The Commodus Chronicles
Chapter I
Commodus, the tribal chief of the Kenari tribe, was quite pissed off. This motherfucker from the south thinks he can come into our land, chop down our trees? Who the fuck does he think he is. First the fucking clocks, then the goddamn towelheads and now these fancy fucks! No more, thought the 24 year old. No more, fuck these guys, I have seen too many of my fellow Risuners die trying to get rid of these fuckers. I have stopped all of their messangers that these faggots sent, now it's time to take out the fruity fuck in charge with my own hands. I may die, but Risu will love me for my act against these invaders.
During the hours prior his attempt, Commodus had sex with his harem and nutted multiple times. If he was going to die, he wanted to make sure his sacred nut was spilt for the last time. Covering himself with warpaint and branches, he tied a bandana around his head that signaled the holiness of his mission. The pattern embrodied on it represented the act of laying downs one life for Risu and her people. It was show time. With his dagger, he approached the fort around midnight and snuck up its southside. There he saw the tent of the man he wanted to kill. This so-called fancy "Marquis". That fucker was going to die.
Sneaking up behind this guard, he cut the fuckers neck with his dagger. One down, the biggest nut was about to be cracked. But right as he was about to make his move, he got caught, not down to his own doing but bad luck. In a foreign language they screamed at him, Commodus tried to escape but was shot in the leg and fell on to a tent spike, blinding him in one eye. Whatever happened after that is unclear to him, all he remembers is waking up the next day being taken care of by these fancy dudes. They showed him the bullet they extracted from him as if to mock him, but Commodus was too weak. He was now a POW, and he was certain these foreigners would kill him.
But they didn't and nursed him back to health and once he was of good health, they escorted him under to the tent of the great fancy faggot himself. What the fuck is going on? The man was sitting sipping from this fancy cup and had all of these fancy sweets on the table. He invited Commodus to eat with him What the FUCK is going on? These assholes are crazy! "Sit, I explain!" said the Marquis.
Sitting down reluctantly, as if he had a choice. Commodus watched as this Marquis started to draw something on a something. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?! Is that a map? Wait, why are those arrows being drawn. Oh, it's those asshole raiders, what is he going on about? Now the arrow goes down to the south into his lands? Utterly perplexed at what this meant beyond the Raiders attack him, Commodus then watched again as this "artist" began drawing again. The same thing again huh, what now? Wait this is different, now he is showing me what he is doing, and he just drew an X over the raiders "Understand?" asked the Marquis. Commodus shook his head yes and started drawing again. Ok, i think i get it he is drawing a Risuner and a heart now. The Marquis points at the Risuner and him says "Good" with his men smiling with him. Next, he drew a Ghazi and said "Bad, understand" Oh I get it now "yes" replied Commodus. Then the marquis had one final drawing, showing Commodus going the village and coming back. "Come back, OK?" said the Marquis Ok, I got it "I will" said Commodus who then finished his treats and returned to the village.
The tribe was quite shocked to see Commodus back with an eyepatch still wearing his bandana, he was asked what even happened told the story. He explains that he believed this was some sort of miscommunication and that these fancy people were actually their friends. His return was celebrated with much sex and nut exchanging, Commodus nutted 10 times that night. All attacks were ordered to stop as Commodus prepared to return in three days.
Chapter II
Returning to the fort, Commodus brings the tradition Risuner gift of nuts. He was still shocked at the whole affair but had gathered his sense and come to some understanding about the situation overall. Welcomed, with all honors and treated like the man of the hour, Commodus was amazed that these were the same assholes that invaded his land.
Meeting Maumigny in his tent, he was greeted again by the delicious sweets as before. "Welcome sit!" said the Marquis. Eager to eat the sweets, Commodus sat right down and started to enjoy them. Mmmm, amazing He was not surprised when the fancy man started drawing again, he drew Commodus Well there I am, what does he want. The Marquis pointed at the picture and to himself saying "Learn to speak? OK!" Commodus nodded Ah he wants to learn Risuner and I assume he wants me to learn his language too. Could be very useful. I want to draw something myself Commodus asks for the ink and quill, and the Marquis hands it to him. Commodus has no idea what the fuck he is doing with this strange thing and breaks it Fuck, i might have just ruined everyth- The Marquis laughs and says something in his tongue that Commodus doesn't understand Ah, nevermind phew. The Marquis sits down next to him and shows him how to use the quill properly before handing it back over. Hmm, how do I draw this? I know! Commodus draws a simply picture of him of him and the marquis learning to speak. Commodus also drew stick women with tits coming to the camp and put a heart over them. I want to stay here and learn the way but i need my bitches too. Hope he agrees Hoping that the Marquis would understand simple terms, he said "Stay here and sex." The Marquis stoically said "Not me" No! Not with you dumbass, with my bitches! "No no, bitches." The Marquis sits up and says "OK." to Commodus This fancy fuckers must like sex like us, hell yeah, i bet their women are amazing at giving head. "Ill be back." said Commodus as he left and went back to the village to gather his harem and some possessions to take during his planned stay.
When he arrived back that night, he found for himself a large tent, just for him with nuts and sweets inside Fuck yeah! Sex, nuts and whatever these fucking things are Naturally, Commodus celebrated with sex. Rather loud sex that confused the garrison, but they would get used to it over time. Every day, the Marquis and Commodus would meet and learn each other's languages. Commodus learned faster and picked up the basics in no time compared to the fancy Marquis. He was starting to like this man a lot, he was kind, generous and funny in his own way. A translator made it even easy two weeks in, and Commodus was enjoying this life of sex, nuts, sweets and friendship a lot.
One day he asked the Marquis if he liked sex, and nutting; the Marquis replied in as much as he could say "Sex is good, with my wife." Oh, well that explains why he refused my offer to bring some Risuners just for him
In Late October, Commodus felt the need to invite the Marquis down to the Village, given the importance of the month coming soon. He explained he needed to leave for the month but wanted the Marquis to meet his villagers. The Marquis happily accepted and the two went down to the Village. There, Commodus explained to his fellow Risuners the honor and respect he had been given; and that these people were our friends not our enemies. The unsure villagers suddenly welcomed the Marquis as one of their own, with many single Risuner women offering themselves to the handsome foreigner. He politely declined, which was taken as an insult until Commodus explained he was married and faithful to his wife. The women understood but were disappoint they couldn't get some of this big noble cock for November. The Marquis talked as much as he could with the other elders, who saw him as a gentleman of honor. As night fell, the Marquis asked Commodus if he could travel to the capital to negotiate with the leaders of Risu We have national leaders, well they would be in Silvanus, but this is news to me. I don't get this diplomatic shit anyways "Yeah, we can go to Silvanus, I haven't been there myself so it will be an experience with the sex." The Marquis laughs "Thank you my friend, come back to the Fort anytime and tell everyone here that they may as well. We love our friends."
Chapter III
Commodus and the Marquis are headed to Silvanus. Commodus, being a tribal chief for one of the border tribes scarcely knew what national politics were like. The farthest he ever went was to Panrong and it would be a good resting spot after the long march. Though they hadn't known each other for a year yet, Commodus had felt a close connection with Maumigny. Both were men of honor, and warriors at heart; though Commodus wasn't sure how much of a real warrior the Marquis actually was. In some ways, them being polar opposites made them great friends. The curious and turbulent man that was Commodus was complimented by the mild-manner and intelligent Marquis.
As they approached Panrong, the two were in a conversation about the clock people. These assholes had violated Risu's independence two years ago and had caused quite the culture shock for Risuners, who had never seen anything like them before. Commodus had never heard of them but like many of his fellow southern chiefs, wasn't too fond of these invaders turned "friends". He made it clear to the Marquis that he couldn't trust them any farther than he could throw 'em. But what did the opinion matter of the border chief matter to the rest of the nation. Dumbasses, what are these fucking Clocks doing for actual problems in my area. Now I hear they are friends with the Cannibals that raid us, are we fucking retards?
Suddenly, in the distance, Commodus could hear commotion. He dismounts and approaches a tree cospe overlooking Panrong FUCKING SHIT He signals the Marquis to come take a gander with him. You have to be fucking kidding me, how incompetent are we to allow these goatfuckers to actually reach and enter Panrong. What the Fu-
"Well, I see the issue. Let's waste no time boys, time to give these barbarians the sword. FOR THE QUEEN AND REINE!"
Commodus didn't even have a chance to see what the Marquis was doing before the Marquis and his horsemen, some 100 of them, were down in the fields approaching Panrong. Is this fucker insane? There is no way that you can beat these Ghazis if our defenses could stop them. I better mount up and prepare to save his ass
The Oiseaux Hussars descended onto the Ghazis immediately and it took no longer than 15 minutes for them to wipe them off the face of the earth with the help of citizens of Panrong. Commodus could only watch with sheer amazement to see what had happened. 500 of those towelheads, all cut down in 15 minutes. What the hell was this kind of magic. He dismouted to find the Marquis giving a speech to the citizens of Panrong.
"Risuners. Citizens of Panrong, I am happy that we managed to come in time to remove these Barbares from your ville."
Commodus started laughing knowing that the Risuners didn't know what he was saying with his mixed language This fucking madlad with his mixed speech. "But I also thank you for showing great bravoure to keep your own libertés safe from these vile racaille ! Salut Risu, Salut Reinu, Salut Brotherhood!" Better translate this for the Risuners
Commodus translates it and he concludes with "This man, our savior is the Marquis of Maumigny from our greatest friends, the Oiseaux! Let us give him a proper celebration for his actions today fellow Risuners!" The crowd erupts into celebration. Women throw themselves at the Marquis and the hussars, some being taken back for sex with these foreign men while others being politely rejected. The Marquis is given a crown of branchs by Prisca the Elder, the highest symbol of honor that can be bestowed on someone by a Village Elder. Later on the Marquis, Commodus and Prisca celebrate in a local tavern. Commodus asks the Marquis about how he was able to pull it off, and the two spend a good 3 hours talking about this thing called "tactics", much to the boredom of Prisca who slips out.
After a nice rest and more sex, Commodus, the Marquis and company set off once more for Silvanus. This madman, I don't yet grasp these tactics you speak of, but do we ever need them if we want a free Risu, free from the towelheads, cannibals and clocks alike.
Chapter IV
The whole trip to Silvanus turned out to be pointless, it was bemusing to see the Marquis interact with the city but Commodus was told that there was no actual national leaders in Risu. Fucking kek, how can you establish a protectorate and make a deal with a nation without a government? Commodus returned home for the winter, the Marquis told him that he had major plans for next year involving new forts and a greater commitment to stopping the Ghazis. When he returned in the spring, he came with a fancy new title, medal and more men. Man, the Risuners will need to be convinced about this but after seeing that shitshow at Panrong, we better let these Oiseaux do their shit for our sake!
Fort after Fort was built over the course of the year. Commodus having to pull teeth with locals to convince them about the purpose of these things. Quite honestly, dealing with other tribal chiefs was starting to get on Commodus's nerves when he reached the supposed site of the last fort, only to find the towelheads dug in on the site. Man, we can't do shit right, can we? I couldn't get rid of the Oiseaux, thank Risu for that at least, but now these assholes have a foward base? What are we even doing now? No wonder these fuckers made it to Panrong. The Marquis sent Commodus to gather support for an assault on the fort. Commodus, believing his fellow Risuner would find this easier to rally around instead of being convinced to allow foreigners to build forts spent the next week gathering some 25 tribes and led them back to Maumigny.
But things were not going well at all. Commodus bickered with some of the more prominent tribal chiefs the whole way back, who demanded they be in charge of this whole operation and that the foreigners must be under their orders because this was in Risu. Commodus, biting back at them hard, told them that they need to be unified and attack with orders from the Foreigners and leave him in charge, after all in Commodus's mind, he should be the leader considering he rallied all of them!
As soon as he got back, this shit flared up again. 25 Tribal Chiefs were soon bickering with Commodus again over this when they saw the fancy Oiseau? "What do these fuckers know about war? Did they fuck you well or something?"
As Maumigny entered the camp, Commodus was still pleading with them.
"Guys, we will not be successful if we do not coordinate our attacks properly"
"Bullshit, what has always worked for us will work again. Who are you to demand such things anyways?" said a Risuner Commander named Albertus
"Pardon me, Gentlemen but I am your ally, the Marquis de Maumigny" bowing "It is a pleasure."
"The maqis de magmy? Who the fuck are you!" said a risuner name Ignatius
"I am the commander of the Oiseau army camped here, we plan to launch an assault on that fort up there together. It must apologize but It is my belief that our best chance is if we attack all at once and that you place yourselves under my command, with Commodus being the overall Risuner
commander."
One Risuner was particularly enraged by this statement and got up and walked to the ever-calm Marquis. "You come into our lands, and expect us to follow your orders? Hah, what a load of bullshit. We Risuners are always winning and will always be free of Tyrants like you." Spits in Maumigny's face Are you a fucking retard Antontius? "You fancy man with your fancy name think you can order us around like we are your army, well I say fuck you and fuck your cause. You're a coward and we don't even need your help anyways!" *This fuckng dumbass!
He then snatches Maumigny's hat and wig and throws it to the ground and stomps on it. Sigh, he crossed the line I can already tell Maumigny keeps in nerves usually, but this crosses the line, he grabs the Squirrel by the back of its neck and lefts him up with one hand, his usually pleasant looking face is full of rage "You think I came into your lands to drink, fuck and party? Do you presume that it is my intention to end your freedom and bring ruin to your land? Non, Fils de pute!"
He throws the Risuner to the ground and squats before him. "You call me a coward, show me your scars, show me your wounds" Maumigny rips his shirt off and shows off the many scars, the Risuners still totally in shock. Maumigny starts point to each one with a different story. "This is where a Saracen Scimitar nearly hit me in the heart, this is where a musket ball got lodged into my ribs, this is where some crazy lunatic on some kind of psychodelic drove his spear and nearly left me paralyzed. SHOW ME YOUR SCARS BEFORE YOU CALL ME A COWARD!"
Commodus was absolutely shocked at the Marquis, who he had never seen get so mad in his life. But the Marquis went on.
Putting his wig, hat and petticoat back on, the Risuners still remain shocked in silence. "You may think I am prudish, that I am a tyrant, that I am the very devil himself but let none of your say I am a coward. Keep your bloody tradition, I am not here to step upon it. Prove to me that it works, and I will personally suck each one of your small cocks." Risuners still say nothing "Well go on.. Ah fuck it, Commodus you may rejoin with me but I am keen on watching these fools get destroyed."
A Risuner finally speaks up "Well fuck you too, we will win, and I want to see the look on your face when you suck my cock your arrogant son of a bitch." the other Risuners start to laugh.
"I see we have reached an agreement. Well, I will be back with my men enjoying this display of sheer stupidity."
Commodus waved off the other Risuners and walked back with the Marquis. He was stunned, utterly stunned at everything that had just happened. He had to take a walk for an hour before he came to find the Marquis. Commodus had become infuriated, thinking the Marquis's failure to use his silver tongue had just cost him a victory.
"Why the fuck did you do that? You just ruined our chanc-"
The Marquis sternly replies " I do not give a shit about chances when they were never going to agree to a plan in the first place.
uring the night, the Marquis watches from a distance as the Risuners launch an all-out assault on the fort. With their a few magical staffs and Bows, they initially hold the upper hand, that is until the cannons opened up on them. He watches as the Risuner who spat in his face gets his head blow off by a cannon ball and watches the other one who guaranteed victory get cut down at the walls by a Scimitar.
"Shouldn't we do something, if we attack-"
"No Commodus, I have no intention of attacking while this shitshow is underway, otherwise this matter will never be solved."
"We can't just allow them to die though."
Turning to Commodus, Maumigny says "Yes we can, though I do regret it, indeed we must. Because your people will never learn until they experience this for themselves" Damn, he is right given our nature
Commodus sighs as the attack fizzles out. 500 Risuners were killed in the unorganized assault. What the fuck do we do now?