Team Kino Saves the Day

'Team Kino'? What a crock of shit, I fucking wish! Oh, wait, if I had wish, I would wish to evolve instead of rename my team to Team Kino. But that's besides the point.

This is a hate letter. Love letters are for giddy happy humans who were isekai’d and got lucky. “Oh, wow, I turned into my favorite Pokemon.” “Oh, wow, I can fly now.” “Guess what? The sun feels great!”

Even for the less fortunate guys, they don’t know how good they have it. “Holy shit, I turned into a little bee.” “Woah, I’m like ten feet tall and I have bananas that all these people want to constantly steal.” “I’m the same species as that perv Cyndaquil and now everyone thinks I’m a perv too.”

And look, I really don’t mean to hate on anyone. Really, I don’t.

But I swear it’s the saddest guy of the bunch that gets to me the most. Hans. I mean, WOW, poor guy, right? He has no arms, he has no legs. He’s a fucking noodle. A noodle. A shiny noodle at that, so it’s not all bad for him, but a noodle regardless. Life sucks. He got the short end of the stick for sure, having to get dragged around everywhere.

Me? You’re wondering about me?

Firstly, no, that picture is NOT me. I wish I was a Flygon. Or even a Trapinch. No, that’s my partner, Ruby. “Rubinelle” is her full name. Hey, I like her, don’t get me wrong. In fact, she saved me. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to have saved me since she’s genuinely sweet and kind.

As amazing as Ruby is, I kinda would rather have died.

Oh. Where are my manners? Well, they’re probably going to be found with my arms and legs, but that’s beside the point. Let’s start from the beginning.

-----

So, I wake up, right? Alone. Not in my bed. Open sky on my left eye. My right eye is seeing nothing but black. So I’m starting out half blind.

Now I try to touch my eye. You know, figure out why I suddenly lost my vision. Can’t. No arms. I feel an appendage, and it feels wet. But that’s all I’m getting.

Now I try to sit up. If my arms aren’t working, maybe I slept on them and they’re just not responding. That’s all happened to everyone once in their life right?

Nope. No legs. I feel a fucking TAIL flop around.

So I do what any reasonable person would do.

I try to scream for mercy and death and all that. I mean, you wake up with no arms or legs and half-blind, who wouldn't scream their lungs out?

Except I can’t scream my lungs out. Instead, I start to fucking CHOKE since, guess what?

For some reason, I can’t breathe.

"Haha, George Flo-"
Woah, careful with all that edge there, partner.

Anyways, as I’m there choking and sputtering and half-happy this nightmare is almost over, I hear a whoosh of air and a buzzing of wings and a sweet little serenade of a voice call out to me:
“Oh no! Are you okay little fishy? Do you want me to help you?”

Now I actually said no. I said, to be specific:
“No thank you, kind stranger, I’m honestly going to just call it quits here. Thanks though.”

Well, I tried to say it. You see, I could’ve sworn I was going to an hero the night before, but all I got was this crazy-ass dream, so I guess this was like a trial run. You know, so when I would wake up, I could finally pull the trigger. So I tried to say those words.

Nope. Remember, I’m gasping for air so I can’t make any sounds other than labored breathing. So the unwelcome samaritan says “Oh! Well aren’t you lucky! I have my trusty bucket with me.”

So I feel a pair of claws lift me up and, hey, I can see from my other eye again. Great! I’m not completely blind! The one good thing that happened all day. I say to myself:
“Gee, I sure hope that things can get better!”

As I get lifted up from the grass and placed near a bucket full of water, I see, for a split second, my reflection.

I almost shook myself free from Ruby’s claws right then and there. I saw a Feebas staring back at me. A Feebas.

Now do you get why I’m jealous of Hans? I would fucking KILL to be a noodle. I mean, the moment I saw I was a Feebas I realized I was in the PMDverse, so I knew evolution would be possible as long as I went to a dungeon and leveled up, so that would just be a matter of time, right? Even if I turned into a gay-ass Milotic, I’d at least be able to breathe air.

Hold that thought while I go back to my retarded origin story.

So I get into the bucket and my stupid-ass survival instinct kicks in and I breathe in the sweet water, the elixir of life. Fuck me on that one.

I look back up and I see a Flygon looking back at me, smiling. I heard her say:
“You’re alive! I barely made it, and with my bucket too! Now you can breathe!”

And I shit you not, she lets out the fucking kawaii peace sign. Like from Japan. With only three fingers. I was honestly impressed, but what was better was that I met another human. So of course I go and say:
“Oh! You’re a fellow human! Great! I’m from (no, even though I’m stuck here, I’m not going to dox myself for whenever we all inevitably return. Maybe I’ll tell Hans if I come around to him. Everyone else that’s limbed, get fucked.) and I turned into a Feebas and I’m so glad I found someone that can help me blah blah blah."

The Flygon just went and flew around in a loop. Midair. I learend pretty quickly that’s how she expresses being happy. Cute, right? So she does a midair spin and then hovers over me to say:
“Oh, I’m not a human! My name is Rubinelle – Ruby for short! – and I just love everything about them! You see, I’m pretty unlucky, so I end up falling into dungeons whenever I leave town. Whenever I do, with my luck there's usually something called a rift! They drop human artifacts! But they’re also super dangerous. Last time I hired someone to take me to one they all died, but I got this bucket from it! Other times I accidentally stumbled in and managed to escape I also got some funny picture books with funny poses and…”

Then I say:
“Oh, damn. Well I thought you were human. Welp, I don’t want to deal with a weeaboo, so you can just tip the bucket now.”

She just giggles and says:
“Oh, well how can I do that? I just saved you! Besides, this bucket has all my water for my trip!”

I respond:
“Okay, well take me to a dungeon. I need to level up.”

She replies back:
“‘Level up?’ Don’t be such a silly fish, that’s not a real human saying! Besides, I just told you I avoid dungeons! They’re especially dangerous when I go to them because of the rifts making everything crazy!”

Fine, whatever. I know for a fact that if a human is brought to the PMDverse, then they’re supposed to be a hero or savior. That was very clearly not me, so maybe Arcues got it wrong? That just means that I need to find the other human. So they can solve the crisis or whatever and we can get sent back home. So I say:
“Well, do you know anyone claiming to be human? I need to find one to find a way back. I don’t want to be like this forever if I’m just going to be some retarded fish. I could’ve been a proper starter but I’m stuck as this”

Ruby buzzes her wings again with the stars in her eyes, everything I said after human in one ear and out the other:
“Wow! What luck! Not only do I find a human, but one that has the same goal as me! We should be partners! Make a team!”

I can’t even deny her the request since she picks me out of the bucket and starts to squeeze me in a hug as she starts flying in a loop-dee-loop. Imagine how disorienting that would be as a human. Now picture all that happening as a fish that is suffocating.

Unfortunately, she realizes this and plops me back into her bucket after I start to heave, then she says to herself in a quiet whisper:
“I can’t believe when I’m travelling to visit the guild rumored to be full of humans that I come across one. This might just be my ticket to join…”

I was surprised that there was a whole guild of humans, but hey, the more the merrier, I thought. At least one of them should’ve known the way back to Earth. So I go and say: “Yes! Awesome, let’s do it!”

Dumbass me. She was speaking to herself aloud. I guess she doesn’t know she does this since she thought I was responding to her request to make a team. So I duck under the water to breathe and by the time I resurface she’s doing somersaults in the air as if there’s no tomorrow, screaming:
“Yipee! Yipee!”

Much to my regret now, I didn’t further elaborate. And that’s how we ended up flying across the continent to Capim Town.

-----

Woah woah woah, we’re not back in the present yet. Because, remember: I told Ruby the Flygon I’d join her team. She wants to join a guild. Even if she doesn’t want to go into dungeons, maybe we can fight criminals in the overworld? We can start off small! So there’s still hope for me and getting EXP to evolve if there’s no way back.

And at this point I’m getting a little hyped. I mean, I played the shit out of the games, and a scarf seemed like a cool accessory for when I turned into a Milotic. I mean, I was really into PMD at one point. I wrote a whole fanfic comic where I was a badass Riolu and saved the world.

I mean, I wrote like two pages before going on hiatus, but that’s beside the point. I was feeling happy. Excited. Ready to help others. That’s precisely where I fucked up.

Back to the flight, as we’re zooming through and about to enter Capim Town I say as I am poking my head over the bucket, and man do I regret this:
“Hey, that looks like a fire! We should help!”

The first and last time I’m ever taking into consideration the problems of others.

We swoop in, and there’s a drunk Cyndaquil that seems to not be aware of jack shit since he's stumbling and trying to grope a small tree and calling it his "sudowudoo gee-eff". As he tries to drunkenly dance with the potted plant he trips and lands on a building. A hollowed tree. It is instantly set on fire, and the drunken dumbass has no idea since he continues to make out with the tree.

How this place wasn’t a pile of ashes ages ago I have no clue. So, we get there and Ruby calls for help. No one responds.

And the stupid drunk Cyndaquil keeps setting things alight muttering on about not being able to find anyone to bang. Ruby says to herself:
“Oh! I have a bucket! I’ll just dump you in the bay and get water to pour it!”

My survival instinct speaks for me instead of my brain:
“No! I could get eaten by a shark or something! Just, let me see…”

I focus on spraying water and, viola, there was a pulse of water shooting from my mouth dousing the drunk and the fire in one go! I spray a bit more with my TM: Water Pulse and presto, the Pokemon village is saved!

Needless to say I was proud of myself. So proud I figured we’d be next up on the sign-up list for an explorer team or rescue team or whatever.

Nope. We entered the Clover Guild and immediately were ushered to the Guildmaster, to much applause. We stopped a huge fire! We saved Capim Town!

Apparently this wasn’t an issue before. Fire Pokemon, I mean. There was some issue at apple woods, and a human-turned Pokemon started it. I guess fires only work normally if a human does it? I dunno.

Well, whatever, fires were never a problem in Capim Town, so there was no fire department to put out the fire. Lucky for everyone, Rubinelle and I showed up.

So we get ushered into the Clover Guild like ROYALTY. Apparently we doused one of the worst deviants there. Lucky us. With applause we get sent to the Guildmaster’s room, and he says:
“Welcome, I can see you’re a human, yadda yadda. Do you want to join?”

Of course I’m actually excited. Maybe once I evolve I’ll be the hero this story needs after all! Nope, fuck me up my fish-ass, the Mewostic continues to speak:
“You know, we could use a firefighting team! You have a Flygon more than capable of quicky responding to fires and a bucket with a Feebas more than capable of putting them out. You’d get to stay in the Guild and make our reputation better around here, and you wouldn’t even have to leave town~”

I say no immediately, but since my mouth is half-underwater I am drowned out by Ruby singing in joy:
“Yes! Yes! YESSSS! That’s perfect! We can stay in-town the whole time and not have to worry about spooky dungeons or outlaws, and we can live with other humans! Yipee!”

They shake hands before I can clear my mouth. I finally try to speak up, but the crowd of onlooking Pokemon surrounding the Guildmaster’s office start applauding and cheering as Ruby does flips midair, drowning me out. No, pun not intended, asshole.

Welp. I’m fucked. But then the Guildmaster asks for our team name. I can get something with some sort of positive connotation, maybe that’ll brighten my day. You know, force myself into a good perspective. At that point I was still actively trying.

I’m thinking the “Brigade of Justice.” Cool and hopeful, right? But unfortunately Ruby decides to name the team after her most prized possession: the fucking bucket I’m still in. She and I both speak, and I make the mistake of pausing out of confusion:
“Bucket!” “Brigade-?”

With a clap of his hands and really gay dance, Lliam declares to everyone:
“Team Bucket Brigade it is!”

Everyone starts applauding once again, and I try to drown myself. It doesn't work and Ruby pulls me out of the water and says:
“Hey! You gotta- wait, what’s your name?”

The room goes silent. My name? Shit I never said my name. Well I don’t intend on using my real one, it’s generic as shit. No one knows who I am, so use this as a chance to come up with something cool. Noon? Badass, but cliche. Swiftwim? I don’t want to embrace me being a fish.

I decide to speak up, and I go with my favorite element.
“Nickel!”

A mon speaks up from the crowd:
“Sorry, Nick is already taken.”

Fuck. And my favorite second element, Rutherfordium, is way too outlandish. I guess I’ll just go with a month? I say:
“August.”

An oshawott calls out:
“Uh, that’s me, sorry.”

Holy shit I’ll go with the weather. I speak:
“Rain.”

The crowd sighs:
“Taken.”

Fuck. I’ll use my actual name:
“Smith.”

A Skorupi replies:
“Occupied.”

Come on. I decide to let my stomach speak for me and I go with the first thing that pops into my mind: McDonalds. I mean, hey, being Irish isn’t too bad, right? I speak with confidence:
“McDonald!”

Another voice:
“We already have KFC…”

At this point myself and the crowd are becoming tired. But I have to try, there is no way I’m going to just be my species since that’s way too generic.

Then, Ruby, leans over to me and says:
“Surely, little fish, you can’t be serious…”

The crowd erupts into applause once again, and Ruby and I are confused until the Meowstic speaks:
“Oh, your name is Shirley! Why didn’t you just open with that? I’ll just sign that into the documentation…”

Ruby is brimming with joy as she does more somersaults:
“Yipee! I got your name! It’s like we were fated to be a team! Team Bucket Brigade!”

The crowd rushes in and starts cheering:
“Hooray for Ruby! Hooray for Team Bucket Brigade!”

I get knocked over and the water spills out of the bucket. I get just an inch close to the sweet release of death before Ruby puts me back in.

-----

Holy shit you think that’s bad? Buddy, my existence since then has been dogwater. The Vaporeon with a lame French name approached and said we could talk, offer me support, fish-to-fish. Fuck you, you’re a mammal with legs and arms. Get outta here.

Some other former humans thought it would be funny to feed me pieces of bread by throwing it in the bucket like kids would do at a pond. And you know what, as much as I hate to admit it it was a pleasant change from berries, so I obliged. Then KFC socked them, took the bread from them, and started pecking away at it. Fucker took my name and my bread.

One time I was on my own in the common spaces, trying to get out more and be social, the Cyndaquil I soaked when I first arrived said he wouldn’t mind “soaking me back.” I don’t think I ever screamed louder for help then.

Assistance came on time. Thankfully Cyndaquil didn’t. After that, I quit bothering getting out more. I told Ruby to just leave me in our room unless there was a fire.

So that’s what she did. I know she’s sweet and kind and the rest of the Guild loves her, especially when she gets excited and does somersaults. But me? Every time she asks if I want to go out I just say no. My time here alone is fine, and it’s better to just swim in circles instead of seethe at every Pokemon that has it better than me.

Which is literally every Pokemon here.

Until the day Ruby trips into one of her maximally-dangerous dungeons with me and I can happen to kill enough Pokemon to level up, I’m stuck in this bucket, only going out whenever a fire starts somewhere nearby (but more often than not within the Guild).

Either that or someday I’ll work up the courage to jump out of this prison. Seriously, I should've been a Riolu with limbs and air and a crapton of scarves and a cool name and a bunch of teammates who would worship me. But nope, I'm a Feebass.

So, that’s the end of this hate letter. To who? It’s all in my fucking head. Because, hey, guess what, I am underwater without arms. Even if I used my mouth (fuck off, Cyndaquil) the paper would get wet.

So, to any psychic type hearing this and writing this down for shits and giggles: fuck you and your lungs. Shirley the Feebas out.