornado she had latched onto and it sent them both sprawling onto the floor.
IRyS ended up in an unfortunate position over top of Bae, their faces barely centimetres apart. Typical. She saw Bae’s cheeks turned a bright red over their current situation. IRyS was about to start moving to get off of the poor girl trapped beneath her, and for just a moment their eyes locked. It felt like an eternity as they laid there, looking into each other. Something about the look in Bae’s eyes froze her. Her chat would surely bully her if they saw her heart rate now. At that moment it was like there was no one else in the room to notice them.
It happened so suddenly and so fast, the girl beneath her leaned up and closed the distance between them. Their lips barely touched for more than a few before Bae pulled away in a panic, scrambling out from under the other girl, hurriedly standing up. IRyS pulled herself up too, dazed and confused about what just happened, too stunned to speak or process what had just happened.
“S- sorry.” Bae muttered before running away.
IRyS looked towards the table the rest of her friends were at to see if they had noticed what just happened. They were talking amongst themselves, guess they didn’t see. She turned back to where Bae had just been, she caught sight of her hair through the crowd headed towards the exit. She started trying to weave her way through the swarm of shifting bodies to follow, but she wasn’t as nimble as the smaller girl.
She finally made it out the door and looked around for where the other had gone. She spotted 2 familiar ears in the back seat of a taxi a short way up the road.
“Bae!” She called out, but to no avail, the cab was too far away and the doors already closed. She was about to start running to her when the cab began to pull away and drive down the road.
And she was gone. IRyS placed two of her fingers to her lips gently, remembering the sensation of what just happened. This was all too much to process right now. She headed back inside, making her way back to their table, where she knew her soda and friends would be.
No. Soda wasn’t going to cut it right now, she needed something a bit stronger, so she changed directions and headed towards the bar.
Chapter 3: Liar
“Fuck me.” IRyS put her hand against her forehead. Her brain felt like it was about to burst out of her skull. At that moment she swore she would never drink again, a plan that would go out the window as soon as she remembered the stream she had planned for tomorrow.
She stumbled her way to her kitchen, grabbing a pitcher of water from the fridge and a can of soda. She opened the top cabinet where she kept the headache medication. She poured herself a glass of water and quickly chucked back the pills. She picked up the soda and retreated back towards her room. After setting the can on her desk, she sat down in her chair and looked at herself in the black reflective surface of her computer’s monitor.
She looked like shit.
With a deep sigh she stood back up and headed toward the bathroom to freshen up. She got a better look at herself in the mirror, the day-old makeup reminded her of the night before. The memories started flooding back. The bar. Dancing. Bae. Bae. Bae.
Oh gods, Bae. IRyS didn’t even know where to begin emotionally unpacking what happened. Her cheeks started to flood with colour as she replayed the events over in her mind. She hated how she felt, she wasn’t supposed to feel what she was feeling. In fact, she didn’t feel what she was feeling. That strategy had worked well up until this point, why stop bottling up your emotions now? That sounds like something a reasonable adult would do.
She realised she was arguing with herself.
“One thing at a time.”
She turned on the shower to a scalding temperature and stripped down. She hoped the heat might distract her. She gently stepped into the stream, letting the burning water wash over her.
What was she going to do? She stood there for a while, getting used to the oppressive heat, letting the emotions roll through her as her tears were washed away as quickly as they appeared. She was ashamed, not even entirely sure why. Her best friend had kissed her, and it caused her to react like this.
She was being selfish and she knew it, she thought as she stepped out from the shower. What about Bae? She had run off after it happened. Did she make it back to her hotel all right? How was she feeling now?
It hurt her to know how things had to be. Her best friend had fallen for her, but she just couldn’t feel the same.
Liar.
Shut up.
It didn’t matter how she felt. She had to check on Bae, that was more important right now, she was the one who had gotten hurt from this.
After drying herself off and getting dressed, she spent some time making herself presentable before going to look for her phone. A quick scan of her room located it on her bedside table. She flicked the screen on and quickly scanned through the notifications. Nothing from Bae.
She unlocked the phone and opened discord. Bae was online. Okay, good, she had made it back alright at least.
She opened twitter and quickly scrolled through all the latest tweets until she saw one from Bae. Today’s stream was cancelled. She sighed deeply to herself, this wasn’t just going to go away on it’s own. She opened discord back up and navigated to her DM’s. She needed to fix things with Bae. She sent a message.
IRyS: hey bae i think we should talk… meet at the same coffee shop?
It felt like an eternity before she got a response.
…
…
…
Bae is typing…
Bae: sure
Bae: ill start making my way there now if thats ok with you?
IRyS: sure thing, see you soon
IRyS smiled sadly, time to break her heart.
IRyS sat down at the small table, placing the bottle of soda in front of her and the coffee in the empty spot opposite her. She had been the first to arrive so she ordered for the both of them. She spent some time scrolling through twitter on her phone, looking at tweets she had already seen before scrolling back to the top to repeat the process. Waiting really was the worst part.
She perked up when heard the shop's bell ring as the door swung open. There she was, bundled up like there was about to be a hurricane. She waved shyly to the girl who had just entered. Why was she feeling shy? Weird. They gave each other a small smile, before the smaller one made her way over, noticing that there was already a coffee waiting for her.
“Hey.”
“Hey, thanks for getting the coffee for me.”
“Oh, it’s no problem.”
They sat there in silence for a moment.
“So…” They both started speaking at the same time.
“You go first, you go first.” Bae said.
“No, no, no, that’s okay you can go ahead.” IRyS gestured back at her.
Bae sighed. “You’re really making me go first? You are cruel, woman.”
“Am not.” She huffed, crossing her arms.
“Okay…” the girl was visibly shaking in her chair, her legs bouncing on the ground out of nervousness. “Okay, okay… you got this, Bae. I’m sorry for what I did last night, kissing you like that, it's just, I just… I don’t know.”
“Bae, it’s alright, really, I forgive you.”
‘I just hate that I feel like this… about you. You’re my friend, just my friend. But my stupid head wants it to be more.” She was about to burst into tears, barely holding it back.
IRyS reached over the table and gently touched the other girl's hand.
“Bae, you shouldn’t be ashamed of how you feel, you can’t help it, right?” She said with sincerity to the other girl, but it felt hollow to herself.
Hypocrite.
Shut up.
“I don’t want to lose you, IRyS.”
Like a dagger to her heart.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’ve ruined our friendship.”
“Listen to me,” she said, taking the other girl's hand into her own. “I don’t care if you like me, I don’t care if you love me. I don’t care if I can’t feel the same way. Bae, you are my best friend, I’ll be there for you, always.”
“IRyS, I… Thank you. I guess I’ll try and bury these feelings then.” She smiled weakly.
Me too.
“Nothing changes between us, although… maybe for the drinking portion of the stream tomorrow, let me handle the drinking?” IRyS postulated.
“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea, huh.”
“We should probably finish planning out what we are going to do for the stream, 8 hours is a lot of time to fill.”
“Right! Okay, so I was thinking…”
Chapter 4: Stream Sparks
How could a hotel this fancy not have a working elevator? Insanity. IRyS dropped her duffel bag of supplies on the floor outside the door. She had decided not to wear her streaming outfit here to avoid the odd looks on the train ride over.
She timidly knocked on the hotel door and waited patiently, gently swinging the box of coolers she had brought back and forth. No response. She pulled out her phone to check the time, 3pm, she was on time. She knocked again, louder this time.
“Bae?” She called out through the door.
“Oh fuck!” She heard a certain someone yell from behind the door, accompanied by the sound of something clattering to the floor, which was then followed by the sound of someone falling to the floor. “Shit, just a second!” Came the pained call.
IRyS laughed at the sounds. “You alright Bae? Need me to break down this door and rescue you?”
“Noooo,” she groaned back loudly from the otherside of the closed door. “I’m fine, just… gimme a minute.”
After a brief period IRyS heard the click of the doors lock and the door swung open. She was met by Bae who was wearing nothing but a towel around her body, her hair was still completely soaked and was actively dripping water onto the floor.
“Um,” IRyS took in the sight in front of her. Subconsciously moving her eyes up and down to fully absorb what she was seeing in front of herself. The towel moved down a little as the girl shuffled in place. Fuck, nope. She was really bad at keeping her brain in check.
Bae’s face flushed at the attention she was receiving. “Sorry, I was in the shower. I guess I got mixed up about the time, thought you weren’t supposed to be here for another hour.”
She picked up her bag and swung it around her shoulder, stepping into the hotel and closing the door behind her. “Oh, uh, yeah it’s all good. I brought some extra drinks,” she said, holding up the case.
“More for you then. I’m gonna go dry off and get dressed, don’t wanna have to set up a wet floor sign in here.”
Bae turned and walked back towards the bathroom and shut the door. IRyS looked around the room and took in the surroundings, it was quite the impressive suite with a large window that overlooked the Tokyo skyline. In front of which a desk and PC had been set up, Bae and the other council girls had basically migrated their entire workspaces to Japan with them as they were all planning on staying for quite awhile.
IRyS made her way over to the desk and sat the box and her bag down beside it. She analysed the arrangement and noticed a critical flaw. There was only one chair at the desk. She looked around the room for an extra chair, there was a couch facing a large flat screen mounted to the wall on the other side of the room, that’s out of the question. There was a small kitchenette and dining space with a single small table and 2 of those really tall stools, they wouldn’t work at all, she wouldn’t even be able to reach the desk as she would be so high up. Although, she found the thought of her towering over Bae during the stream quite hilarious.
She turned around as she heard the bathroom door swing open, Bae was wearing her usual short top and skirt.
“Bae…”
“What? Something the matter?”
“Oh it’s nothing really, it’s just that… where am I going to sit?”
Bae looked around, couch… stools… she pointed at the stools. “Uh, why not those?”
“Bae. My sweet Bae.” She walked over and grabbed one of the stools and placed it at the desk. She then sat on the stool and held her hands down towards the keyboard making exaggerated straining motions and pained noises. Despite her theatrical effort, she couldn’t reach.
Bae laughed at the scene. “Okay, yeah I get it. Why don’t you get changed and I’ll figure something out?”
IRyS finished straightening out her skirt and styling her hair. She stepped out from the washroom, pondering what solution Bae had come up with for the seating situation.
She wasn’t sure what she expected but it wasn’t this, the coach was slid halfway across the room towards the desk, accompanied by a small rat breathing heavily as she threw her body weight into the side of it, very slowly pushing it towards its destination, leaving scratch marks in the wooden flooring as it slid.
“Oh my gods Bae, what the hell are you doing?”
“I’m…” “...moving…” “...couch…” She managed to say between heavy breaths.
What was she going to do with her?
IRyS walked over to the other side of the couch, and lifted it off the ground. “Let’s do it this way.”
Bae complied and lifted her end as well, together they shuffled the couch over in front of the computer, IRyS kicked the desk chair out of the way, sending it rolling across the room.
“You know they’re gonna charge you for what you did to the floor, right?”
“Bah, whatever.”
IRyS rolled her eyes at the destructive force in front of her. She thought about how difficult it would be to live with her, she would have to do all the chores, wash the dishes, and make their bed in the morning just to ensure that it was done properly and nothing ended up broken.
Their bed.
She felt heat rising to her face again, something that had been happening quite often recently, and also something she was becoming increasingly annoyed about.
“Uh, alright. Cute idol outfit,” IRyS said as she looked down at her clothes, “check. Drinks, check. Dumb rat, check…”
“HEY!”
“I think that’s everything we need to do before going live, am I forgetting anything?”
“Probably, but who cares? Let’s go!!!”
“HiRyS! It’s IRyS!”
“WAZZZZZZZZZZZZUP Rat Pack!”
The stream was started.
“Guys! IRyS is here! Wifey is here! In person! Look, I can hit her and she’ll react!”
“Ow. We can sign the divorce papers in person too.”
The two spent the start of the stream just chatting and bantering with each other, getting used to the feeling of streaming together like this.
They decided not to start with the drinking games right away and instead just play some regular games. IRyS brought her switch along, accompanied by her own copy of Ring Fit Adventure, the pair decided to make it a competition to see who could make it the furthest in the game in a set period of time.
The two of them, despite not being the most active of idols, gave it their all, not willing to let the other win easily. IRyS was very committed to making sure she kept her eyes forward towards the screen as much as she could, ignoring her bouncy, sweaty opponent. However, her opponent was not as disciplined, she saw the other girl sneaking glances at her. She didn’t mind the attention, she felt like her physique serving as a distraction was part of the challenge.
Despite her self-proclaimed feminine charms and idollistic body, IRyS still lost. The pair collapsed back onto the couch heaving.
“How… Did you beat me…”
“I’m just… Built different.”
They decided now would be a good time to start drinking, and because IRyS was the only one drinking, they settled on doing a “you laugh, you drink” challenge, where Bae would try and make IRyS laugh.
This was unfortunate for IRyS, because Bae knew how to make her laugh better than anyone, and the more she had, the more she laughed. They both knew they should stop the segment after the first few drinks were finished, but they were both having so much fun that it didn’t matter. After all was said and done, IRyS was thoroughly intoxicated.
The two kept playing games, bantering with each other and the chat, and IRyS kept drinking until the sun had set. It felt like no time at all had passed before it was time for the final segment of the stream, an activity neither one of them was looking forward to. The horror movie watch-along.
They started the movie, it opened with a scene of a car driving down an empty road, it abruptly cut to a clip of a crow emitting a low caw. Bae jumped in her seat in reaction to this. IRyS found the other girl's reaction adorable.
“I’m going to scream. I am going to scream my head off, I can’t do this.” Bae panicked.
“This was your idea.”
“I know! And you let me do it. I’m going to die, I’m actually going to die. IRyS, I can’t do this.”
“Awww Bae it’s alright, come here,” she unfurled the blanket she had wrapped around her shoulders so the other could fit under it as well, “I’ll keep you safe.” She didn’t care about the audience at this point, she was drunk and her friend was scared. She had no ulterior motive, she told herself.
This was how they spent the movie, after every scare Bae would freak out and IRyS would pull her in. IRyS wouldn’t admit it, but in some weird way she was looking forward to the scares, each time the tension built towards a jump would be a countdown to pulling the other girl in and making her feel safe. Bae really didn’t handle horror well, she had tears running down her face from how terrified she was, IRyS held her and whispered comforting words and wiped away the tears. They went through this, like a routine, until the end of the movie. IRyS knew she was compromising herself, but in those moments she didn’t care about herself, she just had to make sure Bae was alright.
The movie ended and Bae spent some time composing herself, apologising to the chat for how she acted. They didn’t mind, this stream had given them enough fuel for the Baerys fire for months. After saying their goodbyes and promising to read superchats at a later date, they ended the stream.
The tension between them was like a static current running through the air through both of them. Neither knew what to say. IRyS was afraid to speak, she knew she was breaking, she felt it within herself and was scared of it.
“That was a good stream…” Bae started.
“Y- yeah. Um, I should probably get going.” IRyS responded, pushing herself up from the sofa.
“Oh, okay.”
IRyS had to go, for her own sake. Her mind was spinning, she had to hold herself from doing something. She was so terrified to engage the feelings she told herself she didn’t have.
“You don’t need to go, you can stay the night.” Bae said, standing by the door with IRyS.
“I don’t want to do something I’ll regret.”
This is wrong.
IRyS took a step forward, her meticulously crafted walls cracked under the effects of the alcohol running through her system. Cracked from the charge that ran through both of them.
Bae looked away awkwardly..
I don’t want this!
You do.
Another step forward. Bae trembled. The bricks fell and their scattered remains lie at her feet.
I can’t!
You can.
IRyS gently cupped her hand on Bae’s chin, lifting her head and forcing their eyes to meet. Faces centimetres apart. “Can I?” She asked.
Bae nodded.
I can’t think!
Don’t think.
She kissed her, the spark they held between roared into a flame. A silent firecracker ignited, filling their hearts with fire. The key had found the lock. Bae pressed herself against the wall arms at her side, giving IRyS all of the control. IRyS moved her hand to fully cup the others cheek and placed her hand onto the girl's hip. Bae shook at the touch.
Don’t think.
At first they were gentle, occasionally breaking to breathe before closing the gap between them once again. Neither could stand to be apart, even for those split seconds. IRyS grew bolder in her actions, as they met she gently opened her mouth and pressed her tongue to the other girls lips, they parted to allow her entry, responding with a deep pleasured sigh. They continued this dance of passion until they needed to breathe, yet neither stopped. She was manic, she couldn’t stop, she couldn’t think. IRyS legs shook and her body screamed at her to breathe. Bae lightly pushed on the other girl to separate them, and allow them both some reprieve. They stood there for a moment, foreheads touching, both breathing heavily.
Don’t think.
IRyS gently traced her fingers down Bae’s arm until she was touching the tips of her fingers. She grabbed her hand. Hand in hand, IRyS led the smaller girl towards the bed.
Don’t think.
Regrets and inhibitions forgotten. Walls built and broken. Feelings pure and unrestrained. There was no room to process, there was no room for panic, there was nowhere to hide.
This was what she wanted.
Don’t think.
Don’t think.
Don’t think.
Chapter 4.5: Right here, right now
EXPLICIT CONTENT
This bonus chapter features explicit/NSFW content. It is entirely optional. Click #Chapter-5-spiral to skip ahead to the next chapter.
IRyS slowly pushed down the other girl and moved over top of her. She felt legs gently wrap around her waist. She planted kisses all along the small girl's jawline and on her cheeks before turning her attention to her lips. She dove back into her like she was starving and this was the only thing that could sate her. Taking no time to force her tongue through into the now familiar mouth. Bae moaned at the contact, and IRyS liked the feeling of the sound vibrating through her.
While she explored her mouth, she started to move her hands along Bae’s exposed midriff, enjoying the way the girl tensed and flexed under her fingers as her hands moved across her skin, making their way upwards under her shirt.
IRyS pulled back her head, separating the two. Bae almost looked sad, her eyes pleading for more. IRyS took her hands and grabbed the edges of Bae’s undershirt and carefully tugged upwards to pull it off. Bae lifted her arms to help her achieve this, in a single fluid motion she pulled it off and threw it off the bed, onto the floor.
She took in the sight of the topless rat, trying to burn the image of her breasts into her mind. IRyS knew that she was sizable, but somehow it was still a surprise seeing them freed like this. It took all her will-power not to dive into the girl right then and there. Why resist? Mindlessly she reached towards her and squeezed the exposed mounds with both hands, feeling them in her hands. Bae bit her lip as she did this. IRyS felt silly, like a teenage boy seeing boobs for the first time, but she didn’t care.
She cursed her own outfit, it was a pain to put on and an even larger pain to take off. She pulled herself off of the smaller girl and started undoing the strings on the back of her dress holding it tight to her body. Bae sat up and started helping her undo them as well. Occasionally the pair stole kisses from the other as they did this. Eventually IRyS was able to pull her top half of clothing off, leaving just her monochrome mismatched leggings.
“Fuck me, you’re hot.” Bae said, looking at her top to bottom.
She kicked the clothes away and moved back towards the bed. Once again she pushed the other girl back down and they returned to the familiar position with Bae’s legs wrapped around her. This time she didn’t move to the other girl's lips, and instead she moved the side of her neck.
“You’re not so bad yourself.” She breathed out onto her neck. Bae squirmed from feeling the hot breath on her skin.
IRyS began to roguely kiss the girl’s neck, which caused soft moans that she found intoxicating, it was a sound she wanted to hear more of. She began sucking and licking at her neck, which elicited even louder moans. She wondered how far she could push this and lightly bit her.
Bae’s sudden gasp shocked her. She was worried she hurt the girl, and pulled away to look into her face.
“Bae, are you alright?”
Bae quickly threw up her arms to cover her burning face. “I… I’m fine. It’s just… p- please do that again.”
Oh.
She complied, returning to her neck, carefully biting and nibbling her way along. She was sure this would leave a very noticeable series of bruises on the poor girl, but the pleasure IRyD felt from hearing her reactions was too great for either of them to try and stop her actions. She upped the ante and used a free hand to begin groping at Bae’s exposed chest. The sounds grew louder in volume. She took her nipple and gently rolled it between her fingers, lightly squeezing it. Feeling it stiffen at her touch. A deep moan this time.
IRyS continued this routine, making Bae gasp from the bites to her neck and moan from the fingers at her chest. She felt a burning within her own core and a wetness between her legs, she ignored it, choosing to instead focus on making sure Bae was taken care of.
“IRyS… I’m… I’m gonna…” The girl managed to say between breaths.
Too soon. IRyS stopped what she was doing and sat up. Bae looked desperately at her, breathing heavily.
“Why did you stop?” Bae asked quietly.
“I want to taste you.” She whispered back
Bae didn’t know how to respond to that, so she stayed quiet, electing to just watch the girl above her.
IRyS slid back from on top of the smaller girl until she was at her waist. She wasted no time grabbing ahold of her skirt and quickly pulled it off of her legs, desperate to get at her core. After discarding that article of clothing, Bae was just left wearing a pair of dark red panties.
Cute.
With a delicate touch, she felt Bae's burning center through the last layer of clothing, it was completely drenched. Bae moaned desperately, trying to force her hips forward, to force IRyS to touch her more.
“You’re soaked. All this for me?”
“Mmmm” was all Bae could manage to say.
She wanted to keep teasing the girl, but at this point she couldn’t wait any longer. She had never craved something this bad before, it was kind of worrisome. She felt like she was letting her demon half control her. She grabbed the sides of the girls underwear and pulled them down her legs, discarding them to the ground once they were freed.
IRyS used her hands to spread Bae’s legs apart, fully taking in the view of the glistening naked mound before her, Bae squirmed under her gaze. She looked away from the slit and locked her eyes with her tiny lover. Not breaking eye contact, she lowered her head to meet the waiting folds, without hesitation she licked at the wetness.
“Ohhhhh IRyS.”
She savoured the taste of the girl she had fallen in love with, as if she would never be able to do this again. She continued lapping at her, attentively listening to the resulting sounds to figure out the most pleasurable technique. Her efforts brought her to the bud above her damp opening, carefully she licked and sucked at it, driving the small girl crazy.
IRyS felt thighs press into the sides of her head as hands went through her hair to the back of her head, pulling her closer.
“Oh my god, oh my god, oh fuuuuuuck.”
This wasn’t enough for IRyS, she needed more, so she lowered her mouth and pressed inside, exploring the moistened walls with her tongue. Bae was practically shouting at this point, and if either had any sense of themselves they would surely try to quiet down, but both were lost in the pleasures of the moment.
“IRyS… IRyS I’m so close… Please don’t stop… please.” Bae pleaded.
Clearly stopping earlier when she was so close had gotten to her. IRyS didn’t want to torture the poor girl, so she complied, moving her tongue faster and deeper inside of the hot core. She ate at her desperately trying to get her to climax, needing to hear the sound she would make as she came. She felt like was going to black out her craving so was bad, but she knew it would be satiated as the Bae's breathing quickened, and her moans louder and more frequent.
“IRyS! I’m cumming!”
Shuddering legs pressed into her head even harder than they had before, hands grabbed onto her hair and gripped hard. Bae arched her back upwards and she threw her head back. IRyS felt a rush of warm fluid wash over her tongue, eagerly lapping it up as she listened to the sweet cries of pleasure.
She carefully eased up her actions, helping the small girl ride out her orgasm until it had completed. She withdrew her tongue and sat up, hungrily licking away the moisture around her own lips. She crawled back up Bae until their faces were beside each other again. Gently she started kissing her, sticking her tounge past the other girl's lips, letting the girl taste her own climax. After a while they pulled away, needing reprieve.
“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted this.” Bae admitted to her.
Me too.
Don’t think.
IRyS had to shut down her own mind, stop it from thinking and running her down an unfortunate but familiar train of thought. She didn’t need to fight herself right now. She just wanted this moment, this night, here and now. Anything to sate the hunger she had buried for so long.
She answered with another heated kiss, pressing her tongue back inside Bae’s mouth. She talked better without words.
Bae made good sounds from making out, but IRyS was still hungry for more. Pulling away from her lips she moved to the other side of her neck, intending to mark her territory here too. As she sucked and bit on the untouched skin, she used a free hand to grope at the small girl once more, re-exploring her adorable body with her fingers. She worked way across both of her breasts, massaging the mounds before pinching and twisting at the nipples, hardening them under her touch.
Still not enough. With her other hand moved her attention back to the soaked slit she had just intimately tasted. Judging by the shocked gasp that Bae emitted at the sudden attention to her core once again, IRyS realised that Bae had thought they were done and that the fondling was just after-play, she smirked to herself at this.
She was just getting started.
IRyS made small circles on the wet opening, moistening her fingers. Bae whimpered under her and brought her hands up to cover her mouth and hide the sounds she was making.
That’s no good.
Without stopping her fingers below, she pulled away from nibbling her neck, letting go of her breast and grabbing the hands covering her mouth by the wrists, she forced her arms over her head. Bae looked shocked by this, she had no control of herself anymore, moaning loudly into the face of the girl pleasuring her, looking adorably embarrassed to have her defenses taken away.
“I want to hear you.” IRyS said devilishly.
Still holding the arms over Bae’s head and her fingers thoroughly slick from her juices, she plunged 2 fingers inside. Moving them around, exploring for a spot that would drive her partner wild. She pressed onto a spot on the spongy wall that triggered a pleasured gasp moan she hadn’t heard before. She continued to touch on and around this spot, enjoying the new chords she was striking. She felt a stirring within herself, and she realised she was starting to slowly approach her own climax, just through the experience of pleasuring this other girl.
“IRyS…”
She knew what this meant by now. She continued her rhythmic motions, as the girl’s breathing grew more and more rapid.
“IRyS…!” Bae called out again.
She maintained course, not doing anything to upset or throw off the girl’s second climax.
“Cum for me.” They locked eyes.
That was enough to trigger it, once more she felt the girl tighten around her, as she rode the second orgasm of the night. A maddened look like a hungry wolf was on IRyS’ face, she was close herself and couldn’t let this stop until she had cum too. She continued the movements of her fingers through the waves of pleasure Bae was riding, and not letting up even after it had ended. Bae was too exhausted from cumming twice already to do anything to stop the demonic woman thrusting inside her, she was trapped in a prison of overwhelming pleasures, with her arms pinned over her head.
IRyS inserted a third finger and increased her speed and pressure. Tears ran down Bae’s face from the overstimulation, her cute moans had practically turned to desperate screams for release. It was all Bae could do not to lose herself here, her mind almost completely shattered. IRyS felt the tension once again inside the girl, and this time she felt it within herself as well, she desperately needed to release it.
She leaned down to Bae’s bruised neck and bit down hard, sinking her fangs in, breaking the skin and tasting iron. That was enough to drive Bae wild and even triggered her own orgasm. They collapsed into each other, convulsing into shivering messes as Bae hit her third peak of the night and IRyS rode out her first. Their cries of pleasure echoing into the night.
The two laid next to each other, trying to catch their breaths. Tangled in each other's arms.
“I’m sorry.” IRyS apologised.
“Huh? What for… that was incredible. I’ve never felt anything like that in my life.”
“I was so close, I couldn’t stop myself.”
“Oh baby it’s alright, I loved it.” Bae responded, brushing hair out from the nephilims face to be able to look into her eyes. “You didn’t even touch yourself did you?
"No." IRyS admitted.
"And you still came.”
IRyS looked away sheepishly. “I liked the sounds you made.”
Bae turned beet red at this. "I'll take care of you next time, don't you worry, but tonight… I'm spent."
"Mmmm, get some sleep."
"I love you.”
Heart racing. How to respond?
Don’t think.
.
.
.
“I love you too.”
A flutter filled her heart. Right now, she could admit this. Maybe it was the drinks, maybe she was just tired of hiding it, tired of the constant need to push it down. Right now, she didn't need to fight herself, she didn't need to lie. She could just lay here and feel the skin of the girl held in her arms, and listen to the gentle sounds of her sleeping breath.
Right here, right now, she could be happy. She closed her eyes and let it take her away to sweet dreams, of soft kisses and happy memories.
Until tomorrow, when everything would come crashing down.
Chapter 5: Spiral
Warmth. Tangled arms. Naked bodies. That’s what IRyS woke up to, followed by the most intense panic she had ever felt in her life. What had she done? It was all too much. She withdrew her body to herself and carefully removed herself from the bed.
IRyS picked up her clothes like they were the pieces of herself that she had let shatter and fall to the floor. She shivered, feeling the cold air on her naked body and looked back towards the once warm spot on the bed, next to the still-sleeping rat girl. She looked so blissfully unaware laying there, a small smile on her face.
She made a mistake, she slipped up and did the one thing she told herself she wouldn’t - couldn’t - do. She fell in love with someone she shouldn’t have, things escalated too quickly, and she was all too willing to throw away her resistances because of it, in spite of it. She didn’t know what she wanted to do more, climb back into the bed and be with her, or collapse onto the floor into a sobbing mess, letting her shame overtake her and drown her in sorrow.
She couldn’t stop moving or she would surely break down. She didn’t even know what she was doing, or where she was going, but she couldn’t stay here… with her. She quickly got dressed and silently picked up her things and threw them into her bag. She snuck to the door, heart racing, mind reeling. Ever so gently she opened it, ready to leave this behind.
“IRyS…” came a faint voice from behind her. “Where are you going?”
She froze and clenched her teeth, her nails dug into the palm of her hand. Keep moving. She stepped out and closed the door. Running now, down the stairs, away and gone, bursting out onto the street, nowhere to go, nowhere felt safe.
So she ran. Running through the darkness of the early morning, when no one could see the tears streaming down her cheeks as she passed. She ran until her lungs burned and her legs could barely hold her, collapsing to the ground in a small park. She lay there on the ground sobbing and heaving.
Disgusting. Disgusting. She was disgusting. A vile harlot, incapable of keeping her improper emotions in check. Her unnatural attraction. She levied those insults and more towards herself, trying to tear herself apart from the inside to rebuild herself back to who she was before.
The insults didn’t heal her, it felt like nothing could. Why… why did it feel so wrong? Why had it always felt so wrong to feel this way? It was so stupid, she knew it wasn’t wrong, her best friend was gay, she was sure the majority of her friends were, yet she hated to think that she might be herself. All her life she had thought she had been built one way, the normal way. How had she failed to realise after all this time that she wasn’t?
Her phone buzzed, and again, and again, and again. She took it out. Bae was messaging her on Discord. She didn’t care what the message said, she needed this gone, she needed it to be over. She unlocked her phone and opened discord, her finger hovered over the girl’s profile.
Blocked.
With a click the screen went dark, her own sad tear stained reflection looking back at her. It shook in her hand and the screen lit up on it’s own.
Incoming call from Hakos Baelz.
Declined.
She unlocked the phone and found the girl in her contacts. Blocked.
Next, Twitter. Blocked.
Everywhere she could find her she blocked her. She knew it was stupid, and petty, and childish. She knew that this wasn’t going to work forever, eventually the dam would break and she would have to confront her.
Maybe I’ll quit, she pondered to herself, graduate and leave it all behind.
No. She didn’t want that, and she didn’t want to do what she had just done. She just needed time, to get her head on straight, to figure out how to tell Bae that she couldn’t be in a relationship with her. That she regretted what they did. Before that though, she needed to talk to someone who would listen to her and comfort her, there was only one person who she could think of to help her right now.
“Fauna?” She gently tapped the door. “Are you awake?”
“Just a second,” a light voice sleepily called back.
The door opened and she was met by a sleepy kirin wearing a sleeping gown. One look at IRyS was all the context she needed to move into action, she let out a sympathetic “oh IRyS” as she reached out to the girl.
She didn’t last a second, collapsing into her sobbing. Fauna gently stroked her hair and whispered gentle comforting words as she pulled her inside and shut the door. She brought the girl to the couch, wrapping her in a blanket before going to get her some tea to warm her up and settle her down.
She gently placed the mug into IRyS’ hands who gingerly took a sip of the hot liquid before placing it down onto the coffee table beside her. She was exhausted from the running and the crying.
“Did you want to rest first or talk about what happened with Bae?” The green-haired girl asked.
IRyS hadn’t even said anything yet. “How did you…?”
“It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that something happened between you two. You had that stream yesterday and now you’ve come here in the early hours of the morning looking like you got hit by a truck, crying your heart out.”
“Oh.”
“You can rest first if you want, you look exhausted.”
“No. No, no no. Let’s talk now, I can’t keep running away.”
Fauna rotated the mug in her hands before speaking. “Start at the beginning.”
“It’s gross.”
Fauna winces when she hears this, “It isn’t gross, it’s natural to love who you love.”
“Do you know what it’s like? To love… like this?”
“I love all of nature's creations…” she blushed, “which does include other girls.”
“Doesn’t it feel wrong? It feels so wrong to me, like something is broken inside of my head.”
“No, it has never felt wrong to me. Did it feel wrong last night?” Fauna asked matter-of-factly.
IRyS had told her about how far they had escalated things, she wasn’t good at holding back when she started talking. She blushed heavily, recalling all the emotions, sounds, and sensations. Images of the small girl moaning in pleasure at her hand, the way she gasped as she bit into her neck.
“No,” she admitted, “but I was drunk.”
“Is that excuse for me or you?”
“I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to do Fauna, how do I stop loving her?”
“Why should you stop?”
“It’s wr—”
Fauna interrupted her. “Why are you spending all this time telling yourself that it’s wrong? You never tell any of us that it’s wrong, you never seem grossed out by Mumei or Kronii, those two never stop going after each other. You have no issue with me, or Sana- I’m not sure if you picked up on it, but she is very into girls, I know from experience. You’ve always known about Bae and she’s your best friend. Why are you okay with all of us, but not yourself?” She let silence fill the air while IRyS thought about her answer.
IRyS stared into the mostly empty mug, like she was trying to find the answer in her dim reflection. She wanted to answer the question, to refute it, but she had nothing, she couldn’t figure out why Fauna was wrong. Maybe she wasn’t.
“Is there something wrong with me?” IRyS asked, voice barely a whisper. Her body shook, trying to suppress more tears, she didn’t have the energy for it.
Fauna took the mug from her and sat it down and moved to embrace her. She didn’t say anything.
“I feel like I’m splitting in half, two parts of me want completely different things. I want to hold her, to kiss her, to be her everything, and I want to run, and hide from all of this, quit everything to never feel this again.”
“I believe in you. Be patient, go slow, take it one step at a time. She’ll understand. Right now, you need to rest. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”
“Thank you Fauna.” She sunk down into the couch, finally starting to relax. It didn’t last long though, soon after she closed her eyes there was a knock at the door, followed by a familiar voice.
“Fauna? Are you there?” Bae called through the door.
Chapter 6: Us
IRyS watched wordlessly as Fauna went to the door, she stopped just as she reached it, she sighed and turned back to give her a small comforting smile. It didn’t do much to warm the ice currently flowing through her veins, freezing her in place.
Fauna opened the door, from her spot on the couch she couldn’t see Bae, so she just sat there, staring at the back of the green haired girl's head, intently listening to what Bae would say.
It breaks her heart to hear Bae sound so distressed. “Oh my god, Fauna. Have you heard from IRyS? I… she… we… I don’t know, she blocked me… oh god Fauna, she blocked me… after we, after I…” She was choking back tears saying this.
“Bae…” Fauna reached out and put a hand on her shoulder and sighed deeply. “This just got a lot more complicated, huh?” She said, half to herself.
“Huh?” Bae was confused by Fauna’s remark, clearly not the response she expected.
Fauna answered her question by stepping to the side, finally allowing the two to see each other. She was wearing that big winter coat and scarf she seemed to always wear these days, maybe in a different context, at a different time IRyS would have teased her about it, just to see the colour change in her cheeks. She would give anything for it to be one of those moments.
Instead this felt like those moments when Kronii would freeze time, everything came to a stand still as both looked at each other, neither able to move or speak. Fauna broke the stand-off by gently pulling Bae inside.
IRyS wanted Bae to be mad at her, enraged that she left her that morning, ignored her messages and calls, and blocked her everywhere. She told herself that she deserved to be hated, she felt like it would make everything so much easier. Instead, the look of pure concern and relief at finding her made the guilt she felt even worse. She didn’t speak, couldn’t speak, her mouth was practically sewn shut out of fear of saying the wrong thing. Even if she had all the confidence in the world, she didn’t even know what words to say to justify her actions.
Fauna took the smaller girl’s coat from her and hung it on the coat rack by the door. She went to help her remove her scarf as well, but Bae timidly stopped her.
“Umm…” Her face almost matched her hair, it was so red. Bae looked at IRyS again, the horned girl realised why she was so embarrassed to remove the scarf.
Fauna expertly read the interaction, fully understanding its meaning, and sighed. “Come on, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before, you’ll overheat if you keep that thing on.”
Reluctantly, Bae let her take the scarf, revealing that her neck was completely covered in dark bruises and bite marks, remnants of the passion of the night before. Fauna raised her eyebrows and let out an involuntary “uuuu” in reaction, but otherwise didn’t comment, to the relief of the two guilty parties.
“Go ahead, sit down, I’ll get you some tea.”
Fauna took Bae over to the other end of the couch opposite IRyS and made her sit down. She complied wordlessly, she looked completely overwhelmed, and IRyS wasn’t fairing much better. Both had come to Fauna, seeking her support about the other, and instead had ended up forced to confront each other, sooner than either expected.
Fauna left and returned with the cup of warm liquid and in that time neither of the pair said a word to each other. Bae wordlessly took the mug, took a single sip and placed it onto the coffee table.
“It seems like I’m not going back to sleep this morning, so I’m going to take a shower. I’ll leave you two to talk it out.” Fauna said before leaving towards the bathroom.
It seemed cold to IRyS for her to leave the two of them like that after they both came to her for support, and Fauna was by no means a cold person. This had to be the best solution she had for resolving the situation… getting them to talk it out.
It was quiet for a while, nothing but the sounds of the running shower through the wall to fill their ears. IRyS kept her head down, not looking at or speaking to the rat girl on the other end of the couch. It felt like they were miles apart despite being so physically close. She was screaming at herself internally, berating herself on failing to handle yet another situation, and she was terrified of what was going through Bae’s mind right now, she was so out of touch with her own emotions she had no idea where to even start with when trying to analyse the other girl that she refused to even look at for clues.
The silence would be broken by Bae, with a large body wracking sob, followed by many more. This got IRyS to look up and her hands curled into fists, her nails digging into her palms. She had done this to the poor girl, hurt her so bad she was bawling her eyes out. She never wanted to hear this sound again, whatever it took. She was about to speak, to say something, anything, but Bae spoke first.
“I’m sorry.” Bae choked out between gasps for air.
What?
“I’m sorry IRyS… I… I… I… I…”
IRyS finally managed to find her voice. “Bae… what…?”
Why was she apologising? All this trouble was her fault and her fucked up brain that couldn’t handle her own emotions, it couldn’t handle loving a girl without having a complete self-loathing-fueled breakdown.
IRyS struggled to find the words to articulate her question and in that time Bae composed herself enough to speak through the tears.
“I… I’m sorry I took advantage of you.”
Took… advantage… what?
“You were drunk… and I let you… because I wanted it so bad, I wanted you. I never thought about how you would feel sober. Some girls, some straight girls, get a bit… they start to lean the other way when they drink… I should’ve known not to let you do it, knowing you might regret it later. I practically assaulted you.”
IRyS was stunned. Bae had spun this elaborate reasoning to explain why she had reacted the way she had. It couldn’t be further from the truth.
“Bae… I’m not mad at you. I don’t think any of that. You didn’t take advantage of me… I… I acted of my own accord.” IRyS reassured the girl.
“Wait… then… I thought you were straight, you told me… but if you aren’t… Why did you leave?” Bae asked, confused. She had finally managed to stop crying at this point
“I was scared.”
“What were you afraid of?”
“I don’t want to be gay. I don’t want to love you.” The words tumbled out of IRyS, inelegant, imprecise, unprepared. They didn’t convey the fullness of her feelings, the split in her psyche. It was the wrong thing to say, in hindsight, because she didn’t truly mean what the words meant. Yet, the stones were cast.
Something about IRyS’ answer caused her voice to turn cold. “Is that all I am? Just another play thing for another straight girl? Dip your toes in the water, get my hopes up, and then leave. Just leave and block me because you’ve gotten your fill?”
“What? Bae, no…” IRyS shrunk down, trying to make herself as small as she felt.
Bae stood up and walked to the door, hurriedly grabbing her coat and scarf . IRyS could see the tears that had managed to stop not long ago once again return to streaming down her face.
“I can’t believe I loved you.”
And with that, she was gone. Beautiful red hair trailing behind her, and IRyS watched her leave.
.
.
.
Fauna was there, neither had noticed that she had left the shower and was standing in the room, it was unclear how long she had been there listening in to their conversation.
“IRyS, go after her.”
Was she ready to lose her? Was it really okay to end things like this? Two broken people, two halves of a whole, separated. Was IRyS going to let her go, broken at her hands, her words, feeling used and disposed of. Could she live with herself?
What did she want? It was a simple question, yet it was one she kept asking herself. The fear of being gay, to have other people see you as being gay, something she subcounciously felt like was an othering. Not necessarily lesser, but different. Something to make people think different of you. She was an idol, a pure idol in everyone’s eyes, being different… it didn’t mesh, it didn’t fit the image of an idol, of her dreams, dreams she had worked so hard for, for so long.
She didn’t want it to be her. She didn’t want to face that challenge, so she ignored it, buried it, and left it to die. And yet…
And yet…
One girl, one fiery ball of chaos, managed to draw it out of her. The truth. Her truth. The fullness and completeness of who she was, realised in those fleeting glances that made her heart flutter.
It was crashing down on her now, how silly it all was, hiding it within herself for so long so that not even she could find it. Looking back she would realise the moments she had looked at the boys in class and felt a flutter, and then at the girls in class and felt that same flutter, looking back all those moments and feelings that didn’t make sense would slide into place.
She had found it, she knew who and what she was, how she felt. It was wonderful, and terrifying, she still wasn’t whole, she still wasn’t comfortable, she still wasn’t fixed, but she could work on that later, because right now, there was someone that needed her.
.
.
.
And with that realisation she was standing, and then running, and she was out the door, gone from Fauna’s hotel room, running down the hall, sprinting as hard as she could, towards the red dot she could barely see through her blurred vision, who was tearfully stepping into the elevator, all bundled up for a blizzard that wasn’t coming.
The doors were closing, silver barricades trying to stop her from doing what she needed to do, trying to stop her from being where she needed to be.
“BAE!” She called out, desperate, unaware of the fire burning in her lungs.
Barely, just barely, she made it through the metallic gates, running full speed into the elevator crashing into the little rat she had been trying to reach.
The air was thrown out of both of them as they collapsed to the floor from the force of IRyS’ unintentional tackle. Both struggled for a minute, trying to remember how to breathe, as the elevator slowly slid between floors, down towards the main lobby.
“IRyS?” Bae finally managed to choke out, her tone a mixture of shock and confusion.
“Bae… I love you.”
“You tackled me… to tell me you loved me?” Bae was laughing now at how ridiculous the whole situation was.
“I’m not the best with words… or handling emotions… but I want… us.”
“You aren’t going to run away again?”
“Never.” IRyS said with so much conviction that they both knew it was true.
IRyS kissed Bae, there was no excuse this time, she was completely sober now. She poured all of her pent up emotions into the kiss, trying to make Bae understand how she felt, and to an extent, she did.
The elevator doors opened, but it didn’t matter. There were people there to see the pair of girls, on the floor of the elevator, sharing a passionate moment, but they didn’t care. IRyS knew they could see her, what she was doing, who it was with, but she didn’t care, because it didn’t matter as much as that moment, and sharing that kiss.
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